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my best friend died and her troubled teen comes to stay here
After my best friend's death her troubled teen daughter came to stay with my family. Of course there were conditions. Job, school (g.e.d.), no drugs, booze. After just 5 weeks she broke all the rules. Got fired from a job that I helped her get etc....THEN she started an affair with my teen age son. Claiming she's "in love", he works and goes to school. He was being rail roaded. She just dug her claws in deeper. It was getting crazy. I had her leave yesterday. She went to a shelter, I feel grief and relief at the same time. Maybe she should have never came. Maybe (somehow) I should've dealt with it. For at least a week I didn't sleep and eat (lost 6 lbs.). My husband is supportive of my decision but my )OLDER son (29), says I was unfair to her. What do you think, please I need advice !!!
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First of all you are one hell of a person to open your home to someone like that in the first place. There needs to be more people in the world like you. You did what sounds to be everything you could have done to help this lady. Some people are just impossible to help. My mom use to say you can't help someone who won't help themselves.
-Adorkable
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Your first priority is YOUR family. You don't need to deal with a problem child no matter who she belongs to. Yes, she is probably grieving but that is not an excuse for bad behavior. More than likely
she has always been this way and now thinks she can get away with it.
I'm sure your son feels you are being mean because he has some feelings for her. He is 29 and in all honesty should be out on his own. If he feels that strongly let him make a home for her, but you shouldn't have to. You did the right thing. :)
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She's a troubled teen, not Cat Woman, so I doubt she overpowered and seduced your otherwise innocent teen son, unless she is several years older than him...the ages were not specified. Her mom just died...that is going to take a lot longer than five weeks to get over, and if you knew she also had drugs/booze problems, then it should not be a surprise that she would turn to those as well as another teen for comfort. Most likely you made an emotional decision and not a thought out one, when you took her in, and when you kicked her out. This is not about fairness. Life is not fair. Humans are not fair. This is about doing right by your deceased best friend and her daughter, without wronging your own family in the process. Perhaps you wanted to do the right thing, but expected everything including this broken hearted girl to fall easily into place. Now that she has done pretty much what anyone including you could have betted on her doing, you got your moral excuse to kick her back out of your life. Did you lose the weight before or after you kicked her out? Maybe that is your answer.
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well i think u were unfair and need to be a lot more supporitive becasue a teenage daughter just lost her mom.. and the teenage years are extreemly hard on a girl anyway and then she has no mom to talk to her about it with... so i think it would take her a long time to open up but she just lost her mom and you need to be there for her... i know its frusturating that she is with your son.. but maybe u could have talked to them about it.. saying that they can be good friends but since they live in the same house they cant have a relationship... have you ever seen the movie raising helen..... i think you need to watch it.. it might help you understand the girl... maybe get her a psychiatrist... but dont give up
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Well first of all, you have to understand what is bothering her in the first place. If it has anything to do with her mom(your bestfriend) then tell her that you understand what she is going through. Do the same things that her and her mom used to do that they both enjoyed. Making her quit the drugs and the booze cold turkey wasn't such a good idea, it probably made her go through a withdrawal phase and just wasn't herself. So maybe both of you could join a support group about alcohol and drugs. And this whole thing with your son and her- if they really say that it's love then just let it be. Because with you interfering with their relationship, might've sent out a bad vibe, it was as if saying to her "You're not good enough for my son." and that hurt her feelings. Even if they decide to be together isn't that a good thing though? You properly raised your son and you know his morals and values, and he definitely might be a good influence on her. Just be with her, and try to understand what she's going through. She is in a very fragile state of mind right now, just be supportive. Try to show your vunerable side to her, it might make her feel more welcome.
Hope this helps.
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I think in a way you are obligated to try a little harder maybe you took the wrong approach in a situation like this you need more details to make a judgement and even then one side can never be chosen I think when a teenegaer is rebelious like that they need a little extra attention and support before you throe them away and lock them down you need to talk to them especially in a aituation when you aren't they're mother and
I know she is living under your roof don't get me wrong but you got to look at her situation too. Soem times you juist have got to give a little. Please leave me a message with some more info. on the actions you took in certain situations so i can give you some better advice becasue I think that this is a very important situation and I'd love to further help in any way possible.
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look, you layed down the rules and she deliberately disobeyed them. she's going downhill and taking your family with her. im a teenager but i understand more than a normal teenager would. she could hate you for this but a lot of teenagers are filled with hate. the shelter was a great idea for her to stay while you pick yourself up and brush yourself off. you made the right descision. now i suggest that you go visit her and ask her if she wants to stay at the shelter or come home to be with your family again. if she chooses your house then you need to make it absolutely clear that the rules WILL be followed or she will be forced to go back to the shelter. bring your husband for support. also, see if you can get her to see a counselor and try to go with her to the appointments, it shows her your support and i think she has a lot of feelings that are confusing her. good luck.
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While I feel that she should have respected the rules and did cross the line here in a BIG way I think your family made a mistake in abandoning her and sending her to a shelter.
What would your friend think of you for doing this and giving up on her daughter? I doubt she would be pleased. There is also likely a reason why she either entrusted her kid to you or the daughter wanted to be with your family.
Instead of sending her to a shelter to live (which was extremely cruel in my opinion after he mother just died) go and put her in AA or NA for her addictions or alchohol and drug treatment and psychiatric counselling to turn her life around or at the very least therapy.
If you invest time and your love in her she may mature faster into an adult who can take care of herself and make the right choices here and toss out anyone or anything thing that could hold her back.
The girl is also grieving and has lost her mother at a young age and now has nobody. What she did was latch onto your son as he was the only person she could really relate to and felt cared about her or gave a shit about her ultimately.
The drugs, the booze and getting fired were all ways for her to act out and get attention. If you help her get profesional help and lay down the law she will respect you as she now knows you mean business.
.You are the only one who can set her right. Help her get off booze and drugs and get her GED rather than dictate what she must do guide her to the right path.
Go find her at the shelter TONIGHT and bring her back home and be very clear about what the rules are and that you'll help her with her problems but she needs to make an effort too. make her get rid of friends who were a bad influence and steer her onto the right track.
Ask her why she behaved the way she did and how she thinks you can help and secondy how she feels she can help herself?
I think this is exactly what your dead friend wanted in the girl living with you. The kid is in more pain and trouble than you will ever know and being an adult you cannot see what an effect this would have on someone so young. You cannot blame her for being confused and breaking the rules.
Don't give up so easily on her as she may suprise you one day by the kind of adult she matures into with your support and thank you profusely for not throwing in the towel. Everyone else has--don't you do so also. She deserves another shot.
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ok so i have a friend who was a troubled teen and she went to someones house and got kicked out to a shelter. and i hate to break it to you, but you made a bad decision. If shes just a teen then she needs to be nurtured and im not saying you should mother her or anything but if you give it more time and really lay down the law, she could use her knowledge to do great things and become more positive. i just think you should have held on a little longer.
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i think you could of talk to her and say if you are going to stay with me you need to follow my house rules 1.don't mess with me son 2.find a new job if your going to stay 3.get your life together.That what you should tell her and if she don't obey your house rules make her leave again cause you gave her a second chance
hope i help good luck!!!!!
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