I am a father of three, girl, boy, girl, all are now over 18. I have been married for 29 years as of 6-30-07, so yes, if you do the math I was married at 18, just after graduating high school. I am very aware of the pit falls of doing so, but we made it through the really tough times. I came to this site, because of my daughter, she also uses the site.
I am an author and have written three books, only one under this name, but it is not how I make my living. I am in business, working full time and I have a seasonal business in ponds, selling Koi, goldfish, water plants and supplies. I help people to plan and build ponds, as well as, maintenance if they need it.
I am not here for the ratings and could careless what you rate me. I will tell you things I know, I will tell you what you don't want to hear, but most of all, I will tell you things from my perspective. I have experienced a lot in my life, I have not lived with my head in the sand and I'm a realist, you want someone to blow smoke up your as*, don't read my writings, (I don't do fairy tales).
I am not so foolish as to think I am always right, I can only tell you what I know and give you something to think about. It is up to you to find out if I'm right or not.
Life is complicated, because people are complicated and one answer does not necessarily fit all, but that doesn't mean you should not consider what I say as a possibility.
Feel free to write me personally if you wish, there is only so much you can say in such a restrictive environment as this site is, it doesn't allow for proper conversation.
Thank you for coming to my column and giving me the chance to help.
E-mail: gibber@cableone.net
Gender: Male
Location: Minnesota
Age: 53
Member Since: May 14, 2008
Answers: 285
Last Update: March 27, 2013
Visitors: 26927
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I have been thinking about society's double standard on how one night stands are viewed as, depending on whether a man or woman has one. I am 28, female and have had three one night stands before, two of which I regretted, one which I did not regret- simply had fun with and did not make anything of it. I am confident and comfortable enough in my own skin, that I don't use sex to create a false sense of emotional connection with someone I don't know. Sometimes I just want to have sex and enjoy it, no pressure. Although I don't turn every encounter with a man into a one night stand, I have hadsex on the first date before. But it leaves me feeling like for a guy it's no big deal, while women (I hope I am wrong about this) might get branded as some sort of easy slut. Men get horny and just want sex sometimes, and so do women. Some men want the emotional connection there first, and so do some women. I find myself wavering between these two, depending on the situation.
I'd like to hear people's thoughts on this:
a) if a woman has sex on the first date or just a one night stand, does it make you think she's a slut (aka, you stop taking her seriously)?
b) what is your opinion on a one night stand? Do you think there is a double standard, and do you agree with it?
I've been thinking about this, because it bothers me that a guy in my shoes would probably feel perfectly fine about having one night stands, where although I can sometimes just have sex for fun and be okay with it, I am left wondering if it would make some people think of me as a "slut." (link)
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I will answer, but if you expect us not to judge you, do us the favor of not judge us, in other words, don't rate people for their opinions here.
My opinions are and always have been; it is none of my business what kind of life style someone else wants to live. Never speak to others what your life style choices are. Live the life you can live with. I have no right to judge the life style of others. And there is no right or wrong life styles, only right or wrong life styles for me.
There is nothing in your life style that is wrong, if you don't feel it is wrong. As to labels, I don't use them.
I asked you not to rate my opinion and you do so anyway. I'm done with conversation pieces in an advice column. I don't care what others think about my opinion and I don't believe anyone has the right to judge me except my God. The first thing you need to learn is respect for others young lady, and respect for their wishes.
If you wish to discus other written opinions, they are different and many, I know them too, but I don't hold to them. Be well.
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i feel so much pain when my bf do anal sex with me my age and bf age 21,his pines 8 inch long and fat sometimes i m cry so much plz advice pian free sex (link)
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Good lubricant and lots of it and tell him to take it slowly and give you time to adjust. There will always be a little pain at the start because of the sphincter muscle, you just have to wait for that muscle to expand before he continues insertion this should be a very slow process.
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sometimes i get those sexual toughts and that makes me feel uncomfortable i feel like everyone knows what im thinking,i get in class sometimes too and i feel like a huge pervert,am i?
and theres this guy in my class that i sometimes stare at and i feel this strong desire for him and im thinking like: oh god i wanna fuck him. and im fucking 15,is it ok orrr? (imma gurl) (link)
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Hormones, such interesting things. So now you know what it's like to want and have to deprive yourself of what you want. There is absolutely nothing wrong if you thinking about sex, don't let your negative thinking effect this, you will become a much stronger women if you don't fill your thoughts like these. Remember that you need to keep these feelings in check, you don't need sex, or a baby getting in your way at 15, but don't carry unnecessary baggage about it either. People don't know what your thinking, but know that they have a general idea of where your at, so don't let them take advantage of that. Stay clear of anything that makes you lose control. Hormones are actually an old system that in many ways we don't need any more. It comes from way back in animal history, when we needed to be told when it was time to start having children. We know this now and can chose when we want to start to have children from a much wider time frame. Way back when our brains were small, we did not communicate, we worked on desires and chose our mates by looks, because how strong you looked and were, was important. And, there was a time that even that didn't matter, so who you matted with didn't matter. This is why you have those feelings, but there are many reasons why these things are no longer needed. Now the challenge is getting through these feeling and understanding we have much bigger brains now and there are many more reasons to consider when choosing a mate.
You have a lot of choices to make in your life to come and you have to live with those choices. Choose to make your life a good one. Be well
Response to rating:
I really should know better then to respond to these questions that aren't really questions. You asked 2 things, are you a pervert and is it okay to fuck some guy at 15 years of age, because you lust over him. So, you wanted to be told that you are a pervert and you should Fuck this guy and it has nothing to do with hormones. Well go right ahead and do what you want, you're not my daughter. Wake up little girl.
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Im nineteen female. Two partners. Im going to take a test to make sure im clean. I dnt knw what to expect. Can you help? (link)
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Off the top of my head, I can not think of anything that they would test for that is beyond the taking and testing of blood, or urine. They may want to do a pap test, but I'm not sure why they would, you should still be prepared for it.
I am assuming by clean you are talking no STD's etc..., if you've read my stuff at all, you know I often get into trouble assuming that people actually understand what the words they are using mean. I also wonder why you come to me for this question, mind you it does not bother me, but from my writings, I can not believe you would consider me a good person to ask about a situation involving an "alternative" life style.
The fact you mention that you have two partners, when this is completely irrelevant to the question, speaks to me. I'm not sure if you're baiting me, or if you are questioning your life style. I hate to tell you this, but I have no prejudice toward any lifestyle, if all concerned are fully informed and fully in agreement.
If you are questioning this lifestyle, I would be happy to discus this with you, If, however, this was not a Freudian slip and just unneeded info, I wish you well.
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18 female.
i'll admit, i think i'm a pretty girl. i do have confidence when it comes to guys because i've been told so many guys that i'm gorgeous and any guy would be lucky to have me but i'm still a virgin. i'm not ashamed of it, i love the reaction guys get when they hear this because they think it's impossible. the bad thing is, i am always horny. i have never actually went out with a guy before maybe it is because you could say im a "prude" the farthest i've gotten was making out and well the usual butt and boob touching. gotten a hickey but thats all. i always have the urge to do things with guys but i can't let myself do it for some reason. i'm scared, i'll admit that and i feel like i'm always just going to get used by guys. i feel like if i do something i'll get attached to them, and i'll really start liking them and they will just want to hook up, with no strings attached which will hurt me in the end. no guy has ever asked me out, well because i'm picky. i know tons of guys who have liked me and i flirt with them but i feel nothing beyond being friends with most of them and then they move on. i want this guy, who is unavailable and the bad thing is i can only see myself doing anything with him. he knows i like him, i have feelings for him but he won't break up with his girlfriend. also the guys i do like, they try to do things with me and i back off. like i get scared when guys want to kiss me, or make out with me or even go beyond that. i know i'm not ready for sex but how can i overcome doing something physical with a guy? (link)
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It is so good to read your letter, two of the most important things in life is to know what you want and what you don't want. Continue being picky and find the one for you. Always be skeptical about guys until they prove you wrong. You know that applies to women too, always suspect motive in everyone. Make the right guy win you over, all women should consider themselves a prise to be won over, because you all are. You are diamonds that will always sparkle when treated right. Sorry if that sounds sexist, or demeaning, it's just the truth.
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when getting fingered are there certain things that a guy should NOT do. are there any dangers that i should be aware of? (link)
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Two words, Finger Nails.
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what is blueballs???and what does it mean to have blueballs???.....and what is spooning??? (link)
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Blue Balls is an expression that guys use to express the fact that they haven't had sex for a great length of time. After a time there can be a general discomfort and tightness for a guy in the testicles from lack of orgasm, sometimes boarding on real pain.
Spooning is where a couple lay side by side in a way such as two spoons stack together. Both facing the same direction so one has their front against the others back. Spooning has become a more over all term for some though, having more of a sexual meaning then cuddling.
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Okay so im 18f and hes 23m
Hes my old bosses son andive liked hm for quite some time. Im going to the works xmas party with a friend who still works there and i know hes gonna be there.
I realy want to let him know i want him. What are some things i can do or say to make him know this and turn him on. But it has to be something that i could do in a croud and not have the other people know.
THANKS! (link)
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2nd edit;
So, going up and asking him if he would like to go out with you sometime sucks so bad it deserves a 1. And I'm sorry, but saying, "I want him," and you want to "turn him on". Is sexual in any bodies book, though I did give you the benefit of the doubt in my original post, why is it you can't just ignore the stuff that doesn't apply. You have taken it personal and you don't even know me. I think you might be just a bit unstable right now, maybe you should take a breath.
Edit;
Your just going to give me a 1 rating and not respond to me. I gave you advice for both possibilities and neither one of them deserves a 1. Okay, maybe they are not fives, but your question is not a five either. Words mean things, when it is all we have to go on, could you be more careful how you use them please.
Normally, romantic advice is a specialty of mine, but in your case that's not what you need. In your words, I don't see romance, I see, teach me to be a whore, no offense. (First and second line, second paragraph.) You do it your way and that's the way he'll see it. You will not become anything serious, whores never do. So you need to decide what it is you want, something that could be serious, or a one night stand.
You want something serious, then go up and ask him if he would care to go out sometime with you. You want a one night stand, go up and whisper in his ear "I want to F_ck you", nothing turns a guy on more then that direct statement coming from the right girl, you just have to hope you're the right girl.
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Is it possible for a guy to actually love you in highschool? Even when you are having sex?
Or do they ALWAYS just use you? (link)
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One, don't have sex with a guy you're not sure of. Two, don't have sex with guys, wait till they become men. Three if you're having sex with a guy you're not sure of if he's using you or not, tell him you're afraid you might get pregnant, so you're not going to have sex with him any more, if he drops you, he was using you. Four, don't tell him this when you're in the middle of having sex, (sorry, small joke).
Very few guys at that age really know what love is, I really didn't. I wasn't out to get laid either, I just wanted to be accepted by someone. Guys are not good for that, if you're another guy. At that age they're all busy trying to impress everyone. I have talked several times about the fact that women want to be everything to one person, where men want to be everything to everybody. Problem is and some come to realize it sooner then others but, men can't be everything to other men. We are all trying very hard to accomplish this, but in the end, it's futile. Some guys learn that, some don't.
In general it is safest to think that all guys want to get into your pants, just don't let them and see who still hangs around, love always hangs around.
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18,female.
i've always had a good relationship with my parents, they do trust me and we're probably closer than most parents and teenagers are. i can talk to my mom about alot of stuff but there is one thing i can't talk to either one of them about and that is sex, and being sexual. they know i'm on birth control, my mom went with me to get it but i went on it to control my periods and they also know i'm a virgin (i hope they still believe me) well anyways a couple weeks ago my dad caught me doing something he probably didn't want to see, and that was me in my bra with my best guy friend. they both love this kid, but they thought we were just best friends. well i tried to cover it up, but my dad knew exactly what was going on. now we were not having sex or really doing anything sexual we were just messing around with each other and cuddling but i've never had a boyfriend before so they think i have no interaction with boys, at least in a physical state. well he talked to me about it that night and was like i don't care if you mess around with him, just be smart about it and i was like i know dad i'm not stupid!! well i would hope this awkward situation would be put in the past but today i was driving with my mom and we were sort of fighting and then she brought up how i should go see the doctor, well i want to, to ask them about my birth control and make sure everything is okay and she was like maybe you should get a papsmear and i was like NO! i don't want to, doesn't it hurt? and we were talking about it and she was like you can start getting them when your 18 but usually if your sexually active, and then she said "but i know dad said you and nick (my best friend) were "fooling around"" and i was like yeah mom we are having sex, being sarcastic and she was like well maybe he gave you cooties then i was like whatever. AWKWARD!!! it's just annoying that they assume i'm doing this sort of thing. i think it's cool that they don't really care if i do things like this or not just as long as i'm smart and safe but i hate talking about it because it's not what it seems. me and this guy haven't like done anything but i don't think my dad beleives me no matter what i say because yeah what would you think if you saw your daughter with a boy in her bra when you came home? i just don't know what to do!! it's not that i want to stay a virgin until i'm married, i'm just waiting for that right guy and they always bring up how i don't have a boyfriend, which also gets on my last nerve. they put me down when they talk about it, like i'm not good enough for any boy because they say "i'm too needy, and all i care about is myself and no wonder why i don't have a boyfriend" which makes me feel so good about myself..yeah...
well any suggestions would be well appreciated thank you so much. (link)
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I'm impressed, someone who can actually get it all out and try to give us something to work with. First off, can I tell you where you made your mistakes with out you shutting down for the rest of what I have to say? Well, yes or no, I guess I'm going to give it a shot.
I have discussed this before, but here goes again. The problem with parent child relationships is, both sides normally do not accept each other. They want you to be something your not, and you want them to be something they are not. They want you to be an adult and talk and act like one and you are not. You want them to be the perfect parents and leave you alone to do what ever you want and they don't.
You treated them in away that was that of a child, you treated something that was serious in their eyes with your normal child responses, which was that of smart ass answers and come backs. That is what children and actors do, not what adults living in the real world do.
It's uncomfortable for you because you are not living in the real world, you are still a child, even at age 18. You know, we never really leave age 18, even at 49 I still think in many ways as an 18 year old. I still act at times as an 18 year old, but I know what is serious and when I have to be an adult. They have made an attempt several times to try to get you to be an adult and you like a child have thrown it back in their face and they are going to do what ever it takes, including embarrass you if need be, to get you to take it serious. An adult does not say "eww" when it comes to doing what is right for themselves just because it means spreading their legs for a doctor and experiencing a little pain. You should have said to your mother, "Do you think it is necessary, even though I have not had sex yet, because if you do, I'll set up an appointment", that is what an adult says.
Stop belittling your parents and treating them like they know nothing. Your father knows more about boys and men then you could possibly ever know in your life time and your mother knows every thought that is ever going to run through your head and don't you ever think different. You will live a different life from her, but nothing will ever surprise her coming from you. You have the greatest chance in your life to learn about life and what you should and should not do and your blowing it, because you can't see your parents as adults and you can't act like one. Don't wait until it's to late.
Now, if you were my daughter, here's what I'd tell you. If this boy is not the one you are serious about, don't take your clothes off around him, unless he's gay. Two, don't ever be afraid to talk to us about anything, but don't expect us to sugar coat our answers to you. Three, if you don't like our advice, don't take it, live your own life, but don't expect us not to say I told you so when you find out we were right. And most of all, go see a doctor, talk to him about everything. Find out when you need to start getting paps, ask him if he still thinks you need to stay on the pill to regulate your period, most of the time that is only a temporary thing and your body should be able to take over on its own at some time. It is suggested that you only use the pill for ten years collectively, if you've been on it a while, your eating up birth control time that you may need when you do find the right guy.
I hope I covered it, but if I did miss something, I hope you will write me and ask me what I missed. Most of all, I hope you have taken what I have said in the proper vain, if not, I guess your to pissed off to do anything but yell at me. Don't worry, I'm use to it.
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Hi Okay I am wondering if someone could tell me what is considered a normal vagina. I am very insecure about mine and I am scared to let my boyfriend in my pants. I have an apt. with the gyno but that's in a month, and we can't wait that long. Is it supposed to smell like fish? If not, what should I do? How can I make it smell better? Do you think he'll care if it isn't normal? But I don't even know what normal is. I am very confused! Please help ! (link)
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Here I go again, answering something I should not. There are plenty of other reasons for you to be scared to let your boy friend into your pants, but trust me honey, that's not one of them. I'd tell you an old limerick from when I was young, but I only remember half of it, maybe someone knows the rest of it though, it started out, "If it smells like fish, eat all you wish, if it smells like", that's where I don't know the rest.
You don't say your age, but I hope you will consider holding off long enough to at least see your OBGYN and try to learn a few things first. Make sure you're well protected against pregnancy and STD's, that means you both use birth control. Him a condom and you have several choices, pick one, but Never go with out a condom, unless your married to him. Then if something goes a stray, having a child will be a greater blessing. Please learn more before taking this leap, you can't go back once you do it.
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How do I talk to my parents about sex and purity? Whenever I bring somthing up with my dad he gets mad at me and with my mom it just gets akward. What can I do? I want to stay pure till marrige, Im thinking about getting a purity ring just as a reminder whenever it starts to go to far with a boy. How can I bring up a conversation with my parents. I have a little sister(11) if that helps at all. Thanks in advance! (link)
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There is one thing you and all children, (which we all are if you think about it), need to realize about parent's I'm a parent and a child of course. I have always tried to be open to being approached about anything with my three children, (now all adults), but for some people it's hard. Parents get so use to looking at you as a child, when adulthood comes along, they can't help but still see you as a child, they may never get past this.
You don't mention your age, but I assume you are at least the standard two years over your sister, so 13 or above. Now they may think it is still not appropriate to talk of such things at your age. It also sounds like maybe serious talk is not all that common between you and your parents, so I suggest you set your sights lower, going from talking about what clothes to wear to school, to talking about sex and purity, just maybe too big a leap for them.
Spend some time and I'm talking days or weeks, could even take months, engaging them in conversations, gradually going from lighter topics, to heavier ones, eventually get to the one you really want. Talk to them about politics, religion, things adults talk about, not things that children talk about, I'm sure you'll find this enlightening and stimulating. When you feel that they are starting to see you more as an adult, try going to light romance conversation, you know, how did you and dad meet, or what were the kinds of things you did for dates back when you first met, get them thinking of the old days.
Go into this with a well thought out plan. Think of "off the cuff" questions you can ask them and write them down. Put them in order from light topic to heavy. As you are helping your mother in the kitchen, get her talking as if it were unplanned. Focus on your mother, but work on your dad too.
Consider him practice on how to engage men in conversation, start simple, you should know his interests by now, then start slipping a few easy going questions on him and work your way up with him too.
Take care to start these things at the right time, don't interrupt times of normal solitude, or reflection time for your parents. Depending on what they do for a living, you may be interrupting their brain down time. If they spend a lot of time at work using their brain, they undoubtedly have a time soon after coming home where they like to shut their brain down for a while. Watch for patterns, (routines), they follow, alone times are important to everyone, remember when they have the do not disturb sign hanging on their forehead, respect that.
Too many young ones don't respect that their parents are people and they don't respect them as individuals, but expect them to treat them as such. If you want them to treat you like an individual and adult, be aware of them and their rights as individuals, as flawed as they maybe. Acceptance is probably the most important thing in life and I can count on one hand those I feel have really accepted me. Your parents should be, but most often aren't among the people you count among those who accept you, but I would ask, have you accepted them, or do you want them to be something they are not?
Be open, take it all in, reject nothing, contemplate everything, see the possibilities, live in reality, but most importantly, see the truth.
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So, when I was younger, I wasn't really attractive. I had glasses and what not. When I was in 5th - 7th grade I never went a week with out a boyfriend.It is sad. I lived at apartments. I got asked to have sex a lott. But i never did. I am going into freshmen year now and I am still a virgin. I have to say I am good looking now. I get comments from guys more than like 20 times a day on how hot I am. I get asked to have sex at a minimum of 3 times a day. I am still a virgin but don't want to be. But I don't really want to have a like 1 night stand with a friend.
I was dating somebody last year, but it was a secretive relationship. He wanted to have sex and I said no. I really regret it. Cause all the people that I like are experienced and I'm not. So I don't want to be having sex or getting fingered or anything with my friends when I'm still a virgin.
But I really want to have sex and stuff with them, but it is embarrassing.
I really need advice!!
Pleaseeee help me!! (link)
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Should you have sex for the sake of having sex? Hmm, let me think about that one, sure why not, if everyone else is doing it, you should defiantly be a drone like everyone else. It's silly to be a leader and do things for the sake of right and wrong when you can just follow everyone else.
You should always get what you want at all costs, even if you screw up your life in the process. Being pregnant and popping out kids at your age is fun. You get lots of attention that way and you can always just give the babies away so you will have no responsibilities for them.
The Human Being is the combination of the Human animal and the spiritual Being. Why should you be any different from the majority of people out there that live their life satisfying the animal instead of controling it? You have urges, you should always appease them, sexual urges, the urge to eat what ever you want, the urge to kill, you should always appease your animal urges. Tell you what, the next guy you see that turns you on, just go up and say, "Hey do you want to F*ck me", hell just do that with every guy you meet, you'll have the time of your life, no matter how long it turns out to be.
Be well dear one, you are given many gifts in life, do not be in such a hurry to give them away. There are gift that should be earned.
Second response,
HAHAHAHA, your age is showing dear one, as well as your intelligence. Sarcasm totally escapes you and humor as well. There is no response to your question that differs from mine in any other way other then the angle that I chose to right it from. There are 4 responses here, yet mine is the only one you responded to, (as of writing this), I consider that a job well done.
I made you think about your stupid question and the total lack of any thought or brains going into it. Your anger, so obviously, stems from the truth you see in my writing, for no matter what you say, my words are true and come from what you so clearly wrote in your question.
I broke a decision I had made in even answering your question. I had decided to stop answering any questions other then personal ones and I'll tell you why: One, because so many of you here only come for confirmation of something you want to do that you know is wrong and rate those who don't give it to you badly. Two, so many like yourself don't give any where near enough information in your questions to give you good advice when you are truly seeking it. And three; I don't believe that even half of the questions on relationships and sex are real. I have answered 183 questions on this site since I started here and I have been rated 99 times, that's just over half. I believe that about half of the questions asked here are by some self appointed watch dog looking for that one in million pervert that will say, "come on little girl, I'll show you all about sex."
You have convinced me once again that I am wasting my time answering general forum questions, for there are too many of you shallow little girls and boys who don't have any interest in what anyone else has to say, unless of course it agrees with what you want to hear.
Though your response to me was profane and vulgar, showing how little your mind actually is, I will wish you the best and hope that someday you learn the difference between living life and experiencing life. But in truth, I have seen many of your kind in my time, I know the path you are going to follow. I wish you well.
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15/f
i want to start useing toy but i have no why to get dildos is there things i can use arould the house??
thanks! (link)
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Think clean smooth and non-porous, always clean what ever you use before and after use.
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I will be a senior at a private 4-yr school and will graduate with a BA in astronomy-physics and possibly a math minor. My problem is that I feel burned out and don't like academics anymore. I was going to go to Grad. school but now I don't know if it would be best for me. I'm a mediocre student (B's, C's, sometimes A's) which is due partly to me being unable to handle all the math and partly due to personal problems. I had 4 major knee surgeries my first two years of college, which didn't affect me academically, because my first three semester classes weren't hard for me, and plus being on crutches really cuts down on social time, so I did homework a lot but still had plenty of time to relax. I got most of my A's during this period. My mom also has Bipolar disorder which is stressful for me and causes my family financial difficulties. My fourth semester, my mom sliced her stomach open with a razor while I was eating breakfast. She cuts herself when ever she has an episode, and this was the first time she did anything since she had a psychotic episode my Junior year in high school and tried to kill her self twice. My parents also told me they were afraid of bankruptcy (though this never happened). As a result, I failed the mid-term I took after coming back to school and got my first C in physics. I had major panic attacks afterward and nightmares about my mom killing herself. I also had somatic symptoms like not feeling my arms and legs are part of my body. I made it through by talking to a school therapist. My mom hasn't hurt herself since then due to a medication change. Unfortunately, I had more problems. My Junior year, I decided to live of campus which was a disaster. The house I lived in had mold in the basement, a leaking foundation (we had 55 gal of water) and electrical problems as well as several other problems that are too long to go into. After that was handled, I thought I could finally concentrate on school, but then all my housemates got into huge arguments and I ended up losing a large number of friends over the ordeal. The main cause of this was one girl who got off anti-depressant mediation, but still..I also overloaded on credits that semester and struggled with academics as well as having my panic attacks return after not having them over the summer due to all the stress. Then, this spring one of my friends committed suicide. I again had nightmares and panic attacks and went through a very intense grieving period. I went to college expecting to make a better life for myself and have only become very unhappy. In high school, I told myself if I work hard now, I can relax later, but later never comes. I also feel like a screw up because now I probably can't get into grad school even if I wanted to, because I have too many B's and C's in upper level classes. I'm constantly stressed during the school year because I rarely have free time any more, and while I still have some friends, I did lose many last year and my current friendships are shaky. And when I do try and relax, I feel guilty that I'm not doing something productive. I also feel very unmotivated and don't feel satisfaction and fulfilled from academics any more. It's had to feel satisfaction when I can only do mediocre. I can spend hours working on a problem, only to be told how to do it better, then I do it better, and am told how to do it even better than that. The problem is never done. It feels futile. My friend killed himself because of the stress from college and not getting into Columbia and I have two friends who took semesters off due to stress. The stress just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore. I can't help but think Grad. school would be worse than this. I got a job working as a hostess/buser at a restaurant and I feel much happier than I have in years working at this job than I have doing anything else. It's because I get many things out of this job that I don't get in the rest of my life. I get to serve people at the restaurant and please others and possibly make someone's day better, which never happens in school. I also get praise for doing well and instant criticism when I do something wrong which is better than the stress of waiting a week or more for a grade. I get paid instead of struggling to pay for school through financial aid, scholarships, and working. I feel much more productive and like I'm doing some good at my restaurant job. School currently just feels futile. There's no satisfaction, and I don't think changing majors would help. Although being a hostess/buser makes me happy, I can't do that with my life because of my knee problems. I can do it now, but I already have arthritis, so it's unlikely I can continue to do it for the long term. I've thought about being a writer instead, but it has no financial security. What should I do to be happy? I don't want to take pills because they screwed my mom up pretty bad and they make it so she can't concentrate or focus on anything. It just keeps her alive. I don't want to end up like my mom. What should I do? I think I just need a change in direction in my life, but what would be a good change in direction? (link)
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Welcome to real life young one! There is one word that comes to my mind when I read your words and that is passion. I read that loud and clear in your words, but, I will come back to that.
I am not going to tell you to put yourself and your future into the hands of a deity and blame him when your life gets screwed up. I'm also not going to tell you that you can do anything you want, because I would be lying to you. Life isn't about faith, or doing what you want, neither one puts food on the table and a roof over your head. Life is about finding your passion.
For some that may be religion, for some it could be family and children, yet for others it could be knowledge. There are so many things it could be, but if it is success you seek, you must confine yourself to one. I have always said, "Had I focused on one of the many things I can do and am passionate about, I would be a millionaire by now." But alas, I am a jack of all trades, doomed to jump from one passion to another, till the day I die.
But, you know what, I'm happy. I make money. I have a great wife and tolerable kids, lol. And, I really enjoy living. It was hard getting here, I have lived pay check to pay check, gone hungry, lived on candy bars and chips and the good grace of others and I enjoy my life. If this is what you want, work at jobs that make you happy, don't bother trying to build a life that makes you happy.
School is not about what you are being taught, it is about proving that you can learn. It is about finding what you like and what you excel in. It's about finding your strengths and weaknesses, then working on your weakness while using your strengths.
Life is all about focus and attitude and yours sucks right now. Regain that and you'll realize how much you whine about so little. There are many people out there facing so much more then you do and they shine like diamonds among coal. You you are a piece of coal among diamonds. You stick out just as good, but coal doesn't shine.
You are a great writer, anyone can see that, but I will tell you that you are right about the struggle it is to make money at, (I speak from experience), but two of my books were an act of passion. Passion you must yield to, don't look back and say, "I should have done that".
If I may leave you with this thought, if you're still even with me. When I was young, this would be about 1980, I was going to school for computer programming. I hadn't been going long when I came down with something that kept me out of school for about two weeks. I like to think that it was actually an illness, but I'll confide in you that it was not. I was sick of school, as far as I know, it is not a real illness, yet. Anyway, I went back, none of my teachers had a problem with this, except one, my Accounting teacher. He took me to his office and told me that I might as well drop out, because I would never be able to catch up to the class. Here was a man who didn't know me from Adam, but he somehow knew I wasn't smart enough to catch up.
After arguing with him for a good 10 minutes I realized that no mater what, this man was not going to let me catch up, so I dropped out and didn't go back. I returned to college about 15 years later, achieved a 3.81 gpa, including 4.0's in all my accounting classes. I did this while raising three kids, working a full time job, buying our first home, etc...etc... Yet I still consider this a failure, because I allowed one man to tell me what I was, or was not capable of. I let him take my focus from me and I did not maintain my attitude. I could have been a part of the rise of the computer, instead of watching it from the side line.
Don't let anyone take your power from you, not even yourself. Make Grad school take you, don't take no for an answer. Your future is not their's, it's your's, don't take no for an answer, make your future, find your passion no matter what it is.
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Is it normal to be depressed about not knowing your purpose in life? Depressed like it randomly puts you in a not so great mood and you walk around feeling sad.. not suicidal or anything. Also, any suggestions how to come out of this mood of constant unhappiness? (link)
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Purpose, the age old question, why am I here? To learn and grow. Is it that simple, no, but it's where you start. The Human Being is a combining of two things, the Human animal and the spiritual Being. The purpose in life is to let the spirit lead and control in order to grow stronger.
Don't mistake depression for your need to reflect on the hard questions in life and don't let things like this determine how you treat others. Many people get yelled at, then turn and yell at the next person to come along. That person has just given their control to someone else, why would you want to do that?
Act upon a situation, not react. You are reacting to thoughts going through your head and allowing that to control what you do and they are totally unrelated to your actions. Act upon each situation separate from your pondering of life's questions.
I have given you the place to start, let your life and your spirit teach you the rest.
Your response to me was:
Being upset doesn't mean treating others poorly. Otherwise, good advice.
Now the 3 rating doesn't bother me, I don't care about ratings, but where the heck does this response come from. I never advised you, or suggested that you should treat others poorly, I advised you to not treat others poorly just because someone else does something to you, or that your confused about thoughts running through your head. You should read my post again and stop taking me out of context.
Now if you were trying to say I implied that you are, I was not, but I guess I could see a place where you might have taken it that way, but it is not what your response says to me. When I talked about reacting, that was to say that you are reacting to your thoughts negatively causing you to act differently, change your mood and make you sad and this can lead to you treating others improperly, maybe I didn't explain that properly. I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough for you. I'm sorry if that sounds like I have an attitude, but it is not meant to sound that way, just my bluntness showing again.
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hey you gave me advice earlier about meeting up with those people and i liked it. well i met this girl on this swinger type website and we started to talk and ive seen her myspace and friends and everything else she looks legit to me but you still never can tell for sure. she has a boyfriend too. ive talked to her on the phone so i know who she really is but i dont know for sure. but id really like to meet with her but i feel like i cant tell anyone i would be going because no one knows i want to do that with another girl. ive told her i dont feel all the way comfortable and she told me to go ahead and tell someone what im doing so i would be. and whenever im ready. i dont know what to do :\ (link)
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This is hard, because I don't want to seem like I think you should do this. There are a lot better ways to explore your sexuality. You already know you like guys, so if I were you, I'd start from there. Find a guy that you like and most of all trust. After you have known him and you have taken it to the level that you are having sex, tell him that you have always felt that you were bi-sexual and ask him if it would bother him to bring a girl in and find out. I don't know too many guys that would say no to that question. At that point you find someone, or even have someone that you have already set it up with.
Other option, you know you like guys, so safely make friends with this other girl you have met, just friends at first. Hang out, (only in public first), and find out everything you can about her. Where she lives, works, goes to school, what ever.
Make sure that she meets some of your friends, just pass her off as a new friend, hopefully that is what she will become anyway. While this is going on, keep a diary just for this. Put down all information, keep it hidden and tell no one about what it contains, but make sure someone you trust knows of its existence, they don't have to know where it is.
When you are sure this person is okay, then you have a get together with only her, see what Lesbian sex is all about. Thing is, you may find out that you are not Bi, but perhaps it is just the thought of group sex that turns you on.
There is a lot of things this could be, you may be an exhibitionist and like to show off your body. You may be a voyeur and like to watch others, these are things you are best finding out with people you can trust and that will protect you. Most of all that will respect you if you all of a sudden say, "no, I don't like this, I want to stop."
If things go well and you find this girl to be trust worthy, tell her these concerns, make sure she knows you are exploring and you don't know if you will like it. Make sure she will stop if you don't want to continue, then if you want to continue on from there and explore more, take another step, but one step at a time. Anything changes, something unplanned, like the unexpected addition to the group at the last minute, you walk. Never plan any of this if you are at the mercy of them as far as transportation, alway drive yourself. If that is a problem, don't do it.
Always know everyone you are dealing with, for several reasons. You don't want STD's and you want to live a long life, not have some weirdo bury you in his backyard.
It is not easy these days to explore the world, we have to do it with great care, but the good thing is, is it doesn't have to be done right now, take your time.
Be safe my young friend, I want to know that you are not going to be a statistic on a police blotter. Don't take this wrong, but a hug comes with that.
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Ok, i know this is weird and probably i know the answer but i just wanna know...is there a chance you could get pregnant from having anal sex? Me and my bf kinda did it before. he wasn't in there that long and he kinda pre-d...im just really curious
(im a girl by the way xD) (link)
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Just a kind of by the way thing, two of them. Anal sex has been practiced as a "birth control" method in many countries, in particular, china and other Asian countries for many hundreds of years, even thousands.
Second, remember to have your boy friend clean up after anal sex, before he reinsert it into your vagina. You CAN get vaginal infections if he doesn't.
Please don't rate me for this, just trying to give you a tid bit of information.
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i am a 18 year old female and i have met these two people online. they are a couple and are interested in maybe getting together to hook up.. i have been feeling like i am maybe bisexual and maybe this could help me figure that out. the thing is i'm kinda scared to meet up with them just because they are strangers and all. but i have talked to them and they seem real and not creepy. i just need some advice on what to do because i really want to but something bad could happpen. please help. (link)
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I have little time, so excuse me if I'm quick.
First, meeting is to be in public and in public only! Second, things after that are your decision and yours alone.
Third, after you have checked them out carefully and you know their names and where they live, tell someone before your first meeting where you are going. (You do not have to tell them why.) Leave all this information written down, including why you are getting together with them safely in your home. That way if you have guessed wrong about these people, the law will have some place to start looking for your body.
Got it? I hope so.
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well where do i begin, back in 1995 my wife thought that i was cheating on her because i would have cybersex when the internet first cranked up. so she got real close to a co-worker of mine and they started playing a game on me and after about 2 years i was watching my friend/co-worker literaly dating right in front of my eyes. i was the third wheel. ok he was married also, but i felt the tension so strong between them that one night we all got drunk and had a male,male,female threesome. But the deal was before we did this was that one day i get my turn back with a female,female, and me threesome. Ok i held up to my part of the bargin but she doesn't want to hold up to hers. i have suggested ideas and people to return the favor but she tells me that it's not going to happen she made a mistake. why is she doing this and why won't she let me do what she did? i don't want to be 90 when she dicides to let me have my turn at the fun i let her have. i don't think my relationship is fair at this point and she says, sorry life isn't fair. what can i do. (link)
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She's right, life isn't fair, but you shouldn't trade in wrongs. It is one thing when you go into a relationship with someone and you both want to be swingers, or what ever "alternative life style" you wish to call it, but you two entered into this under false pretenses. This was about vengeance for a perceived wrong.
My best childhood friend was seeing another women behind his wifes back, she found out. As revenge, she found another guy to and got her revenge. He was fine with this, as long as he didn't know about the details if you will. This was not enough for her, she wanted him to suffer, which was not in this guys nature. She flaunted him in front of him, not caring a thing about her kids seeing this, revenge is a double edged sword as they say. They ended up divorced, big surprise.
Your wife is still exacting her pound of flesh and it seems you have so little flesh left. You married this women and you didn't know she was like this? Pretty poor planing on your part I'd say. Poor guy, she got it all and what did you get, the same old thing. You did nothing but talk on the internet and masturbate, who got the prize here?
You didn't mention kids, but I think it's best that you two kids are hopefully not trying to raise kids, because you are sure going to screw them up too.
This is what happens to a relationship when you don't really know your partner, but then, it's probably to late for me to be telling you that.
Good luck, but I'm not betting with you guys to make it, but if there is a pool against you guys making it, I'm in.
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