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I have been struggling with this issue for years, especially with my parents and sister. I am an adult now, married, with one child, and I still feel I'm treated as if I'm a "second-class citizen" by my immediate family and my in-laws as well. I still don't know if it's something about me that makes people treat me differently, or if it's "their problem. " Basically, I feel misunderstood and disrespected. For example, someone in my family accuses me of some doing something wrong, let's say "insulting them" and I'm 100% positive I did no such thing, or that they took something I said the wrong way, and I try to explain my side of it, but the more I try to explain, the angrier they get because they just don't seem to care about the truth and want to go on thinking "wrong" about me, and they just don't respect me enough to listen to anything I have to say. Well, that's how it feels to me. If the shoe were on the other foot, and I thought someone did something wrong to me, and they tried to explain to me that they didn't I would at least have the decency to hear them out, especially my own family. Does any of this makes sense? Basically, I feel like the rules of common courtesy apply to everyone else but me in the eyes of my family. They are constantly hurting me and half the time they don't even realise it, or if they do, they dismiss my feelings as insignificant because they think I am too sensitive. I don't think so. Why do I feel like an outsider in my own family? Why can't they respect my feelings and points of view, even if they don't agree with them. I am constantly told things like "That's enough, " "I don't care" "I don't want to hear it, " or just plain "Shut up!" Is that the way to talk to a grown adult, or anybody for that matter? Let alone someone in your own family that you are supposed to love and care about? If a stranger treated me this way, I would be ofended, but it hurts a lot more coming from someone in your own family. Is there anything that I can do to get more respect from my family? I try to stand up for myself, but they don't "let" me. They snap at me if I ever say anything in my defense or tell them they are being rude, which I don't hesitate to do. I'm fed up, and I don't want to have this tension between me and my family anymore. I almost dread family get-togethers anymore, because I'm afraid someone is going to treat me bad in front of all my other relatives, and I won't be able to truly enjoy myself because I'll be dwelling on it the whole time. Can anybody relate to this at all? I know I can't be the only one, but sometimes I feel that way. Does anybody ever watch "Everybody loves Raymond?" Well, sometimes I feel like Raymond's brother Robert, and my sister is like Raymond. She is the one with the interesting career and is more financially sucessful, so I feel sometimes, she is the "favorite" and I am looked at as "the baby". (Even though I was the first to get married and have a child.) Well, feel free to offer any advice you can. I'm really hoping someone has some insight they can share. Thanks in advance. :-) (link)
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Family members can push each others' buttons like no one else in the world, so it's natural that you would have the most difficulties with them.
The fact that you notice similar problems in dealing with other people, like your in-laws, makes me wonder a bit. It's possible that your parents and sister are just really hard to get along with -- but it also might be the case that you've learned some defensive behavior over time that prevents you from having real discussions.
When you "try to explain," how exactly do you go about it? Could it perhaps be that you go on a very aggressive counterattack? (Telling people that they're being rude is sometimes justifiable, but it often just makes things worse.) One thing you might try is to count to ten before you answer back. If you can respond calmly, you have a better chance of starting a proper dialogue.
I'm not saying that this is all your fault, understand. The point is that you can't change other people's behavior: you can only change your response to it. The only way to get out of old, destructive patterns is to try to create new ones. I think it's important that you express your feelings to your family, but clearly you won't be able to get anywhere while everyone's just sniping at each other.
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years ago i met a man here on line we were good friends both of us married we talked on line and on the phone almost everyday. OK one day while iming he says that we should be together and hes leaving his wife and he wanted to be with me he thought i was his soul mate and the romance??? grew into love letters through usps until one day he stopped all communication. I tried to find him but nothing and i gave up. at the beginning of last yr he contacted me said he was divorced and the reason that he stopped contact was cuz he was getting his life together wait.... theres more :) so we started the relationship again and i thought it had grown deeper so i arranged to meet w him in person and he thought this was a good idea he said no little feat cuz im still married now to make this shorter i will just say my last e mail from him was on May the day before my b day he wrote that he had started a site for his business would i check it out and tell him what i thought of his site and that he was going to a wedding out of town with his ex and he would write when he got back and never did i have heard nothing from him since then what do you think??? Im a stupid to be devistated by this???? (link)
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You can't trust this guy any further than you can spit. Be grateful that you're out of this situation before you really screwed up your life, and focus on the real world for a while.
If he ever gets in touch with you again, tell him you want nothing more to do with him -- or, better yet, don't respond at all.
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I have this friend. Well, he's not exactly my friend, but we hang out at school and stuff. Awhile back, I used to like him and I told some people. One day, someone told him. Then he started avoiding me. Now he's talking to me, like all the time. He always wants my advice on something and always sticks up for me. Does anyone know why he's acting like this?
Thanks!
Confused (link)
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Two possibilities. The first is the obvious one: he likes you. The second one is that he thinks you're cool, but doesn't like you "that way," and so he started avoiding you when he heard you liked him because he didn't know how to handle it... but now he feels stupid about acting like that, and is trying hard to show you that he still wants to be friends.
But you know what? These are just guesses, and you're never going to know for sure by trying to read his mind. If you're still interested in him, ask him out; if not, just enjoy your new friendship.
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I did a "calcuate your real age" survey on line the other day which showed your real age changing as you answered the questions. I was almost at the end and the survey was showing me as 32.5 and I'm 33. The only section left was the exercise section. I answered the questions (I work out 5 days a week). I thought for sure my real age would go down even further, but was shocked to see it go up to 34!
I have listed my workout routine below, can you please give me some advise as to if I am working out too much? I feel great, my endurance is high, after my workout I feel great, I don't feel pain or discommfort. I eat healthy and feel great almost always.
3 x week (Tues, Wed, Fri): 20 min fast walking on treadmill followed by 20 minutes of intense riding on the stationary bike
2 x week (Sat & Sun): 20 min fast walking on treadmill followed by 20 minutes of intense riding on the stationary bike followed by 20 more minutes on the treadmill at a medium comfortable speed for cooldown(I do 20 min but feel like I could walk forever and not be tired)
I am happy with the way my routine makes me look good too. The bike is toning me right where I like it.
Why would my routine make me older? Was this survey I did wrong? Should I cut it down to 4 days a week?
Sorry this is so long, thanks for your help!
Paula (link)
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Your exercise routine sounds right on target to me. It's making you feel good and making you look good, so why would you doubt it?
If you're really concerned, talk to a doctor. The best of those online tests are only rough estimates, and the worst are pure BS.
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Im so scared because I just had my period a few months ago and Im 12 yrs old. thats not what im worried about though. i fingred myself and I dont know how deep i went but it wasnt that deep i dont think, but then I went to the bathroom and i saw that i was bleeding from my vagina but i don know if its from my period or not...its almost around the time when i usually have it but im scared because did anything bad happen when i fingred myself? or is it just my period? (link)
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It's almost certainly just your period, unless you scratched yourself a little. It is very, VERY unlikely that you broke your hymen ("popped your cherry" or whatever) by inserting your finger -- your finger is smaller than a tampon, and virgins can use tampons without any effects on their hymen at all. (Oh, and it is not abnormal at all to be fingering yourself -- you're exploring your body, and there's nothing wrong with that.)
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I had a boyfriend. First one ever, I cheated on him... with a girl. He broke it off. 3 weeks go by, I'm just moving on. I'm just starting to flirt again with this guy in my biology class who likes me too. Then... dun dun dun!... I saw him after school today. He wants me back. I kind of want him too. I think it was wrong to break up. But, I really like the kid in my bio class. He's someone I can lead around, not be led. (link)
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Why do you think it was wrong to break up with your first boyfriend? I mean, obviously it was wrong to cheat on him -- but has *anything* changed between now and then? Because you can't just pick up where you left off and expect things to be better. If you feel like you guys have learned anything from the experience, and can fix whatever you think was wrong in the relationship originally, then great, give it another shot. But if not, leave it alone -- you'll just get into a stupid cycle of dissatisfaction and distrust.
Honestly, it doesn't sound to me as though you're all that motivated to make things work with the first guy. I'd tell you to go after the kid in the bio class, except that being with a guy you lead around all the time is going to get really old really fast.
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Yeah, usually I give advice, but I figured I'd ask this time. Two of you have already seen this question, but I thought I'd just put it out here for the rest of you to help me with.
Okay, here it goes. I've found my DREAM college. I mean, this is what I've been searching for since, like, ninth grade. I'm almost certain I'd be accepted there.
Problem 1 - CalArts is in Southern California. Now, I live in michigan and my mom doesn't want me to go that far away.
Problem 2 - The tuition. $22,190. My dad doesn't have a job, my mom can't work, and I don't have a job yet. Even if I did, I wouldn't be able to make that much by next year. However, I do have books written, and could publish them, but even with that I'm not sure I'd be able to make the money.
Problem 3 - my parents both think that the only reason I want to go there is because my boyfriend's going to a college down there. That's not why I want to go.
So essentially, I'm wondering what you guys think. Should I try to get into a college my mom doesn't want me to go to, even though it's my dream school AND if I went there, I'd probably have somewhere to live? Help me out...
-Siren (link)
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Taking Problem 2 first, you should begin by speaking to a counselor from the Financial Aid office. They're used to answering questions from students in exactly your situation, and they can help you come up with a workable solution.
Where's the "somewhere to live" that you think you'd have if you went there? Would it be with your boyfriend? Because, if so, that may have something to do with your mom's reluctance -- and honestly, I can see her point. As a college freshman in a completely new environment, you don't want to be relying on your boyfriend that heavily -- no matter how good your relationship is, that's a *lot* of pressure to put on it.
In order to get around your parents' objections, you need to find out exactly why they don't want to go to school that far away. (Is it the travel expense? Do they think art school is impractical? Do they just hate California? Are they worried they won't be able to take care of you the way they're used to doing? Etc.) Whatever their specific fears, try to come up with a way to address them. But ultimately, no matter what they think, this is your decision, and not merely because you're going to be financially responsible for it.
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Tim left because he was scared. I don't know why I'm so scary to him, but I am. Keith and I split a few days ago. I have a tendency to pick up weirdos and freaks, and I attracked one by just holding my best friends hand. His name is Scott and get this...He's a cheerleader. I don't know what to do. We were playing twenty questions and I asked if he was looking for a gurlfriend. He replies with a "I don't know, I met you so I'm not sure if I don't want one or not." And you're right, I'm very insecure about myself. In the past five years I've been dating, I haven't gone a full month being single. When I'm single, I feel lonely and depressed. It's as though the whole world is coming down on me at one time and I need someone to spill to. The worst part is, it gets worse when I have a bf. Mandy, my best friend, is of course my best friend. But I can't tell anyone everything. It's as though I can't tell but I want to. I'd love to get it all out but I'm afraid if I told someone they'd be all "You're a nutcase." Please help me find out a cure to my fears.
*Is gonna stop quoting myself like this*
Abby (link)
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Oh, Abby, cupcake, you are so definitely not a nutcase.
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe part of the reason you're lonely and depressed when you're single is simply that during those times, you're never more than one month past a breakup? I mean (stating the obvious here), breakups are horrible! They make you feel awful, and they make you question yourself, and they make you feel alone in the world, and there's no telling how long those feelings will last -- and sometimes, oddly enough, it doesn't even have a lot to do with how much you liked the guy in the first place.
And maybe it gets worse when you get a new boyfriend, in part, because you have all these unresolved doubts and feelings left over from your last experience, and you're shoving them down deep inside you because you figure you're *supposed* to be happy and excited now. But those feelings don't just go away immediately, and they stick around to confuse you.
Okay, so, how to get rid of these feelings? Well, to some extent they leave on their own schedule, but you can help push them along a bit.
For starters, just let yourself be sad for a little while. You were engaged, and it ended, and it's appropriate to grieve about that (even if Tim wasn't the right guy -- more on that in a minute). Give yourself permission to be really miserable for a day, or a week, or whatever. And then, move into a new phase.
This is the part where it's All About Abby. You're obviously a catch, and lots of guys want to date you, so you shouldn't have anything to prove to yourself on that score; you don't need a guy around all the time as evidence that you're attractive and worthwhile. Instead, do things that make you happy: hang out with your friends, take a roadtrip to a new place, try some activity that you've always been curious about, get a cool new haircut, volunteer for something -- whatever you like, but the point is that you're expanding your horizons a little bit, and learning more about yourself in the process.
During this time, you will obviously be meeting guys. And some of them may be really appealing. But, as an experiment, try *not* getting into a relationship with any of them; keep them around as friends, sure, but let them wait around for you for a bit. (Not that you should tease them or leave them dangling -- obviously, you want to treat everyone with respect and consideration.) I don't want to give you a strict timeline or anything, because you'll start to get a feeling when you're ready. But I suspect about three months on your own would you do a world of good.
And as for Tim -- it sounds to me like he's your typical guy who wasn't anywhere near ready for marriage, and who wasn't mature or thoughtful enough to handle the situation like a grownup. It doesn't seem like *you* scared him off at all -- obviously, he liked you fine, or he wouldn't have dated you for so long, or come knocking on your door again. But it doesn't seem like he's equipped to give you what you need in a life partner, and deep in his heart, he must realize that.
Good luck, and please feel free to write again if you need to, okay?
cheers,
alpha
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My boyfriend and I started dating after an internet freindship of about 3 and a half years. This isn't the problem per se, but I think it has something to do with it.
The family is very close, so they knew quite a bit about me, including my somewhat dysfunctional family (My father's an alcoholic). Add in the major class differences (we're low working class, his parents are filthy rich corporate lawyers) and you have a huge problem on your hands.
Apparently I remind his father of his ex wife, his mother thinks my boyfriend is in too deep and I'm going to get pregnant (Considering we both practice abstinence, highly doubtful), and his sister thinks I'm an idiot because of the writing style in my journal (Apparently I'm not New York enough or something?).
Especially after my family and I sat down with them, his mom (who was basically in total control) was a completely polite ice queen. It was very uncomfortable for everyone involved because they kept talking to my father and being very lawyer-ish about everything.
I feel like they've unjustly made an opinion of me from that one failed meeting, and I have no idea how to fix things, because they want nothing to do with me. I feel really rejected and this is gnawing at me like crazy. What should I do? (link)
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Oh, ouch. This must be especially difficult for you because his family is so close -- if they weren't such a major part of his life, he could just tell them where to stick it. Well, I guess he could still do that, but you want to avoid a rift if at all possible -- in the end, families are important, and if you two see yourselves together long-term, you'll all have to find a way to get along.
How long have the two of you actually been dating? And how long has it been since you had that meeting? Because probably the only thing that's really going to bring them around is time: after you and your boyfriend have been together successfully for a while, they'll have a lot more incentive to accept you.
For the time being, I would keep it fairly low-key. Don't insist on another meeting right away. In the meantime, your boyfriend can quietly lay some groundwork: he might talk one-on-one to his father or mother or sister about the situation, he can occasionally drop nice statements about you into their conversations (for example, cool things you're doing now, ways in which you've showed strength in dealing with your dysfunctional family), etc. Right now, his family is expecting the worst from you -- but when the only thing that ever happens is that their son is, gasp, HAPPY, they may start to see things differently.
As things calm down, you guys can try another meeting, although I'd recommend that you keep it as small as possible -- don't bring your family, and, if you can manage it, meet with one of them at a time (maybe start with his sister?). It's probably going to be a fairly slow process, truthfully, before they're fully comfortable with you, but if they really love their son, they're going to respect you for treating him well.
(I'm assuming that you've talked all this over at length with your boyfriend, of course. If not, that's where you should start. He probably has more ideas about how to deal with them than you do -- they're his parents, after all, and this is even more his problem to deal with than it is yours.)
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My ex fiencee, Tim, left me two days before my birthday. He left me at the worst time of my life. Since then we haven't talked much...and now he suddenly shows up and tries to apologize. I am so angry with him, but I still love him very very much. I want to hate him...I really do...but I can't. When he left, I started getting my life back into order, although it'd fall apart right after. I have a boyfriend now, but he means next to nothing to me. I don't want to let Tim hurt me again. He'd been my best friend for three years before we started a relationship.
*Alone by nature*
Abby (link)
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You don't say why he left you, why he came back, or why he thinks you guys can make it work any better this time around. Has he even offered you any of this information? And is it believable? (Incidentally, "Because I was a fool and then I realized how much I missed you" is NOT an adequate explanation.) If not, you shouldn't even consider getting back together with him -- you haven't solved the underlying problems, and therefore you're just setting yourself up to be hurt again.
(And you know, you don't have to hate him if you don't want to. Maybe he's a total jerk for the way he acted, and maybe he ultimately doesn't have the character to make you happy -- but you can still remember him as someone who was a good part of your life for a long time, even though you've moved on now. Finding that kind of peace is hard, but worth it.)
Also, I have to ask why you're with a boyfriend who "means next to nothing" to you. You sign yourself 'Alone by nature," but it sounds like you're awfully scared of being by yourself. It might not be the worst thing in the world for you to try being single and independent for a little while: you've been through a lot, and maybe it would help you to focus on YOU, rather than on some guy who's just there to fill space. The more confident and self-sufficient you are, the better your chances are of having a healthy, caring relationship with someone who will treat you decently.
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I have this friend. She gets on my nerves a lot. She gets really jealous when me or anyone else isn't payin g her any attention. She is spoiled(no offense.) and always tries to make people feel bad. I don't want to be her friend, but she keeps on saying that she has problems and she's gonna kill herself because life is so bad. I have 2 questions. Is she my real friend? And is there any way I don't have to be friends with her? (link)
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Oh, Lord, life is too short to have to deal with people like this. She tries to make you feel bad? That's not what real friends do.
It's hard for me to say if she actually has problems or if she's just looking for attention (I'd guess it's a bit of both). If you have any reason to think she's really unhappy, you might try this: next time she starts in on her problems, tell her, as nicely as you can, that you really think that she should talk to a counselor or therapist about her problems, because it all certainly sounds very serious. And tell her that you can tell it must be a huge problem because it seems to be affecting the way she deals with her friends -- say that even though she may not mean to be hurtful, she's making it very hard for you to be supportive, and you just don't know how to be a friend to someone who treats you the way she does.
This may be a wake-up call for her to change her behavior, or it may not. If she does try to change, you can decide if it's enough for you to want to keep the friendship. If she doesn't, you're off the hook. As long as you're honest with her, and not cruel about it, you should have no guilt.
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I recently just became boyfriend and girlfriend with this really nice guy. I really like him and I know he likes me, but he doesn't want people to know about us yet. A dance is coming up and I REALLy want to slow dance with him but I also don't want to give him away to all his friends. I also heard him telling someone he doesn't like anyone when i was right there. I respect that he doesn't want people to know...But i do. What should I do? (link)
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Is there any special reason he doesn't want people to know "yet"? I mean, is this only about timing? Or is he just worried what his friends would think about his having a girlfriend?
Because if he has a really good reason not to want people to know right now (I can't imagine what a good reason could possibly be, but whatever), and he's willing to give you an idea when he'll be ready to go public, that's one thing. I don't see why you can't slow dance with him without spilling the beans -- you don't have to be dating someone just to dance with them, after all.
If he's going to be hiding your relationship indefinitely, though, I'd say you'll have to think seriously about whether you can live with that. It's not much fun going out with someone if you have to hide the fact that you're a couple, and you deserve to be with a guy who's proud to tell everyone that you're his girlfriend. You may want to tell him that you like him a lot, but he can just come back when he's ready to handle this maturely -- that may make him rethink his strategy. :)
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I've been trying lately to wear nicer clothes to work; more suits and ties and things of that sort. I think it helps me out in meetings. But I worry about what others may think and wonder if I come across as too ambitious or uppity for the job I'm in, which is a scrub helper fresh out of college. Can suits hurt a career or just help it? (link)
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This totally depends on what business you're in, how you spend your time during the work day, and what the people around you tend to wear.
How do your immediate supervisor and the other people one level above you usually dress? Take your cues in formality from them. If they're in suits, too, follow their lead, but if they dress casually, you're probably going to look a little silly if you're all spiffed up.
(This assumes that you and your superiors work in the same environment and are doing roughly the same sort of work. Obviously, if your job routinely involves tasks that would mess up nice clothes, don't wear suits. And if you have to interact with the public and project a particular image while doing so, then those guidelines naturally take precedence.)
Nonetheless, it's great that you understand how important dress can be in the workplace. If you think that suits look out of place, is there some way that you can project a professional look without dressing formally? Clean, pressed oxford shirts and chinos, good shoes, maybe a sports jacket and tie rather than a suit... you know, business casual.
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Dear Alpha,
I've spent some time trying to believe in Christianity, long enough to know that there's a popular and Biblically-based doctrine against being "unevenly hitched". So, when I meet fun, attractive Christians of a certain level of commitment, they may as well be lesbians or cousins or something... I can let myself love them to bits as friends, but for the most part I keep any thought of the romantic stuff out of the way. This has worked to keep things from getting messy for me and the occasional cute, committed Christian that wanders by. Essentially I've kept that doctrine by acknowledging it, even as I left a bunch of stuff I couldn't deal with behind.
I'm a 23-year old student, just to situate all this, and she's a bit older (25 or so) but also studying at the same university. We've grabbed food together, run around town with friends, done stuff in groups, kept each other honest while studying, all the rest, and she's sweet, articulate, cultured, cute, open-minded and considerate... and a committed Christian to boot. Fine, I think to myself... she's fun to be around and my (open) agnosticism doesn't seem to bother her (although we do debate the Big Issues in conversational tones), she definitely makes me feel good to share a species with her. So we hang out from time to time, chat, all that. Er, man, was I dense.
So now I have this three page e-mail printed out and read a few times, and it turns out my density has kept me from picking up on the fact that she's been thinking of me as relationship material since, well, something like July.
Fine, you might say, can't lump all Christians together, and *Rebecca doesn't seem to be in the yoke-sensitive camp. Well, you can get a lot of details into 23k of e-mail and she is in the yoke-sensitive camp and it's been eating away at her. Her Christian buddies are understandibly leery of the whole idea, and for me it kinda reorganizes everything... but she's thinking differently. I'd gotten pretty good at applying my yoking filter but she's sort of making it irrelevant... but I'd feel a little weird helping her dismantle a practice she still obviously respects to some extent. At the same time, she really is wonderful and this whole yoking thing sometimes feels like a medieval tradition whose time has come. Yarg, new and exciting dilemma... of the sort that's more fun to contemplate when it's hypothetical.
I can't honestly convert as it stands, and I won't dishonestly convert. She's not asking me to, which is to her credit.
So, I can freak out and run in circles, I can say she's wonderful but this is crazy, I can say I had no idea and ... yes!, or I can hop on the next plane to the French Foreign Legion recruiting centre and pretend this all never happened. Or I can do something more subtle I haven't thought of... you get the idea.
Advice, relevant questions or a good slap upside the head... I await your reply.
Yours spazzing out,
Dense Heathen
(link)
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Dear Dense Heathen,
Forgive me for being a little dense myself here: when you say "yoking," are you referring to marriage or some less formal type of, um, attachment? Because yes, I guess I can see how marriage between a devout Christian and a confirmed agnostic could have its share of complications, but let's get back to that in a second...
You say she's thinking of you of relationship material, but she's not asking you to convert. In that 23k of email, did she make any suggestions about how *she* thought this might work? Do you think she would be open to starting a relationship, but taking it kind of slowly for a while and seeing how things go?
Here's the thing: people get into relationships not because they've already worked out all the difficulties, but because they like each other enough to see if the difficulties are worth working out. My take is that you both obviously want to be together, and you have no way of knowing yet whether religion is ultimately going to be a deal-breaker or not. So is it worth the risk to you guys?
If you and Rebecca decide that you'd like to try it out, I think the fact that you're able to debate the Big Issues without artillery fire is definitely going to work in your favor. You say she's open-minded, which also bodes well. Your task, then, is to respect her beliefs even while you disagree with them. There's no reason that you should have to accept a belief system that doesn't work for you, but you have to keep in mind that many people do get quite a lot out of it, and that they are not necessarily less thoughtful or sophisticated thereby. :) If Rebecca can be convinced that being with you does not threaten her commitment to God -- that, in fact, she can have both! -- and if you're cool with that too, then terrific.
I'm not trying to dismiss the fact that she might have real concerns. I mean, obviously, if her life revolves primarily around church and church activities, then there's probably not a place for you. But that doesn't sound like the case here. And I don't know her friends, or how open-minded they are... but, you know, dealing with disapproving friends can be a hassle even for couples with no religious issues whatsoever. She might be looking much further down the road and thinking "yeah, and what would we do if we had kids?" Which is a fair question, and a serious one, but there are people who've figured out ways to deal with it. And hopefully, you would have plenty of time before you had to address it.
So don't join the French Foreign Legion, okay? At least talk to her and tell her how fantastic you think she is (she really does sound lovely). If you guys give it a try, you'll just have to work hard to figure things out as you go. But that's pretty much what everyone has to do.
cheers,
alpha
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I have been dating a guy now for about 2 and a half years. We are both shy and moral people so we haven't done anything but kiss and cuddle together. I think that I love him because when we are close together and when he kisses me I get a feeling like no other (like electricity is running throughout my whole body constantly), but when we are not together and when he is not being loving toward me I feel like I want to end the relationship. We have a lot of differences in our personalities and our likes that constantly get in the way of the relationship, and I am always the one who gives into what he wants. He is a spoiled only child with parents who are close to being rich and I am a mature only child who was taught at a very early age the value of a dollar and my parents are divorced so we don't hve as much money (and my mom is kinda cheap). I am getting really tired of him trying to control me and always getting his way, but everytime I think about breaking up I can't do it because we have been together so long and I think I am ultimately afraid of being single the rest of my life if I don't stay with him. (I don't have any other guys that are even flirting with me at work or college) Do you think I should end it with my boyfriend or continue the relationship? (link)
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Just because you enjoy making out with him doesn't mean you're necessarily in love with him, you know. You have to have a better reason than that to think you love him.
The part of your letter that got me really concerned was when you talked about him trying to control you. What's up with that? And why do you always give in? Can both of you try to change those habits? You're going to have to have a very honest conversation with him if you want things to improve.
Two and a half years is a long time, but there is absolutely no reason to think that you wouldn't eventually find someone else if you did break up. So what if no one is flirting with you right now? Do you expect them to, given that you *have* a long-term boyfriend? If you were single, and if you went out and made some effort to meet and get to know interesting guys, things might change a lot. It's not the responsibility of the male sex to present you with a an alternative boyfriend before you make a decision about whether this relationship is good for you. Judge it on its own merits, and if you conclude that it isn't going to work out, *then* start thinking about finding someone else. You've got plenty of time.
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here's the story. im a lesbian, but my family has yet to find out. they have no idea and i want to tell them, but i cant. i know theyll still love me, but i know how much of a disappointment that will be for them(my parents). ive made them happy so many ways, and they said theyre proud to have me as their daughter. and they keep talking about when im going to be a mother some day, and how excited they are because they know theyll be grandparents one day, but thats where i know im going to disappoint them. because theyre not going to get to see their grandchildren.. because.. there wont be any. i REALLY dont want to disappoint them, but i know i will once they find out that the family line ends with me (since i dont have brothers or sisters). so i dont know what to do, i dont want to force myself to be straight, but i dont want to let them down also. i really dont know what to do, ive cried over this situation so much because i can picture their disappointment once they find out. (link)
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If it makes you feel any better, plenty of lesbians have kids. Their own biological children, even -- all it takes is a sperm bank. (One of my good friends is a lesbian who went this route, and her daughter is now almost four and the cutest, sweetest, smartest little kid you ever saw. And her grandparents adore her, naturally.) Adoption is another excellent possibility, of course.
So if you *want* to be a mother someday, you certainly have options; and if this is, in fact, the only thing preventing you from telling your parents, you can relax a bit. (If, though, you still don't feel ready to have that conversation, don't beat yourself up too much -- you may just not be at that point yet, and that's perfectly okay.)
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Okay, lately in school I've been kinda failing. But within the past week I've brought some of my grades from an "F" to a "C" or "D". But, my mom says that if I have any "F"s on my next grade report I can't go on to high school next year. Even though I still have 1 more trimester left. I have 1 "F" and there is no possible way to bring it up because my next grade report comes out next week and the teachers had to turn their grades in yesterday. I really want to go on to high school but I won't be able to with this "F". What should I do?
Grades (link)
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First thing, go talk to your teachers -- especially the one who gave you the F. Explain to them that you're really concerned about bringing your grades up, and ask them what you can do to improve. They may give you some extra credit work to bring your grades up for this last trimester, but I wouldn't count on that; more importantly, you all may be able to come with a concrete plan to improve your work for the coming trimester. Tutoring would probably help, but they might have other good ideas.
Then, when your grade report comes out next week, you'll have something to tell your mom *besides* just showing her the F. She'll be a lot less likely to flip out if she sees that you've already taken action to do better. You need to take responsibility for your own performance before you're ready for high school, and this is a good way of proving to her that you can do that. If she still doesn't see it your way, though, work really hard till the end of the year, then have her meet with your teachers. If they think you're capable of moving on to high school, and can say good things about how hard you've worked, she's unlikely to disagree with them.
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WOW... I am only 16 and my ex (for now) saying we are getting bak together very soon.. back to point today we had unprotected sex and like he went all the way what the possibilties of me getting pregnant? hes 19 and hes says hes in love with me and he will never leave me (like a permant basis) and like there is this girl thathe asked out and like she sed no but hes saying hell never ask her out again.. what should i do (link)
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See a doctor. Immediately. I am as serious as I can possibly be.
There is certainly a possibility of you becoming pregnant, and also a possibility of sexually transmitted disease. You just cannot have unprotected sex. This isn't news to you, right?
And lose this guy. He's making promises he can't keep to get you into bed, he's coming back to you after his other options collapse, and he's putting you at risk for pregnancy and STDs... this is not a guy you want in your life.
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Okay, I'm only in the 8th grade but lately I've be thinking about my future and college. Well I've thought about it really hard and decide that I want to go to Yale University. The only problem is I don't know what requirments it takes to get excapted. Like how well do I have to do in grade school? What should my scores be? Any one who can give me any info would be great!
*Future* (link)
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First of all, go here:
http://www.yale.edu/admit/freshmen/application/index.html
This will answer a lot of your questions.
It doesn't really matter how well you've done in grade school -- they only really start looking at your record once you hit ninth grade. Mostly what they're looking for are kids who are both serious scholars and interesting human beings. That means that you have to go beyond getting good grades just for the sake of the grades -- you have to be genuinely curious about the world around you. SAT scores are important, but there are tons of kids with amazing scores who don't get into the top schools because they don't have anything going for them but numbers.
All that said, it is way too early for you to decide that Yale is the one and only school for you. It's great for you to have high goals, and you should certainly apply to Yale if you think you'd be happy there -- but you have to understand that, to some extent, the college applications process is a lottery. A college can't possibly accept *all* the wonderful, talented kids who apply -- there are just too many! When the time comes, research a lot of schools, apply to several (say, 4-10), and realize that you're very likely to find terrific classes and good friends at any of them.
(FYI, I didn't go to Yale, I went to Harvard, but my advice would be the same no matter what selective college you were interested in.)
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I'm not incredibly popular at school but I do have a best friend who I've known all my life even though she just moved to my school. Now she's making new friends and she even has a boyfriend. I was supposed to go to a pizza place with her and some of the kids in my class but my mom wanted me to come over to her house for the weekend so I didn't go with them. Now I'm worried that since she's made so many new friends, she'll just drop me. Do you think that'll happen?,
CMS (link)
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She won't just drop you if you continue to be a good friend to her. Don't get scared off by her new friends; it's natural that she'd want to be friendly with the people in her new school, and it doesn't mean that she'll automatically drop you because you're not part of the in-crowd.
Just keep hanging out together when you can, and recognize that it's okay for her to have other friends as well, and you should be fine. (And who knows, maybe some of the people she's hanging out with will turn out to be potential friends for you, too...)
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