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advice on love and moving on completely
well i been heartbroken over this guy named josiah for 4-5 years, we were close and almost dated. he led me on and used me til didnt need me anymore, and is my first love, kiss who lost virginity to etc. we ent from talking alot flirting etc to all sudden it stopped. idk why still, and foundout from someone that is married now. i tried sending a friend request on facebook, playing it off as dont have these feelings still, but denied request but didnt block. want talk to him so badly, as did have a miscarriage of his child and never griefed properly as kept it from my family cause they lecture me about having feelings for him tho thats not something i can help , tried everything i could think of to move on, and now in a relationship with lance, who treats me like queen do care for just not as much as do josiah. he knows had thing for him in past, as told him how he hurted me badly emotionally dont think it was intentional tho cuase he's best guy i ever knew before lance. what should i do? and want make my current relationship work though im just settling for lance since cannot have josiah like we were...
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It's hard to move on. It seems like you didn't get much closure from Josiah, and were not allowed to grieve the end of your relationship and properly process the fact that he had moved on. I'm sure your man now is wonderful and will continue to prove that he wants to be with you. I had a situation similar to that with a guy named Austin, but I've long since forgotten about him (which I thought could NEVER happen) and found happiness with my now-fiancé. I think you're best trying to invest in your current relationship and to find closure within yourself instead of waiting for Josiah to give it to you. Best of luck!!
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You need to break things off with Lance because you're still hung up over another guy. Even though it may hurt to be alone for awhile, it's just not fair to him. You wouldn't be happy if he was just settling for you and he still had feelings for another girl that he can't have.
So first, end things with the guy you're with.
Second, don't try to reach out to Josiah. He denied your Facebook request and he is married. He has moved on.
Third, I'd suggest grieving properly. First, grieving over your past relationship. It's still a loss and you do need to go through the stages of grief. And then second, grieving over the loss of your child.
I'd suggest therapy. It would help you move on and grieve both of your losses.
Take of yourself right now. When relationships end, it's one of the best times to start focusing on yourself. Do things you've been wanting to do. Work out, get that body you've always wanted, eat properly, spoil yourself. Take a class and learn something new.
Better yourself and you'll realize who you deserve and who deserves you.
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good new is this problem will solve itself.
bad new is it will hurt a lot till it does.
You don't have anyway to contact Josiah and as long as you stay away from him and pursue other interest your feeling for him will slowly fade. Dont try to contact him on Facebook can take several years but it will get better.
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I don't think Lance is the one who will bring you past Josiah. Having such strong lingering feelings for Josiah yet trying to fill the void with Lance is really not fair to either one of you. I understand it's a painful and very difficult situation but to drag someone else through this just isn't right. Knowing how much you are hurting I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt someone else. Okay, I'm wondering if Josiah's wife has access to his FB account and that's why he wasn't able to accept your request. But I also think the reason you were not blocked is either because his wife wants to keep an eye on you and see what's going on in your life or he is still interested in what's going on in your life. You said that you just heard he was married I'm wondering if he might also have a child on the way. Let's look past all this for your own sanity. You deserve happiness and a relationship with someone you genuinely love and who loves you as well. You need to let Lance move on and open your heart up to other options. Perhaps some time as a single person just enjoying life with your friends would be the best thing right now. Let your heart mend so you can give another person a fair chance at true love with you. You'll never get to that point if you continue to worry about your ex. I promise you the time will come where the right man will sweep you off your feet and make you forget all about "what's his name again". You'll even laugh at yourself and the time you wasted. I wonder if it's even more about the chase. I know in my own past experiences I just knew for certainty I was so in love with someone. However, as soon as I "got the guy" my feelings quickly left. I learned a lot about myself when I was younger that I enjoyed the chase or challenge of it all. I wasn't doing it or feeling this way purposefully but subconsciously I suppose. You may be the same way and not even realize it.
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Im so sorry for your loss and heartbreak. Im not sure on how to answer this because of your grief and sadness I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling. I think you just never felt the closure with Josiah to move on. Your first love is always hard to get over. I dated someone for 5 years and I could not handle the break up. I lost my virginity to him too. He probably deleted your friend request knowing he has moved on and probably doesn't want to reopen a chapter that is closed. He has moved on and is married. I know its hard but you should be happy for him. If he is happy you should be too. Everyone has a right to feel happy. You cannot help who you like and its hard. I suggest to go see counseling because it seems like you have a lot that you are holding in and I am not a professional to help. Every love is different. If you don't see anything going on with this new guy Lance you can't be stringing him along. Josiah will always have a piece of your heart but I don't think its meant to be. Just work on yourself and get through day by day. It will hurt less, time heals everything. I wish nothing but the best for you xoxo
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First off, I know what it's like to have a first love haunt you for years. You keep thinking about the good memories, the plans you had and your good experiences. Those are good to remember.. But you must also think about all the bad times.. the times he made you feel crappy. Or the times he didn't treat you very well. The times he made you feel like you weren't worth it. And then you can look back on your relationship correctly. It is true that you will always remember your first love. But at some point we all have to come to realizing that sometimes first, second, orthird loves just don't work. It is not based on anything you or he/she may have done, other than it's just not meant to be.
I think Lance is a great catch! And it's not that your settling. Because your not. It could be that you need to heal your past wounds first. If Lance makes u have butterlies in your stomach; And if you get excited to talk to Lance or see him than that's a great sign! But you may be feeling not ready to put yourself 100% into the relationship then maybe work yourself a bit..
I found a program online that has helped me several times. Its called healmybrokenheart.com. I have never paid for the service but have used the online resources/materials and email subscriptions. I recommend you trying it out.
And just remember.. It does get easier. And you can Be happy. You are worth it.
Jasmine**
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first I will attempt to explain why you are still feeling so strongly for him. I read the very best explanation ever in the following book: What Men Say, What Women Hear
By Dr. Linda Papadopoulos
Don't get the wrong impression and think I am comparing her words to your guy as having been only after you for sex. this is about how women react in a relationship where there has been sex. Heres what Linda says:
Women want to experience a certain emotional closeness before sex, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.
And now I will share what I have discovered myself, that where my thoughts go, there follows my emotions. I am grandma age, been around long enough to experience this my entire life. Heres examples to explain what I mean. If you were told to start crying sadly, without any thoughts to pave the way, you would find it extremely difficult to cry at the drop of a hat. Now think of getting involved watching a movie and someone has just watched their pet dying and you feel it the way the character does, your mind is stuck thinking of just the movie story and so at a sad part you cry. If its something like a person picking on/bullying a kid, you get angry at the bully. These emotions feel very real and they are. I can feel anger rising like a tide in my chest and my heart beating faster as adrenaline rises too. Of course, watching something happy or funny, we smile or laugh. So rather than just waiting another 5 yrs hoping time alone will help, a better strategy would be to watch what you are thinking. The moment thoughts of him pop into your mind, don't start dwelling on them but mentally talk to your mind and say, these thoughts don't belong here anymore. He has moved on and I need to also so every time you start to think of him, I will stop you and tell you not to until you get the message and stop going back to thoughts of him. You would be actually speaking to your subconscious mind and it can be retrained. Its like another part of you in a separate entity so I wants you to be happy but too often our subconscious is more like a naive young child, no matter how old you are. And my subconscious has tried to go on giving me what I once did like cus everything was going good. In your case, your subconscious is assuming that you want to continue to think about him even though by now you realze its over. Its almost as if ones subconscious has a job of doing whatever it can to please you. It assumes that what you think about most is really what you want and want to think about. This is bad when what one dwells on is bad stuff, like accidents, dying early, losing your job.
If you apply yourself in capturing and dismissing thoughts of him, you won't forget him but the pain associated with not being his partner will go away. Keep in mind that at first, a thought you want to get rid of sometimes comes once a minute rather than once an hour. So at first it can be very tiring to be constantly chasing away there thoughts. I had to do the same once myself and was astounded with how often I received thoughts that I did not want to be dwelling on. But after two or three days of constantly getting these thoughts so I barely could get anything else done, it began to get better like maybe only 3 times in an hour, later once a week and so on. What is normal is that once you've stopped thinking of him, an occasional memory will come to you triggered by perhaps a song or a place that reminds you of him. This should carry no pain with it. Whenever you remember him at times like this in the future, it doesn't mean you must get in touch and make a connection on Facebook or elsewhere. All you need to do is pray that all is going well for him in his life, then change your focus and go on with your life. I know it doesn't sound like something as simple as this can work, but I am living proof that it does. As for losing a child in miscarriage, there is a proper role of steps to going through grieving successfully where you come out at the other end, no longer grieving. However, since each step is painful in its own way, people do sometimes stop at one spot and never get over their grieving. Here, stopping any thoughts is not the answer. Parts of grieving that are normal may not sound good like wanting to place blame but it is a crucial part and all must successfully be gone through before a person can go on with their life. So if you think that grieving a child, even if you were totally unprepared to be a mom anyway, doesn't change the fact you can grieve. You might check out a grievance counselor if you believe this to still be an issue after you have dealt with your thoughts of Josiah.
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First loves can take a long time to get over. Don't try to contact him and just live your life without him. the feeling will fade eventually. It may take couple more years.
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It's been something you haven't been able to let go of for a long time even though he's become married to someone else. He sees you as the past and doesn't have any interest. He ignored your Facebook request hoping you would move along. He likely won't talk to you again
While it's not wrong to reach out to people it is if it's been this long, you know they are married and trying to tell yourself it wasn't because you still have feelings, You need to see a therapist because this isn't normal behavior at this point. Most people can move past this quickly but for years you have held on to this whereas you are a distant memory to him. For some reason you think you still have a chance or can pick up some form of relationship from him, Be honest..
I don't know what you think will happen if you try talking to this person either.. Why must you so badly? You're in a relationship now and bound to end up hurting yourself and the other person if you allow your past relationship and these feelings to invade your present.
You need to talk with a therapist and work through all of these issues and how you feel about your current relationship because the other person has moved on and you are to have been expected to by now.
You can't make this person come back to you, love you or make it the way it once was expecially if he is married and has moved on in life. That's not reality and nothing would give you that. There's nothing you can do to change this fact. I think that's what you are unable to grasp and it is a problem.
The guy was hoping you would move on and didn't block you out of being nice and or wanted to monitor what you were doing in trying to reach him and motivation why. You didn't do anything inappropriate or abusive yet so blocking you wasn't necessary unless you wouldn't leave him alone. But yes, you have to chuck these feelings for him and learn how to finally move forward. If you can't do it alone therapy will help.
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Your age is very important because if your young you need time to grow , just like he's doing , experience life , and learn from your mistakes
I don't suggest making the first move to get back with him , remember guys want want they can't have , no you can play that out for a long time ,use it to your total advantage , be smart .
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Why ponder over a married guy? why ponder over a cheater? You are lucky to presently have someone who treats you like a queen. He is the right one.
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Wake up! Allow yourself to prefer Lance's acceptance to Josiah's rejection, instead of pining. Do something nice for Lance. When you have grown stronger, then revisit your problem.
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