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What can you do?
I have reached a point in my life where I no longer have any answers. Which is why im searching for advice from others.
21/F I have been engaged (i know im young) to my boyfriend since February. Because we are so young we decided to make it just an engagement and not set a date for a long time, until we graduate in two years maybe, but he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We have only been dating for two years but I do love him.
Now, I know myself to be the kind of person that does anything for my loved one. It's always come back to haunt me, because people tend to get used to/take advantage of this. I have my faults, everyone does. I am absent minded and sometimes too sensitive. I know this. But this is why I am asking the advice of a mature male outsider to understand whether this is me being sensitive or there are actual red flags here that I should take seriously.
So now the issue. Ive always noticed that my boyfriend had a mean streak. Never with me but he was very sarcastic and rude and very unaccepting of people. His thing is that he is very smart and doesnt really like people that are not and doesnt respect them basically. Now towards me typical story he treated me very well, almost like a princess for the whole time we were dating, until he got depression. Those 6 months struggling with it were the hardest months being with him because he was unbearable. Why I stayed i really don't know. it was only a year into the relationship. He appreciated that I stayed and fell in love with me more, and then said he wanted to be with me forever. He got better, but since his depression, nothing has been the same. What i noticed before in him was this desire to help people. which was good. people he liked he would go out of his way for. Including and especially me. But not anymore. He has become selfish. Not with his friends, but with me. He has always been very stingy with his money, but lately our relationship has been 50/50. Everything we do I pay for myself and he pays for him only. always. and if he pays for me he always writes it down and asks for it later. I know in this day and age with women asking for equality its something that is considered normal. But in my opinion and from what i notice in other relationships, the man does sometimes pay for his grilfriend just because he wants to. OR at least does something nice for her because he wants to. I dont get that anymore.
Another thing is I have tried to explain this to him. Have tried to talk. Ask him if hes still depressed he says no. My issue is I cry very easily and this has proven to be my downfall because I cannot express to him what i mean without getting emotional over it. Another reason I do is because he is very cold now. I feel like he checked out, and doesnt really see me as the person that loves him that is trying to communicate openly and just as someone complaining to him and emotional. And thats terrible. Because all I ask is for open conversation and comfort when I am hurt and he refuses to give me that. Hes told me he doesn't like emotions. but not even comforting the person you love???
Lately its been so terrible for me I feel like i am trapped. I cry a lot when he does selfish things and each new thing makes me more and more worried. I said I wanted to be with him foever, but I am truly starting to notice the person that he is. We have a whole vacation coming up that we have invested a lot of money in and not to mention, I have a ring on my finger. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should leave? Obviously I dont want to because I love him and I know he loves me. But these things I am starting to notice are really scaring me...is this who I want to spend my life with? How can I talk to him so he listens before giving up on him? And am I really being sensitive or am I right in thinking something is wrong? Be honest. I have tried to make this as unbiased as possible, not only giving my point of view. I cannot speak for him but I think he is annoyed that I am hurt by his recent actions which he probably sees as fair. Hes annoyed that i am trying to talk to him about it and end up crying a lot. No man likes that. it may have made him closed. but what can I do, what should I say...to get him to see that I just want to be happy also. I want to feel special and comforted and important, just how I make him feel. I have been told and know I am one of the most loving/understanding people ever. I always give and maybe thats what im doing wrong? I am just confused here if you could help me maybe make sense of all this it would really help me. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this that wont be biased and tell me "why are you still with him" because they are my friends. Thank you!!!
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I'll start simple. The money thing.
I, myself, have never valued money much except as an means to an end. My wife is the same way. Paying for things was just "who's got money this time?" and there were no records kept or awareness of who paid for more. We both willingly covered each other.
As I understand it, this isn't entirely normal. I was willing and ready to pool resources entirely and treat any money we had as "our" money once things got serious and especially once we moved in together. Now that we're married, it hasn't changed, we just use our money to do what we need to and talk to each other about purchases and communicate so we can keep track of what we've got (which has never been much).
The thing that makes me think about your relationship is the fact that there was a change. It wasn't that the ground rules were always there and now you're not OK with them, it's that without warning he changed how he dealt with money between the two of you. And, honestly, splitting every single thing 50/50 to the point of asking you to pay him back when he covers you is on the other end of the spectrum from me. I may not be normal, but neither is that.
This issue is pretty important. Differences in opinion over how to handle money is in like the top three reasons cited for divorce, the other two being infidelity and children. Maybe top 5, there might be another reason above it, but it's up there.
The communication is worse. You need relationship counseling. He sounds like he is resistant to communication, communication which you very apparently need to happen which is not happening. I cannot off hand think of anything to suggest you do with just him and you that will be sure to work. Maybe you can talk him around, maybe you can't. Keep trying to talk, explain that you need to be heard, but the best result is going to come from a third party who's educated and trained to handle these kinds of couple's issues.
The coldness is damning. That, right there, is grounds for ending a relationship. The death of empathy is the death of the relationship. Refusing basic emotional comfort? It's like you're dating, but you're alone. It kills intimacy, and soon all that's left is a room mate who you have sex with when you're in the mood, which will probably be less and less as you feel less connected to him and that'll just be the final nail in the coffin of this relationship when sex becomes an issue too.
The bottom line here is that he's not meeting you half way. There is no compromise in what you described, and relationships are about supporting each other in all things. He seems to want you to support yourself, deal with your own shit, and come to him...when? When he's horny? When he's the one who's hurting and feels like showing it?
He needs some therapy. The coldness, the "he checked out" thing you described, sound like someone who still is depressed. That's a delicate issue there, telling someone else who thinks he's just fine that he needs therapy... I would venture a guess that he'd take your concern as an insult because he's a big boy and he can handle his little emotions.
Either he hasn't grown up enough to realize that hiding your vulnerabilities and flaws and pretending that they aren't there cuts you off from people, or he's got issues that make him scared of vulnerability and being cut off is exactly what he wants because then no one can hurt you.
I couldn't tell you which but whether he's just behind in maturity or carrying emotional baggage it's not something you can fix in him or get him to fix. He's got to realize he's got an issue and want to be different.
Suggest couple's therapy. Write out your perspective in a letter if you have to and give it to him and tell him you wanted to communicate clearly without getting emotional and you can talk about it after he's read it. Make it clear that you need this to happen one way or another.
If he absolutely refuses to try, you've pretty much got your answer. If he doesn't, talk to the therapist you settle on (might take a few to find one you can both talk to) and tell her about your concerns and his depression and try to figure out if you can/how you can bring up him seeking some therapy for himself outside of your relationship counseling.
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