Alin75's advice column

My husbband passed away two years ago and a long time friend of ours/ electrician we used on jobs contacted me and my children acting so concerned. After awhile i was taken by him emotionally not exactly love cause no one could take the place of my husband. A different comforting feeling. Anyway he always text me daily asking what im doing and wanted me coming over there anytime I had free time. Most of the time tho i was helping care for my mom and my mother in law cause she had lost her husband too my husbands dad eleven months after mine passed. Anyway this man would say things like your husband knew his mother did not care for you like that and wanted yall to move far away from his family. Also when that didnt work he tried to say my husband cheated on me at his house on several occassions and they all knew how could I have not. that is what he would tell me.. I still saw him for some odd reason but did not accept what he said about my husband because i asked all his friends and found out the lady he was claiming to be my husbands mistress was actually this mans girlfriend before him and i started talking to each other. Most of the time was texting alot and he knew what to say mean very nasty mean things to me and i would try to block him or tell him something was not right with him.. So alot of confrontations with texting even telling me he could careless how I felt didnt care about my family, no wonder my husband cheated on me, said i was a crazy gypsy and to go to you know where. But all of this was foul and mostly nasty words like whore and stuff. After trying to avoid his texts waiting on an appology for everything not once did he feel like appologizing he would just say miss you dont you miss me, come on ride over, one extreme to the next but i thought well maybe he will change but it gets worse each time and I found an article about sociopaths and I wonder if thats what he is he has all of the characteristics but im just not positive yet. Im 38 yrs old please help

Thing is though, we cant diagnose him. I doubt even a professional psychologist could diagnose him off a second hand account on the internet. Its particularly difficult when prior substance abuse combined with bad relationships are in the mix. The only possible answer is: maybe.

The fact is that either way, you need to stay away, no matter how hard it is. Clearly he is bad for you (and everyone else) whether he is sociopath or just a massive jerk.

If you need to understand him, this is the important part: this man, whether a sociopath or not, is trying to use you. He is trying to get something from you and he does not care how its done. He clearly does not respect your feelings (or anyone else's) in the slightest. For whatever reason his brain works this way, its all about him and his needs/desires.

Remember, he can only play mind games with you to the extent that you allow him to. For some reason you let him get inside your head, which is exactly where he wants to be. You have to kick him out again.

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I need to loose weight really quick. I already do soo much physical activity so working out is totally not an option. I am a 13 year old girl. Is anorexia a bad idea? Bullemia? please help.

Please don't.

Those are disorders that greatly damage your health.

Here is a graphical overview of what anorexia does:

http://www.womenshealthzone.net/eating-disorders/anorexia-nervosa/effects/

Here are the effects of bulemia:

- Tooth enamel erosion because of repeated exposure to acidic gastric contents.
- Dental cavities, sensitivity to hot or cold food.
- Swelling and soreness in the salivary glands (from repeated vomiting).
- Stomach Ulcers.
- Ruptures of the stomach and esophagus.
- Abnormal buildup of fluid in the intestines.
- Disruption in the normal bowel release function.
- Electrolyte imbalance.
- Dehydration
- Irregular heartbeat and in severe cases, heart attack
- A greater risk for suicidal behavior

(I got these from this http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/explain/bulimiaeffects.php site)

You have to understand that there are NO safe quick weight loss schemes. The ones you mentioned are the worst of the worst though.

Please, take the time to do it right. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. No matter how vital it seems that the weight must come off this instant, believe me its not worth the risks.

The only real way to do it is sensible, balanced diet with a calorie deficit (exercise too, but you already get that). Weight loss should not exceed 2 pounds per week, and thats for an overweight adult. If it goes too fast, the body will have a tendency to digest muscle and ruin your metabolism.

But I am getting off topic. So, please do not even consider either of those eating disorders.

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i m ma gf induldge in oral sex on 14th feb,after dat she had nt get her periods yet,her date was 25 i m woried it 1st nw can she b pregrnant????????wht could b d reason of her nt geting periods if she is nt pregrnat????????

I cant speculate about the reasons for missed periods... however I can say that there is no chance of pregnancy from oral sex.

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I'm an 18/f and want to start getting more fit. I never did any sports in high school except for the occasional jog or cardio aerobic routine. I'm not overweight (100 pounds)- just very unfit. 10 minutes of jogging gets me totally out of breath so I don't think I could join any sports team atm. Any tips on how I can get started? Thanks.

Well, I would say the best thing to do is to join a gym. There you will have access to a ton of equipment, plus it helps on the motivational side of things.

Now, everyone's concept of "fit" is different, but I can point out a few options you might choose.

1. Cardios: Of the equipment available at the gym, the stair climber machines are the best. They put very little strain on your joints while at the same time being weight bearing exercises. This means that they lead to certain adaptive mechanisms that strengthen your lower body in a way the other things do not (e.g. a treadmill on the highest incline will not have this effect).

This is an excellent place to start if you have the motivation. I say this because some people just cant stand certain kinds of exercise, and in that respect, the best equipment is the one that you are willing to use :)

Just make sure it is an independent action stair climber (where, if you push down on one step, the other does not automatically go up). Dependent action climbers are bad for the knees.

Three or more cardios per week (whether at a gym or outdoors, or wherever), of at least 20 mins duration, done at a pace where you can still have a conversation, will give you most of the health benefits of cardiovascular workouts. Beyond that, its a question of how "fit" you want to be, however everyone should do at least this, and many sports people who train at higher intensities do not get these benefits.

2. Aerobics classes. The advantage they have is that they come in different levels, making them beginner-friendly, and they are quite all-round in that they aim to hit your whole body. There are many variations as well. The disadvantage is that they cost more money :)

3. Weight training. A classic combo is weights-cardio. Weights offer the added advantage of increasing muscle and bone strength, improving metabolism, adding lean bodyweight, etc. Intense training of just some minutes a week has also been shown to have a major impact on preventing diabetes (most sports do this too). Oh, and do not worry about bulk... that takes years to build, particularly for girls.

Anyway, its an option if you want. A full body routine, done 2-3 times per week would be a great way to start. Either get a trainer to help or drop me a note and I can design a routine... however someone should show you how to do things right. I can link you to some sites, but it wont be the same.

4. Outdoors training like biking. How good it is depends also on where you live. But, if you have access to some good areas, it can be a lot easier mentally. The down side, depending on where in the world you are, could be the weather...

Walking (a preferred activity amongst many people) is not usually that great, because it does not elevate your heart rate into the cardio zone unless you are very unfit, very overweight, or quite old. So, while it is certainly better than nothing, it will not give you the same health benefits once your fitness level improves beyond a point where you are totally out of shape. Still, it may be a place to start.

Well, thats pretty much it. If you do join a gym, doing so with a training buddy is infinitely easier and helps one stick to things in the long run.

Otherwise how you piece it together is up to you. Just remember the 3 cardio base. The health benefits from just that are too many to list...

Good luck :)

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What do guys your age do for fun when they hang out together? (that doesn't involve alcohol)

Well, I am perhaps not the most typical guy, since my friends and I have not really "grown up" much in this respect - thankfully :) Not certain what other guys do since you tend to surround yourself with people with similar interests, but I can tell you what we spend our free time on. Not sure this all qualifies as just "hanging out" but here goes:

- Playing soccer (or other sports). Or watching if there is an important game
- Poker: this is probably the one that has the highest inclusion rate i.e. that almost everyone likes to do
- Roleplaying: you know, D&D and that kind of stuff
- Video games
- Watching movies
- Cooking: of all masculine things :D

Plus when weather permits (which over here is basically June-August):
- Spearfishing/snorkelling
- Fishing
- Camping

Apart from this I have my weight lifting buddies, but thats more of a chore than hanging out.

Well, thats about that.

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My kitty is ridiculously obese. Not even exaggerating, he looks like one of those photoshopped fat cats. I think he's like 27 lbs or something. Is he at risk for disease? My mum works at an animal hospital so.
Thank you

Yes, animals can suffer from the same types of conditions as humans when it comes to being overweight.

You should really begin to regulate his food. He will undoubtedly make a fuss, but its for his own good.

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I'm 18/f, I've been playing volleyball for about 10 years now. However about two years ago my knees started to give out on me. So I took the most awful year away from volleyball when I started college in hopes that if I took a break and rested the pain might ease up, it didn't. The doctor just suggested knee braces, but I'm so out of shape its not funny. How do I start training again and avoid losing my knee-power? Should I start slow and test the waters or just go for it? Any help would be appreciated.

-Hurt V-ball Chick

Most certainly test the waters rather than jump in. I am a bit surprised by your doctor's response. Normally when one is out for so long one gets forwarded to a specialist. Did you see a doc before you quit for a year or recently? If it was not recent, you might consider going again.

I am a personal trainer, but giving you advice on this is very hard because the joint still hurts you. If the doctor said it was ok to start a rehabilitation program then I guess you can, but be very careful.

Now, like your doc said, knee braces can help. I used them myself for some time. If they are high quality ones with metallic support then they can be quite effective.

I would suggest a combination of light weight lifting and some cardiovascular workouts before jumping in to volleyball - which is very high impact and will stress your knee to the max. By now, the muscles around your knee would be weaker than they were when you quit, making you more susceptible to over-straining.

If you start training, take it slow and be very sensitive to how your knees respond. I would suggest joining a gym and begin with a stair climber. Those machines put far less strain on your knees than running (let alone volleyball), and are also the best of the cardio equipment at strengthening the lower body. If that goes well then, after a few weeks, I would add some light weight training.

This way you can get into it gradually, get into better shape at the same time, and strengthen the legs before you expose them to real stress.

Good luck.

Edit: Oh, a quick note: It should be an independent action stair climber (which are most common these days). i.e. The kind where you can push down on one step without having the other one automatically come up. The others (dependent action stair climbers) are bad for the knees.

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What are the foods you eat that will my butt get bigger? My butt is too small! Help!

The answer below pretty much got it.

We cannot really control from where we lose and gain fat, its a process that is mainly controlled by genetics. So, its impossible to say when your butt will get bigger (and by how much) when you fatten up.

Otherwise, work your glutes. Here is a large collection of exercises:

http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/finder/lookup/filter/muscle/id/14/muscle/glutes

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Are there any facebook groups for people who love advicenators? Can I make one if there aren't any?

Here is one:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=3174690640

Not very active though as far as I heard.

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Im a 13 and a girl. I told my two guy friends I needed to go an I needed my basketball and they would not give it back. So I tackeled my friend Jim WHo is 15/m. Well He fell onto ice and started to bleed he called me an a*s, and threw my ball up the hill. I put my hand on his shoulder and told him I was sorry. But I feel awful and I dont know what to do.

If this is all that happened, there is no reason to feel bad.

Its ok to apologise and explain to your friend that you did not mean for him to get hurt. Tell him exactly what happened and how sorry you are.

However, in the end the entire thing was started by them not giving you back the ball. They were playing smart and ended up hurt (by accident of course). Its a shame, but it happens. Its a lesson for them for next time.

I know this wont make you feel any better, but it really was not your fault.

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18/f 5'4" 150 lbs i'm trying to lose 20 lbs. my plan for the past 3 days and weeks to come was breakfast: bowl of special k cereal with skim milk, lunch: either a spinach salad with italian dressing or a turkey, lettuce, green pepper and rach on whole wheat wrap dinner: spaghetti squash or tomatoes w/ chicken and whole wheat rice or i'll have a chicken salad with chickpee beans or stuffed peppers (ground turkey & rice). and also i'll throw in an apple and orange for 2 snacks throughout the day. and my exercise is running 2 miles everyday. I've been doing really good with this goal and was just wondering if you think it'll work and how fast i'd be able to lose the 20 lbs. thanks!

Well, this is quite good. The speed of losing weight depends on the quantities you eat, but I am more concerned that you are eating enough rather than too much.

So lets flip this around. Aim for weight loss between 1 and 2 pounds a week. Modify your caloric intake or exercise intensity accordingly. This also answers your "how fast" question.

I do have a few suggestions to your plan:

1. You can do better than special K (nothing wrong with it as such, its just not that great). Oats are a far superior breakfast which will also keep you full longer. Just a thought.

2. You need some more essential fatty acids, and particularly omega 3 which you have very little of. You can use supplements if you dont want to get them from foods (e.g. oily fish, walnuts, flax, etc). Should not be a lot, but it should be regular since they are important.

Otherwise it looks very good.

Good luck.

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Am I good enough? will i ever be thin & pretty? i'm so ugly , is starving actually helpful?

I agree with the answer below. Not eating is the worst possible thing that you can do. It sends the body into starvation mode, a survival mechanism designed to keep us alive (since it assumes you are actually starving). It then digests the part of your body which is easiest for it to use: your muscles. This is terrible, since muscles burn calories just to sustain themselves. This is one of the reasons for the yo-yo diets, i.e. fast diets that seem to get results but then cause massive weight gain.

So, whatever you do, dont do that.

I would give you weight loss advice, but your issue seems to be rooted in your self-esteem. I am not an expert in that area, particularly not for girls, but it seems to be something that many teenage girls go through. If it is bothering you to this extent, I would strongly recommend you talk to someone.

I can tell you that being extremely thin is not necessarily a measure of being pretty. Certainly not from many guys' points of view. Another thing, I would never equate being "good enough" with how one looks. There are so many more important characteristics that totally overshadow physical appearance.

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Is it weir for girls to like playing on like ps3's and play black ops or shit like that? Like i dont get why everyone has a problem with it

Are you kidding? Finding a girl who likes video games is most guys' dream lol...

And even if it wasn't, you do what you enjoy doing. Period. Its nobody's business but your own.

I know that playing a game in a male dominated environment (particularly if you play online) can be really nasty at times. I used to be quite the Counterstrike player, and we had a girl in one of the clans I played for... holy moley the abuse she would take from other guys. Unfortunately teen guys hiding behind their monitors can be real jackasses and quickly get that whole pack mentality thing going.

I dont know from your question if you have experienced this. If you have, you simply have to ignore it and remind yourself they are just being stupid.

For that matter, ignoring it is what you should do whenever anyone has a problem with it, no matter what the setting.

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when i am in school, all i feel is bitterness to people especially to my classmates and friends. i have friends in our room but i think we are not really good friends, just a companion. I cant feel their presence at times you really need a friend. We just have a happy time always. and i think that they will not be there when you need them. (do you think im being selfish for not thinking that we are friends?) i have to that conclusion because i cant accept and i feel irritated to their attitudes at some points. I think they are being competitive and friends are enemy when it comes to grades. Also, i dont feel the tight of being friends. you know? i have good friends, an i know what i feel whether and its a good feeling. a feeling of "friendship". do you think its right?

Well, whichever way you play it, friendship is a two way street. Both parties have to be there for the other.

I partially disagree with the answer below, or at least the part that implies that friendships often end when things change. I am 36, I have two friends I knew since I was 7, one from when I was 8, another from when I was 13, and many from high school. And I am talking really good friends. The relationships survived people moving abroad, getting married, having kids, you name it.

But the point is that the friendship has to be right. Its ok to be competitive with your friends as long as it remains friendly. Its not ok to regard them as enemies no matter what one wants. Thats not friendship in my book. If you feel bitterness towards your friends you should really figure out why. Is it something on your end or on their end?

Of course, we are all different, and I have met people who never really get very close friends. Its all ok as long as you dont hurt anyone and you are happy. But, that being said, close friends (the kind you would trust with your life) are great to have.

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how can i tell who is a good fortune teller i had someone come to my home she ask for a lot of money and now she is asing for more money. i am very afaid if i do not give to her she will put a curse on mr

Don't be afraid and do not give her more money.

Next time she comes asking, tell her that the James Randi Educational Foundation will give 1 million dollars to anyone who can prove ANY kind of supernatural (etc) ability under observable conditions. She can make a lot more money from them if she is actually for real.

She will, of course, just ignore you because there is no such thing as a genuine psychic - just better and worse frauds. That prize has stood for decades and no one in the world has even come close to winning it (even though psychics and fortune tellers do seem to need a lot of money...).

I realise that my point of view will clash with what you believe. However, these people only have power over the ones that believe in what they do. There has never been any sort of documented and verified supernatural ability that I have ever heard of. Every single time they are put to the test, they fail.

So honestly, dont worry about it.

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Im a girl in her early teens.

I have a great personality, socialbe , talented , outgoing and etc . I'm very mature for my age . I'm just amazing , soo here its come I dont go out with boys my age usually older, and lately they just been worrying about my age how old is the age difference suppose to bee bye 2 years ? 3 years ? Idkk Please Help Me -__- .

The age difference matters a lot more earlier than it does later. Thats because at your age kids evolve a lot, both mentally and physically. Now, thats not to say that someone cant go out with an older person, but people by nature will tend to look down upon it and often assume that the older person is taking advantage of the younger one (or that he is something of a loser).

I am in no way saying I agree with this, just pointing out how others look upon it.

And thats without even going into the subject of sex and the potential legal implications.

By the time you reach your mid twenties, the age difference can be quite big without anyone raising an eyebrow. At your age, usually people will start noticing if it is greater than a year or two.

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So, a friend told me that files you delete aren't entirely wiped off your computer; traces of them remain on your computer "so computer geeks can tap into them later". Is this true? If so, how the hell can I get rid of them? I'm really pressed for space as it is, I don't want deleted files lurking in my hard drive. >.>

Well, your friend is right, at least partially.

Even when you delete a file permanently (by emptying your bin for example), traces can remain and the file may be recoverable with the right software. Now, the deleted file does not take up memory, so you wont gain extra space by wiping its traces off the hard disk.

Basically, the more the hard disk is used, i.e. the more data is recorded and erased over the same area, the less likely it is that software recovery tools can find these traces. Also, if I am not mistaken, someone needs to know what they are looking for to find these files (but do not quote me on that one).

Now, there are solutions, and these are programs that "sanitize" the free space on your drive. Most often they are also internet erasers - permanently deleting tracks left from your internet browsing (since clearing history in your browser does not remove everything). I have not used these for a while, but most used to provide fully functioning free trials.

I will dig up a few options. Otherwise google "internet eraser" or "hard disk eraser" or something like this. Internet erasers usually have the function built in (look for their list of functions which should say something like clean free disk space and/or permanently delete files).

Here are some I dug up which appear to have free trials (keep in mind I have not actually tested these myself):

http://www.internet-track-eraser.com/
http://www.privacyeraser.com/
http://www.acesoft.net/

Good luck.

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Hello i want to start dieting and lose about 15 pounds overall. The only problem is when it comes to reading a nutritional label its like foreign to me. I'm not even sure how many calories i'm suppose to be eating how many grams of fat i should be eating, sodium, EVERYTHING! I'm 5'6 148 pounds and 19. Thanks for the input everyone!! GREATLY APPRECIATED!

Hi,

Well, there are many different takes on what the ideal proportions are.

Basically, we first need to figure out how many calories your burn. Unfortunately, this is a very hard thing to do accurately. A rough approximation can be obtained from one of these calculators:

http://www.shapefit.com/bmr.html

There are more detailed ones, but its just an approximation - the rest we do from trial and error.

So, get your approximate number. For your stats (if you are "lightly active") it guesses 1946. So, to lose weight, lower this number by 500 to get about 1500 cals a day and monitor your weight loss. Aim for about a pound a week and adjust your calories or activity level to match.

Now, onto the distribution of these calories. A very common split is 40-30-30. Where 40% of your calories come from carbs, 30% from protein, and 30% from fat. So, for our example of 1500 calories, to calculate carbs you would:

Take 40% of 1500 which is 600 (calories from carbs). There are 4 calories to 1 gram of carb, so that means your daily target would be 150 grams of carbs.

For protein it would be 30% of 1500, so 450 calories divided by 4 (one gram of protein is also 4 calories) = 113 grams

For fats it would be again 450, divided by 9 (the calorie value of 1 gram of fat)= 50 grams

I should add, that of these 50 grams, no more than half should come from saturated fat sources. Most should come from mono and poly unsaturated fats.

Recommendations for sodium vary. The most common one seems to be to consume less than 2300 grams per day. Apparently we need about 500-1000grams... the rest is just extra.

Thats it. Good luck :)

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I am currently a full time college student. I have been working for most of my time in school and the job that I've had has been giving me more and more problems. I understand that in life I will have these types of issues in the future and with the jobs that I will work in... but, it has gotten a little bit out of control. Not necessarily that I'm being treated badly, but my safety is being jeopardized by the time I have to arrive and the fact that my boss wasn't even letting me lock the door in the mornings when I was there by myself. It's a long story and I don't need advise on this job. Bottom line is that I had to quit. I also have to focus on school too because I am planning on going to law school and I need to have good grades. I've managed to get good grades while working the stress was getting to me because like I said, safety was being jeopardized. They weren't even letting me take a lunch break and I had to rush from the office to school in one hour on an empty stomach. They also hired me under false pretenses promising a pay that they could not pay me.

Next Fall, I will have workstudy. Meaning, that I can get a job on campus through the federal work study program. Hopefully, I may even get it in March or April. I am really excited because I'm already involved in so may things in school that it would just be easier. I use the gym at school too so it's so easy to have everything in one place. My friend works on campus and they pay her for her lunch break! Even if it's not a lot of money, it's right on campus and it's enough to pay the bills.

Until then, I will need something extremely light. I was looking into working at home positions. This would be something I could do on the computer during my breaks, at school, maybe even late at night once I finished everything I had to do and I needed to make some extra cash. I have heard of this but I don't know of a legitimate place to go where I can find something like this. Maybe a typing position. Just some basic stuff I can do and either get paid by the hour or by the entries that I submit. I know that I've seen it, but if I use google, then maybe it won't just show legitimate stuff. Can any of you tell me if you've heard of this, are doing it, or know someone who is?

Thank you!

:)

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