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I need advice about a child custody issue.
I really don't even know where to begin. My boyfriend found out two months ago that he was potentially the father of a two year old girl. He took the DNA test and he is the father. We have been together since a couple of months after the child was conceived. I have a 6 year old and we have a ten month old together.
The mother of the little girl was arrested for drug use and the child was put in temporary custody of the grandmother.
My boyfriend wasn't even in a relationship with this girl, it was just a very stupid mistake he made. Now they are trying to get him for back child support, as well as current support and medical bills since she got assistance from the state. Our children currently get medical coverage from the state so I don't see why he should be responsible for this other kids medical bills.
He has wanted to give up his rights to the child since we first found out about it. At first I tried to get him to do the right thing and try and get custody, but the more I think about it the more angry I get. I feel betrayed and hurt about this and it has me very depressed. I am trying to be strong for my children but I don't know what we should do. I love my boyfriend very much but I don't know if I can deal with him having a child with someone else. Just the thought of it makes me want to strangle him. If he had known about this child before I entered into a relationship with him I probably wouldn't ever been with him.
I sometimes think it would be best for him to try for custody for the sake of the child, but at the same time I feel I would have a strong hatred for her. Besides the emotional issues I'm not sure we could financially. I'm so tired of feeling like I am being torn apart inside. I just don't know what to do.
I'm really not a bad person, but I just can't figure out if I should stay with him or just leave. If I stay I don't know what we should do about this whole mess. Should I let him try and sign over his rights to her and just forget about it? He wants our lives the way they were before we found out any of this. I do too, but should we try and get custody of her even though it could ruin our relationship?
I really need some advice first of all to help myself feel better and not be so angry at him and the child(even though I know it isn't her fault, I feel like it is because she was born) Then I need advice about what we should do as a family. I would really appreciate some unbiased advice. Thanks
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Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
Well first of all this is his daughter and regardless of weather or not he was with the mother for awhile or it was just a one night stand means nothing since you didn't get with him until after they were done.
You have a child by a previous boyfriend/husband and he seems like it does not bother him. You didn't fall in love with him because he did not have any children, you feel in love with him because he was right for you. The little girl needs her father and she needs a mother figure. For you to hate her is just not fair to her or her father. She is innocent in all this. She did not ask to be brought into this world and it is his responsibility to step up to the plate and be a father. If you cannot deal with this you need to let him go and find a woman that can support his role as a father.
I think if you two were to spend time with the little girl and you could form a bond with her, you might have a different outlook on it. You owe it to your boyfriend, his daughter and your children to at least try and make this work.
What you should do as a family is to try and make a family including the little girl, she needs you both. Don't deprive her of her father because you are mad at something he did before he met you.
Good luck with this and keep me posted.
Wrain
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please dont blame this innocint child for being born. it wasnt her fault. its was the fault of two addults who werent responsible. your bf made a huge mistake but its a mistake that he will have to pay for the rest of his life. you have 2 kids so you got to know how much a child needs both parents. what you need to do is look at your relationship. do you trust you bf? do you belive that he wont cheat again? is he the man you want to help you raise your children? if you truely love him and decide that you can forgive him help him claim responsibility for his daughter and try to get to know her better. you will reliaze that she is an innocent child who needs all the love she can get wether from a biological mom or a step-mom. you sound like a caring loving and forgiving person. look in your heart and try to build a loving extended family
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You say you wouldn't have gotten together with him if you knew he had a child with someone else. With this statement, you aren't being fair to him since you have a 6 year old with someone other than him.
As for the child support and medical bills- it sucks for you, and it sucks for him since he was unaware of this child, but he has a responsibility to take care of this child. No matter what his financial status is. The state says first comes first. This child is older than the child he has with you, so he must pay support to the 2 year old first. It is weird but it is true. It's just the way the system works.
As for him giving up custody- I hate to say it, but it shows what kind of man he really is if he signs her away. He made this child, she is a permanent part of him. What if something happens between the two of you? Would he refuse to pay your baby the support it is entitled and sign away his parental rights?
I hope that you would consider taking in this little girl. She needs a good loving, supportive family. You have two children and I'm sure you are a good mother to them. Why not open your heart to another child, who needs a good mother? This may be something that brings your family closer together in the long run.
Try not to think of it as something that can ruin your relationship. Try to keep a positive outlook- it will help to make it a positive change rather than something negative. Try to keep in mind that she is your 10 month old baby's sister, and your baby deserves his/her sister in life.
If you feel angry towards this child, try to focus it towards her biological mother, who is obviously a piece of crap. Be angry that she kept this pregnancy from your boyfriend in the first place. She didn't respect him enough to tell him. Be angry that she chose a lifestyle of drugs over her own child. She gave up on that innocent child. Try to keep in mind the little girl is still just a baby; she doesn't deserve your anger, her mother does.
As for being angry with your boyfriend- don't be. It isn't his fault that he wasn't told about the baby. If he knew he surely wouldn't have kept it from you. Again, this is anger you should direct at who deserves it- the piece of crap mother of the little girl.
Please don't let him give up on this baby. Don't let him sign her away. Her mother already threw her away.
I'm sorry my advice may seem biased, but I am always biased towards what is the best thing for children.
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First and foremost, you and your boyfriend should engage in safer sex. Make sure no other children get thrown into this mess you have created for yourselves. Secondly, if your boyfriend fathered this child, he should have to pay child support and reimburse the state for any money paid for his/her welfare. Why should my tax dollars go to take care of people who are irrepsonsibly bringing children into the world? I'm not being judgemental, just realistic. We all make mistakes. I too had a child out of wedlock and was a single mother for 10 years I went to work, sometimes worked two jobs and scraped and saved every penny I could to make sure my child didn't have to go on welfare. It's hard, but definitely worth the sacrifice.
I don't think it's a good idea to bring that child into your home. You seem to have quite a bit of resentment toward the child when you should be angry with your boyfriend. The child is completely innocent here-she didn't ask to be born.
As far as staying in the relationship goes, I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't take care of his children. I think the both of you need to grow up quick, get jobs, get your kids out of the welfare system. You don't want them to grow up thinking this type of lifestyle is acceptable. At the rate our economy is going, it may not even be available for much longer. So wise up and take care of yourself.
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One thing that you will need (or more accurately, that your boyfriend will need) is expert legal advice on this matter. You ain't gonna find that here, so he will need to visit a lawyer. But I'm sure you know that, and I realize it isn't the question you asked anyway. I'm only mentioning it because it may not be possible for him to simply give up his rights and responsibilities. Laws regarding these matters tend to be very complex and often not entirely straightforward.
The decision regarding whether he will terminate his parental rights, try for custody, or find some point in between, is up to your boyfriend. She is his child, not yours. What you must do is decide how you will deal with the decision he makes; that is something that would be best for him to know up front.
The "right" thing to do is not necessarily for him to try and get custody. If I may be so bold, I think it was a mistake for you to encourage him to try for custody when it wasn't what either of you wanted. It seems that you were saying, in effect: "I think you should do what I feel to be the right thing, but I'll despise you for it." Furthermore, I am a firm believer in the idea that, when one has a choice, one should never adopt a child into a household where they will not be loved. It is clear that you will not be able to love this child, and I don't think that's a failing on your part.
Try not to be angry at the child, however. She, like you, didn't ask for this. She made no conscious choice to place herself in this position. She is as much a victim as you are - probably more, since she will have no say in what happens next. You don't have to love her, but hating her will only hurt you and your relationship with your boyfriend and your own children.
Insofar as practical advice, I think that this is a case where the child's best interests will be served by not having a shared custody arrangement. Of course, they are also not served by her staying with her mother. I don't know what kind of job her grandmother will be able to do raising her, but it may at least give her some stability.
Finally, the hard truth: Your boyfriend does indeed have some obligation to the child. The two of you are obviously not wealthy, and I think that a judge would take that into account to a certain extent; after all, what good will it do to turn over all your boyfriend's income to this child if it means that his other child starves? (Unfortunately, your six-year-old doesn't enter into it legally; you'd have to be married for that to even register on the radar). It would probably help the case if he suggested an amount that he would voluntarily contribute, taking into account his own financial position, the fact that he has another child to support, and the fact that the existence of this first child was hidden from him for two years.
You, in turn, have made a commitment to your boyfriend. You aren't married, but you have conceived and decided to raise a child together, and that is morally equivalent. This means that, to a certain extent, you must accept his past and even share some of the burden. If it helps, remember that he didn't betray you; the child was conceived before you were together, and born without his knowledge. He probably would have been truthful with you had he known the truth himself.
In terms of practical advice, your first step needs to be a lawyer's office. Find out what his options are so you at least know what you CAN do. Also, take what steps you can to increase your household income, because whatever happens, it's going to be expensive.
To heal your anger is going to take time; there is no way to sweep it under the rug. It might help if you got the chance to meet the child; perhaps you will be able to see for yourself that none of this could possibly be her fault, and then you can at least let go of that.
Best of luck to you.
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hey, well i would sit down with your boyfriend and have a long talk with him. like you said before it was a mistake he made in his life. try to think about that when your talking to him. if i were you guys i would take the child in. since she is only two, shes young enough to let you be the mother figure in her life. also since shes only two, thats young enough to let your kids get used to having her around. if you didnt want to take her in, i would at least make sure that she has visitations with her father. all kids deserve to see and know their real blood parents, unless they have issues with drugs like her mother does. i hope all goes well for you and your boyfriend.
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Legally, it doesn't matter to the state if he can afford it or not. He has been proven to be the father and has responsibility weather he likes it or not. I don't know what signing away his rights would do for him.
If you can allow yourself to see the whole thing as not being the fault of this child then I think you should seek custody of her and try to give her a good home with your children. Would you honestly be able to respect a guy who could just give up rights to his child weather he knew about her or not? I don't think I could.
As you began your letter saying, it was a mistake. He has been in a relationship with you for a while
so try and accept the fact that it was just that and move on from there.
She is 2. She is young enough to accept you as a mother figure without much trauma to her. Your kids will probably love her and you will learn to love her too.
It doesn't have to ruin your relationship. He must have accepted your 6 year old even though it is not his, and I apologize for calling your child an it...but you didn't mention boy or girl. :) I think you can do the same for this child of his.
It will take adjustment for you both. Not knowing
he even had a child has got to be a little hard on him too. Just signing over rights though won't put things back the way they were. You both know about her now and won't be able to just forget.
So, if there is any way at all you think you can get past all the stuff that is really not important anymore. I think you should really try and make room in your hearts and home for this little girl.
Good luck with everything, it will work out.
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Take the child in. No child should ever have to go through a day not knowing either of their biological parents.
It is selfish for you to not want to take the child in because of issues with the child's biological mother, or even with your boyfriend.
I don't understand why you have such a problem with him having this other child since it happened before you two were together. Regardless, everyone deserves a second chance. If there are other reasons to break up, then I don't know.
I'm only fifteen, so I'm sorry if this doesn't help much. I wish you all the best, and I hope that this turns out for the better. :)
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