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No where to turn?
I am 41 year old male, at 18 I married my best friends sister who had been date raped at 16 (not by me) and was pregnant. I married her and raised the child as my own. We took in 2 foster children that we later adopted because she could not have any more. Although I was never in romantic love with her we had a good life and wonderful family. 5 years ago she had to have a hysterectomy and died for several minuets they revived her but she has never came back to "herself" I am now more of her caretaker. There is no sex, romance or even adult discussion. I can't leave her nor want to for the fact it wouldnt be right to leave her because of an illness that is not her fault.
I try to release my stress in the gym and other ways and have developed a very good physical appearance and have many friends, but Im so very lonley. I am afraid to have an affair, it wouldnt be right to either woman, but I so long for the touch, caress and conversation with a woman. I dont know where to turn. Whats your Advice?
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Dear no where to turn,
Sorry this is getting to you 10 months after you asked the question. I read the other answers and you really shouldn't listen to Jo Jo(or whatever their name was).
You did a very honorable thing when you were 18 and seem to be still doing so. Beware, I am going to take comments from for post to get my points across, ok.
You said, " I am now more of her caretaker "
I take this to mean she cannot do things for herself like eating and drinking.
"There is no sex, romance or even adult discussion" She seems to be nearly a vegetable.
No adult conversation must be hard for you. Longing for the touch of a woman is natural, and wanting conversation, I don't blame you there. You are afraid of hurting your wife and another woman by having an affair. This means you are afraid that you will fall in love with the other woman or vise versa, right. I know this may sound way out in left field but one word comes to mind, ESCORT. Just hear me out.
Yes the gym is a bit cheaper, but an Escort is much more fun and satisfying. An escort has everything you are looking for. It's descrete with no commitment, there's conversation and the touch of woman. You should not feel guilty about having sex with another woman if your wife is as brain damaged as you say she is. I would however keep your sex life secret from anyone else in the family. (like the kids)
Please forgive me if this not something you would consider doing. I just thought that I could help you out by suggesting something that doesn't require you leaving your wife, and doesn't require having an affair. Yet will still allow you to enjoy the touch and company of a woman. If you want intelligent conversation, make sure you ask for a woman with an IQ.
If you need more advice or just want someone to chat with I am here. Feel free to e-mail me genericaddress@peoplepc.com :)
Good Luck I wish you the best.
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
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Turn to your wife. What would she want you to do? You're still a young man and i'm sure she loves you very much and she knows how much you love her. Ask yourself, if the shoe were on the other foot what would you want for her? There in lies your answer. You can continue to take care of her, there are so many options out there. The hard part is finding your balance, but you will. Think of conversations you had with your wife, you'll find your way.
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Well you could always get a grl as a friend and talk with her, as long as you dont affair with tha woman friend. Also maybe try to see if you wife still has some tuch and tuff of feeling the way you do about love. But if you need to talk witha woman, look for a friend.
only 14 but H.i.H. :)
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The hardest thing to cope with is whether or not by being with her is this the end for you in an intimate matter. The question is do you still love her? Because if you do then to be able to capture that passion and intimacy back you need to help her overcome the obstacles that have gotter her to this point. What I meanis that this woman has been through a lot in her life yet she has not been able to cope with the situations that have happened. For instance, when she was raped you might have been there for her and maybe her family too, but where there anyone there who really understood what she had gone through? Also with this hysterectomy and nearly took her life, how well do you know about someone coping with death. You don't because these are things that didn't happen to any of us who are trying to understand this. You need to find people that this has happened to and have been able to overcome the obstacles so she can heal herself and want to have you as a husband as well as a lover. If this woman is worth it all, then help her heal herself at the same time healing yourself.
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WOW! ok im sorry but you MARRIED her you didnt just date her for all these years but you MARRIED her you put a ring on her finger and said "for better or worse in SICKNESS and in health" so saying how you miss the touch of a woman is just so horrible, your wife died for minutes and just because she isnt yourself and just because you arent getting any ass from her .. which is exactly how you made it sound like all you wanted was ass not to make love to your wife but just a one night stand or a fuck partner .. this doesnt mean that you need to think of leaving her and the thought of an affair should NEVER i repeat NEVER of crosses your mind. Im sorry but you are a disgrace to all men out there, your wife is sick and all you can think about is how YOU arent getting ass from anyone?! that is so horrible seriously you need to re-think everything and if you never truly loved her then you are an idiot for staying with her. Why dont you ask you wife is she loves you or cares for you? because i may be 17 but i know the diffrence ive had the same boyfriend no cheating for 4 years now and the thought of cheating has NEVER crossed my ming and you are 41 and you STILL have the thought of having an AFFAIR not cheating on a girlfriend but having an AFFAIR on a WIFE that is horrible
if anything you need to go to church and talk to a pastor so he can tell you that ADULTRY IS A SIN AND YOU SWORE TO GOD WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED THAT YOU WOULD NOT CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE AND YOU WOULD BE THERE IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH!
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Wow, that was a really great thing for you to do.
I can understand that it must be hard, for BOTH of you.
Is there anyone you can call on to take care of her for a wekk or two while you take some time out on your own. I don't mean a trial separation as by the sounds of it this is not what you want, just some time out for you to get your head together and figure out what it is that YOU want out of life.
If you don't have sex, have lost the romance and don't even talk it seems to me that your relationship is pretty much on the slippery slope.
Do you think that you would be able to revive you relationship if you both put your all into it?
You haven't said how old your children are now?
What kind of effect do you think you and your partners current situation is having on them, I much preferred my parents after they split up as they were miserable together!!
I do agree that an affair is definitely not an option, as you said it would not be fair on either woman - or yourself!
I cannot tell you what to do. You must make the decision for yourself. It is your life and only you can change it.
I hope you make the decision that is best for all of you and if you ever need to talk then you can mail me.
Take care
Melanie
D'oh my e-mail is MelanieHarvey81@hotmail.com
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I really do not mean to be rude by saying this but, you married this woman and it was a most honorable thing, too. You also need to think of what your wife wold do if this happened to you. Would she leave you to take care of the kids? Or, would she stay and take care of you til you or her died. I'm not saying leave her, and I'm not saying stay, but it is a good thing to put in perspective.
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Woah, well it sounds to me like you're doing a very good thing. If your wife just can't go back to the way she was, then maybe it's time you move on from her in that way. I don't think you could be persecuted for wanting an intimate relationship with a woman, it's only natural. You've been a good husband, just keep in mind if you do decide to "have an affair," then just keep in mind of theother feelings you could get for the woman you get involved with. You may not want a divorce but it might be the best thing. Just becuase you get a divorce from her, doesn't mean that you can't still be there for her, and support her. That all would be your choice. If you decide to keep staying with your wife for now and nobody else, your feelings of needing to be with a woman I believe will eventually grow strong, and you won'tbe able to stop it. Whatever your decision good luck, and I hope things work out for you in whatever you decide. Your wife is in my prayers.
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If I were in your bind I would find another partner. Possibly even divorce your wife but not leave her; I think it's very good of your to continue taking care of her but it's not fair to you. You seem to have a led a good life but it's obvious you need more for you.
MY opinion is that you've been taking care of others for way too long and have been neglecting yourself. We're all human. I think you should finally concentrate on your needs and wants and do whatever you have to do to accomplish that. I really really hope I helped, you seem like a good guy. I hope you find happiness. Good luck.
PEACE
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Well I would go to a therapist. And not leave and get out of this. But divorce her and still take care of her. Im sure you would still have the same feelings for her but you can't hold yourself back no matter how hard that may sound but its true. Now we all will keep your wife in our prayers but you are trying very hard and its just not working out. So you need to talk to someone professional and get help with someone that can actually communicate with you in person and will help you. Good luck-trix
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The gym is a great way to relieve stress, so is keeping a positive outlook on what may come of caring for this woman, seek support for this, like a councelor or someone close to you. This is a critical time for her right now, and she needs someone to be by her side the whole time, and needs love and support to get back to herself. You are pretty much one of the people she looks up to, especially if you helped her raise this child, stick by her side and you will have no problems.
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Wow you are in a VERY tough situation. Its great of you to be sticking by this woman in her time of need, and shows how much you love her. If she truly never recovers, you may want to find another partner. Don't consider yourself having an affair, just think that you have lost your partner and you are going for a new one. With all respect to your wife, its your life too - and you should be happy. Try to find someone to take care of you wife. BUT, if you love your wife too much, find joy in raising your kids and being there for you wife. The choice is all up to you but either way it will turn out fine its all in the way you think it through. Good luck, and if you need any more help you know where my inbox is. =)
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