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Being dependant/attached to boys.
I have a huge problem that makes me feel very depressed. Everytime I hook up (as in make out) with a boy, I become attached. I've only hooked up with a few boys and every one of them has been a boy I hadn't met before that night. So when I hook up with them I always have an expectation of something happening after (which I know isn't realistic, but I can't help it) and when it doesn't (which it never does) I feel really upset and lonely. So I say to myself, "okay I'm the type of girl who needs a committed boy, not just a random hook-up, so I'll never hook up with a random boy again". But then soon I find myself thinking OMG I HAVEN'T HOOKED UP WITH ANYONE IN A WHILE WHATS WRONG WITH ME I NEED TO GET WITH SOMEONE. and then i'll hook up with another random boy when given the opportunity, and then once again when they don't talk to me or we don't hang out again after (which we never do), i get upset/lonely again. It's like an endless cycle. My first hook-up was 4 months ago, and before that, I NEVER felt like I needed a boy. Like obviously I wanted one because i had never had a boyfriend or even a kiss, but then ever since my first hook-up I haven't felt independant like I used too. Now i feel like I'm always gunna need a boy to make me feel better and not lonely (even though I never actually have one) because once I started hooking up with boys, there was no turning back cause now I'm always dependant. I always told myself I would NEVER become dependant on a boy but i find myself becoming attached to every guy I hook up with. I just wish I could enjoy the moment while I'm hooking up with someone and live in that moment only and just do it for fun at that time,and then when it's over not care if the boy ever talks to me again. But it's not like that at all unfortunately. What can I do to stop this, it's really hurting me :( and please don't say stop hooking up with boys, because if I don't hook up with a boy in more than a month i feel extremely deprived and bored and lonely. and don't say find a boy that you can actually build a relationship with, because i've been trying that for 4 months and it hasn't worked so there is no one i can hook up with and continue hanging out with/talking too after. thanks.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Obviously the best thing for you to do would be to stop hooking up with guys but you have already tried that and you couldnt. You should look for someone that you like before you hook-up with them and work towards it that way. If you want just keep hooking-up with other guys before you find a guy that you want to be in a relationship with.
Hope that was helpful.
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Hey =]
Well first of all, its good that you've realised that theres a cycle going here and you're very much stuck in it, so the solution generally for getting out of a cycle is to just do something slightly different or approach the situation you're in, with a different state of mind.
Firstly though, you should realise that most people think in the same way you do, they think that one kiss or whatever it is with a particular person may lead to a life of happiness etc etc, so don't try and stop yourslef thinking like that or get worried about thinking like that because its pretty much the natural thing to do =)
Anyway returning to the 'changing of the cycle', its also quite common to feel the way you do in terms of thinking 'whats wrong with me, i haven't hooked up. Theres usually two causes of this, either you're quite insecure about being attractive or else you're surrounded by people who constantly 'hook up' and so you feel a bit left out. For all the people i know who feel like this, it is usually a combination of the two. So firstly to deal with the 'everyone else is doing it an i feel left out part', you really shouldn't feel left out at all, the fact that several different people are attracted to you is really quite impressive, most people don't get that much attention, if you're friends are hooking up more than you, then it shouldn't matter you should genuinely consider yourself lucky for the attention you are getting =). Although, like i mentioned it may also be to do with not feeling comfortable with yourself, or not feeling attractive, well this is also to do with the amount of attention you get because you've probably set yourself quite a high standard because of all the times you have hooked up, which means you start thinking anytime theres a bit of a dry spell that theres a problem or that everyone will be looking down on you because you've not reached a certain target or standard, when in reality its only you thats setting these targets.
So the point i'm getting at is, regardless of whether you continue to hook up with more boys or not, you need to be comfortable with yourself and really think am i doing this because I want to or is there something else encouraging me to do this.
As for hooking up and not getting hurt, well I'm sorry but its really really hard to do if you genuinely feel really attached to the person everytime you do. It seems that you're looking for some constant attention (i don't mean this in a negative way, honestly), so couldn't you just find one of them that you like and ask them out. This doesn't mean you have to be dependent on them, you're only young, relationships are never expected to be serious at you're age. You'd just be having fun and you wouldn't have to worry about meeting any targets or anything like that.
So in conclusion I would say maybe think about getting going out with one of the boys you meet, you don't need to take it too seriously but ultimately make sure you really consider why you have such a strong need to hook up and if it is for the reasons i suggested, then all you have to do is set yourself lower standards =)
Hope this helped
Mike x
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