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to have sex or not to have sex
ok so first off i'm an 18 year old guy. i've been in a relationship with my dream girl for now 7 1/2 months. she's 17. she's the first girlfriend that i've ever had. before me she dated a guy for 7 months, they broke up about a year and a 1/2 ago, but that was pretty much it for her. we're both deeply in love with each other. before her i was depressed and miserable but she changed all that and since we've been together i'm happier than i ever could've imagined. i know that she's really happy with me too. so basically we can't get enough of each other. something that has really been getting to me lately is the issue of sex. in 7 1/2 months we haven't done anything sexual at all, no blowjobs, no handjobs or anything like that. i kind of thought that was a good thing for the first couple months because we were able to make something great together without sex or anything but lately it's been getting to me. i'm really sexually attracted to her and it's just driving me crazy. i know that she's strongly attracted to me too, she's said so and i'm exactly her type. we've both sent each other alot of nude pictures and there was no big deal about it. i feel completely comfortable sending them to her and she feels the same. we do touch each other alot, not sexually however. for example, sometimes we'll just lay on her bed for 4 hours snuggling up with each other really tight just talking about how much we love each other and stuff. we have this thing where we tickle each other alot. we tickle bare skin like the stomach, back, and she likes tickling my "man boobs". she also likes giving me wedgies. she's jokingly admitted that the whole wedgy thing is just an excuse to touch my ass. lately all that touching stuff has intensified. i get the feeling that i really need to do something. i know that alot of the time sex is bad for young couples but its been 7 1/2 months and we've made such a solid foundation already without it. i don't really want to go into like real sex until maybe prom night, which is in 2 months. i want our first time to be special and romantic. i do want to do some of the other stuff though. i want to go down on her so badly because i feel like she deserves it and i want to make her feel good. i don't even want a blowjob or anything else all that badly because i just want to make her feel good. she has told me that her ex went down on her while they were dating but she never had sex with him, she's still a virgin like me. it's embarassing to say but i know how to do all of the stuff because i looked it up online. there are alot of times when we have the opportunity to do stuff, both our parents work alot. i really don't know how to even get into that situation. people have said to just kind of "explore" while we're making out and go from there. i'm kind of an awkward kid and i'm somewhat unconfident and very scared of failure even though i've gotten all the info i need from websites and friends, both male and female. so if anyone could help me out i would much appreciate it. i know i probably sound weird but i'm just really confused about the whole thing.
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the best thing i can say is that when u get to making out start trying to take her shirt off and then if she starts to cooperate then go for her pants then her bra and so on.but if she doesnt cooperate then she's not ready.
april
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I completely understand what you're saying but I think you're not thinking this through. Hormones tend to get to us while we are maturing and really it sounds that way in this case.
Virginity should be a very, very special thing and I'm sure you're fully aware of this. The thing is, you love the girl and I'm sure respect her. If you love the girl, why not wait until you're married? It would make things a lot easier in the sex department and proves your love more than having sex on prom night. I promise you it would be a lot more romantic too.
If you're not ready to marry her, maybe you're not ready to have sex. It's really something to think about. Marriage means a lot of sacrifice for the other person and so does having children. Having sexual relations means you risk making a child every single time.
If you claim that you're too young to get married then you need to realize you're too young to be having children. If you do want to marry her now then surely you can wait until she turns 18. Sex does not need to come NOW and the longer you wait, the more special it will be.
I think if you've made it this long without sexual contact then you should wait it out. Make wedding night super extra special for you both. It would show her how much you love her by waiting all of that time, showing her that sex has not been what you were after this whole time. It really is one of those ultimate forms of love. To look back and to realize how much each of you cared about one another is something you can proudly tell your children when they are older and have girlfriends/boyfriends.
Don't pressure her for sex; you're making decisions based on what YOU want and not what she is desiring. You have decided that prom night is special, you have decided that you two area ready to have some form of sex, and you have decided what is special and what isn't. This isn't at all what love should be. You should have expected to wait until wedding night any way out of respect for her.
Prom night is not really as special as you may think. I know a few girls that have gotten pregnant on prom night and were later dumped. Prom may sound special at first but wedding night is the real winner.
Think about what would happen if there was a child conceived from an encounter. Your girlfriend may think that if you married her after that it would only be because you had gotten her pregnant. To point out again, no protection is 100% effective--even when you use two methods you're still at risk.
Here is a list of just financial facts (not emotional needs that we should think about when reproducing) about a baby's first year of life:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Sex can break a couple sometimes and I'm sure you don't want that. I've seen couples break up because the sex wasn't good or they just weren't compatible in the bed (someone was too shy, someone had a kink, someone didn't like something the other loved, etc). Those couples made too big of a deal out of it. They wanted sparks to fly and for it to be special and perfect and when it wasn't what they expected they were highly disappointed.
Here is a good list of 25 reasons why you should keep your virginity until you're wed (even if you do have sex it's very interesting to read and think about):
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Please consider what I've said before leaping into anything with your girlfriend. I really hope your relationship makes it through all of the hurdles life can throw at us.
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Hey there, First of all I want to say AAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! You sound like a really sweet guy and quiet frankly, there aren't enough guys like you around the place!!!
Secondly, It sounds like that you two have a very strong connection with each other and you really enjoy being with each other.
Obviously she's not going to reject you with sexual favours because she's already had a bit of experience previously, so thats good to know.
Thirdly, I say go for it. If you think the time is right and you two care deeply for each other, then it sounds like it's the perfect time to express your love in a more passionate way.
There is absolutely no right or wrong way to have sex, it's all about the persons personal preferences and the two of you will only learn from experience.
Don't make your relationship all about sex, I don't think your the type of guy that will but sometimes it just needs to be said.
It is however VERY important to make sure that the two of you are protected. I don't give a crap about these people who thinks sex is better without a condom, wrap it up!!!!
It's better for the two of you to be protected then to be sorry and have a sexually transmitted disease that you can die from.
Later on down the tract when things are a bit more serious and more committed, then unprotected sex might be something that you can discuss with each other.
If your worried about how your girl might react when you try to take things further, just let her be in control, give her the impression your ready to have sex and just let it happen, don't force it, it's not something that can be forced or planned. It'll happen when the time is right for the both of you.
Or you can talk to her about it, let her know that when she is ready, your ready to take the next step in your relationship. Be very supportive and understanding if she isn't ready because at some stage she will be, desicions like this can take time.
It's not just all about the sex, cuddles and kisses are just as important, it makes it much more special and much more relaxing and rememberable!!
I hope I helped :) Goodluck!!!
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I have to say, before anything else, what a nice guy you truly sound like. There's nothing wrong with being awkward, there's nothing wrong with waiting, and there's certainly nothing wrong with doing research to have an idea of what's going on. Now, after that, I'd have to say make yourself comfortable, because this might take a minute. [:
As I was reading through this, I immediately had flash backs to my first time "exploring" with my boyfriend. First things first! Talk to her. If you feel so intensely about something, and you think she does too, actually communicating about it will get the ball rolling! Two months is [in my opinion] plenty of time to get yourselves aquainted with each other, for prom night.
After talking about it with her, and you actually want to DO something, take it slow. When you're making out, slide your hands up the sides of her shirt and just hold her, firmly and securely, not too tight or loose. Lean back from the kiss and just smile at her and tell her you love her, then make out some more.
I can [enough, atleast] understand what you mean about going down on her. It was a really big thing for my boyfriend because he felt the same way about me. Tell her what all you want to do to her/for her, and why. When you're in bed cuddling for hours on end, try something then!
Ask her permission, and unbutton the top button of her pants. If she objects then, STOP. If she doesn't object, pull down the zipper. Slide her pants slowly down her hips and off, dropping them on the floor. If she looks or says she feels awkward, stop what you're doing to reassure her that she's beautiful, and you'll stop whenever she says so.
Then, if you dare continue, hook your fingers into the sides of her panties and get her to help you ease them off. Pause again to make sure she's alright, then continue. I would suggest fingering her [start with one finger, because she's probably rather tight, and eventually you two will work your way up to more fingers]
That should get you started, I hope. If you have anymore questions, feel completely free to ask. [:
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sex is a matter of choice. if you don't feel comfortable don't do it. if you want to do sexual stuff with her, put her in "the position" to. while kissing or something gradually, feel up on her.
if she doesn't like it she'll take your hand and put it off to the side. but GRADUALLY work your way to get where you want to be. tease her to please her. then i think you have an idea of what she wants after that :)
you can only build confidence by demonstrating it infront of other people. once you "go down on her" once it will become the norm for her.
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Please use paragraph breaks. This question is an eye-sore without them. I almost rejected it simply because it was so unpleasant to read. You'll get better advice if you make your question more readable.
Also, using question marks would help people realize exactly what you are asking. You don't actually ask any questions here I can answer... that makes this hard.
I'm not going to tell you how to have sex. As you said, there are plenty of websites that will give you pointers.
This is what you need to do now:
TALK TO HER.
Put that 'solid foundation' you've built to good use and talk to her about what you see happening, what you would like, how you feel about it and how you would like it to happen.
Although 'surprising her' or 'just exploring' while making out sounds spontaneous and romantic, it also sets you up for waaaay to much stress and failure.
Explaining to her what you intentions are, and talking about your fears (and hers) will let you actually move forward with this.
Spontaneity is for people with a good sexual 'vocabulary', not for beginners. Beginners need to talk openly with one another, a lot, before and during any sexual act.
Your next step is not moving her hands to _____ or taking off her clothes. Your next step is telling that you would like to do those things, or would like her do to those things now and making sure the two of you are on the same page.
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next time you're with her and cuddling or whatever just bring up the topic. she's probably thinking the same thing as you but you're both either too shy or embarassed to say anything. don't have sex yet. experiment with the other things and see how that goes. when you're cuddling just unbutton the button on her pants and see what she says about it. if she says back off then obviously she's not ready for any of that. if she doesnt say anything then just take it slow and go from there. maybe she'll do the same to you. you really have to just talk about it with her though so you can both figure out what you're boundaries are and what you're willing to do or what you want.
dont be afraid of failure. you've been going out for 7months...thats not failure in the least bit.
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I think that if you truly think that you are ready and you really love her then go for it. Sex is not really a way to show love unless you truly mean it. But it seems as though you guys have already built the foundation needed. But if you do go for it, i reccomend that you not blab about it to your buddies (not saying that you would). But that can make you seem like a jerk. But like i said, if you both are in love and you both are ready, then you should go for it! good luck
-hayley
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16 yr-old female.
You sound like a really sweet guy who really cares about his girlfriend and that is key when thinking about exploring sexual actions.
I completely understand how you feel about this. When you care about someone you worry about pleasing them and making it good for them. In the end you just have to make sure that you think of their feelings and don't make yourself uncomfortable. Don't push past either of your boundaries.
You two seem like you really care about each other and that you are ready for sex. But its perfectly understandable to be nervous before your first time, everyone is. If you really love someone though, things will go smoothly and will end up great. As for how to do it, as your making out let your hands explore her body. Take control but be sensitive, she will let you know if she disapproves. Things will come easier after you make it over the first hump.You are a mature 18 year-old boy and I'm sure you will make the right decision.
Hope I Helped!
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female. teen :)
I've been with my boyfriend for one year and a few months and I have to say at around the eight month mark, the most we had really done was take our tops off, and then not even everything for me. It was kind of frustrating because we had something so good without sexual activity but at the same time I could have related to how you are feeling now: we had never actually touched each other in that way. I had no idea hwo to go about it even though I'd told my boyfriend I was okay with the concept of it all, mainly because I didn't know whether he'd like it or not or anything! I had no experience. Foreplay is soemthing that most girls are completely clueless at to start with unless they've done things with a previous partner and then even if they have, they find it hard to muster the courage to do it that spontaneously unless they have a HORRIFICALLY brave moment.
It's okay to feel frustrated in this way. :)
So anyway, me and my boyfriend were stuck because we both kind of wanted to - it just didn't happen. I personally think it's because he suggested it too much and I thought about him suggesting it too much - but in the end he solved it by taking initiative. I'm sorry to say, but alot of the time guys need to take initiative in relationships because girls are a bit grey in that area. We played the dare game. Juvenile as it was the basic idea was obviously to dare each other to take items of clothing off and whatnot, and finally set a deadline as to when the game would finish and the game would be won by someone should they postpone doing the dare (e.g. - like you say, let me go down on you?' - I didn't let him do that until about two months ago, that's mainly because he was my first boyfriend and I'm very self conscious, whereas your girlfriend seems much more open from what you've said). Obviously no one wants to lose a game as trivial as the dare game!!
My suggestion isn't that you should get a spin the bottle set out and challenge your girlfriend, but you need to see it as a challenge. Not the kind of challenge you see it as now, like an obstacle to be made to get out of the way, but as something that should be embraced and had fun with. Yesh? :) That means you can do it any way whatsoever.
It doesn't hurt to take initiative and suggest it either. The worst thing she could say is no, and with girls that's probably because she starts to feel nervous or thinks that you might be disappointed in some way. Even if she says no, at a later date try again. Every time she's going to be more accepting of it. She might even accept it first time! Either way, me and my boyfriend got to where we are now (that covers everything) by making it fun, a challenge. Taking it in turns. Him, especially, being persistent.
It'll be fine - just remember, nothing is going to happen unless one of you makes a move. And neither of you can presume it'll be the other, so you have to try yourself. Who knows, she might be thinking that right now! She probably wants you on another level just as much as you want to move to another level.
Hope I helped
And MUCH good luck :)
x
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Okay, first of all, discuss the issue of "sex" with your girl friend.
It is VERY important that you do so, because if something happens, and I think you know what I'm talking about, you need to be prepared.
First of all, think of all of the risks - mainly STD's, HIV/AID's and pregnancy.
All condoms are not created equal - they do not prevent against all types of STD's, like syphilis or gonorrhea. They are also misused over 60% of the time - that means that only 40% of the time they actually have an effect.
Birth control pills do not prevent STD's, you also can still get pregnant if you skip a pill.
If I were you, I wouldn't recommend having sex - it's torn people apart because they've had to start all over once they receive the "9-month surprise".
You need to discuss this matter before doing anything.
-Mariah-
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Dont feel embarrassed about being a virgin. Its a great thing. And yes sex does complicate things. But if you think your ready and she says she is ready then go for it. But ALWAYS USE PROTECTION. It doesnt matter if she's a virgin sperm has no name and it can impregnate any female. If you really wanna go down on her that badly ask her. Im pretty sure she will so yes. If she discussed that (her ex doing it) with you then of course she wants you to do it.
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