|
How can I forget about him?
So I pretty much want to forget about my dad he hurt me a lot and I even searched the internet for help but nothing helped me My dad was abusive and he cheated on my mom a lot. He also sexually assaulted me when I was little. Pretty much my mother had me at a young age around 15. And my 'father' was fine and all as I can recall. But when my mother left to work he would bring me with him and he would pick up a woman and bring them over to our house and well you know have sex with them. What was worse is that I had to be in the room with them when they were doing that, I remember when he did that and he turned all the lights off cuz u suppose he didn't want me to see I dont know and when he did I would cry silenty. He left me when I was 5 and I never knew he was abusive towards my mother till the day he hit her in front of me and my brother and I tried defending her and when she called the police he left and I heard he is in mexico now I always try forgetting him but its hard and he pretty much affected my life. Please give me some advice......
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
Forgetting someone needs will power. There is no magic potion for this purpose. There are two things which you can do at present.
1. If you have a fire burning inside you, against your dad, fight against him and put him behind the bars.. sometimes, this is the only way, you can get mental peace.
2. Else, think he is dead. In others words,think about other things. Immerse yourself in your work/ studies and one day, you will see the pangs of pain has diminished by the healing power of time. Try engaging in some yoga classes. It has miraculous powers for self healing.
]
I am so sorry for your experiences growing up. It is unfair that you had to experience such tragedies. I would advise maybe talking to a counselor. They have ways to help talk you through your past and making you excited for the future.
I believe that medical therapy would help in this situation. Best of luck :)
]
I am SO sorry to hear this. This is extremely sad and no one should ever be put in this situation. The good thing is he isnt around you now so you don't need to see him every day and be reminded of the pain you feel. I think you should go to a counselor and they can help you get rid of the pain and talk it out. I go to one it helps. Its something that happened a very long time ago and you have to be strong and think to yourself you were very young and you overcame this. Your never just going to forget him. But in therapy they could help you with the ways to overcome your thought process and ways to cope. I wish i could be more of help, i have never gone through this before or know anyone who has. Just know therapy is very normal and just think you did nothing wrong. Your mother is a very strong woman and so are you.
]
Hi Howcani,
Time will probably be a key part of forgetting about someone who hurt you, and keeping away from them.
You should try to identify how he may have affected your life, and situations that may trigger memories of him. You’ll need to work towards writing over those situations with better memories, so that everyday life situations don’t stress you out unexpectedly.
Please be mindful; Although you may see reliving things and trying to get other them by repeating them as a way of temporarily forgetting about how someone else hurt you, it’s ultimately not a productive way to deal with your hurt. Hurt feelings don’t pass from one person to another, they spread. Work on healing yourself by understanding what makes you happy within yourself, rather than propagating your feeling.
You may find yourself thinking about situations at night, your heart racing, your head gets hot, and you can’t sleep. Get an ice-cube to cool yourself down, and think about SOMETHING ELSE. You can’t change the past, but you can change your present moment, to not let the past continue to affect you and make you lose sleep or feel stressed.
I would strongly recommend talking to a professional psychologist (no, they’re not only for crazy people). If you’re still attending school or university, there are probably services available to you at little cost.
Knowing a little more about you, such as your current age, and gender would be helpful in answering your question. Please try to include more information about yourself in future questions.
Wishing you the best
-Silentone
]
Hello. I think something like what you have been through is not easy to work past especially when you try and do so by yourself and trying to forget about it in the hopes that it will just go away is not going to be a good way to try help yourself either because unfortunately it will not just go away, as you have probably already noticed.
At this point I think the best thing you can probably do is try and see a counsellor who you will be able to talk to and who will be able to help you. I think this is the best thing you can do for yourself.
]
I am so sorry you went through this.
I'm not sure if it's possible for you to completely forget about your Dad or if it's even healthy because the events connected to him are a part of your life. However you need to try to move on from this. It's possible you are looping these events in your head looking for answers when some of them you already have. None of this is your fault. Not in ANY way. There was nothing you could do to prevent this.
Keep telling yourself this. This is the truth. Bad things happen but don't let this define who you are or what you are meant to do in your life. a
You are going to feel pain and when you do cry or get upset.
You have to deal with all of your pain from this in order to move on. Will you ever forget? no but you will start to heal.
That's where you need to start. If there is someone you can talk to let it all out. If you are spiritual pray and start to notice the happier side to your life and be grateful for it.
This is a lot. I'm it trying to make this sound easy. This will take time and you need to allow yourself this time to heal.
Start with dealing with the emotions that are connected to
this. It doesn't mean that you should halt your life but it's ok to take some time to reflect on it. It's better to deal with it now than to bury it. Burying is only temporary and it will come back just as intense where if you deal with this now the memory or pain from it won't be as intense and he won't come into your mind as much .
I'm so sorry again. No child should experience what you have and are going through . It will get easier as long as you give yourself time to get through this.
Wishing you all the best xx
]
What you went through is traumatizing and you are stronger than you think, but don't put pressure on yourself to forget it right away - it's not that simple. That's the thing about trauma, even though it makes you feel horrible, in the longer-term you become stronger and less vulnerable. That's looking at the bright side of things. You should talk to someone if you need closure, maybe someone in your family who can answer any questions you may have. What you go through only makes you stronger in the end. Try talking about it, maybe you could make a blog and write about to express yourself - it's really good for seeking closure. Don't pressure yourself to get over this quickly, no-one went through something like that and got over it quickly. At some point you have to stop being the victim and start using that experience to make yourself better and stronger. I know it's a typical thing to advise therapy, but you never know, it could help. Getting your feelings out can help you to deal with your feelings and what you went through - the first step is acceptance. You've done so well to come here and tell your story and ask for help, that's a really difficult thing to do, and I hope you get your answer. Take charge of your own life and don't let him get in your way, work towards feeling better about the situation. It'll be okay in the end, I promise, but life is too short to spend it obsessing over things you can't change - you can't change the past. Just use your experience to make yourself stronger, and it'll be worth it in the end. I wish you all the best.
]
I can only tell you from my personal experience. One time, I had luck with a guided meditation to help me put something from my past, in my past and leave it there. I had been holding on to guilt for years and the meditation basically made the guilt fade away and I forgave myself and it totally worked. I had my doubts, but it worked.
Yours is not guilt, but resentment. But maybe it'll work just the same. I know he doesn't deserve forgiveness, but try to forgive him. Not for him, but for you. Since the resentment is only affecting you. You don't do him any harm whatsoever by resenting him. You only hurt yourself. Its like swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies.
The meditative state will also help you cause your conscious mind will not be as ready to defend why you shouldn't forgive him. Who knows, maybe he feels guilty about it now and he can never fix it and is wrought with guilt. But I think forgiveness will relieve you of some of the stress, even though its difficult.
Maybe it'll help justify forgiving him if you give him another story. Maybe he was like that because he grew up with abusers himself and he became one himself and he couldn't help it. Maybe he was depressed and he did bad things as an escape from his pain. Like a bully who acts how he acts because there's something wrong inside them and really has nothing to do with the victim. They're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If you give him a story where he is a victim of his own past, maybe it'll help you forgive him? Just for you, so you can get some piece of mind. Maybe it'll help you look at him, not so much as a scumbag, but as the end result of his own shitty childhood, experiences and bad choices. And now he's paying for it, with his guilt and by being alone.
You can probably find meditations on youtube. The meditation I did involved imagining a picture of the person, very detailed. Then making it black and white, then having it slowly fade away into the dark background until you can't see it. Sounds weird, but it worked for me. You probably have to be in a meditative state though. I don't think it'll work if you just imagine it real quick.
]
I would find a decent therapist that will help you work through what happened to you, the family life you endured and your views on your father and excluding him. You have to let your feelings out and be honest about them in order to be able to heal and move forward never forgetting but forgiving and leading a happier life.
]
Take it one day at a time. There's no easy way to get rid of the bad memories. You just have to think positive and focus on your happiness. Think about how he isn't around to hurt you or your family anymore. Forgive your dad. Not for him. But for you. Carrying around hate or bitterness isn't how you move on (I'm not say you hate him but if you did) but simply just try to spend more time don't things you love with the people you love. I know it may not be the exact answer you were looking for. But I hope it helps.
]
You don't say how old you are now. If you are an adult then you should do as I am going to suggest. If you are under 18 you will need to ask your mom to get the help I am going to recommend.
First I'm sorry that you had to live through this abuse from your dad. One question did your father ever sexually abuse you. If the answer is yes then I would suggest you make a police report. There is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse. If your father is in Mexico and does reenter the U.S. he will be arrested at the border. Child sexual abuse cannot be tolerated and his arrest for sexually abusing you will be a big help in putting the past behind you.
Rainhourse88 is correct you can never forget something that has happened to you. What you can do is learn how to handle it in a manner that doesn't ruin the rest of your life. I learned this myself very recently when an auto accident disabled me and turned my whole world upside down. I sought therapy with a psychologist for help with what was my new world. She saw something and kept hammering at it. I was reluctant but she finally got it out of me.
I won't go into detail other than to say I learned I came from a dysfunctional family. I spoke to my sister about what I learned and she went into therapy too. We are both much happier today because instead of having these thoughts deeply buried we have learned to deal with them.
This is what I believe you need to do is to speak with a qualified therapist who can help you put what has happened to you in the proper prospective so you can deal with it properly. My sister and I are lucky in that we both have very supportive spouses who also worked with us while we worked with the therapist.
You need to find a good therapist. Someone you are willing to tell your deepest darkest secrets to knowing full well what is said in therapy stays in therapy. I went through two before I found the one I could trust and work with. It took time and it was hard work. The work and time was worth it for I am a happier person today even though my disability forced me to give up a job I dearly loved and had to learn to live in a world I was unaccustomed to.
There is no shame in seeing a therapist for help with what you can't deal with for there are something s you just can't share with mom or your closest friend. Sometimes just talking about something is helpful.
If you do not know any therapists call your insurance carrier they can supply a list of Psychologists that are covered under your health Insurance
]
It will, sadly prove impossible to ever forget what has happened, or the person of your father. We would call what you experienced 'significant trauma'. We have to 'process' trauma in our minds. To come to terms with what has happened. To resolve it. Resolution comes only through acceptance. This does not mean you should accept that what he did was OK. And most certainly not accept that you should take some share of the responsibility for it. Which clearly you did nothing to cause, solicit or encourage. The acceptance we need is to accept "Yes. This happened to me. I cannot change it." Again, we are not talking about forgiveness, or understanding why he did it. Merely "I accept." This is not for his benefit. It is for yours. It is to stop what he did having any negative impact on your future. It is so that you can let it go and move forwards. To delve even more deeply, while this is unresolved it will always keep you in a 'victim mentality'. This is not a good place to be. It attracts re-victimisation in so many other aspects of your life. It holds you back. It undermines your confidence and self-esteem. Mate, you are NOT his victim anymore. Don't let his vile acts hurt you again and again by spoiling your future. You are stronger than him. You are bigger than what he did. You survived it. You're a survivor.
ps This looks like half an answer? As humans we 'process' trauma by passing through these phases: Shock-Denial-Anger-Grief-Acceptance. We pass through them in this order and we cannot skip a phase. Where do you feel you are in the sequence right now? Clearly no longer shock, and not denial either as you have recounted the events. Have you become 'frozen' in the 'Anger' phase? Perhaps still so angry that you have not properly grieved? Have a think about this. It might mean revisiting some dark parts of your mind. Be very strong, and drag them out into the light so they can't hide away and undermine you. You can see that 'acceptance' is the end-stage? You WILL get there. X
]
More Questions: |