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How do I tell my gay friend that I don't want to be friends with her now?
My friend told me that she is gay and I do not want to be friends with her anymore. It's not that I don't like her as a person but I cannot grasp the fact that she has become a lesbian. Just months ago she was dating men and now she is claiming homosexuality. I don't like it and the entire thing makes me uncomfortable. I'm trying to avoid her now more than ever since she has confessed her sexuality to me and I feel that I need to just tell her to her face why I no longer have interest in our friendship. How should I tell her? What should I say? I don't want to come off as cruel by saying, "You're a homosexual and that makes me too uncomfortable to continue a friendship with you," but at the same time I think it sounds most appropriate because it is the truth.
I know it isn't fair of me to not tell her why I have been avoiding contact with her. I know I should tell her but I'm not sure how I should go about this. I was thinking a neutral setting would be most appropriate but I don't want to embarrass her if she gets upset in some form.
Does anyone have experience with this or any ideas of how I should handle this matter? Thank you.
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I think that's exactly what you should tell her because I mean, after all, that is why you don't want to be friends right?? She deserves to know that a person she considers a friend, really isn't friend material. I don't mean to sound like a bitch but, I don't think you are worthy of being her friend. If you pick friends based on whether they do everything the way you want, you're gonna end up being a lonely person. Just because you feel "uncomfortable" around her shouldn't mean that she can no longer be your friend......has she ever made a move on you?? My guess is no, probably because you're not her type>>so then why does it matter to you whether she's gay or not?
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I agree with xosodapopx3 that "Its not an easy thing for someone who is gay to come out. The fact that she trusts you enough to confide in you and tell you that, says a lot" but I don't think it's wrong for you. I support homosexuality but I do understand why you feel uncomfortable with your friend now. It's something natural for some people. I think you should try to be with your friend for sometime first. You can decide how long. I'm sure the fact that she told you the fact worth you trying to except her. If you really feel too uncomfortable and you believe that's no way you can be a close friend with her anymore, you have to tell her how you feel. Tell the truth, tell her you like her personality and everything else of her but that you really don't feel comfortable being with her. I'm sure she'll understand, she should have think of this possibility before she told you.
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That's awful.
I'm sorry, but you are a horrible, horrible person for wanting that.
I'm sure you'd get use to it after a while... ?
Holy crap.
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Its not an easy thing for someone who is gay to come out. The fact that she trusts you enough to confide in you and tell you that, says alot. Its wrong of you to not want to be someones friend because of the gender they are attracted to, and its unfair to them. People like you are part of the reason that the world is so against homosexuals, and why it is so hard for gays to come out and be comfortable in their own bodies. If you were gay, you would want your friend to support you. True friends don't judge their friends by how they look or who they are, which is exactaly what you are doing.
She doesn't need you as a friend right now, or ever.
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I agree one million percent with everything everyone else said. Why are you uncomfortable with her being a lesbian? It doesnt affect you. Shes not telling you shes in love with you nor hitting on you. Shes living her life and making herself happy. There is absolutely no reason for you to be so closed minded.
The population of homosexuals is growing by the minute. And its not because its now the "cool" thing to do. Its because its now becoming more acceptable then it ever was so people are becoming more comfortable with coming out. And its people like you that are ruining it.
Do what ever you want to do but if you drop this girl as a friend because she came out that shes a lesbian, then YOU will be the one missing out. Not her. She will be better off.
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What's the matter with you??? She reached out to you for a reason!! I'm assuming that she felt she could trust you!!! Why would you care if you embarrass her, you don't want to be friends anyway so why care?? Personally I think your behavior is shallow. If she hasn't made a pass at you and your friends as you say then why are you not supporting her??? My guess is that you haven't investing nearly as much in the friendship as your friend has.
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You have a friendship. Think about it - she thought she could trust you because you are her friend and that you would judge her, but you've done just that.
Just because she is a lesbian does not mean she fancies you, or infact every other woman out there. You should be happy the fact she is happy, that's what friends do. They support eachother. Why don't you just talk to her about it - I am sure she will understand that you're wierded out by it, it takes a while to adjust and accept new things.
Being lesbian is normal to her, you dont see her rejecting you because you are straight.
If anyone should end the friendship, it's her. You have no right to reject someone who has done nothing wrong to you. You shut out people in your life who have hurt you or done wrong, not someone who has the decency to be honest with you.
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Are you more afraid of being labeled a lesbian because you're friends with her, or a real piece of shit because you rejected her?
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Let me start out by saying that everyone is entitled to an opinion no matter how immature, selfish & wrong it may be. I'm going to have to agree with previous columnists who have answered - this is most definitely cruel.
I don't understand why you don't want to be friends with her anymore? Nothing about her has changed except her sexuality & there is nothing wrong with that. She doesn't have a crush on you, and it's not right to assume that she does just because she's gay.
She's trusted you enough to come out to & you're going to reject her just because you don't agree with it? It can be religion, a personal choice or whatever that can make you disagree with her sexuality, but it's not something that would come up in conversation regularly. I'm sure if you told her you weren't comfortable talking about it, she'd be fine & respect your decision.
I think what you're doing is selfish. How would you feel if you had cancer and didn't know how to tell her & then when you had the guts to, she stopped being your friend? It'd hurt like hell, so I really don't think you should stop being her friend. Her being gay really shouldn't be any different.
However, I'm not one to press my opinions on others, but you should definitely think out all sides of this before you go & make this decision because I'm sure you'll miss her & once you ditch her, she'll be so hurt that she may not even be there when you realize what you've done. So, I think if you want to tell her, just meet her somewhere & tell her that while you think she's a nice girl, her sexuality makes you uncomfortable & that you don't really wanna be friends anymore. It's going to hurt her feelings no matter what, but I think it's best if you do it nicely rather than harshly as you plan to do.
I wish you luck with this and I'm sorry that you feel that way.
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I can relate to you on this question. One of my best friends came out about a year ago that she's bisexual now. And at first I was really uncomfty around her. I never had anything agaist gays but I never was really close to someone who was. I felt that she would start looking at me inappropiately, and she would start bringing women around me, and doing stuff with them. So I advoided her, for as long as I could. But you know what I started to miss her as well. As friends we both went threw alot of things. and I started to think was my friendship with her really worth losing. So I had a talk with her, and I told her how I felt. She was relieved that I wanted to still be her friend. And she promise that she wouldn't say or do anyting inappropiate when I was around. But 1month later she realized it was just a phase. And she really wanted men. and currently she's engaged to a MAN. Weather she remained gay or not, I would have stayed her friend. A good friendship is not worth giving up no matter what. And as friends you experience changes. You may not know what changes you may make make in life. So would you want your friends to abandon you????
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You can choose not to be friends with someone for any reason you'd like, but some of those reasons will be cruel. The truth isn't always pleasant, but I think you are right: Your friend deserves to know the truth about your perceptive, no matter how cruel it is.
So be as polite as you can be, and OWN the problem. The problem is not that she believes she is gay. The problem is you not being okay with her being gay, and you not being comfortable. You are the one with the problem here, not her. Being clear about, and taking ownership of your own emotions, rather than trying to blame her for hers, is the most respectful thing you can do.
Tell her the truth, in a short letter, if you can't find a comfortable neutral place to do it. Don't drag up the whole 'You were straight a month ago!' nonsense. Most people who indentify as homosexual thought they were straight, until the day they realized they weren't. That doesn't make them as less gay. Stay focused on you, not her past, or her future, and back out of the friendship gracefully and with a message of respect, despite your inability to be accepting.
She is going to met many people like you in her life, who, for some reason or another can't accept, live and let live, and be comfortable with her changing indenitiy, her confusion, or her sexuality. The best thing you can do, is make this first rejection gentle and respectful.
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I don't think that you should end your friendship because of that. I mean just tell her you don't want to have a relationship with her and you will never like her in that way. Make sure she doesn't come on to you. If you still don't want to be her friend then just tell her nicely but be truthful. I think you should continue to be her friend though. But it's what you want. I hope this helps.
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As you have not supplied your age answering your question is somewhat harder. For the purpose of your question I will assume you are in your early to mid teens.
If I understand your question correctly; your friend has announced to you that she is a lesbian. You are upset by this revelation and uncomfortable by it as well. You are also confused by her announcement as just a short time ago she was dating me.
Consider this if you will: Teenager are forever exploring their sexuality, your friend may have experienced a lesbian relationship and enjoyed it. There are a number of reasons for this; first and the biggest, you cannot get pregnant from a gay relationship so it takes the stress out of it. Second, you can just about have sex right under your parents’ noses without them wondering what is going on in your bedroom; after all you are just two girls having fun. Last, the changing hormone in teenager, both boys and girls, makes for a great deal of sexual tension that has to find an outlet. Most teenagers resort to masturbation to satisfy these tensions. Others, again both boys and girls, experiment with gay relationships. This could be the situation with your friend. Whatever her reason for becoming or trying the lesbian lifestyle she has shown a great deal of trust and friendship in coming out to you.
As long as she understands you have no interest in a sexual relationship with her I see no reason why you should end your friendship with her. You may have to make certain adjustment to your relationship such as double dating. Other than that she is the same person she was before she came out to you. My suggestion is that you meet with her and explain to her that you were shocked by her announcement and have had some trouble coming to terms with it. Tell her that you still like her as a person and a friend but you are not interested in any type of sexual relationship with her. That you ask that she please not make any type of advance towards you in that manner or it will end your friendship. You can also add that for now you are not interested in meeting her significant other, possibly in the future as you grow more comfortable with her lifestyle.
Gay and lesbians are people just like you and me. Other than the flaming ones it is hard to pick them out of a crowd. Both my wife and I work and have worked with people who are gay and lesbians and met their significant others. It takes some getting use too, but if you can look past the stigmatism they are just people trying to get by in life.
I really did not mean to lecture but it is so hard to make friends and so easy to make enemies I thought you might be interested in another point of view. Whatever you decide please be kind and gentle for as I said it took a great deal of courage for your friend to come out to you.
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You don't want to sound cruel but the fact is, this is cruel.
It probably took your friend alot to come out to you and you are just rejecting her. What has changed? Just because she doesn't like men anymore doesn't mean she is a different person. Similarly, it doesn't mean she now has a crush on you, just like you don't have crushes on all your male friends.
Of course she is going to be upset and embarrassed at her friend telling her she doesn't want to see her anymore, it'd be ridiculous to expect otherwise.
You seriously need to rethink your attitude. How would you feel if it was the other way round? I suggest you put yourself in your friend's shoes for a moment. Imagine you made the brave step of telling her something as important as that, only to have her reject you for it?
It's normal to be surprised and have to readjust to something like this but you can't just cut off all ties. Perhaps you should try talking to your friend about it and try and understand how she feels. If you can gain a better understanding of the situation you may feel more comfortable.
If you can't see how selfish you're being, she doesn't deserve a friend like you.
EDIT:
You are entitled to your opinion, but saying that you now look like a lesbian yourself because you were close friends with her is a shallow and immature opinion. Do you look like you are sleeping with all your male friends?
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