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I feel ashamed for even bringing him up in spacefem, because now it seems to me like I did it because I want their and your sympathy, even though I'm barely affected. Now I feel like even typing this is a means to feed my own selfishness.
I've done this before, but in a different situation. A couple of years ago, I got attention from my best friend by making my life seem worse than what it was. I didn't lie, but I talked to her about things that didn't bother me anymore (abuse, depression, etc). Am I doing it again? I'm I really so selfish that I will use such a tragic event like my step brother's death/paralysis for attention? If so, what type of a person does that make me?
I blame some of this on solitude. I used to never see my mother or most of my friends several years ago (I'd call everyone so often that I ruined a friendship out of lonliness and depression). I'd wake up, go to school, come home where I would just watch TV, sleep, and not see anyone until my mother came home from work around midnight, sometimes even as late a 2 in the morning. So, because of this, I don't think I know how to interact with other people anymore. I blame some of it on this, but it still doesn't justify it.
So what do you think? (Indeed)
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Its not about sympathy - its about support. You obviously felt the need to outlet, or to have something, some kind of support. There isn't a single thing wrong with that. Even though you seem to think this is about attention - I don't believe that.
Sometimes, everyone needs a little attention, and just because that attention to you came when you needed it most (even though you don't feel that way) doesn't make it bad attention. I dont know if I'm making any sense here, but in my head it all works out.
I'll try to clarify this as best as I can - we all need attention, thats just human beings. I dont see this as you somehow using a tragedy to get it - I see it as you getting attention thats well overdue. If that makes sense at all.
If it matters - there isn't anything wrong with any of this, and I was very surprised when I read this, because its almost crazy to feel so guilty when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
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Thank you, I feel a little better now. I think I've lost the ability to recognize what I'm feeling. That is, if I had the ability in the first place.
I guess now you get a sample of what goes on inside my head. You're one of the few. |
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