summerGIRL_xo's advice column | summerGIRL_xo's Advice About Friendship

asksummerGIRL_xo

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: my two close friends are really "out there" like sexual and act really slutty, and whenever were out anywhere i feel like i dont fit in with them because i dont act like that. i have a lot of guy friends and i flirt but im not all sexual like them. i feel a lot uglier kinda beside them, so i hesitate to go up to guys with them. i dont know how i should look at the situation...

any advice/opinions would be great, thanks guys :]

the biggest thing is, you have to have confidence. if you're self-conscious, guys see that & it's a turn-off. confidence is a big turn-on, so if you act confident in yourself, guys will begin to notice you. don't change yourself to be more like your friends - obviously, you have better morals and respect yourself more than your friends do. guys may give them more attention, but that's just because they want sexual things from them and they think they're easy - something you don't want to be. a guy will notice YOU, on the other hand, for your personality as well as your looks. you may not get as many guys as your friends, but you'll get the GOOD ones - the ones who want more than just sexual things. on the other hand, your friends will get the pig-headed jerks who drop them after getting what they want. be yourself, be confident, and the right guys will notice you. forget your friends - you can still hang out with them if you want, but don't try to act like them. believe me, you're much bette [=

Q: my sister is only about maybe a year or so younger than me.but she the problem is all my friends talk to her more than me and always want her to come with us wherever we go.i know its her just makin more friends, but these are mine and she has her own (not to sound selfish)what do i do?

first, you should try talking to your sister about it. tell her you love hanging out with her, but sometimes you need a break. say it in the nicest way possible - she probably feels the same way about you. also, for exampl, say you're going to the movies with your friends, and she wants to go along. instead, ask her to invite a couple of her own friends. you can still see the same movie, but sit a couple rows apart. gradually do things like that, and she'll get the hint..

you could als try explaining this to your friends, as well. say something like, "i know she's cool, but i don't want her with us everywhere.. i hang out with her 24/7 at home." it's true too - they may only see your sister when you go out, but you have to see her all the time, and it's understandable that you want seperate friends from your sister. if they have siblings, they should understand. chances are, they don't even know it's bothering you! [= talk to your sister & them, and it should work out. if not, try making plans with them on days you know your sister is busy, to gradually push her away from your friends.

Q: SORRY ITS SO LONG BUT I REALLLLLYYY NEED HELP!!!

okay i have no clue what to do anymore so yeahh...

theres this girl and lets just call her "betty"

okay so betty and i have been best friends since we were reallllyyy little we were more like sisters and suddenly things have changed well im a year older than her so i knew it would be hard to stay friends when i went to highschool and she was still in eigth grade but i made time to hang out with her EVERY weekend and was so happy when she finally grad. i couldnt wait for her to come to high school

when she first got to high school she was acting weird and i told her she wasnt acting like herself and she fixed it then everything was fine until about 2 or 3 months ago when she decided to do cheerleading...

she met lots of guys while doing cheerleading and met other guys through the basketball ones but she had a boyfriend (who i HATED -- he treated her like dirt but she said she really liked him so i dealt) ANYWAYS...

we got into a fight because she was never around and was acting different AGAIN. during the fight she called me and said you know what if you dont think i care then your crazy to prove it ill tell you something only "mary"(her other close friend who always tryed to take my place in "betty"s life) knows so she told me that she had broken up wwith her bf. because she had UNPROTECTED sex with another guy and she felt bad about cheating and couldnt tell him.

i was SHOCKED because i havent even had sex and shes a year younger... so anyway i got worried that she was pregnant but it turned out she wasnt and the guy she had sex with was a JERK so then she kinda blew me off more and more for "mary" and then i found out she was getting drunk and stumbling around town like that on the weekends and later found out she was smoking weed.

between all this madness we had many fights and i told her she was ruining her entire life but deep down i knew she was doing all this for attention since her sister was perfect and her parents favored her sister soooo much more and go out all the time and ignore her ... but we had gotten over all the fights and everything...

so then she went away weekend before break with "mary" they came back and she was talking to me on aim and i told her i was at her really long time ago EXs house that day and he had a pic of her on his bulletin board and she was like well you took it down right and i was like no its his room i cant just take things down ya know and she like well im mad at you now and im like are you kidding i didnt do it because honestly "betty" he really loved you and he even told me that he really did love you and you know he treated you like a princess and like no other guy has or probably will treat you

and she was like no i dont think he did i dont know and at this point i had to go eat dinner so i was like alright well ill bbs maybe when i come back youll reliaze how much he really loved you and how well he treated you and shes like why are you trying to run my life? and i was like are you kidding im just trying to help

and from there the conversation got really bad and full of insults and curses

and now we are no longer friends at all and we basically hate eachother but its just crazy to see her change so much and i really love this girl shes a sister to me and she had EVERYTHING good going for her shes soooo pretty and graduated as validvictorian of her eigth grade...

and i just hate that shes not herself anymore i miss the girl she used to be my best friend

thank you so much for even taking the time to read this...

i really hope someone can help me help her

Unfortunately, people change. especially in high school - it's a changing/adjusting period. She may change back and realize you are a very good friend, or she might not. Either way, it's not the end of the world =]. I know it may seem like the most horrible thing right now, but throughout your life, you will have many friends. You will grow apart from some, some will be rude to you, but the ones that MATTER - your true friends - will stick with you. You shouldn't put up with mean, or bad behaviour from anyone. True, everyone makes mistakes, but you've already tried talking to her about it. I know it hurts alot to move on from your best best friend, especially since you 2 were like sisters for so long. But sometimes it's necessary. Maybe she just needs some time to come around, or maybe she's changed for good. Just be happy and hang out with your other friends, get closer to them, etc. It's hard to see someone you've been so close with for so long change in such an awful way. Talking to her about it could help even though you've already tried - but if she treats you badly and contineus to do bad things for herself, you may want to create distance. Once you've distanced yourself for awhile, she may come back to you and realize what she's missing. Or she may not. But either way, its for the better

in any case, Something good will come out of all of this this - I promise you =] Keep your head up! I know it may sound corny, but everything happens for a reason. Just think of all your other good/best friends and start hanging out with them more.

Good luck! =]

Q: okay i have these friends that i love todeath when they are not teasing me. but alot of people i know say i should find new friends cause they treat me bad. like they are always picking on me and it makes me mad. well not mad but it hurts my feelings and i dont know how to show my feelings and they think i am mad at them. i have asked them to stop but they wont. i just dont understand. do you constantly make fun of your bestfriend and make them feel like crap/an idiot? i mean i know friends tease each other but enough is enough right? am i acting rediculous?

it depends on the extent of their teasing. if it's just joking around teasing like if you say something blonde and they're like, "haha youre so stupid" then it's ok. however, it seems like what youre saying, tehy're hurting your feelings. thats not ok. if what they say really IS mean, they may be covering it up as a joke so they can say it. in other words, they probably want to say something mean, but to play "innocent", they'll say "oh we were just joking". if it is constant, cold-hearted teasing that singles you out and hurts your feelings or makes you feel uncomfortable, they need to stop. you should talk to them about it (maybe they dont realize its hurting you). if, after you talk to them, they don't stop, then they are not your best friends. that's just mean. anyways good luck[:

Q: My so called "best friend" started slapping me about a few weeks ago. It's over the stupidest things, too! Like, I have a favorite lip gloss that I put on all the time in school. She hates it, so she slaps me really hard across the face for that. Sometimes it doesn't hurt, but one time she left a red mark on my face. I've tried slapping her back a few times, but she always blocks her face, so I just kick her.

She's also been acting like a bitch lately, like she'll be nice to me and then tell me to go away 2 minutes later. Today, I didn't hang out with her at lunch, and she called me a slut because the kid she likes was NEAR me. I'm not even friends with him and we don't talk! I don't understand what her problem is.

wow, she sounds really controlling and uptight, and over-reacting. i dont think that you should stay in this friendship. first, try talking to her about it. maybe she doesnt realize she's gotten so out of hand. however, if you takl to her (in a calm way, but stern) and she starts freaking out or slapping you, forget it.

hurting you and freaking out over little things is not ok, and not what agood friend would do.

Q: I want to hang out with my friends more but every time I ask. No one will answer if they want to hang out.

I tried asking people but they say they are busy or something because of school and that we would hang out sometime later. Sometimes we do but usually we don't.

So it's break and I would love to get out... but what do I do?

I've been asking people for 3 days already and nobody will answer me.

Is something wrong with me? I didn't think I need anything wrong..

They said they should start acting more like friends but it hasn't happened.

Should I just give up and spend my days alone..?

Sorry to be blunt, but they may be trying to hint that they dont want to hang out with you. thats just an idea - it's not 100% sure. or, they might REALLY be busy with stuff, especially around the holidays and with school and everything. try hanging out with your other friends. since these friends always promise to hang out with you and never do, start getting involved with a new group of people. then, youll have someone to hang out with. also, if your old group starts to want to hang out with you, you'll always have someone to hang out with because now youll have 2 or more groups of people to hang with.

Q: waht should i do everybody hates me because im ugly how can i make me pretter so i can have more friends

beauty is in the eye of the beholder. you may think that is corny, but its true. i'm sure you aren't hideous. everyone is pretty in their own special way.

if peopel won't be friends with you because of your looks, they are shallow and rude, and you wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway. people should be friends with you because they like your personality, NOT because of how pretty yuo are.

if you want to make YOURSELF feel better about yourself, then you could try different types of makeup or treat yourself to a cute outfit or something. but do it for you - not to impress other people.

Q: My friends and i have been friends for 1 year.recently we got mad at each other and we are not talking.I dont know if we should be friends again or not.But here is the thing...everybody is saying that im the one who is ignoring her when she started all this and everybody thinks im the bad person.She calls me everyday but i don talk to her.Any advice?Thanx alot!And how can i make her stop calling me every damn day.

well, if you never talk to her when she calls, you are ignoring her. i understand how it would be annoying for her to call every day, but you need to figure out if you awnt to be friends with these people/person. if you do, you should talk to her when she calls sometime and try to work it out. after you work it out, she'll probably stop calling as much. but, if you dont want to be friends [if they were never good friends and treat you badly] then you should talk to her, as well, and say that you know you had some good times, but you may need a break from each other. it doesn't mean you have to stop talking - just hang out with other people more. and, who knows, maybe youll become good friends again one day. =]

Q: I have 3 friends, REALLLY good friends, and we all go to the same skool and in the same class. were besties. anyway, those 3 friends live pretty close to each other, and i live a little farther away, so they r always doing things without me (shopping, movies, hanging out ect.) and leaving me out. I know theyre not doing it on purpouse, but it still REALLY hurts becuase they talk about it infront of my face. Ive tried to talk to them about it, but they just get REALLY mad. what should i do?

they have no right to get mad at you for trying to express your feelings, as long as your doing it in a respectful, mature way. don't yell or constantly accuse them (you did this, you are mkaing this happen, etc), but instead tell them how it's making YOU feel, and how you could change this. i know you've tried to talk to them, but maybe try one more time and make sure you're suggesting ways that they can change this - if their parents don't want to drive out of their way to get you, maybe get your parents to drive you somewhere to meet them. if they continuously leave you out after you've tried to talk to them, and they get really mad at you for trying to talk to them, i would try hanging out with some of my other friends. they might realize they miss your company if you take a break from them, or they might not, but taht way you'll start devloping good friendships with other people you can hang out with that will include you.

Q: im really popular now
but im so scared that im not gonna be throughout highschool.
Ive been pretty popular for a few years, im just scared
and i know its not all about being popular
but once you get used to it, then its hard to not be it.
help??

i know this is kind of corny, but just stay true to yourself and be who you are. don't change because you think it will be more popular. make true friends that like you for you, not just your popularity, and will stick with you even if your not popular. that way, IF you ever become unpopular (which won't neccesarily happen) you won't loose EVERYTHING. you'll still have your friends to have fun with.

Q: i just found a post on this site, and i am 100% positive it was by my friend. basically what she said was that i was a bad influence on her, but she likes the person she is turning into. should i take offense to that, or worry at all for that matter? advice is GREATLY appreaciated, i am a huge worry wort. thanks alot

are you sure she was talking about you, and not one of your other friends? well, if you are sure, maybe you should talk to her. ask her how you're a bad influence on her, and be honest & say you saw her post. if you don't want to talk to her, think about why you're being a bad influence on her - do you do drugs? alcohol? shoplift? have sex? are you pressuring her to do whatever you are doing as well? if so, you could try and stop pressuring her. or, you could not talk about those things that you do in front of her. however, she says she "likes" the person you are turning her into supposedly.. what i would do is not pressure her to do any of the "bad" things you do, but if she chooses to do them, too, you can't exactly force her not to. i wouldn't be offended, but i would just think about the kind of stuff i'd been doing lately that would make me a "bad influence", and consider whether i should change ...

Q: please don't reject dis question, you look like a realli good advice columnist && i know its kinda grosse but i need help. i will give you a 5. yd, i was slEEping over my bff`s house. she askEd me if i ever masterbated beforE because it feel realli good. what is masterbation? how do you do it? then she asked me if i wantEd to do it wit her; i'm not a lezbian but should i? thEn, after we both went to bed i woke up a little later & she was makin like gruntin noises. whats up wit it? plss hlep

x0_JulEs

i don't know how to answer this question.. you could try google or something or ask someone else

Q: i never thought i would say this but im kinda boring. =/ im not "shy" but im not the loudest one in the room. i do talk and i can be really loud,but sometimes i wish i was more open and talked more. to my close personal friends im fine i can be loud and feel comfortable but when im in school at lunch i never know what to talk about and thats probably why i dont say much! i never know what to talk about when im with my not as close friends.movies and music just seem boring.i wish i was the loudest person the one who wa always talking and stuff but i just end up being "untalkative" maybe im just not comfortable being loud and talking alot with my not as close friends.how can i open up and be the loud person that i know i am inside? and i never know what to talk about!!! HELP.

just be yourself, and don't care about what others think of you. is there something holding you back from saying what you want to say? don't think, "will everyone think i'm stupid if i say this?" - just say it. =] it will help you not feel so shy about saying things. also, if you start talking to someone, topics will come up. if you start talking about a movie, the conversation will lead into other places. ask people questoins about themseslves - it will get a conversation going and can take the pressure off you for a little bit. as you start talking to people more, you'll make more friends and when you get to know people you'll become comfortable around them and be able to show your true self.

Q: whenever my 2 friends do something without me, the one girl mel makes a huge deal out of it. i think she is trying tomake me feel left out. shold i just brush it off?

she is probably trying to make you feel left out because she's actually jealous of YOU, and wants to make you jealous of her. so just act like it doesn't bother you, then she'll give up and see her manipulative ways can't hurt you. =]

Q: Tyler (girl) has been being kind o mean to me lately. We got really close last year and talk alot and she acted totally different. Now she's being weird to me especially when she's around Mia (who I thinks she's following and trying to suck up to her alot which may be why she's like stopped being as close with me). I just miss being as close of friends as we used to. If i try to talk to her she will be all weird but if you think i should what should I say? Or what should I do? I really dont like how she's treating me

if she was your good friend, i think she should understnd. you could try talking to her, explaining how you feel and saying, "look, i know things may seem kind of different lately, but i miss how it used to be." and try and talk it out. ask her for her feelings, too. or, you could try and give it time, and, for now, hang out with your friends that treat you right. over time, she'll change and come to the conclusion that if she treats you bad, she'll loose you as a friend.

Q: Okay here's the thing, I hate my "best friend". hate her. I blame her for almost all my misery (even though i know it's wrong, so you don't have to tell me that.. because it wont make a difference, i still need to get her out of my life!) the more I hang out with her, the more I become her..and I hate myself now. I stuck with her cause I felt sorry for her, she's kinda pathetic.. (wow i know how bad that sounds, i know im a terrible friend.. but i just.. i dont know) anyways, i stuck with her, even started in her class, and because of that (no one really likes her) ive become one of those poeple who arent really in the class, its like me and her are our own little group and the rest of the class is a group.. now im used to being popular, having friends etc because that's what makes me happy! im sick of being just me and her! and she kinda pisses me off, everything she says annoys me.. but since it's been going on for 2 years. I can't stop. I'm stuck.. like, it's been me and her for two years, so i cant just stop hanging out with her, and start being with the rest of my class, that will look so weird!! and we've beend oing all class projects and everything together, so it's ALWAYS me and her.. ugghhh i HAAATE IT! its easy for me to make friends, i could easily become a part of the class if she would just leave, burt with her, im stuck. it just won't work! like you dont understand, its gotten to the point were ive been skipping school for weeks now because i dont wanna be with her, she makes me miserablee.. but i have no choice, i cant even change schools, trust me ive looked in to it.. so what do i do?? PLEASE HELP. im becoming more and more like it, i can tell, and i hate it..

since you two are best friends, and you've been together for a couple of years, if you just completley stop being friends with her, she will probably be very upset. and i know right now you're really annoyed with her, but you probably don't hate her. just think of all the good times you've had. you're probably just sick of hanging out with her and only her, and you probably feel like she is holding you back from being with your other friends and having other oppurtunities - which may be happening. i'm confused, though - while you're not at school for "weeks", what does your friend do? hang out by herself? if she has absolutely NO other friends, you dropping her could be devastating. so, even though you want to, i wouldn't just drop her. if you can, try and talk to her - if you've been best friends, you should be able to talk and understand eachother. say your point of view, and listen to hers too. don't yell or anything, jsut try and have a talk [in person]. tell her how you feel, but in a nicer version. like, "i know we've been really close, but i think we would both benefit from meeting other people, too." then, don't CoMPlETLEY stop hanging out with her, but try and make other friends to. in your class, maybe for a project you can ask someone else to be your partner. if you can work in groups, maybe you and your friend can try working with other people so you can both make new friends. try hanging out iwth other people, but don't completley ditch your friend - still hang out wiht her sometimes too. after awhile, when youve both made new friends, you may find yourself missing her, and your time together in which case you might stay best friends. or not.. maybe your just not right for each other. it all depends. anyway i hope i helped =] good luck with everything.

Q: I have been best friends with a girl for a little over a year now. Over this year she's changed a lot, in both appearance and personality. She teases and calls me names a lot, and I try to send her insults back to make her see that it hurts but she just gets ever madder and teases me more. I don't know if I should quit hanging out with her or just ignore it. What should I do?

don't ignore it if it bothers you, and don't quit hanging out with her - yet. talk to her about it. if she is your best friend she will understand and you should be able to talk to her about these things. maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing and she means it in a joking way. or maybe not. either way, just takl to her and tell her that you don't like it/how you are feeling. give her time to change. after a while, if she doesn't, and it really bothers you, you gave her a chance. gradually start hanging out with others more. you dont deserve to be treated like that

Q: what do i do if my best is always braging about what she has and i dont have nothing so what do i do how do i tell her i dont wont to be friends

you don't need to stop being friends with her because of this. talk to her about it before totally ditching her. tell her how it makes you feel, and you don't like it when she does that. if she's a good friend, she should stop. if not, move on.

Q: This my new year, 7th grade, and I want to make new friends and stuff. But sometimes I feel like some of my friends are like settling.. and dont really wanna make more friends. I mean, they are good people, but they just arent like me and my personality. Sometimes some of them are like tired for no reason and it really annoys me, especially cuz i may sleep for like 4 hours and still be energetic in the morning. yah we have our differences, but i'd like to meet somebody who i can just really have a good time with, and know that they seriously are my best friend. i already have some.. but.. idk. i dont really care if they're popular or anything, just not like butt ugly or whatever, and have similar interests as me somewhat,and stuff. or maybe im just being too tough and 'not appreciating my friends' but sometimes i feel as though they're kinda.. um dull.

any tips on how to meet new people? i guess i also tend to settle, and i get a little shy around new people and dont really show them my real self till they get to know me and i trust them and feel comfortable around them and stuff. how can i be like more outgoing or something? thanks a bunchh.

also, what traits do you admire about a person?

finding a new best friend doesn't just happen in a second. it takes a while to deveop that kind of relationship since you want someone who is "seriously your best friend" - well, if you want that, it may take a little bit and not always come automatically.

i don't know why your friends being tired annoys you. maybe they didn't get enough sleep. especially with school and everything (if your in school?) people are tired in the mornings, you're lucky to be able to be energetic on 4 hours of sleep.

i think that you should try not to be so tough on your friends that you ahve now. branching out is good, and i encourge you to try and meet new people and maybe that special person you just clique with will come along, but don't ditch or totally stop hanging out with your old best friends. hang out with new people, and the old.

to be outgoing and make friends, just smile and be a happy person. ask people questions about themselves, or start talking about common interests.

traits i would admire in a person are outgoing, friendly, funny, trustworthy, honest, loyal, they can be their own person, and more.

good luck!

Q: For Halloween, my friends want to be Fantanas (there are four of us, like the Fantanas -- in case you don`t know what/who they are: http://sidesalad.net/archives/Fantanas.jpg). Anyways, last year, we all used to be really good friends, but now, one of them, lets call her Lola has been getting on my nerves really badly. She is very harsh to me and talks badly about me all the time. I really don`t want to be a Fantana with her, but theyve already got it all planned out. They all have outfits, I`m the only one that doesnt have one. Plus, they are going to go trick or treating, which I don`t mind, but I would rather go to a party. I told them we should throw a party, but the thing is I'm the only one of them that has any guy friends, so it would be a really lame party if they threw it.

haha! me & three of my friends are being the fantanas for halloween, too. anyways, since you already have it planned, you may be stuck with being a fantana with her. unless you decide to be something by yourself, but they might be mad at you and you can't exactly kick "Lola" out. if you want a party, and your the only one that has guy friends, you should throw it by yourself or get some other people to help you that aren't in the fantana group. they can just help bring food or set up or whatever.