A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Hi there. If I wanted to have sex with my 17-year-old boyfriend of 3 years (I am 14) and he was not forcing me or bothering me with the question (actually it was me who wanted to) is it wrong?
Is it illegal if both the 17 year old and the 14 year old are BOTH consenting?
DISCLAIMER: Even though I used myself as an example, I am not saying that i plan on having sex yet! I promise! (link)
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Depends on the state. Google "age of consent laws in _______" with the ______ being filled by your state.
Some states 3 years is alright, some states it's not. Generally if you're both under 18 there is no law against it but once he turns 18 it's possible that it could be illegal and it's possible that it could not.
More than exactly 3 calendar years to the day between your ages is illegal pretty much everywhere in the US once one of you is 18 so far as I know. Under 3 years is legal in some states and illegal in others, while 2 years or less is usually legal no matter what.
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I have been in a relationship for four and a half years now with a wonderful, handsome, loving, huge hearted man who I love more than anything and plan to marry. My dad doesn't take the relationship seriously and my aunt told me about some negative things my mom told her about him. My dad tells people that he used to worry about me and my sister getting married too young, but we'd have to find somebody to marry first, so he won't have to worry for a while. It makes me feel bad because not only is he saying he doesn't have faith in my relationship, but he's making other people think the same way. I plan to get married before my sister who is 20 months older than me, but my dad tells people that at one wedding, when the father had to give the bride away, he almost started crying thinking about when he'd have to give my sister away, expecting that she'll get married first. That says to me that not only does he have little faith in my relationship, but that he won't be ready for me to get married when I do. I'm worried that when I tell my parents I'm engaged, they'll be unhappy and talk negatively to people, or that they'll do or say something that hurts my feelings. (link)
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Personally I'm the type of person who'd flat out issue an ultimatum. I'm a guy so it's "she", but I'd be pretty much "She's my choice, and I really don't give a damn what you think. What I do care about is you talking about my wife behind my back, so you're going to fall in line and get behind my relationship or you're going to drive my family away from yours."
Tell them that talking to other people about their opinions on your relationship is out of bounds, that they are your parents and you expect them to support you outwardly to other people and raise any concerns they might have privately with you like they'd expect of you. Express that you are an adult and you aren't going to tolerate them gossiping behind your back about the man you love and have chosen and that if they continue to do so you're going to have to make it explicitly clear to every member of the family that they don't have a goddamn clue and are just being judgmental assholes.
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I have reached a point in my life where I no longer have any answers. Which is why im searching for advice from others.
21/F I have been engaged (i know im young) to my boyfriend since February. Because we are so young we decided to make it just an engagement and not set a date for a long time, until we graduate in two years maybe, but he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We have only been dating for two years but I do love him.
Now, I know myself to be the kind of person that does anything for my loved one. It's always come back to haunt me, because people tend to get used to/take advantage of this. I have my faults, everyone does. I am absent minded and sometimes too sensitive. I know this. But this is why I am asking the advice of a mature male outsider to understand whether this is me being sensitive or there are actual red flags here that I should take seriously.
So now the issue. Ive always noticed that my boyfriend had a mean streak. Never with me but he was very sarcastic and rude and very unaccepting of people. His thing is that he is very smart and doesnt really like people that are not and doesnt respect them basically. Now towards me typical story he treated me very well, almost like a princess for the whole time we were dating, until he got depression. Those 6 months struggling with it were the hardest months being with him because he was unbearable. Why I stayed i really don't know. it was only a year into the relationship. He appreciated that I stayed and fell in love with me more, and then said he wanted to be with me forever. He got better, but since his depression, nothing has been the same. What i noticed before in him was this desire to help people. which was good. people he liked he would go out of his way for. Including and especially me. But not anymore. He has become selfish. Not with his friends, but with me. He has always been very stingy with his money, but lately our relationship has been 50/50. Everything we do I pay for myself and he pays for him only. always. and if he pays for me he always writes it down and asks for it later. I know in this day and age with women asking for equality its something that is considered normal. But in my opinion and from what i notice in other relationships, the man does sometimes pay for his grilfriend just because he wants to. OR at least does something nice for her because he wants to. I dont get that anymore.
Another thing is I have tried to explain this to him. Have tried to talk. Ask him if hes still depressed he says no. My issue is I cry very easily and this has proven to be my downfall because I cannot express to him what i mean without getting emotional over it. Another reason I do is because he is very cold now. I feel like he checked out, and doesnt really see me as the person that loves him that is trying to communicate openly and just as someone complaining to him and emotional. And thats terrible. Because all I ask is for open conversation and comfort when I am hurt and he refuses to give me that. Hes told me he doesn't like emotions. but not even comforting the person you love???
Lately its been so terrible for me I feel like i am trapped. I cry a lot when he does selfish things and each new thing makes me more and more worried. I said I wanted to be with him foever, but I am truly starting to notice the person that he is. We have a whole vacation coming up that we have invested a lot of money in and not to mention, I have a ring on my finger. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should leave? Obviously I dont want to because I love him and I know he loves me. But these things I am starting to notice are really scaring me...is this who I want to spend my life with? How can I talk to him so he listens before giving up on him? And am I really being sensitive or am I right in thinking something is wrong? Be honest. I have tried to make this as unbiased as possible, not only giving my point of view. I cannot speak for him but I think he is annoyed that I am hurt by his recent actions which he probably sees as fair. Hes annoyed that i am trying to talk to him about it and end up crying a lot. No man likes that. it may have made him closed. but what can I do, what should I say...to get him to see that I just want to be happy also. I want to feel special and comforted and important, just how I make him feel. I have been told and know I am one of the most loving/understanding people ever. I always give and maybe thats what im doing wrong? I am just confused here if you could help me maybe make sense of all this it would really help me. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this that wont be biased and tell me "why are you still with him" because they are my friends. Thank you!!! (link)
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I'll start simple. The money thing.
I, myself, have never valued money much except as an means to an end. My wife is the same way. Paying for things was just "who's got money this time?" and there were no records kept or awareness of who paid for more. We both willingly covered each other.
As I understand it, this isn't entirely normal. I was willing and ready to pool resources entirely and treat any money we had as "our" money once things got serious and especially once we moved in together. Now that we're married, it hasn't changed, we just use our money to do what we need to and talk to each other about purchases and communicate so we can keep track of what we've got (which has never been much).
The thing that makes me think about your relationship is the fact that there was a change. It wasn't that the ground rules were always there and now you're not OK with them, it's that without warning he changed how he dealt with money between the two of you. And, honestly, splitting every single thing 50/50 to the point of asking you to pay him back when he covers you is on the other end of the spectrum from me. I may not be normal, but neither is that.
This issue is pretty important. Differences in opinion over how to handle money is in like the top three reasons cited for divorce, the other two being infidelity and children. Maybe top 5, there might be another reason above it, but it's up there.
The communication is worse. You need relationship counseling. He sounds like he is resistant to communication, communication which you very apparently need to happen which is not happening. I cannot off hand think of anything to suggest you do with just him and you that will be sure to work. Maybe you can talk him around, maybe you can't. Keep trying to talk, explain that you need to be heard, but the best result is going to come from a third party who's educated and trained to handle these kinds of couple's issues.
The coldness is damning. That, right there, is grounds for ending a relationship. The death of empathy is the death of the relationship. Refusing basic emotional comfort? It's like you're dating, but you're alone. It kills intimacy, and soon all that's left is a room mate who you have sex with when you're in the mood, which will probably be less and less as you feel less connected to him and that'll just be the final nail in the coffin of this relationship when sex becomes an issue too.
The bottom line here is that he's not meeting you half way. There is no compromise in what you described, and relationships are about supporting each other in all things. He seems to want you to support yourself, deal with your own shit, and come to him...when? When he's horny? When he's the one who's hurting and feels like showing it?
He needs some therapy. The coldness, the "he checked out" thing you described, sound like someone who still is depressed. That's a delicate issue there, telling someone else who thinks he's just fine that he needs therapy... I would venture a guess that he'd take your concern as an insult because he's a big boy and he can handle his little emotions.
Either he hasn't grown up enough to realize that hiding your vulnerabilities and flaws and pretending that they aren't there cuts you off from people, or he's got issues that make him scared of vulnerability and being cut off is exactly what he wants because then no one can hurt you.
I couldn't tell you which but whether he's just behind in maturity or carrying emotional baggage it's not something you can fix in him or get him to fix. He's got to realize he's got an issue and want to be different.
Suggest couple's therapy. Write out your perspective in a letter if you have to and give it to him and tell him you wanted to communicate clearly without getting emotional and you can talk about it after he's read it. Make it clear that you need this to happen one way or another.
If he absolutely refuses to try, you've pretty much got your answer. If he doesn't, talk to the therapist you settle on (might take a few to find one you can both talk to) and tell her about your concerns and his depression and try to figure out if you can/how you can bring up him seeking some therapy for himself outside of your relationship counseling.
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(I'll really appreciate if you actually read this before answering, to really understand what I'm saying. and I hope you won't try to attack me in your response, if you disagree with me. Just let me know what you think in a civil way, as I've tried to be here. I'm always trying to become a more tolerant, and compassionate person, in conjunction with having my Catholic faith)
It makes no sense. Marriage can be recognized by the state, and not by a religious institution. I'm Catholic, and if I wanted my marriage (to a man, since I'm straight) to be recognized by the Catholic church, I'd have to have it be in a church. Otherwise, the church would not recognize it. Since a same-sex marriage would not be recognized by most, if not all, religious institutions, I don't see what is threatening about it, at all. You can't say you're accepting of gay people and their relationships, but not want them to share the same benefits married couples have, in terms of their legal rights. It's just hypocritical. This doesn't affect traditional marriage in any way.
Many traditional marriages aren't even tied to any religious institutions, or if they are, may not even be recognized by your own religious institution (like a Presbyterian couple's marriage wouldn't be recognized by the Catholic church, for example). Not to mention, the countless amount of people who violate their wedding vows, even if their marriage is apparently "rooted in their religious faiths". But despite all this crap that goes on, the concept of a religious, sanctimonious marriage is still pure.
Just like, despite all the human errors Christians (and everyone else) have made, I still believe in the concept of Christianity. And we're not supposed to be assholes to other people for having different views. We're supposed to love and be supportive of everyone, no matter how different they are from us. Everyone is facing their own battle. Focus on "the man in the mirror" and work out your own problems. Yeah, I believe my religion is the best, but I try to show that by being a good person to others. All the Christians who blast gay people and everything give Christians a bad name, in my opinion. There's still a lot I have to understand and interpret about the Bible to form my beliefs on things, but this is the point I'm at now. I feel like God would want us to feel sympathy for gay people, and treat them out of love (since I believe it's a natural phenomenon), just like anyone else facing any kind of affliction. I feel bad for saying it's an affliction, too, since I'm sure many proud gay people would disagree would that, but I can't change what it says in the bible. but that doesn't affect how i feel about gay people. a couple of my close friends are gay, as well as some of my most favorite musicians, that I look up to. It really pisses me off when they get flack over trying to find love, in the only way that makes sense to them. if they believe in god, and are good people, i'm pretty sure they can get in heaven just like everyone else, because homosexuality is just like any other sin people do everyday. but by supposedly "good" christians, jews, muslims, etc. constantly blasting homosexuals, all their doing is forcing them away from their religions, which is ironic, because they're supposed to attract people to their religion
sorry for the tangent there, but yeah. i don't get why religious institutions, especially churches, are getting so up an arms about this issue that doesn't affect them one bit. it's especially interesting, as a black girl, that many churches with predominantly black congregations are extra against gay marriage, because it reminds me of when not too long ago, they were marching for civil rights. to be treated equally in the eyes of the law. so much irony, it's crazy
america needs to wake up. don't want a gay marriage? then don't have one. it's your life, do what you want. so much for america being the land of the free, home of the brave. i'm just proud of obama for doing what he did, and hope that his message helps other people to start evolving on this issue too, as I have been, through the years. It's funny though. I say this, my current views, and yet I'm afraid of offending someone in some way (link)
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The first and most crucial answer lies in the concept of Authoritarianism.
For the long version, go to this link, it's a really interesting read http://home.cc.umanitoba.ca/~altemey/
The "whole book in PDF" on the left side is what you're looking for.
What this first part comes down to in most basic terms is that many people are arrogant, entitled, selfish, and judgmental. These four things in combination cause them to believe that they have the right, privilege, and sometimes even the duty to enforce their worldviews upon other people. Through whatever methods they can manage, they endeavor to make other people think like they think, act like they act, accept what they accept, and reject what they reject. It's almost like a massive group insecurity complex where people prove that what they feel and believe is valid by convincing themselves and everyone else they can that everyone who feels or believes otherwise is wrong. "If everyone else but me is wrong I must be right, and if everyone I pay any attention to agrees with me I'm right then too!" basically.
The second part is about religious control. People tend to band together and be motivated when you provide them with a common enemy. Gay people just make for a really convenient common enemy. They're a minority group, they're misunderstood, they want things.
All it took, given the above, was a few well chosen catch phrases like "homosexual agenda" to make it seem like the desire for equal rights was some kind of insidious satanic crusade against the rest of the world and a metric fuckload of lying about everything that has anything to do with gay people and American Christians had a great bogeyman to scare the ignorant masses of their congregations and convince them to participate more readily because "the gay people are trying to gay up your America and turn your children gay and cover the country in pink paint" or something.
Stepping back from that stance even an inch would be basically admitting that the last several decades of anti-gay crusading has all been lies and bullshit. Sure, there are plenty of people who wouldn't care either way because they'd never look at anything involving religion with a critical eye, but there are plenty of people who would step back, realize that they'd been lied too for years, and raise their kids to be skeptical enough of religion that the following would thin even more than it already has.
The third part really boils down to dogs pissing on trees to mark their territory, only with humans and politics and things like marriage. Muslims, Jews, and Christians have been in conflict over Jerusalem for a long, long time. Everyone says "that's my holy city!" and they can't share because having it be two different group's holy city makes it less special in some way that no one can really define but that many people are willing to die over.
Marriage in the US is no different.
You seem intelligent so I'll risk offending you. Your religion is a sham. So is every other religion. I'm not so arrogant as to pretend I know whether or not there is a supreme being (or five billion of them or something) but I can tell you with absolute certainty that the judeo-christian god is a complete and utter falsehood created by man.
It says in the bible that god made us in his image. The truth is that we made God in our image, to impart some level of divinity to human nature as is convenient for people to say "this is right because God says so and there's nothing you can do about it"
For the vengeful, so is God. For the merciful, so is God. For the loving, the hateful, the strict, the bigoted, the charitable, so is God. Religion takes on so many forms because everyone wants God to reflect how they feel about the world and everyone wants to believe that God is more like them than like the other people down the block.
That, and people want to believe that there really is a plan. There is not. The world is arbitrary. Some good people have good things happen to them, some good people have bad things happen to them, some bad people have good things and some have bad things happen to them too. Shit just happens, propelled by the chaos that is human interaction and the universe we live in.
God was our invention because many people simply cannot live in a world where the only things that actually matter are the things we choose to value. They can't handle the unstructured truth that reality is. So they invent an immortal divine person who says that the things they believe are right and throw in an afterlife along the way because hell, who wouldn't love to believe that some part of them is immortal?
I don't expect you to just believe me or anything, but maybe in ten to fifteen years when you're a hell of alot more cynical some of what I just said will percolate back up to the top of your brain.
There comes a point in many religious people's lives (only those above a certain IQ, generally) when they doubt doubts that cannot be dismissed or explained away. They face a choice at that crossroads, to bury themselves in denial and refuse to allow doubtful thoughts to intrude, or to go where those doubts take them and modify their beliefs or abandon them entirely based upon where those doubts lead them.
Here's to hoping you don't take the denial route.
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First off, I want to explain that I love my boyfriend very much. He is an amazing man, I care about him a lot, and I know he has both of our best interests at heart.
Before we ever met, both he and I had committed that we would not be involved with any partner sexually before marriage. It is clear that even though he is a a grown man (22), he wouldn't have very much experience with orgasm, and of course I don't know much about it either.
The other day, we were at a park sitting close together, and kissing a little. We were sitting there talking and such for a long time, but when we had gotten up, he noticed he had a wet stain on his pants...which he was super embarrassed about and explained to me it was an "accident" and that he really really likes me so sometimes its difficult.
Now I know this is really embarrassing for him so its awkward for me to talk to him about it, but I do have questions. Is this normal for guys to experience? Is there anyway to stop this? Is there something I am doing that is causing this? Will he ever grow out of this? Will he ever be able to last during sex? He says sometimes it happens and he doesn't even notice...does it count as a orgasm then if he isn't FEELING it?
I love this man so dearly and I want him to be happy and healthy. I hope someone can answer my questions! (link)
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Adviceman hit it pretty much on the head. It's not all that common unless you're a virgin with no sexual outlets like masturbation.
It's not even necessarily an orgasm. Men secrete precum when excited pretty commonly, he's probably just getting excited and leaking a bit. Satisfying himself sexually before he goes out with you will probably go a long way towards solving the problem. Having sex will probably fix it entirely.
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Well my dear boyfriend wants to buy a vibrator for me to use when having sex with him,wtf?Out of the blue he comes up with this.What does it mean?He has a nice and huge p****,so why does he wanna get this thing?I'm not saying I don't like sex toys though,but this is a bit weird,help? (link)
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He probably thinks it would be fun to watch you use it. Ask him if you're not sure.
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I know it's kind of personal but how did you know when you were in love? What things did you notice? Do you feel good knowing you were in love? How old were you the first time you were in love?
I am using these answers to help figure out my own feelings. Thank you! (link)
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Being "In Love" is a decision. Not a feeling.
You feel infatuation. Lust. Affection. And yes, you can feel love. But being "in love" is not the same thing as feeling love. You feel love for family, for friends.
Being in love is about choice. When you say "I love you" you are saying "I choose you".
Everyone feels things differently but everyone also passes the point where saying "I love you" means "I choose you" rather than "I feel love for you". When you realize that you just said "I love you" and it meant "I choose you" you will know you're "in love". It doesn't have to be a permanent choice, it's just the connotation that comes through in what you mean when you say the words to someone you're with.
Anything short of that is mostly infatuation and lust.
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I'm 13yrs and a female duh, and I want a boyfriend, my friends make up bfs caz i never see pics and I want 2 be the 1st of me frineds 2 have a hot, sexy bf, what do I do to get a boyfriend? (link)
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Be less shallow would be an amazing start. People are not trophies you get to upstage your friends. Unless you want to go find a guy who will use you as a trophy to his friends. Then you can be each other's eye candy and learn absolutely nothing about life and relationships except how to be shallow and unhappy.
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my girlfriend is a virgin and she scared to have sex with me because shes scared her parents find out and shes still 15 , tell me some ways to convince her into having sex with me please (link)
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Today's word of the day is "Objectification"
Objectification's basic definition is "making something into an object/a thing"
This is important in context with relationships because people are not things. You use things, you don't care about a thing's feelings. A book is an object, do you care how it feels? Your computer is an object, you might even feel pretty attached to it, but if you won the lottery and needed up upgrade it you'd throw out the old one with hardly a second thought. The only reason it matters to you at all is because it serves a purpose, because it does something for you that you like. It's sole job is to be there to do what you want it to do.
Do you think that's how relationships work? Do you think that your girlfriend's job is to satisfy your sexual desires? What about her own? She is not an object. She is a person, with her own needs, wants, feelings, fears, and volition. She is every bit as much important as you are.
When you try to "convince" someone to have sex with you you deny them agency. Agency means the right to make their own choices. She has a right to not sleep with you. You have a right to go somewhere else and date someone else who will. You do not have a right to pressure a young girl into sex because you want to have it.
In this society we have a bad habit of treating women like sexual objects. A very bad habit. Women are taught that their role is to satisfy a man sexually. Children like you take it to heart and act on it and try to convince girls to have sex with them because they want to get their dicks wet. This is bad for everyone. It's bad for her because you are treating her like a thing, and if she realizes it she is going to be hurt. It's bad for you because it turns you into a self centered douchebag who uses people to get what he wants instead of treating fellow human beings like they are in fact fellow human beings.
Do not sexually objectify women. Do not convince people to have sex with you. If both parties are not ready, willing, and eager, sex should not be had.
For more details, please visit this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_objectification#Sexual_objectification_of_women
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What is a balance transfer fee? I mean how does it work, exactly? If I transfer from one credit card to another one for a better interest rate, then there is a fee? How much is it, and does it come out of the balance I am transferring, or do I have to pay the fee up front? (link)
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Depends on the institution, you should call customer support for the card you want to transfer a balance to and ask them about their fees.
Usually it is a fee you pay to the card you are transferring the balance to, and usually it is simply added to your outstanding balance. It might be a flat dollar amount, a percentage, or both. Sometimes it is up front but if you are specifically transferring a balance from credit card to credit card it is usually added to your outstanding balance because that way if you just keep making minimum payments they can collect interest on the fee as well as the transferred balance.
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I think I might be pregnant but I don't know when to take a pregnancy test so that it works best and gives an accurate reading! Can you buy pregnancy tests in advance or do they have to be used right away? (link)
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Usually take one a few days to a week after you miss a period.
Take it in the morning as someone said, it's when you'll get the most accurate result. And yeah, you can buy them in advance. Pregnancy tests don't really go bad, I don't think I've ever seen an expiration date on any of them. You can buy one now and use it in a few months and it won't make any difference in the accuracy.
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hi, im a 17 year old female. Im a Christian, God and i are really tight. im known amongst my friends as being the pure, innocent Christian one who would never hurt a fly. i have never drunk or done drugs, havent dated, and i neverrr swear. But, ocassionally i can get in the mood to satisfy some certain... wants.
you see, every now and then, ill read these manga with really lewd sex scenes in them on a website. some ofthem can get pretty graphic. now dont get me wrong, ihave never and WILL never masturbate. but every now and again, ill just randomly want to look them up. now, i have never watched sex animes or looked up real life porn. ive looked up manga, and read some certain dirty fanfictions, but never anything worse. ill only read them for about 15 minutes or so before i get this huuuuugely awful feeling in my stomach, and stop. then i proceed to immerse myself in as much innocent things as i can in orderto get those awful images out of my head.
im not trying to make excuses for myself or justify my actions, but im saying they're not as extreme other people's can be, and I am certainly nooot addicted to it. but... yeah.
can any Christian, or well, you don'thave to be Christian, people relate to what im doing or feeling? i just want to make sure im not insane. Thanks. :) (link)
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Everyone can relate to what you're feeling and doing. Sexual desire is a natural state of being for everyone past the age of puberty who isn't asexual.
The thing about Christianity is that you've been taught from a young age that these things are sinful and dirty and wrong, and so that's creating a conflict with your natural desires which leads you to treat this like it's something wrong with you as a person.
The truth is that what christianity tells you should be right runs directly counter to what everyone's natural inclination is. It does this because it allows religion to make you feel like there is something wrong with you that you need religion to address.
Plenty of Christians look at porn. Some people feel it's wrong, some don't. Plenty of Christians masturbate. Some feel it's wrong, some don't. Plenty of christians have sex outside of marriage. Some think it's wrong, some don't.
You can try to minimize and excuse your actions or you can accept that you were created with certain urges and decide what you're willing to do to satisfy them. Either way, you need to try to make some peace with yourself over it. Whatever you believe about how people should act, you aren't perfect and you never will be. Better to accept it and do what you need to do than drive youself insane over it and feel guilty because you don't measure up to a standard that literally no one on this earth measures up to.
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I know other celebrities of other ethnicities do it too, but black celebrities do it the most. It's so rare that when Viola Davis wore her natural hair to the Oscars, it was greeted with much surprise. Isn't that ridiculous? I'm black myself, with 4c hair, and am starting to leave it in it's natural state, after wearing braids with extensions my whole life, because I've just realized how stupid it is to hide my real hair under this plastic; pretending my hair is something it isn't.
I mean. celebrities can afford the best hairstylists to always have interesting hairstyles with their natural hair. It's just sad that natural hair is often seen as a "trend" or w/e, or just representing the Civil Rights Era, when it's not. I just think if celebrities were to accept and love who they truly were it would be a great inspiration to many other black girls, to embrace their hair. Cause hiding it under weaves and extensions is honestly just a form of self hate, as it's an effort to try and conform to European beauty standards. Not that it's wrong for someone to look like the European beauty standard, I just think that everyone should embrace the beauty they were blessed with, since beauty encompasses many looks - it's not just having (artificially) straight hair.
But since celebrities aren't doing anything to change this notion, it's sticking. I mean, even perms are sketchy, because of all the damage they do to hair. It's not healthy. All this just for a facade. It's just sad (link)
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You hit upon the right answer I think. Conforming to common beauty standards. What it really comes down to is that celebrities do not generally take many stands on principle.
I mean, think about it. Celebrities are who they are because they embrace the status quo, and generally do a lot to appeal to the mass consensus of what a person should be or look like. When Beonce is being touted as the most beautiful woman in the world it's not hard to notice that she is very light skinned for a black woman and has what I guess you might consider to be traditionally white hair.
Society generally goes against the idea of "embracing the beauty you were born with" no matter who you are. Especially if you're a woman. In addition to being more than occasionally racist it's also pretty sexist, as you can look very european but not conform without air brushing and dieting and make up and so on.
Welcome to the world we have created, where beauty is something to be created and refined rather than appreciated in it's natural state. This goes for just about everyone, but black women suffer more for it because the fact is that white sensibilities largely determine what is advertised as beautiful and attractive.
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My boyfriend wants me to move in with him. But I'm nervous. Other than the fact that culturally, many people won't accept a girl and a boy moving in together until they are married, there's:
- bathroom issues. Like after I go, I'm not gonna lie. It smells really bad. And also, I have a retainer. Sure its alright not to wear it for one night but I can't stop wearing it once I move in!
- I'm a virgin. Now I don't plan to like wait until marriage but really if I'm going to lose it then it will most likely be when we are living together. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing but we are still in school so I don't want it to be like a sex fest 24/7!
- What if I fart or say something embarrassing, etc when I sleep?!
- And there were so many more inquiries/issues that I had thought about but I can't remember it right now.
What is your take on this and please explain your experiences on living with your loved one. Obviously farting is natural and by the time married couples have kids its like nothing but i just don't know! (link)
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Wow.
You sound like you're 18 or 19. Whether or not you actually are is irrelevant, because from my frame of reference it's more about how naive and inexperienced you are than anything else, and you are loads and loads of both of those.
How long has this relationship been going on? If it's under a year, the answer is no, you have not been together long enough.
Here's my take on this. When you move in together, it shoves you into daily proximity with all of each other's flaws. It's intense, it doesn't go away, you can't just go home and cool off because he's going to be in the other room or worse the same room.
You HAVE to be past the honeymoon phase and into the part of your relationship where you get into fights over stuff to really have a shot at making living together work. Even if you are compatible and pretty right for each other, if you have not learned to fight with each other and stay together and make up while not living with each other moving in together will make it worse to the point that maybe 1% of compatible couples would be functionally capable of staying together.
Things like the bathroom issues become worse than you can ever imagine. People have ended relationships over things like bathroom issues, because when you can't escape it it becomes a hell of alot more important.
Also, on the sex front. You should definitely not live with a guy before you've slept with him if you're not waiting for marriage. Kind of like getting used to fighting before you put yourselves in a situation where you can fight every day, you should have sex before you're in a position to have sex with each other every day. Even the wait till marriage crowd specifically has the wedding night laid out as designated sex time (along with the following honeymoon) because they aren't so stupid as to live with each other without having sex.
You're a virgin. What if you're honestly not ready when you move in? What if you're not ready for a few months? What if sex is awkward and weird the first time (most first time sex is fyi) and you are laying in bed next to him unable to sleep and feeling self conscious and knowing there's no safe space in your little apartment you can retreat to to be alone for a while? You need space for that sort of thing.
Have sex. You're probably going to want to have alot more of it than you think you do, but most people aren't physically capable of having so much sex that it blocks out stuff like school. It's not a marathon even even if you stay in bed together all day.
As to the rest, it comes with time. You need to sit down and talk with him. I highly suggest that you tell him "I like the idea of living with you but I'm not personally ready to live with anyone who I'm dating yet, so give me a raincheck and we can revisit this sometime later when I think I'm more prepared" and then sit down and ask him what he thinks about compromise, raise your actual concerns with him and talk them out. Bathroom concerns, neatness, division of labor. You live together, who cooks? Both of you? Does one of you burn water? Does the other one who cooks well want to have to cook all the time? If one of you takes on the majority of one household chore can the other pick up some slack in another are? You cook and clean and he does laundry or something?
Feel him out for what he thinks about stuff like this.
One other suggestion. When you do get around to sleeping together, get naked and stay naked. Do not put on clothes again until one of you has to leave to go outside somewhere. Draw the curtains, close the blinds, and just be naked. Watch a movie, eat some take out, have more sex. Awkwardness vanishes really quickly when you get used to being around each other naked all the time.
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okay well my ex-boyfriend and i broke up but then i moved on after 1 month so now he feels the right to call me a slut and a whore and posts facebook status about me being a slut well i really need help with this because i want to hurt him but i want to be the mature one here but i dont think i can hold it anymore so i just need to know what to say to him so he can just leave me a lone
(link)
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Ignore him entirely. If you have to see him in person just smile sarcastically at him and tell him it's pretty pathetic how he's turned into a child because he got rejected and then walk away continuing to ignore him.
Act like you could give a shit less until you actually could give a shit less and he'll get bored himself and move on.
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Ok so I recently broke up with my boyfriend and he kind of flirts with my best friend, it bugs me but I dont really seem to mind much. He talked to me today and gave me a hug and said he loves me and started begging to get back together with him, he said that he cant move on, I said no because I dont want a relationship right now and he walked away upset and almost started crying, instead, I started crying. =( Btw, we were going to kiss today for no real reason but didnt because we kinda fought instead.
He sent me a message on facebook saying that he wants to kiss me tomorrow and everyday until he moves on and I said no because I dont want him to feel "the spark" if we kiss repeadidly and not ever get over me. I want to kiss him once but only once, should I? (link)
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No, you shouldn't kiss him. You're giving him hope. That's cruel.
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hi im only 15 and my boyfreing wants to fuck me
should i do that or just give him head.
personly i dont want to do nether wat should i do
? (link)
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If you don't want to do either you don't have to do either. Don't have sex with someone because they want you to. If he pushes the issue, dump him. Relationships at 15 years of age do not last long and are not meant to be anything really serious.
Assert yourself. Pushing for sex is at absolute best extremely rude and insensitive and at worst can lead to rape and sexual assault. Do not tolerate it, it's not your job to control his urges, it's his. If he won't control himself and act like a decent human being you should show him that people who aren't decent human beings don't get to have girlfriends and move on to someone who treats you with respect.
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18/f
I stopped taking my birth control while i was on my period, never started it again and I had sex 3 nights before the end of my period. That was 3/21 and i still havent gotten my period this month! Ive read that it could be an imbalance, like my body getting back to normal without the extra help from birth control pills, but ive also read that sperm can live in the body for up to 5-7 days. I know it sounds ridiculous, but i'm worried! help please!! (link)
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Possible, but extremely unlikely. If you actually are pregnant it should show up on a test by now, so go get one.
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Does it mean he might like me? He's criticized Megan Fox and Natalie Portman for not being good actresses, in his eyes, and shooed away one of the "popular" girls at school. I was surprised. He even indicated that he doesn't like how action movies did those typical things to appeal to guys, after I said I didn't really like most action films. Does this mean anything or am I just reading too into it? He often initiates talking to me, even though he's generally this quiet, loner-ish, guy who keeps to himself during class (we're both 17). Sometimes he seems a bit eager, like trying to catch my attention by jokes/random outbursts, or talking too much (which is funny because i'm normally an extrovert and he's normally an introvert. around him I feel more shy and anxious) and other times he's nonchalant (is that a bad sign?), but we have a lot of eye contact.. sometimes longer than normal. Idk what to think, or what to do. I feel like my liking of him has been obvious, as I pay him more attention than any other guy in that class, cause we sit right next to each other (honest coincidence), and I often smile at him and give him attention pretty often. If he didn't like me, wouldn't he be backing away from me or something? unless he's been completely oblivious? sometimes I feel like there's sexual tension between us, too, like when it's dead silent
(link)
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You know how you're unsure about what he's doing and what signals he's sending you? Your obvious signals are just as unclear to him.
Yeah, he likes you. He's trying to impress you and demonstrate that you're more interesting to him than other girls in a very bumbling and awkward way.
You should put both of you out of your collective misery and tell him you'd like to go get dinner and a movie or something sometime.
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so my best friend (along w/ some of our other friends from college) went on a road trip. we all got super drunk. when we got to a hotel me and my best friend got our own room (we are both girls btw) and were sharing a bed. she kept asking me to rub her back so i did then she asked me to rub her leg and i did. i was so wasted, my had accidently lingered too far up her shorts and i noticed she was super super wet, so i slipped my hand in and started to finger her. i know she enjoyed it she started moaning so loud. i fell asleep while i was fingering her, before she reached completion and she woke me up to make me finish. once we were done i went to sleep. its been two weeks and we haven't spoken about this. what should i do to clear the air? does this mean i am a lesbian? also i am college age if that helps at all... (link)
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Sexual orientation is not a three choice option. Most people are not entirely one orientation, but have a severe preference or can only connect emotionally to one gender.
Sexual experimentation is normal and harmless. If you feel the air needs to be cleared, bring it up. If it's going to be an elephant in the room you should bring it up. Before you do, figure out if it was something that just happened, if you're interested in exploring things with girls more (with or without her), or whatever it meant to you. That way if she's wondering about it you're prepared to answer anything she has to ask you about it.
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