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I'm ready for a serious relationship. Should I stay or go?
FYI: I am a 20 year-old recent college grad. Both men I am referring to in this question are only slightly older than me and finishing their degrees.
"Joe" and I began dating 2 1/2 years ago. Our relationship was generally good when last summer (1 1/2 years in)he decided that he didn't want a serious girlfriend. Nothing mean or ugly, he was just being honest. I tried all summer to change his mind but finally gave. (We remained close friends.)
After dating around for a little while, I began seeing "Michael". Our relationship was somewhat rocky because we had both come out of relationships and he had been hurt many times before. During this time, Joe began to develop interest in having a relationship. I thought it over and eventually decided to try things again with Joe. (I stayed in close contact with Michael.)
Joe and I have a really easygoing relationship, but he refuses to discuss a more serious commitment. When we discuss it, he says he doesn't see us going in that direction at this point but is always careful to avoid losing me entirely. In the past few months, Michael has attempted to see other people to no avail. He is convinced that I am the only one for him. We have been getting along beatuifully, and Michael has done everything he to prove to me that we belong together. (Both are fully aware of each other and the current status.)
Michael wants me to leave Joe and become engaged to him. (He's even looking at rings.) I am seriously considering this. I love both men very much (in somewhat different ways) and could she myself happily married to either (in 2-5 years). The difference here is that Michael is willing to commit and Joe is not. Both have treated me very well; although Michael is romantic (flowers) while Joe is considerate (fixs my car). Is there any point in continuing to wait for Joe or should I leave him and accept the proposal from Micheal?
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This is no time to make rash decisions, so try a little experiment, if you will. Tell Joe that you really love him, but you need some sort of commitment, and Michael can give that to you. Ask him if he can REALLY see a future with the two of you together. Do some soul searching. Get pen and paper and clear your mind, then let Joe come to your head. Write down thoughts, words, feelings, all that come into your head. Focus on the good. Try to write down exactly how and how much you love him. How much you care. Do the same for Michael. Can they compare? Really, I think it's impossible to be in true love with two people. You may be in love with the idea of Michael and his commitment, his romantic and sensitive side, but are you in love with him? Which person could you not imagine living your life without? If you still find yourself confused, try a serious relationship with Michael. See if Joe steps up to the plate and offeres commitment, reconsider. But really, just search your heart. You will find the answer.
Abby
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I know everyone has basically said "CHOOSE MICHAEL!", but I disagree.
You said Michael has been hurt many times before. Maybe since his last relationship ended, he has been clingy, and already wants to get married to avoid getting hurt again.
I think you should end it with Joe, but that doesn't mean you should marry Michael right away. You should continue to date Michael for another 6 months at least, and see how things go. If he really loves you and you really love him, then you should get married. If you realize that he is just behaving in a way to get you to fall for him, or that he only loves you because you're the only person who hasn't hurt him, then you should not marry Michael. I have my doubts about Michael. Like another columnist said, he sounds too perfect.
In conclusion (and this is my opinion), dump Joe and give Michael 6 months.
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Michael says you are the one for him. Who do YOU feel is "The One" for YOU? If you feel it is Michael, then stop torturing yourself and go to him.
Joe may be a commitment-phobe, but he also may just not be ready for such commitment. If you feel Joe is "The One", then are you willing to wait on him to make that commitment and risk the possibility of him not wanting to?
You are wanting to wait a few years on marriage, so you still have time to decide who is best for you, but if you truly feel Joe doesn't want to make the commitment, and he avoids even talking about it at all costs, then there is no sense wasting your time in a dead-end relationship.
ygs-29/f
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Wow girl.. Your in a situation.
From my opinion.. and my opinion only.. Michael sounds like your match.
Joe sounds like the type of guy who doesn't want to commit.. You've already had a relationship with him before and have now evolved another.. who's to say that he wont break it off again..?
It sounds like to me that you are his comfort zone and he doesn't want to let go because no matter what you'll always take him back. He's taking advantage of you and your love for him.
He is clearly not interested in marrying you or starting a family with you.
Michael on the other hand sounds like he has swept you off your feet and is ready to full on commit himself to you.
As you said you have both come out of relationships so you have that connection already. He sounds perfect for you. He is willing to spend the rest of his life with you because he loves you.
I don't want to choose the right guy for you.. that is totally up to you to decide on, only you know whats right for you and whats not.
But I think the Mr Perfect is clear on this one.
I wish you all the best.. Good luck :)
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Michael...but...Honestly, he sounds too perfect. You've listed negative qualities with Joe, but nothing with Michael, which is a little strange. Joe really doesn't sound that great though. Go with Michael, just be careful.
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Hey. You're really lucky to have two guys that care about you so much although I know that makes the choice much harder. Before you decide anything you need to think about whether you're ready to be married and settle down, and if you want that kind of commitment, or if you want to take things more slowly and wait as you said 2-5 years. It seems to me that Joe is a very sweet guy who cares about you very much, but he just isn't ready to settle down. The problem with waiting is, every guy is different you know? Like some guys may say they aren't ready to settle down yet but then will be months, years later etc. Certain people (and I know a few) date around because they aren't in a hurry to settle down and many of them never will. Michael seems to be in quite a rush to settle down which is good if you like things to move quickly. He seems more like the family oriented guy whereas joe seems to be a guy who would be more geared to his career. It really isn't up to any of us on this site to decide for you, marriage is a huge step and that's not something you want to leap into until you're 100 % sure it's what you want. But, I know you asked for an opinion so heres what I would do if I was in your shoes: I would talk to Joe, tell him that you do love and care about him, but that you just can't gamble your future on whether or not he is ready to settle down. Tell him that as cliche as it is, you really do want to stay friends. As for Michael, keep him ivolved every step of the way. Let him know your decision before you tell Joe, so that he isn't thinking the worst. If you're ready to get married and ONLY if you feel you are totally ready, then accept his proposal because he seems like a really decent guy. If you're not ready for marriage yet but will be soon, tell him you want to stay together and talk it out a little bit more. If it's meant to be, he will wait for you. I know it may seem funny taking advice from a 13 year old, but I know what I'm talking about. Good luck with everything. Follow your heart. ♥ fabulous
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I'm kind of split on this one and I'll tell you why. This is truly MY opinion and I think that in all honesty only YOU can make this decision. It's your life and your future and you don't want to make the wrong one.
Of course, the way you speak about them both one guy stands out and the other, who seems like a good guy and deserving of your love is getting kind of pushed to the back.
You have 3 choices here and I plan to elaborate on each one. I'll go from the simplest to both. I'm going to state what I have gotten from your explanation of both relationships in my answer.
Option 1 - Neither of them. You are unable to decide which means that maybe, although both seem fantastic, neither are right for you. You seem to truly care about them both, but if you really loved one of them wouldn't you be able to choose? Choosing a husband should not always be as simple as "I love him, let's get married". Don't you wish it was that easy. Then again, without that mentality it's hard to choose. There's someone I know who was engaged to a guy, seemed pretty happy, but the closer it got to the wedding the more intesified things got - they broke it off which was actually in the long run good for her; they weren't truly meant to be.
Option 2 - Joe. Joe's a great guy. The two of you have been happy. You can see yourself married to him. The problem with Joe is that he can't see himself married to you. He loves you and doesn't want to marry you, but won't commit. Forcing him to committ would be no good because then he may resent you for forcing him into a marriage he isn't ready for. BUT if he is TRULY the one and only for you, there's nothing you can do but wait. You may have to wait forever and he may never come around, but it wouldn't be fair to Michael to get into a marriage with him when in all honesty you have your heart to Joe and never got it back.
Your 3rd and final option - Michael. The two of you have been dating and getting along beautifully. You said you could see yourself married to him withing the next few years. He treats you romantically and is willing to committ. Sounds like a great guy. BUT are you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE you're ready for marriage with him? Are you sure you're not just wanting to choose him because he claims to know what he wants while Joe is still trying to figure it out? You're looking for a committment and Michael, although he sounds amazing, seems like the easy way out. You say that you love him and could see yourself married to him vice versa, but are you sure he's not a rebound guy for you and vice versa? It wouldn't be fair for either of you to get into a relationship you're not fully ready and willing to get into. If you're sure you love him and don't just want to be with him because Joe isn't sure of himself yet, go for it. But if you're not positive about your love for these guys (which if you're asking here then you're not completely sure) then it wouldn't be fair for anyone, including yourself, to be in a relatinship.
Joe seems awesome, he also is unsure of what he wants. He's young, maybe he just wants to get out in the real world and experience life before settling down. If you were 24 and this was on your mind it would make more sense (to me) to go with Michael because he would seem to know what he wants and you would be older and getting more ready to settle down. Michael seems to know what he wants, which is good, but you guys are young. I know you're saying that you wouldn't get married for another 2-5 years which I think is VERY smart, but maybe it's just strange for Joe to think about marriage this young.
Experience life a bit. I'm sorry, but this is a decision you're going to have to make on your own. This may sound cheesy, but listen to your heart. Does it want you to wait for Joe or keep what you have with Michael.
Is waiting for Joe worth the relationship that may or may not come out of it?
Is Michael REALLY the one for you. Will you be HAPPY with how things turn out if you stay with Michael. Remember, no regrets. You don't want to regret your husband.
Sorry I couldn't just choose Michael or Joe for you, but think about this...
Someone I really care about got married almost a year ago at the end of July. Every time she or someone else brings up her husbands name (even when they were dating and engaged) she gets this look on her face and this huge smile. You can just tell that her love for him is real. Which of these guys makes you look like your love is so real and so untouchable. Which of these guys when brought up in conversation just makes you smile and the thought of them. Not the haha or aww, my boo type of smile, but the Wow, I love him type of smile and feeling?
Think about it and good luck =D
I'm only 16/f, but I know a lot about life and quite a bit about love.
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It really depends on what you want. If you want that commitment than obviously you'd be better off with Michael. If you don't want that right now go with Joe. But if you are really stuck (I'm guessing you are or you wouldn't ask this) then I think you should take into consideration each of them as an individual and not as a guy you love. Think of everything that they love and what they do that makes you happy. Writing them down might be a good way to go about this. Evaluate every little detail of them and then try and come to your own conclusion of which one you want to work with.
In my opinion (just my opinion you don't have to abide by it) Michael is sincere with you on his intentions. I think Joe is sincere also, but not like Michael is. Joe may be wanting to live life a little and see all of his options before he settles down with someone. Michael already sees all of his options and has chosen you. I say respect Michael's wishes to marry someday, but if you aren't ready for marrige than you should tell him. In the long run Michael may be the better one. Joe on the other hand may be letting you live your life longer and so he may be the better one. Once again it comes down to your overall lifestyle. If it was me I would tell Michael that I'm not ready to marry, but that is something you would like later. I would simply tell Joe that I've found someone who is serious about me and I don't want to play a game the rest of my life. (Remember this is just my opinion.)
In conclusion, I think Michael would be the one that could make you happy. He seems determined and focused. To me, Joe sounds like a guy who hasn't quite found what he really loves in life and this could cause you many problems in the future. But if you come down to the decision that you want Joe more, you should tell him how you feel and see if he is ready to commit for you. If not, you still have Michael who really really does love you.
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Now you have to decide what your heart's telling & what your mind's telling you. My guess is -- your mind is telling you to go with the guy who can provice a bright future for you. But your heart is telling you if it's not the same guy you love, then go with the other. Sounds like Joe only wants you because he can't have you. He got jealous when Michael came into the picture, but ignore him. Can you see yourself building a future with a guy who can't even discuss commitment with you? No. Can you see yourself building a future with a guy who is romantic, willing to commit, and respects you? Yes. You can, easily. Go for the gold, don't settle for silver. So tell me... who's the gold and who's the silver? You're gonna have to dig deeper to find out. You can't tell if treasure's underneath the ground unless you dig to find it. Get to know both of them a little better and find out which one makes your heart beat faster. Simple as that.
:)
Much Luck.
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Let me start this out by saying no one on this website can tell you what you want or need.. only you can choose.
Whcih one is going to be tehre for you? Although flowers are sweet, is he willing to do things aroudn the house and take care of you and your family if yo have one?
And even if he does fix things aruon teh huose.. will he be sensative and loving enough for your needs?
These thoughts you need ot be running thruogh yur head.
If you can't choose, don't.
Marriage is not jsut rings and a fun wedding.
But a comitment to spend the rest of your life with a person you hold dear to your heart.
It's not who you can live with either; It's who you can't live without.
Even if Joe is not ready to be commited, mayeb that's good.
Since you need to make sure you MADE teh right choice.
How horrible would it be if you get married with Micheal right away..and find out you can't live without Joe!?
Mayeb you should sit down with Joe, and truley and seriously discuss the chooses he has made..
Maybe Micheal just sees an open oppertunity.
Or maybe, you are using him..for almost.. an "extra" to feel the feelings Joe isn't giving you, because.. you're relationship is not moving as fast as you originaly planned.
think about it.
you need someonewho truley cares for you.
that can support you mentaly.
and is willing to love you till the end of time.
i hope i helped?
if yo uhave any more questions, feel free to ask.
15/f
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micheal! he sounds perfect and exactly what your looking for :)
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Hey, well it seems like Micheal is more of what you want and more of what youre looking for in a relationship. I would just let Joe know that your ONLY looking for a more serious and more commited relationship. Also let him know that if he is not willing to do that, that your going to move on. You shouldnt have to wait forever for someone to decide if there ready for a more serious relationship. As for the proposal, give it serious thought. I wouldnt say yes if you still have STRONG feelings for Joe. Really think this one out. Good luck.
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gurl you can not wait on no man. you have to chooose the person who you willnot wait around for. he might take 5 weeks just to screw in a light bulb.
good luck
tatianna
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I personally think you should go with Michael. He seems to love you a lot and you love him so I don't see the problem. He's ready to commit and it seems like that's what you really need right now.
Joe on the other hand doesn't seem like he will be ready for marriage soon. If you really love Michael, go with him. It seems like Joe just wants to be selfish and keep you to himself, and Michael seems like a genuinely nice guy.
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Good luck!
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if your un sure about marrring micheal, you shouldnt do it.
marriage is a very important commitment, and it isnt something to toy around with. ALthough divorce is an option, marriage is suppose to be a sacred union, much unlike hollywood makes it seem.
unless you are 100% sure you love micheal with all your heart and ther is no one else youd rather see, you shouldnt marry him.
i think you should just remain close to both of them until you are sure of what you want to do.
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