about

Hello All,
I am counsellor with over 12 years experience specializing in parenting, families, youth and mental health. I answer questions in a blunt and straightforward way so if you are looking for coddling or really touchy feely type advice thats not me I provide real solutions for your problems and concrete suggestions in other words I tell you the plain truth I don't sugarcoat.

I am really worried these days with the easy access to the internet and all the false information that is out there and the fact that people believe it!! So please ask first. I don't claim to have all the answers but I can claim that NOTHING will shock me you can try though :)

I look forward to hearing you thoughts and questions.

advice

What exactly is OCD, and how do you know if you have it?

The first answer is correct on a definition of OCD. As a professional I thought I would add that there are degrees of OCD, there are people who are so caught up in it that it controls their lives and all they do. There are also those who simply need their rooms a certain way, or need to double check that the stove is off or the doors are locked. Having OCD usually implys that until you follow through on the obsession you are "stuck" and cannot move forward with your day, plans or in extremely serious cases life itself.

In order to find out whether or not you have it you will notice intense anxiety and should talk first to your GP and if he/she feels its warrented perhaps a psychiatrist. If you do have it there are some new medications out there that work really well for alot of people.

Hope this clarifys things for you.

[view]

I'm trying out for a musical. It's going to be Peter Pan. I'm a Soprano, but I can also sing low. Just any song that comes to mind and would be similiar to the music in this play-list off for me. I'd prefer for them not to be so common, but I'd appreciate anything. No matter the range, I'm willing to try it out. I really like wishful songs-ballads.Also, if anyone knows of a site that has monologues from plays that are about one minute long, you'd be a lifesaver!!

Well a song that I once saw performed in an audition that blew everyone out of the water was "Reflection" it goes high and low and is a truly beautiful song and not one that will be sung by everyone else.

As for monologues here is a website I found.

http://www.stagepage.info/


Hope this helps.

[view]

For some reason, I find that running on the treadmill is much easier than running outside, like on an actual track.

For example, I can run for over 30 minutes nonstop on the treadmill, but I can only run for less than 15 on the track.

Anyone know why the treadmill is easier than running on the track?

The reason is probably due to the difference in what you are running on. You are not running on a surface that is as hard when running on the treadmill. Pavement is alot harder on your joints when running whereas the treadmill is a rubber type substance that has more give to it.


[view]

ok i am really really pale. and no matter what i do i dont get tan i burn and get more freckles. i have the darkest freckles you will ever see and theyre EVERYWHERE!! on my legs, arms, face, etc. any advice on how to get more color? i dont want to use the summer glow crap cuz ive heard it makes you look orange. please help im like the palest person at my school!!

Hey there, I am so white I glow in the dark!! Like you I burn, freckle and go right back to white. Here is what I do, I go to the tanning salon, start out at like 5-6 minutes and then build up from there. I actually tan this way, and it lasts. I use it when I am going on holiday to the caribbean or mexico. Like the sun though this is not healthy for you to be doing it all the time, so once you get a tan, just maintain it don't try to get darker and darker.


Hope this helps

[view]

I was dating a guy who joined the army, and he was scheduled to leave for basic training at the end of May or beginning of June. At the beginning of May, he started to ignore me. Wouldn't answer phone calls or anything. I had no idea what was going on, because I had seen him the night before he started to ignore me and everything was fine. This continued for about two weeks, until he finally answered one of my messages by breaking up with me. He was worried that it wouldn't work because he would be leaving for a long time after this year. He ignored me for another two weeks after that, and finally a few days before he left he let me know when he was leaving. I asked him if he would tell me when he was back, and he promised that he would.

I know from mutual friends that he is back, but he hasn't tried to contact me in any way. I don't know why, and I don't know if I should try to talk to him. I miss him so much it's almost unbearable, as a boyfriend, but even just as a friend and someone to talk to.

What should I do? I want him back in my life...I don't think that I will hear from him if I don't try to contact him first, and I really want to, but then I feel like I should respect his space because it's clear he doesn't want to talk to me, right? I am SO lost.

It sounds to me like he figured he was leaving and wanted to be free to meet and date others. I am not saying he isn't a schmuck just that he has made it semi clear that he wanted to end it. I think that he figured that it would be easier to cut and run then to break up with you at a later date.

As for his not calling you perhaps he made that promise so as to eradicate himself from having to talk or deal with you? He may have never planned to follow through on his promise.

He sounds like a total jerk, and as much as you miss him you are better to be rid of him now then to find out in a few months that he cheated on you or he just disappears. Your heart will heal and you will eventually meet the one you are meant to be with.

Hope this helps.

[view]

hi there. i'm a 15 year old girl, 5'2, with a 36DD bust. i also weigh 142lbs. the thing is though i dont think i look that heavy. i'm bigger framed than most of my friends i guess you could say, but i dont exactly have like..a HUGE stomach. i'm in proportion with my chest, haha. i was wondering if this weight was normal for my age. i've been to doctors and they all said i am overweight..but if i work out i'll gain more by building muscle. i want to get down to about 135lbs by october or sooner. so my questions are.

1. am i overweight? and by how much?
2. does anyone know of any good diets?


thank you all so much

First of all you need to keep in mind that weight is just a number and ask yourself what is more important how much you way or how you look? Everyone carries their weight differently so keep that in mind. Whether or not you are overweight is your choice, by this I mean you are probably borderline and if you carry your weight well I wouldn't worry about it. It should be about how you feel about yourself.

As for good diets, I have one that actually works and keeps the weight off it is not so much a diet as a lifestyle choice. It is called the GI diet, there is a book you can buy but here are the main points;
Eat 6 times a day breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack (if needed). Eat your biggest meal at breakfast, healthy snacks i.e. yougurt, fruit, granola, smaller lunch and even smaller dinner.

Don't cut all "treats" out, it is not a matter of eliminating them but of having a smaller portion and only once in a while. Also make sure you are drinking minimum 8 glasses of water a day. This really does help.

If you want more info please feel free to ask.

[view]

they are going to show this episode on a three year old obssessed with her looks...and I was just wondering what is normal age that many people start getting concerned with how they look?weight,height,etc...etc...

Every person is different and it depends largely on the environment to which a child lives, not only the parents but the other people who have an influence for example aunts uncles siblings etc.

The age that most children recognize looks and differences between themselves and others is 8-9 as this is the age that teasing starts to focus on looks.

By the way did the 3 yr. old have dysmorphia?? That is REALLY young!! Guess thats why she was on Oprah eh!

Hope this helps

[view]

Dear Sassysara,

I have a major problem. I am a fifteen year old boy. I am extremely responsible and I am currently number one in my class at my high school.


My problem: my parents never let me go anywhere. Whenever I want to do something with my friends, I feel like I have to be home early, because if I am home after 11, they make me feel so guilty. Not even 11, sometimes 10:30 even earlier. My parents do not like any of my siblings to do things. We cannot go away to college, we cannot do alot of things that other friends can do to.


Do not get me wrong, I do not want to drink, party and do drugs and have sex. I just would like to hang out and do normal stuff, I do not have to be a party animal.


I really feel like I have no genuine friends, because the only time I see them is at school. So during the summer, I am just at home, working or exercising.


Any ideas on what to do? Please! I really need advice! I can't take it anymore! I have tried talking to them, but they deny everything and just want me to be safe. While thats nice, I need some independence! Do you agree?

Hey there,
Yes I agree that a 15 year old boy does need independance. I think that while yes your parents are trying to keep you safe they are also probably scared. You say that they "make you feel guilty" the thing is though that no one can make you feel anything. It sounds to me like you are afraid of disappointing them and it is this fear that does not allow you to stay out later.

Here is what I suggest, make plans with your friends, stay out to a reasonable time, making sure that your parents are aware of where you are and what you are doing and when you will be home. This will show them that you are being responsible but at the same time if they really do have a problem with this then they will have to actually voice it if they do then this is the time for you to have the conversation about trust and freedom.

Now about College / University yes your parents have some say as they are probably the ones footing the bill BUT you need to attend the university/college that will allow you to receive the best education possible while staying within their means, again this may be a case of what you are allowing yourself to feel.

I know its hard but you need to assert yourself and show your parents that you are not only capable of having independance but you have earned it.

Hope this helps feel free to ask me anything else.

[view]

I think i have ADD and i am going to be tested for it before i go back to school. I have taken adderall a bunch of times before and that helped me. I was wondering though.. is adderall more for people with ADHD? Cause i dont think i have that. If i got diagnosed with ADD, do you think i would be prescribed adderall?

Be very careful with taking adderall as it has actually been recalled in Canada. What I have found works best in clients is a medication called concerta. You should listen to your doctor though as he will know what is best for you.


Hope this helps

[view]

Alright i am a 15 year old girl. im pregnant. i have a great boyfriend. i dont get along with my dad or little brother. my mom and dad are getting a divorce. i choice to move with my mom. and my little brother choice to live with my dad. just recently i started cutting again. i no its not good and i talked to my boyfriend about it and ive been trying so hard to stop but there is so much drama. i just cry and i want to do it so bad. but i can i promised my boyfriend i wouldnt. my mom and i are moving out the end of the mnth. so i wont have to put up with my brother or my dad any more. but thats to long i cry everyday! and i want to cut everytime i cry or get angry. i need help!! and im crying out for help. i dont want to go talk to someone. i have a fear of talking to someone i dont know! so hopefully you guys can help me!

Ok you have alot of issues going on right now. First of all you need to make sure that you are getting the proper prenatal care for your child if you are going to keep it, this includes vitamins and regular visits with your doctor.

Second issue is your parents divorce, I know that you are hurt and angry right now but you are stuck with your brother and father for life and just because you are having issues now doesn't mean that you always will, so don't close your heart to them completely.

Third issue, the cutting, every negative thought you have now is going to your child. Cutting is an addiction and although hard to stop it is as you know possible. Try to use different things to relieve your feelings of stress and anxiety I often tell clients to set up a room where they can go to yell, scream or break stuff. Also keep in mind that right now your hormones are not only going nuts due to being pregnant but because you are a 15 year old girl.

I know that you don't want to see a counsellor but honestly it would probably due you a world of good, a counsellor won't judge you and can't repeat anything you say its a safe place to vent.

Think about it. Hope this helps

[view]

Okay,... I don't know if this is in the right category, but...
I just put in a tampon for the first time. Do you have to take out a tampon before you pee? I have to pee while it's in. Is this normal?

Yes it is normal and natural. Just so you know there are 2 holes there, one where the tampon goes and one where urine exits the body.

Hope this clears that up.

[view]

I am bulimic. Does God hate me for it?
It's a sin.

No where in the bible does it say thou shalt not be bulimic. God is a loving God and he does not hate he may be sad that you are harming yourself and I would work on your problem, there is hope. You can recover from this and go on to live a full healthy life.

Here is a link for help, if you need to talk please feel free.

http://www.milestonesprogram.org/

[view]

40's(f)
I saw the advice you gave someone else with this fear and as I asked this question generally sometime ago, and got nothing in the way of a helpful answer, I thought I would ask you.
I have a phobia of vomiting, me or other people. I have tried counselling, hypnotherapy, NLP and confrontational therapy. Nothing has worked. I have run out of ideas on how to beat this. Do you have any other suggestions on things to try? If so, how? Thanks.

First of all in all the different types of counselling have you discovered the root of your phobia? Usually it is the biggest key to helping you to solve the issue. Now you also need to seperate your fear, there is a difference between other people vomiting and you vomiting. I as a professional who often works in hospitals can't handle other people vomiting, so leave that one aside for now.

As for you vomiting, without knowing why you have this fear I would suggest that you perhaps try cognitive therapy. I have seen it work on similar fears, basically this takes you back to events in the past where your fear is rooted and helps you to re-create memories so that your fear is no longer an issue.

I hope this helps somewhat, if you know the root of your fear then I may be able to give you a few other hints and tools.


EDIT***
So it sounds to me like your fear is more rooted in the fear of disappointing the men in your life and even sending them away, this is obviously sub conscious as your logical mind knows this won't happen. What I would suggest you do is first is to look at this a different way your husband gets upset not only because no one likes to see others throw up but because he hates seeing his wife ill or in pain. Also write out a list of worse case scenerios throwing up will not cause you to die, it will not cause you to lose the love of your husband its unpleasant yes but not life threatening. Write it on a piece of paper and put it somewhere where you see it first thing in the morning and last thing before bed.

Hope this helps a little.

[view]

Well I was wondering if you could share your first kiss or kiss stories with me like what to do during one where to have one etc. I haven't had one yet (obviously) lol but I was just curious to know if you'd share yours please




Thanks

B.
P.S I'm 13/F

My first kiss with my husband is actually a funny story and honestly it is the only "first kiss" I remember. We were sitting on the balcony to his apartment and talking and he leaned in to kiss me, my stomach went crazy and just as I closed my eyes his uncle (an older scottish man with a thick accent who was slightly drunk) popped out onto the balcony and asked us to check out the new tomato seeds he had bought. We both burst out laughing and now neither of us can look at seeds or tomatoes without laughing.

When you are having your first kiss close your eyes and let nature take over your body knows what to do so just enjoy the moment and don't worry about anything, he will be just as nervous as you are!

[view]

Hi myself and partner are not married and im trying to decide which surname suits him better mine or my partners

Jack Harte

Or

Jack Stapleton

Im Stuck with the name jack as it really suits him.

Id be grateful for your opinions

Thank you

Is there a reason you don't hyphenate? I think Jack Stapleton Harte sounds awesome. If you can't join the 2 names then I personally like Jack Harte, but that may lead to teasing at school (Jack of hearts...your such a card ect..) My husbands name is Jack and I agree its and awesome name!

Good luck.

[view]

ok you know those sores you get in your mouth? well a lot of people have them, and i guess they're not too unusual ...but i heard if you ever get these sores, you have that virus for ever. and its contagious. so does this mean you cant kiss anyone, without passing on the virus?...

(btw..ive never even kissed a guy before, but im just nervous about this..because i dont want to kiss anyone if im going to pass this on. thanks

ok you are thinking of cold sores which are caused by the herpes virus. You can get them from others or if you have had chicken pox they are caused by the same virus which you would have in your system (it stays there so you don't get chicken pox more then once). There is medicine you can buy at the drugstore or if you start getting them often you can tell your doctor and there is a medication you can take to get rid of them before they are even fully developed.

Also there is "cracks" which you can get in the corners of your mouth this is caused from lack of vitamin B12 and B6. Put caramex (you can by it from CVS) and they will go away.

Hope this helps.

[view]

My boyfriend is 18, he is out of school, has a GED and a job. I'm 14, in the 9th grade. All of my friends say that he is too old and that I'm "turning into a whore". He says he loves me and that he only wants me to be happy. Hes really sweet and I dont see what the problem is. My mom knows about the age difference, and she really hasnt said if she was ok with it or not. Do you think its ok? Also, I really love him and he says he loves me, is it possible to find your "true love" at 14?

My sister met her husband when she was 14 and he was 16, they have been married for over 11 years, together for 15 and have 2 awesome kids. So yes it is possible just rare.

[view]

ok, my dad owns a fifty foot boat, it's wooden, and it' was in really bad condition when he got it. He got it a year ago, and we have been down every other weekend since. (except winter and bad weather, and our tagsale) This weekend, we weren't supposed to go down on Sunday, and he was supposed to call our aunt to make plans so we wouldn't have to go. When we're down at the boat, we get crammed inside a little room, with a t.v. with cable. There usually isn't any food, and we're there for 6-8 hours. We can go outside, and check the marina out, but we have looked around a billion times. Lastnight he said we were going with him, and i asked what had happened, and he said he didnt want to deal with our aunt. Then I got upset, and slammed my door, and he came in and started swearing at me. Nobody deserves that, and if i ever have kids, i would never do that. Anyway, he yelled"I'll ******* stay home tomorrow, **** you, you little spoiled brat!" I don't know what to do. I'm sick of being yelled at, and hes sick of yelling.
Yeah, i don't like hanging out with my grandma, but what have we done all summer? I don't know who's right, me or my dad?
sincerely,
M.J.

Ok I had similar situations when I was a kid, and now as an adult and as a parent I can see both sides of the situation.

First your dad was wrong to swear at you, just because you slammed the door doesn't allow him the right to lose control, he is the adult and should know better.

I think that he is probably feeling that he works hard all week that for the family and on weekends he wants to have his own downtime. I would have a talk with him if I were you and explain why you don't like going and maybe you can compromise on him going either every other weekend or only staying for 3 or 4 hours.

You are not wrong to want time with friends and doing stuff you enjoy, but he is also probably frustrated. Try and set aside a time in the week to have a calm talk with him write up what you want to say first so you don't forget anything.

Hope this helps

[view]

I absolutely love the fact that the skinny jeans of the 1980's are back in style. My question is, where can I find a good and INEXPENSIVE pair? Thanks in advance!!

Here in Canada Old Navy has them for less then $40.00 right now (they are on sale from 60 or so) also I saw some in Walmart last week for 30.00. Not sure what you consider cheap but at the Gap they have really awesome ones as well but I think they are alot pricier.

Hope this helps.

[view]



General question. I would like to hear everyone's thoughts on the true nature of forgiveness:whether forgiveness is possible, or whether it is a man-made delusion. Any concrete examples are much appreciated.

Personally I am a strong believer that forgivness is possible. Its that forgetting is not possible. For example in my line of work there have been numerous occasions that I have been assaulted sometimes including breaking of bones, now I forgive these kids because violence is often all they know, BUT I never forget that they assaulted me, I keep it in mind and try to make sure that I am never off my guard again.

Forgiveness is a choice not an automatic and it is not a choice that everyone makes.

Hope this helps.

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
eXTReMe Tracker