|
Surviving Infidelity
I have been married for 5 years, and for the past 10 months have been having an affair with a man from work. I love my husband, but I know that if I tell him the truth, we will be over. My husband is very good to me. The affair is now over. I have been feeling guilty and depressed, and I don't know if I should tell my husband. I also think there is a possibility that I might do this again, and I can't explain why. What should I do? Tell him, and try to move on, or move on myself, and try to spare our relationship?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I was unfaithful in a significant relationship. Had the same feelings you did. Told him. He left me. Later my neighbors said " we are glad you finally kicked him out since he had women come to your place when you were gone. I ran into him later and told him that. He denied it and sounded so convincing. I almost believed him. Through the following months I would find condoms we didnt use, long hairs in blanket when i had short hair, old little love post its, credit card receipts of gifts i never got (flowers, jewelry, undies from victoria's secret). I called him and ran this list by him and innocently replied, "maybe they are from the previous house owners and even if it was mine, you were unfaithful too. Some people deal with infidelity differently. I wish I hadn't said anything, found his evidence and been the good guy, instead he told all our friends. So, use this story to decide what to do .
]
well firstly,i;m happy that the affair is over. the guilt and derpression is caused by the fact that you are being dishonest with your husband. You said that he is very good to you and that you love him, don't you think that you owe it to him to be honest with him? I think that you should tell your husband and if it causes your marriage to be over, well then so be it because as you said there is the possibility that you might do it again,your husband does not deserve that.i know you may think i am being harsh, but think abot your husband would feel.If you know that you will NEVER be unfaithful again, you should still tell him but try and work it out. I hope you do the right thing.Good luck !!!
]
Do you want to save your marriage? If so, then I think you need to try and figure out just what it is
that made you stray. Then you need to discuss the problems with your husband and try your best to solve them.
If you want to save your marriage I'm not so sure you tell him about the affair. I am torn on this. I don't believe that couples should keep things from each other. So from this day forward, if you decide to keep quiet, talk to him and not some other guy.
I am torn about this because telling him just eases YOUR conscious and makes YOU feel better. It can potentially destroy his entire life. I don't think you punish someone else to make yourself feel better. Not to be mean, but you should feel bad. If you didn't I would be worried about you.
It is over, it is done, you are going to feel guilty for awhile but you need to concentrate on
your marriage now if you choose to stick with it.
If you don't think you want to be married anymore,
then you leave him. If you feel you are going to do it again, leave him BEFORE you do it. It is cruel to string someone along.
]
I honestly think that if you love your husband as much as you say you do, then you need to tell him what you've been doing behind his back for 10 months.
Yes, it'll hurt him & you'll be over, but the guilt will be gone & there won't be such a heavy weight on your shoulders. The depression might stay [simply because it's incredibly hard to get rid of], so for that I suggest you get counseling.
Since you know you're going to cheat again [or have the feeling that you are], I'd end it with your husband so that you can do this freely with no guilt since there is no attachment.
]
In this case, it would matter what YOU wanted more. If you feel like this is a relationship you want to persue, then I would say of coarse you should explore the opportunity but that would also be if you weren't married.
See, as boyfriend and girlfriend, you are not bound as one and you havent vowed your love to them but as husband and wife, its a different story.
If you want to make things right in your marriage then I would tell you you need to tell him and stop seeing the other guy along with being ready for the storm you caused in your home life for a
while. (small price to pay for a clear concsious)
If you are in fact ready to leave your marriage and see what the other man offers, then I say go for it. There is no point staying in a marriage when other men are still an issue for you.
Many would stay in the relationship and lie and fake through it but if you truly love this man or ever have then you want to make this as easy as possible on him and let him go.
Dont get me wrong, this is all easier said than done but relationships are hard work and when those situations come about, we have to let our minds put our bodies in check. You know you have potentially caused him alot of heartache but time heals all wounds.
If this is just a co-worker I would say chances are, he's not even worth messing up what you have but after 10 months with this man, he is your other man. Sad to say but as long as he's single, you may have a chance and husband #2.
Hey, in the end it's all about you ma!
]
Alright.
First, a question. Do you want to lose him?
I mean, all things considered, do you love this man, and want to be his? Do you want to be his wife and do you want to spend your life with him?
Does he want the same? Do you make him happy? Are you still in love with each other?
If you think that it is better for you to move on, if you think that you are not happy in your marriage and you are cheating because you are not getting what you need out of the relationship, then tell him and end it. It is better for him to be with a faithful person and better for you to get out of a relationship that is not making you happy.
If.
If if if.
If you can be happy in your relationship with him, if you two do make each other smile, and if you and he are still in love with each other, do not tell him.
Ever.
If you can make your marriage work and want to, if you want to stay with this man and make him happy, then do not tell him. And do not cheat on him again. Ever.
There are no excuses for infidelity. If you are not the kind of person who can just be with one person sexually, that should have come out before you ever slept with other people. Hell, for all you know, he might be the kind of guy who could learn to be open to the idea of bringing others into your sex life. It just has to be solidified as YOUR sex life TOGETHER first.
If you want to be with this man, then dont tell him. Telling him what happened isnt for him. Its not going to do him any good. Tell ing him is for you, to assuage your guilty conscience. If you want to stay with him and make it work, never tell him. Deal with the guilt silently. Do what it takes to make your husband happy, and take this secret to the grave.
Thats the question. Do you want this, or not.
If not, do right by him and end it.
If so, do right by him and let him believe he is all you need. And if you need to, have a talk with him about expanding whatever sexual boundaries need to be expanded for this marriage to continue working.
I'll finish with a story. A friend of mine cheated on her husband after 3 years. She cheated with the same guy for about a month, then never spoke to him again.
As a way of fixing things (because she truly loved him and wanted to be his forever) she brought up the subject by bringing a girl into their sex life. One of her single friends shared their bed for about a month several times a week.
Over time, others were brought in. She eventually explained after they had been in a more open relationship like that about the fact that she had cheated, and he then had a frame of reference to understand why she had and to understand that not being completely monogamous didnt mean she didnt belong as a person and a woman wholly to him. He had always been able to pick and choose and she gave him final say on anyone after that one instance of cheating.
They are now in their mid 30s and had their 15th anniversary this year. Quite happily married.
Its a way Ive seen someone in your situation make things work.
]
Obviously you do not care about your husband like you say you do. I think you need to tell him the truth before it happens again. You hurt him enough and I think its better if you both move on from each other, and if he does forgive you, which would be a miracle, it would never be the same again between you two.
]
I don't think it is a matter of YOU surviving infidelity. It is your husband. You have hurt him in a way that no one else on earth can hurt him, and he doesn't even know.
Its good the affair is over. I question why it is over, why you are feeling depressed, and why on earth you would even consider doing it again.
If I was counseling your husband I would tell him he deserves better. He should respect himself enough and know that he deserves someone who he can trust with his life and only has a heart for him. I would not decide for him to leave you, but I would support his decision if that is what he wanted to do.
I cannot tell you if you should tell him or not, that is up to you. Just remember you deserve whatever he gives you. If he decides to forgive you and move on, you are one lucky woman. He he hates you and leaves you... can you blame him?
You have a very selfish personality and your husband deserves someone he can rely on. If you really want to save your marriage, I highly recommend you get local professional help. It may take a long time but you owe it to your husband.
I was rough here. More severe than I usually am with my column. You chose to have the affair. You chose to post this issue on a public advice column for anyone to answer. So here's your answer. Figure out if you want to tell him, but you NEED help, especially if contemplating doing it again. And any depression you feel until then, you likely deserve because you have broken a heart, and possibly a life.
]
If you truely love your husband, you will tell him the truth because that's what he deserves. Put yourself in his shoes, wouldn't you want to know the truth about what your partner is doing? Whether or not you will stay together i cannot say, but I know lots of people who have cheated on their partner and worked through it. If you've been married 5 years then maybe you can work past it. But you really need to tell him, you won't feel as guilty and you'll feel better knowing you did the right thing.
<3 Courtney
]
More Questions: |