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Your opinion?
Do you feel it's okay to change your significant other? Let's saying, you liked to drink. Do you think it's okay for your bf/gf to persuade/threaten your relationship for you to stop? Vice versa. Do you think it's okay for you to tell them to stop or make them feel guilty because you don't like it? What if they only drank on special occasions or every other week/month. Is it okay to control them?
I'm curious on your thoughts :]
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
ok for starters it is NEVER ok for anyone in a relationship to say "If you love me you'd..." or "If you don't stop____ i will____" because it's not fair on the person your seeing. People don't respond to threats the more boundaries you put on people the more they want to break free. Tell your partner the reasons for the thing you want to change in that person and if they respect you enough they will at least try and change to benefit your relationship. Hope i helped.
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No, it is not.
The only time you should force change in a relationship is
1) If you have reasonable needs that are not being taken care of
2) It is a change that you and your significant other agree needs to be made for them to be a better person.
In those two occasions it is permissable to ask for changes. Do not threaten. Relationships are about COMPROMISE not control. If you need something to change and it isnt changing, then it might be time to end the relationship.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend just does something you don't like then you need to first look at yourself and see if there is a very good reason for you to feel that way about what theyre doing. Example, if someone is drinking a few times a month on special occasions and you have a problem with that, that is YOUR problem not theirs. If someone does something responsibly like that and you just don't like that, it is unreasonable of you to expect them to change for you.
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It depends on what it is that you want to change. If, for example, you are madly in love with your boyfriend, but he wears really old skate shoes that you hate, it wouldn't be a bad thing to go shoe shopping together and try & convince him to wear newer shoes.
Changing their personality/habits, though, isn't right. If they're doing something destructive there's no harm in trying to help them stop. But if their overall personality annoys you for no reason, then you're not compatible- plain and simple.
-LM
[15/f]
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Nope. Not as far as their personal habits go anyway.
My reason for this is that in the end it will end up destroying most relationships.
If someone is a drunk you can try to make them stop.
It would be a good thing. But statistics show that
most relationships that started before an alcoholic
stops drinking do not last long after they do. They
are not the same person.
So, if you don't like someones habits, the best thing to do is to stay away from them. They won't change and it will drive you crazy. If they stop
for you, in the end they will resent you. You lose either way. :)
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The simple fact of the matter is that whether we want our partners to change or not, it's next to impossible to change another person. The only way people change is when they really want to do it - not when they feel forced to do so, not when an ultimatim is put down, not when they feel they have no choice in the matter. Because they're likely to only temporarily change - no matter how much they love or respect the person asking them to stop.
Of course, the flip side of this is that they may feel unloved or devalued. When we enter into relationships with people, I think we need to be prepared to take them warts and all.
I'm not denying that people can change, but usually only if they want to - and at that point, the support and encouragement of someone who loves them is probably invaluable.
It's more than okay to explain why you are worried about someone, or to talk about the impact their behaviour has on you. But to try to control another person? Not only will it not work, but it could ruin the relationship.
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I wouldn't say that controlling them is the answer, and I don't think there is anything wrong with drinking in moderation - as long as you know when to stop. BUT if you do stupid things/bad things while drunk, or a mean drunk, then I think that person has a right to confront you with it and make you make a decision. Of course, this is depending on the person - if it's your boyfriend/girlfriend, if you're serious and are living together or any of the other things I mentioned - I can understand that.
Like me, with my parents, I've lived with drinking my whole life. My dad drank and he died from it, my mother started shortly after and I think I have a right to say something about it because she has a drinking problem. There's a difference between drinking and knowing when to stop - and drinking and you can't stop, then you have a problem.
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I don't think it's okay to control someone.
You can certainly tell them you don't like what they are doing and help them quit, but it's up to them whether they want to give it up in the long run.
The only time I feel it's necessary to start the "threats" is if what they are doing is putting themselves and others around them at risk. but that suggests the person needs help because it could be a dangerous addiction.
Other than that, people know what they are letting themselves in for before being in a relationship. You should know whether a person likes the occasional drink, smoke, whatever - and you should accept that. but don't forget, you can still tell them you don't like it. They MAY stop for you.
Noone's perfect. Maybe you could both find things to give up on to help each other through it.
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Control is not okay. Unless you agree on it in the BDSM department hehe. Seriously, control is not okay. Never let some one force you or just as you don't want to be forced don't force others to do what they do not. Everyone has a choice and they should not be reprimanded for making their choices.
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Personally I dont think its ok. The only exception to this is if it was an abusive problem (i.e. if there were signs of alcoholism, or extreme negligence or abuse when under influence).
We all have things that we enjoy doing, and presumably one knew this before entering the relationship. It does not seem fair to me to then try to mold someone into something else, or to try to deprive them of the things that they have come to enjoy. Not without a really good reason.
Now just to share a few other thoughts on what you wrote. I can respect someone who says "ok, I cannot live with this and if it does not stop I will leave." Thats fair enough and honest (very drastic in this example, but firm and to the point). Guilt trips and idle threats however have no place in any relationship. That just makes the times you have together more miserable, and it will make the person on the receiving end react in ways you do not want (e.g. they may become dishonest, they may wish to spend less time with you, they may even leave, etc.).
So, bottom line, I dont think it is ever ok to control someone in a relationship. One can try to use gentle persuasion to try to convince a person to change a habit one dislikes. However one should also be open to the fact that they may not wish to change it. Without a good reason they have every right to stand their ground. I think it is only ok to interfere drastically if a situation is becoming a real problem.
Thats just my opinion anyway :)
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