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my dad has no faith in me
My dad made me cry my eyes out today. This is what happened.
Well last August I was asked by my cousin to be a bridesmaid for her wedding in April of this year. I said yes, and at the time was unemployed. Well I have a job now at a really good company. But I'm still on a 3 month probation. My grandma (who is paying for the wedding) was expecting me to take 3 days off on a weekend this Febuary just for a dress fitting!! She lives 6 hours away, and I would have had to take the greyhound bus. I told my dad this and he started screaming at me, saying that I was going to lose my job over this. I have a mental illness, and this is the first job I've had in 5 years. He said I would never get another job again and that he wanted me to drop out of the wedding, and that the job was too important. Well I started to cry because I really want to be a bridesmaid but also don't want to lose my job. I asked him if he could phone grandma and make some sort of comprimise, like maybe get the dress fitted her. Then he said "the fact that you're crying shows how delicate you are". He was really mean about the whole thing.
I still want to be in the wedding. I talked to my grandma and she is going to send up the fabric for me to get a local seamstress to make the dress so I won't have to take time off work until the wedding. But I'm still really upset at my dad. How should I act around him? And does anyone else think what he said was out of line?
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I understand that you have hurt feelings over HOW your dad reacted. In all fairness to you both, I want to tell you that a parent has a tough job. They want to love and protect you...BUT...they need for you to gain the skills that you need to be successful in life. It is called "tough love" for a reason. It feels like your parent(s) are being tough on you.
He wants for you to be able to distinguish in life the importance of holding down a job and being reliable and dependable by your employer. If you cannot do this, then they will find someone else to do the job. The world is a competitive place, looking for the best. Your grandmother made a wise decision in sending you the material to have a local seamstress make the dress for you to keep you from missing work.
Your father was tough on you, because if you do not become independent, mental illness/condition or not, then he or the government will end up supporting you one day and that is simply not right. Be mature and accept responsibility. Tell your dad, "Thanks" for taking time to steer you in the right direction and ask him to continue to support you. He may respond with surprise, but he will definitely respect you and view you as a young adult. Make your gender proud of you and be a strong, young woman. Good luck to you!
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Yes, it was out of line but I understand that he is a little excited about you getting your first job in 5 years and stuff like that. He doesn't want to see you get unemplyed and not get another job that pays as good. That's probably all he is saying. However, it's your life and you have choices and decisions. I know you may like your job but your cousin's wedding (in my oppinion) is more important. You seem adult enough to make your own decisions for yourself. It's not your dad's life. Ask your grandma if you could take 1 or 2 days instead of 3 but explain to her that you like your job and too much time off work could result in unemplyment. That's a very important concept and your grandma should understand, if she's an understandable type person.
How should you act around him? Act tough like you know what you're doing but make sure you really do because then, it won't be hard to do, right? You need to show him that he didn't have an impact on you and you are going to make your decision. It's not up to people on Advicenators to decide whether you should risk getting fired or missing the wedding. It's up to you, not anyone else but YOU! I suggest you consider telling your grandma that your job is important and a dress isn't AS important... it's important but notAS important as losing your job and you don't want to lose your job over a dress fitting. Just tell her... she should listen and if she doesn't, don't even care because she needs to understand as your family member that your job makes a HUGE impact but it's just a dress... you're gonna wear it to the wedding and when you get home, you're gonna take it off and stuff it in your closet until someone else gets married but you're probably gonna get a new dress anyway! :-) Don't worry about it!
-Kayla
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Your dad was some what out of line. Even though you got a job your employer would work with you and help you out if you asked. You could find another job don't let him tell you that. If your grandma is sending you the fabric that's nice because they still want you in the wedding and will help you. talk to your dad and tell him that you want to be in the wedding and hope that he'll understand that.Plus you could talk to your boss and let him now ahead of time that you'll be taking some time off in april for a wedding and give him the dates so he can set the schedule for when your gone. That will help you keep your job. hope I helped.
am
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I think you were put into a delicate situation, and nevermind anything about your mental health. Being a new job is always a little uncertain, and no one would want to take a big chunk of time off.
If you had needed to take the time off, you could simply have asked your boss - adding that you would respect whatever she/he said. There's nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like you figured out a very good compromise with arranging a fitting closer to your home.
You may need to confront your father. He is probably being protective and feeling that he is looking after your best interests, but you can let him know you don't appreciate painful words or yelling. I would wait to approach him until you felt a little less raw about the whole thing.
You can also point out that tears aren't a sign of delicacy, they are a sign of a human being who is frustated. You did well standing up for yourself, finding a compromise, and sorting out this messy situation. That's something to be proud of, and you can also point that out to your father.
Parents can be overbearing and think they always know what is best for their children, but if you approach him in a calm and adult manner and say you want to have a conversation about how you feel, he should respect that.
Best of luck.
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I think your father's concern was mainly about your future as it is your first job for five years as all parents are when their brood is growing up, that is why he went over the top which I agree with you was not right but you must realise parents have tantrums as well.
Try not to be hard on him and approach your new firm and request the time off as the arrangement fot the wedding happened long before you were employed by them, i am sure you will get a sympathetic hearing
Moggie
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I think you need to point out to your dad that you are not delicate.
You handled the situation very well. You called grandma and got it worked out just fine.
Your job is probably very important for your self esteem. Dad knows that and flew into a panic.
You, on the other hand got upset and then did something about it. Very good move on your part.
I don't think it is necessary for you to get into an argument with dad about his being out of line. I think he will realize this all on his own. No sense rubbing it in. Just be proud of the fact that you handled it well on your own. :)
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He shouldn't have gotten upset with you so quickly. He had every right to be concerned about your job but he did go about it the wrong way, and if anything, the crying comment was just completely out of line. He doesn't sound very easy to talk to ... my dad used to yell at me and then I'd start crying and he'd yell at me more for crying...and reasoning with him just didn't work.
Maybe try to catch him during a calmer time and say, "If I'm delicate, then my feelings should be handled all the more carefully." It might really piss him off, but don't let him manipulate you and stand your ground. He's going to yell either way, right? Might as well say what you feel and get yelled at rather than voice no opinion and get yelled at. It will take some practice to not cry in these arguments but the closer you bring yourself to not crying the more he'll realize that he's messing up because he can't get ot you like he used to.
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