So I'm 18/f.
I'm in a long-distance relationship right now, with an amazing guy. He's coming to town for a week on the 14th and I can't wait to see him.
But my mom is being a huge hassle. For one, she's making him stay at a hotel on the other side of town (which is 60 bucks a night.) Plus, she read his blog on his myspace and made him add her as a friend on facebook just so she can "know what this kid's all about". I find myself repeatedly apologizing to him because of her invasion of our relationship (she's always asking me what he meant by blah blah blah or teasing me about what I'll leave him for a comment, etc.) It's getting so annoying. I know she means well, but I feel like I'm under constant supervision.
She's insisting on driving me to the airport to pick him up when he flies in, and she even refuses to wait in the car when I go in to find him. All I want is to say hello to him without her supervision, since I haven't seen him in person since December. How can I convince her to just back off?? Help! I'm desperate.
CaliforniaLover1111 answered Monday March 3 2008, 4:08 am: wow... so you pretty much just wrote about my exact problem...and im the same age and gender too so i totally know how you feel...im also in a long distance relationship with an amazing guy that i really do think i love but my mother has a huuuuge problem with it and we constantly fight about it...its so frustrating because you just want her to be okay with it...
people tell me that my moms only being like this because she cares about me and they are totallly on her side...what if you came up with a compromise for your mom? she can come in with you to the airport but has to stay at a certain spot...even if its up high looking down at you...somewhere at a distance where she can still see you...and then you can introduce him to her and im sure things will be fine...
i cant really give you advice since im in the same boat as you but once this whole thing takes place you should let me know how it goes because maybe itll help me out when my guy comes to visit...i just wanna know how you handled it all and stuff if you dont mind so yeah you should totally write me about if you can :) thanks and good luck!!! [ CaliforniaLover1111's advice column | Ask CaliforniaLover1111 A Question ]
ilikesalami answered Monday March 3 2008, 4:07 am: i agree with caitie bug. be happy that your mom actually cares enough about your well being. but apparently you knew him before NOT on the internet? still.. you never know peoples true intentions and it may seem like you know him sooo much but there have been many cases like this that can go horribly wrong. i mean you must be smart enough to know that, your 18 and im only 14. [ ilikesalami's advice column | Ask ilikesalami A Question ]
caitiebug6793 answered Monday March 3 2008, 1:28 am: I'm sorry but your mom does have a right to do this. I'm not trying to bring you down but she's only trying to protect you in case this dude is not what he wants you to think. The world wide web has a lot of creepy people and I cheer your mom on for doing this. I'm only 14, and I'm talking to this foreign guy who I think I'm falling in love with. Maybe you're just infatuated with this guy that you think you love him, and it's going to be terrible IF, and that's a big IF he isn't what he says, he may be a predator, and that's your mom's biggest fear and it's very simple and obvious that your mom loves you and cares about you and that's why she is doing all of this. [ caitiebug6793's advice column | Ask caitiebug6793 A Question ]
Xenolan answered Monday March 3 2008, 12:42 am: You're 18 years old, you're a legal adult, and that means that you can see who you like. Your mom can certainly offer her opinion, but in the end it's your call who you choose to associate with.
However, this isn't just about dating who you like; it's more complicated than that. There are some points here where your mom is right, and some where you are. Here's where your mother is right:
(1) It is up to your mom to decide who is a guest in her home. She is perfectly within her rights to say that he has to stay at a hotel. In her position, I would say the same thing.
(2) Your mom can read his blog on myspace if she wants to. It's open to the public. If he doesn't want her to read something on it, he shouldn't post it there. The same holds true for whatever comments you're leaving. It's PUBLIC. Send him a private message if you don't want her to read it.
(3) I really have to wonder how she "made" him add her as a friend. Was it at gunpoint, or something? That was his decision to do that - he could have said "no".
Here's where you're right:
(1) You should be able to greet him at the airport by yourself if you want to. The airport is a public place and every inch of it is under constant camera surveillance; you'd be hard-pressed to find a more secure meeting place, if that's her concern. Tell her that. And if you have alternate transportation to get there, you should be able to use it. If she's your only source of wheels... well, you can expect this sort of thing to happen.
(2) As an 18-year-old legal adult, you can expect a certain degree of privacy in your relationships. The easiest way to get it is to make it clear that you WILL have it whether she likes it or not, and that if she wants to continue having an open and honest relationship with you, she will stop butting in where she is not welcome, and especially teasing you about your comments on his page (but see above about it being a public place).
Bottom line: You seem to want independence. If you want to get out from under what you feel to be oppressive rules, then you need to start supporting yourself. You don't mention anything about your home situation, but I'm guessing that you are, essentially, still living as her child in your mother's house and she pays all the bills. There's nothing wrong with that up to a certain point (if you're still in high school, for instance, I'd say the situation is normal). But if you want the freedom of adulthood, you're going to have to earn it. [ Xenolan's advice column | Ask Xenolan A Question ]
Cux answered Monday March 3 2008, 12:10 am: Has she ever met him? If she hasn't- I think she's perfectly justified in what she's doing.
Your mother LOVES you. She cares about you and your well-being. She isn't purposely trying to embarrass you or whatever. She is concerned for you- and wants to make sure this guy is right for her daughter. She wants to make sure this isn't some stalker or rapist- since this is a long-distance relationship, over the internet, I'm assuming. But we both know that assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME. [Get it? It spells "assume".]
If she's met this guy before IN PERSON- well then maybe just ask her nicely if she would wait in the car. If you scream at her and throw a temper tantrum- that isn't going to get you anywhere. Show her that you're mature.
As for the him staying at your house- I see why she doesn't want him to stay over. You mother is worried you'll have sex with him. I could be wrong, though. Ask her. Communication is key. This is likely the reason- and I'm hoping that having sex with him is something you wouldn't consider under your mother's roof, but it's your choice. If this is her fear- tell her you won't do that, but don't lie. If that is your plan- then don't tell her you won't. My point is- don't lie to your mother. It never ends well.
Maybe ask that he stays in a separate room? That might help ease the worriment of your mother, perhaps.
All in all, just be honest with your mother- and approach her with maturity and tact- and perhaps she will "give in".
MikeCFT answered Monday March 3 2008, 12:07 am: Well excuse her for being protective of her daughter. I mean God forbid she would actually CARE? It's a known fact that EVERYONE tells the truth on the internet anyway.
She's your mother...it's her right to be protective, I'd be a lot more upset if she didn't give a shit about your well being with meeting someone who, lets face it, is basically an internet stranger. She doesn't want her daughter becoming another potential cyber-crime statistic. Personally, I wouldn't want some kid my daughter met on the INTERNET sleeping on my couch either, but that's just one of my quixotic thoughts. 60 bucks a night? Hey- too bad, that's life; you made the trip so take the responsibility of also paying for lodging. She's not going to back off, and in time you will be thankful of her caution.
Razhie answered Sunday March 2 2008, 5:35 pm: Has she ever met this guy?
If she knows this boy, has met him and spoke to him, has had him over for dinner and met his parents and some of his friends... then I agree with you, she is being invasive.
However, if she doesn't know this guy, if she has spent less then a half-hour in his pressence, she is being a good mother (also a slightly annoying one, as all effective parents are).
Consider this a 'paying your dues' in order to EARN the privallage him recieving of an invitation in your parents home and of being trusted by your mother. The simple truth is, no decently intelligent parent is going to assume a guy is a great guy just because thier daughter tells them so. A responsible parent wants to make sure.
Her requirements of him staying in a hotel and even her request of being added to his facebook are perfectly reasonable if she DOESN'T KNOW HIM. It's not about her not trusting you, it's about her not trusting a stranger.
I will agree with you this far: It would nice if she would let you great him privately, but agian, if she doesn't know this guy, I can appericate why she doesn't want you alone with him until she has at least met him. It's also probably completely fair to say to her that although you understand why she wanted to be added to his facebook, you'd apperciate it she'd just read what she needs to read and not give you the third degree about it.
If she has met him then set some bounderies like "Mom, I want to met him alone. You can wait just outside the recieving area, but I think it's perfectly fine for us to have a moment togeather first." If she hasn't met him, just let her tag along and ignore her.
Remember: You might think like an adult, and be an almost-adult, but as long as you are a teen living in your parents house you are NOT actually an adult. Accept that, and work with your mother and her concerns, rather then agianst her. There is some shit you just have to take when you are a dependant. Pick your battles carefully, and you will win more of them. [ Razhie's advice column | Ask Razhie A Question ]
unfabulousx3 answered Sunday March 2 2008, 5:12 pm: Just tell your mom how you feel and just to back off. Hes your boyfriend not hers. i mean its great that she cares and stuff, but its just a little to much and it gets annoying.
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