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new stepdaughter
26/f
My boyfriend is 29, we've been dating two years and we're getting married in three months. He has a nine year old daughter in another state. She doesn't know about me. He only visits her once or twice a year because she lives really far away, but he tries to call a lot and always sends money to her mom. I'm just scared because I've read articles about how a lot of kids have a harder time dealing with a parent getting remarried than they do dealing with their parents getting divorced in the first place! What's the right thing to do? I don't want to make her accept me as this new "mom" if she doesn't have to, but I also want to be honest, and I feel like I should get to know her if we're family now. The most important thing is that she's not emotionally traumatized... how can we do that?
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If she doesn't know about you he needs to tell her.
Now not later. She will resent you if you don't, even though dad is the one not saying anything!
Since he only sees her a couple of times a year, getting along probably won't be a major problem for you. Just try to treat her as a friend for the most part and you will do fine.
If you have any way at all to do it, try and encourage more visits or moving closer. I know it would be a pain, but it would mean so much to her
to have dad more a part of her life. :)
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Okay, I know a lot about this.
My dad remarried twice.
The first time I had a hard time accepting my new step 'mom'. It took honestly a few years until I really started to appreciate her, and the things she did. Now if he hardly sees her, technically she is his family, but not so much yours. If you both saw her more, that would be different. Anyways, my point is, I know a lot of step parents, think they have to be "tough" or "strict" on their new step kids. But please dont. Unless you want them to hate you. I dont mean be completely laid back and let them do anything. But I know what really caused friction between my step mom and I, was that she told me what to do, and that in her house it was different. She made me feel super uncomfortable.
She had rules, and in my opinion, you cant expect me to change all my rules that I live by, that my real mom tells me, just for her. You dont have 100% authority of the step child. I'm sure you know that, but use love, and care about her, it just takes time.
I do know what I'm talking about too,
because my dad remarried 3 times now.
Its not great, and just remember,
no matter how you treat your step daughter,
its really up to her, if she wants to accept you,
the more you push the worse it will be,
I'm not saying that you are giong to push her.
But .. its up to the kid, you know?
Good luck,
I wish you all the best,
because I was in this situation
but me being the step kid,
and I know how hard it can/is be.
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well i personally think u shuld go visit her...maybe spend a day with her gettin to know her and her getting to know u. that's the best way...and never turn into the mean step mom..and don't try to be her mom too much. just try to be friends!
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In my opinion you should definitley meet this girl but your boyfriend should tell her about you first and see what her opinion on this marriage is I also think your boyfriend should spend more time with her so she doesn't feel like shes losing him to another women and get to know this girl.
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DON'T SURPRISE HER WITH THE MARRIAGE!! make sure she knows about it, like from now. I cannot tell you how many friends I have had who hated their step-moms because the wedding was a surprise. right now, even though she hardly sees her dad, shes the important girl in her life. and you marrying him will take his attention away from her, or that's how she will see it. so try to get to know her, and be friends with her before being a mom to her. and most importantly make sure to make her feel included. you don't have to try and be a mom to her, she already has a mom. but u can always be a person she can go to for advice..a friend. but also dont let her walk all over you.
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well for one try to spend time with her get to know her and stuff. Do something fun like going shopping or take her some place like to the park of watever. Make her feel comftable around you. It may not be easy thought cause some kids have a hard time dealing with new parents so you and your husband and his daughter or yalls do somthing that a normal fammily would do. try to have fun.
hope i help
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Kids have an easier time accepting a new step-mom than a new step-dad or at least that is the opinion of the psychologists I have known. It is sexist, but they really will see you as their dad's plaything rather than a serious threat. I don't think it is going to be that much of a shock to her, but her dad should be the one to tell her and not hide you, now that you are serious about marriage. If my kid lived in another state, and I was serious about parenting, I would move there. So, my advice is really more about you getting married to this man who is not spending time raising his daughter like a father should. Is this really acceptable to you? Don't make up excuses for him, and get defensive. Just consider all that it could mean for the kind of commitment he will have to you and your future children and if that is going to be enough for you. Good luck with everything. Marriage is a lot of work in the best circumstance, so be prepared beforehand and know that if there is anything you are hoping to change about him, it won't happen...ever. Be very intellectual about it and set emotions aside for a minute. Do what is best for you.
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It has been a few years so she has had a long tme to get over the fact that her parents aren't together anymore. Since she doesn't see her dad that much I don't think that she'll take it as hard as she would if she did. However, she's going to find out sooner or later that he got remarried right? I think it will be much more traumatizing for her to find out that he was ALREADY married to someone new instead of knowing that he was going to get married in advance. Give her at least a little time to adjust! The more the better. Waiting to tell her will only make her feel less important, more alone, and like her father doesn't feel like he needs to share some of the most important things in his life with her. That's not good. That's a worse feeling than knowing he loves a woman other than mom. It's better to let everything out in the open, that way you haven't done anything wrong and she has no one to blame. She may not like it, but she has nobody to blame. If you don't tell her, she will have someone to blame and she'll be even more upset. If she's just upset that he got married again, so be it. That's life and she'll get over it and move on. Let her do that without further complicating the situation.
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hey
so im sort of going through the same thing
except im the daughter
and i have to get to know this new girl
one thing i despise is when she is all over my dad thats just not something i want to see
and since your step daughter doesnt see her dad much you may waant to step back as much as possible
dont make it seem like its all about you
im not saying you would do that but your a threat to her and if you give her something to complain about she will complain treat her normal
shes just a kid not an alien you were her age once just remeber how you wanted to be treated at the age
im sure you will do fine just remeber to be your self kids can see threw some fake act of niceness and superbly sweetness it makes them sick!
she will grow to acept you and become your friend
dony worry
lalagurly
if you need any othr help fel free to ask questions
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Don't try to be her best friend, and don't try to give her rules. If you try to be her best friend, she might see through you. If you give her rules [and try to act as her mother], she'll probably laugh at you & won't follow them.
When you meet her, spend time with her. Get to know her. Take her places. Be honest with her. Don't act like you're her mother.
And don't freak yourself out with those articles. A professional might be writing them, but are they writing for experience, or observation?
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its not going to be easy but you wont know until you meet the girl. Take it easy and at her speed,time. It can work out. Your boyfriend has to tell her.
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