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Living Together
My boyfriend wants me to move in with him. But I'm nervous. Other than the fact that culturally, many people won't accept a girl and a boy moving in together until they are married, there's:
- bathroom issues. Like after I go, I'm not gonna lie. It smells really bad. And also, I have a retainer. Sure its alright not to wear it for one night but I can't stop wearing it once I move in!
- I'm a virgin. Now I don't plan to like wait until marriage but really if I'm going to lose it then it will most likely be when we are living together. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing but we are still in school so I don't want it to be like a sex fest 24/7!
- What if I fart or say something embarrassing, etc when I sleep?!
- And there were so many more inquiries/issues that I had thought about but I can't remember it right now.
What is your take on this and please explain your experiences on living with your loved one. Obviously farting is natural and by the time married couples have kids its like nothing but i just don't know!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I'll start off with my experience, then I'll get onto my advice to you.
I was with my boyfriend for MAYBE 5 months before we moved in together. He was 26, and I had just barely turned 18. I lived in Colorado, U.S. and moved to D.C. to be with him. Yea, it sounds completely horrible, and anyone would tell me I was out of my mind and had no business doing what I did. But, that aside, I felt like I loved him and I knew that if we had to do a long-distance relationship I wouldn't be faithful and it would be over as fast as it started.
We did good for the first few months, and obviously I started getting aggravated, and we argued A LOT. But, we stayed together and worked on our relationship. We made it to our first anniversary, and to be honest I was completely shocked as to how fast the year had gone by. Even faster was the year to come, we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary and have schedules where we get our own free time to breath with out arguing too much, even though when we do we work it out...
I work part time, he has a full time job so we only get to see each other in the afternoons, after I get off, and on the weekends before/after I go to work, or when I magically get a weekend day off.
We started talking about being even more serious, We plan on getting married, and talked about where we want to live to buy a house afterwards. What we want with our lives match up decently, and I love him more than anything in the universe, he says he does as well so I'll take his word for it, but obviously I can't talk for him considering I'm not him!
So, here's the answers to your questions.
- As far as going to the bathroom goes, I'm sure he smells a lot worse. Unless he's a complete idiot I don't see why he wouldn't expect you to have bowel movements that smell bad.
Your retainer, he has to get over it. If he wants you to have good teeth, he'll deal with it. Just as well, I'm sure he has something he's embarrassed about and thinks you'll make fun of him for it, but you won't, even if you don't like it.
-I was a virgin before my boyfriend, too. He should respect that you aren't a slut and don't want to do anything until you're ready. After you are ready, I'm 99% sure you'll want it more often than he does, and you'll soon realize that he wants to build up the excitement instead of the same thing all the time.
-Farting... I refuse to do in front of him, but I'm very sure he's heard me in the bathroom, and probably in sleep too... maybe, most guys are really sound sleepers and if you worry about him hearing you farting in your sleep, you're going to be one tired person, as well as disgusted after you listen to him snore, fart, talk, smell his morning breath, his odor unless you force him to take a shower before bed, and everything else about him.
most guys think it's cute when you talk in your sleep... no matter what you say... unless it's about another guy. but you shouldn't have a problem with that. :)
-Don't worry about anything. If he is uncomfortable with how you are, it's obviously not meant to be. If you do move in together, don't pressure yourself into hiding who you are, and if he looks uncomfortable it's probably because he has a habit he probably thinks you won't like. So you're both just making big deals out of nothing.
Also, since you're both in school, it might be best not to move in together considering money will be really tight. I know a lot of people say that money doesn't mean anything, and can't buy happiness, but it really does help when at least 1 person is financially secure, and that doesn't mean the parent's money.
You don't need money to go out to fancy dinners every night, and do great things all the time, but just enough to get bills paid, and buy groceries. It's also nice to have some for yourself just in case you want to buy yourself, or him, or he wants to buy himself, or you something nice!! :)
If you think you're ready for a huge commitment of having to be around someone you must interact with every day, you can't go in your room and ignore him, then go for it!! :)
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Wow.
You sound like you're 18 or 19. Whether or not you actually are is irrelevant, because from my frame of reference it's more about how naive and inexperienced you are than anything else, and you are loads and loads of both of those.
How long has this relationship been going on? If it's under a year, the answer is no, you have not been together long enough.
Here's my take on this. When you move in together, it shoves you into daily proximity with all of each other's flaws. It's intense, it doesn't go away, you can't just go home and cool off because he's going to be in the other room or worse the same room.
You HAVE to be past the honeymoon phase and into the part of your relationship where you get into fights over stuff to really have a shot at making living together work. Even if you are compatible and pretty right for each other, if you have not learned to fight with each other and stay together and make up while not living with each other moving in together will make it worse to the point that maybe 1% of compatible couples would be functionally capable of staying together.
Things like the bathroom issues become worse than you can ever imagine. People have ended relationships over things like bathroom issues, because when you can't escape it it becomes a hell of alot more important.
Also, on the sex front. You should definitely not live with a guy before you've slept with him if you're not waiting for marriage. Kind of like getting used to fighting before you put yourselves in a situation where you can fight every day, you should have sex before you're in a position to have sex with each other every day. Even the wait till marriage crowd specifically has the wedding night laid out as designated sex time (along with the following honeymoon) because they aren't so stupid as to live with each other without having sex.
You're a virgin. What if you're honestly not ready when you move in? What if you're not ready for a few months? What if sex is awkward and weird the first time (most first time sex is fyi) and you are laying in bed next to him unable to sleep and feeling self conscious and knowing there's no safe space in your little apartment you can retreat to to be alone for a while? You need space for that sort of thing.
Have sex. You're probably going to want to have alot more of it than you think you do, but most people aren't physically capable of having so much sex that it blocks out stuff like school. It's not a marathon even even if you stay in bed together all day.
As to the rest, it comes with time. You need to sit down and talk with him. I highly suggest that you tell him "I like the idea of living with you but I'm not personally ready to live with anyone who I'm dating yet, so give me a raincheck and we can revisit this sometime later when I think I'm more prepared" and then sit down and ask him what he thinks about compromise, raise your actual concerns with him and talk them out. Bathroom concerns, neatness, division of labor. You live together, who cooks? Both of you? Does one of you burn water? Does the other one who cooks well want to have to cook all the time? If one of you takes on the majority of one household chore can the other pick up some slack in another are? You cook and clean and he does laundry or something?
Feel him out for what he thinks about stuff like this.
One other suggestion. When you do get around to sleeping together, get naked and stay naked. Do not put on clothes again until one of you has to leave to go outside somewhere. Draw the curtains, close the blinds, and just be naked. Watch a movie, eat some take out, have more sex. Awkwardness vanishes really quickly when you get used to being around each other naked all the time.
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It depends on how long you guys have been together. By the details from your question, I'm assuming it hasn't been that long. Like the user below me stated, you aren't comfortable around him; which will make things very difficult for you both when you move in together.
I'm 19, and my fiance is 18; We've been together for almost 2 years; His mom left him homeless, therefore my parents allowed him to move in with us.
Let me tell you, it isn't easy. Although we aren't faced with bills, and other finical stress; being around each other is stressful.
You really don't know someone until you live with them. And thats the truth! If you guys don't have a stable, comfortable relationship, than moving in together will mroe than likely cause you guys to split up. Let me tell you, my boy is so messy! drives me insane! he doesnt do anything but work and play games! although we live together, sometimes it feels like we barely interact with each other; but all in all, i wouldn't have it any other way!
I'm in college, and taking a psychology class, and statisic's show that couples who live together before marriage, end up getting a divorce-rather than those who live together AFTER marriage. Personally, I don't believe it, because you'd think if you can put up with each other before marriage (living together, ect) than marriage would become easier. The way my teacher explained it is, 'WHY BUY THE COW, WHEN YOU ALREADY GET THE MILK'. That to me, is a very good answer.
Personally, I'd wait until the relationship has developed, and you're more comfortable. Obviously your boyfriend loves you, or he wouldn't want you to take this big step with him (feel honored, most guys wouldn't make an offer like this! they like being alone, with no rules, ect)
If this boy really loves you girl, than the farts, the stinky bathroom, and the embarassing sleep talks, will not bother him. My fiance' farts stink so bad, and he does it the worse when he's sleeping! He talks in his sleep all the time, and sometimes I'm thinknig, "what the hell is he talking about!!!!?" haha, but after a while, you begin to ignore it, and it doesn't seem as major as your stressing about it!
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You're not 100% comfortable with him, so you should not move in with him.
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Moving in with some one is a huge change and a huge commitment. Make sure you are fully ready for the responsibilities you are about to sign up for.
As far as bathroom issues. You can get a glade spray.here are a few products you can look into:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I've tried this one and other scentes. def helps alot! 2 sprays max!
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Try some researching the glade products.
as far as you being a virgin. Wait till your ready. Just because you're living together. does not mean that you have to automatically sleep together. You two may or may not. but only when you both are physically ready. Living with a bf does test your strength of being together.
as far as farting when sleeping again use glade.
But most importantly. you need to talk about some of this stuff with your future room mate.
Hope this helps at least a little bit.
Xo.Jasmine*
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