TimothyDanger's advice column

askTimothyDanger

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: What's wrong with me?
I've been trying to establish a long lasting relationship for the last 3 years with 3 different women and each one has fallen apart..........and I can't see why? I need help to figure out what I’m doing wrong and need suggestions. I’ve tried to be myself and that’s just not good enough. I mean I have the right ingredients: I'm male, in my 30's, have a secure job in medicine, live in NYC, am well paid, think I'm a nice guy, do things for others without any expectations........and despite all this, things never work out.
I put my all into these relationships……I don’t hold back. I’m willing to do anything for these girls to make them happy………I’ll sacrifice sleep, time, energy, effort, money…. Things always start out well but then things turn and the relationship sours. I always feel I’m not doing enough and when I pull back , they pull completely away…….I mean what is it………….Am I too ugly? Too short? Too needy?
I’ve put in so much effort. Every time things end, I become more bitter and upset and depressed. It takes a hell of a lot out of you………and each time I pick myself back up, I get knocked down. Is gets difficult to remain optimistic.
I don’t need reassurances that things will get better….I need advice as to how to improve them.

Have you considered maybe it's because you are in love with the idea of a long lasting relationship and not the woman (I say this because that's 3 in 3 years)
You got the base (job and personality) but that shouldn't define you, it should be an accent to you.
I do think you might be trying too hard. Women are way more complicated than us guys. They analyze everything about us and their situation. Most girls are not used to someone being so involved in their lives, they analyze that too, and sometimes it scares them away.
You need to be the one dimensional guy you are expected to be, sure... breaking up takes a lot out of you. That's why it's called a break up, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, remember to get the REAL reason they left and chalk that up.
Don't get depressed, repeat all the good points you just wrote to yourself, that's your mantra, that's what sets you apart. Sell yourself like a classified ad, and remember that chicks dig confidence but are turned away by self doubt.

Q: do you guys prefer all the hair "down there" shaved off or just leave it alone? share your thoughts please.

thanks! :)

Most guys are just happy to get there.

Guys are way more visceral than girls. Of course there is usually a preference (shaven seems to be popular among the young adult set) I still don't know one straight guy who would turn down a girl over her choice of "style"

As long as it doesn't have the look of a tribble on Star Trek, you're probably fine.

Q: i dated a guy for 2 years. i was in love with him. he slowly changed a lot into his his best friend (a heartless player) and he broke up with me but would still talk to me and tell me he love me and then he would say he didnt and then he would say he did ect. he basiclaly fucked with my head lot. its been 7 months and i havent talked to him in 2 weeks and im starting to realize that hes a terrible guy now. hes completely changed.. and i dont know why i continue trying to be with him? i guess whenver he talks to me i think its because he misses me and wants to make things work again, but i realize that hes just different and doesnt really give a shit. hes fucking heartless. im starting to actually be over it and ive finally realized what a terrible guy he is after all hes done (theres so much more) but for some reason its lyk, i get that hes a bad guy, but hes all i think about? i understand hes not the one for me, why cant i get over this?! i dont want to be with him anymore so why can i not get over it?!! ughhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Hey doll I get it... it's LOVE right?

You can't get over it because it's not just someone you dated, it's someone you let into your life. Now... there is a void in your life. Your best friend is gone. There is no one to call on Christmas, no one to take with you to a wedding, and oh God don't get me started on Valentine's Day. You have been dealing with the void, but from time to time, something reminds you of him and it's like reopening the wound a little bit.

When you think about him, you seem to remember all these good things about him, maybe even some that never happened. (I often remember slow dancing with my ex in a jazz club, and I KNOW that's never occured.)

It feels like... well... like someone died, and there is a pain in heartbreak that is actual physical pain, and the anxiety is almost too much to bear.

Sound familliar?

That's heartache, and dont let anyone tell you it gets easier when it happens. But it is a good thing. For one, you have proven to yourself that you are a good person, you can care about someone more than yourself. Another is that you can learn from this, you know more about the habits of jerks than you did before. You know what to look for in the next guy... and trust me... if you got HIM... you can get another.

It may not seem like it now, but you are better off, on your own, no one to have to check in with or anything. Hell you can go to a movie tonight if you wanted, or chat up that nice guy in line at the coffee shop and not feel guilty.
Give it another 7 months... then send him a thank you card for letting you free.

Q: So I spent the whole of last week snowboarding. Because I'm a person who just goes for things and doesn't think about the consequences, I decided to buy a helmet. I was practicing jumps and I intended to keep my head safe, because I'd already hurt it a few times.
I saw my friend at the end of the week, and she looked at my helmet and said ''God, you're such a pussy. Only amateurs wear helmets''
I personally thought that wanting to keep myself safe doesn't make me a ''pussy'' nor an amateur. Or am I just over-reacting?
What are your thoughts on this?

You should ask yourself what kind of person your friend is. (I mean in how she talks)
Just because she uses that language to you or her friends doesnt mean she is rude, she is probably just being "one of the guys" or trying it out.

Case in point: I hang out with a bunch of Aplha males. We are jerks, talk trash and have a good time. If you are in our circle and we like you, you are bound to get called things once in a while (but we expect you to come back with snappy answers too) When chicks do it, we dig it.

I may be wrong on this, but I'm just judging it by the circle of people I hang out with, we've lost many an associate by the way we kid.

Q: okay there's this guy that i liked since last year May he was in my english class. Before i started liking this guy, i would notice that he would stare at me all the time in class..then i eventually started liking him and i told him on msn that i liked him. He didn't believe me at first then i asked him: do you think i'm joking? then he said: i dunno, but i don't want to waste your time b/c i have a g/f. So i said ok, but i noticed that even after he told me that, he would still stare at me and sometimes look away. i asked around and they said that they don't think he has a g.f. so tonight i was talking to an old friend of mine and it turns out that my friend knows the guy i like so i told him that i wanted him to be my prom date and i asked him not to tell him b/c he told me hehad a girlfriend...so my friend said: wth? he doesn't have a girlfriend...so he lied to me! what does this mean?

It means he doesn't have experience with girls.
He still stares at you because he probably likes you and is now thinking about what you told him on MSN all the time. (Trust me, I know a lot of socially awkward nerds I always give advice to)

Maybe in a week or so, you should message him again and say..."If your girlfriend doesn't mind, would you like to go to prom with me, I heard that's one thing you shouldn't miss." That gives him a way to chicken out and you are still aware of what he told you. It's a lot less pressure on someone who is "supposed" to do the asking.

See how that works.

Q: I work a 9-5 job and are in the freeway for about 2 hours coming home and don't know what to do to keep in shape. I work in an office and therefore I don't do much exercise. I was thinking of going to the gym but the only two gyms really close to my house are three:

Women's gym : a bit smaller then others but has dancing classes
24 Hours: it gets really full of people in the evenings
LA Fitness: about 5 miles away in the fwy and it has various locations

What would you suggest I do?? I have a treadmill at home but maybey the gym will distract me from the routine (working & going home)

Thanks 4 your help

I once invested hundreds of dollars converting my garage into a personal gym complete with olympic weight bench, tricep bench, and mirrors on the wall.
Annnnd... never used it.

Personally I need to work out in a place that isn't home. I don't like my couch being only a few feet away from me in another room. I want to approach it like a job, that way I know I have to do it everyday, and in the end, that's the key to a succesful program

Q: well, what are some good reggae and ska bands?
i went to a show yesterday and i really liked this one ska band, but i was wondering what some popular ska bands were? thanks [:

and i need some good indie bands too.
thank youuu =]

My favorite ska bands of all time are:
Hepcat
The Slackers
The Toasters
The Specials
Madness
Bad Manners

Reggae:
Toots and the Maytals
Old Jimmy Cliff
Judge Dread

Indie Bands:
The Frames
The Anniversary
Frank Turner
Sean Hayes

Q: *i'm sorry, this might be a bit long.. but i need to say all of this so it'll make alot more sense.

sooo, i just got a boyfriend... ever since 12/29/08
he's sixteen and i'm fifteen.

what i mean by he's not that active, is not in a sexual way.. but i mean in a relationship way.
before we started going out, he SAID that he liked me.. but didn't really seem like it.
he doesn't text or call me as much as he did before, makes it seem like he was losing interests in me. and whenever i texted him, he only texts back when he WANTS to. makes me feel like i'm just there, because he WANTS me to be there.

before, i couldn't take it anymore.. so i texted him saying that he was confusing, and he FINALLY texted back asking why. and i said "tell me this honestly, do you like me or not?" he goes "yeah.. why does it seem like i don't?" and i said "somewhat" and he goes "why" and i said, "because you SAY that you do, but it doesn't seem like it." and he told said "that's because i'm not sure if you like me" that kind of made me go like "what the heckk?" because I'M the one that's been texting him, and he's the one that hasn't been answering. but, we worked that out... but he can't really use that excuse anymore since we're together now.

my last couple of relationships, i didn't take really seriously. but this time, i would actually try to make this one work out. but the relationship can't work out if only ONE person tries to make it work, right? SUPPOSEDLY i'm the first girl that had ever gaven him 'butterflies' and really liked before going out with. he says so, but it sure doesn't seem like it. i'm not sure if he's busy or what not.. but after we went out, my boyfriend doesn't even seem like a boyfriend! our last conversation ended with "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and "YOU TOO!" *ends...

i would talk to him about it, but it'd probably end up the same as before.. i'm not even sure if he even takes this relationship seriously or not. because i don't want to, if he isn't going to.

i called him earlier.. but once i pressed the talk button, it went straight to his voicemail. and no, he doesn't have a myspace, facebook, journal, or xanga.. whatever that people has now and days. he doesn't have any of those.

sooo, the questions that i'm wondering is.. what do you think is running through his mind? do you think he lost interest? what's your opinion on this? what should i do?

your response is very important to me! please & thank you (:

Ahhh young love.
The good news is you havent been dating him that long, and you already see the signs so you are not too attatched.
I'm going to tell you something, and memorize it ok?

"Never make someone your top priority if you are their last resort"

Take that with you for the rest of high school and college. The teens are hard enough without worrying about some dude.

The truth is, I have no idea what's going on in his mind and I used to be a 16 year old boy... but you shouldnt have to worry about it either. Break it off, tell him if he snaps out of his funk, you'll consider talking to him again, that puts power in your court. It sucks to be alone for a while, but who knows? You'll probably find someone better suited in the long run anyway.

Q: My boyfriend has a bad habit of always being on his iPhone. While out to dinner with friends, watching a movie, pretty much every where. I try to get him off of it and after I say something he will, but 30 mins later he'll get back on. What should I do? It gets pretty annoying him always playing with his iPhone :-\

I was once having dinner with a gorgeous girl who told me that if a guy answers the phone while she is on a date with her, there is never a second date. She went on to explain that her time is too important. Thinking on it, it is rude to have someone looking at their phone while you are trying to have a conversation.
I take that to heart, and if it's one piece of advice I can give to dudes and chicks... turn the phone off when you are with your better half... Guys: make it a visibile effort, then when she asks about it, tell her you shut it off because the most important person is already in front of you... thank me later.

Q: is there any skank repellant I can invest in?

One man's skank is another man's Britany Spears. Just talk about your World of Warcraft online character... that'll keep 'em away

Q: what can i do to get the guy of my dreams? he's there but how can i get him? lol :)

When I look for a new girl to trick into dating (joking really)... I tend to look for one who is a lot like me. (Well not as good looking obviously)
So first, look for him in places you like to go to, concerts, shows, favorite places to hang out...etc.

We men are simple creatures, we are not hard to figure out. We like movies with explosions, food with ketchup, and girls who come with manuals.
You dont need to send us weird signals to get us, we often dont pick up on them, a confident girl is a hot girl.

I will say this though... get to know the guy of your dreams before you try to snag him. Sometimes dreams are nightmares and you can't change people.

My advice is not to try to get him at all. Love comes when you least expect it. Remember a watched pot never boils...

Q: In 2009 Libra is meant to find love or something.

But is Libra going to fall in love or are people going to fall in love with Libra?

Thanks

Seeing how love is a two way street, looks like it will be both

Q: I've been with my current boyfriend for almost two months now, and he's a really nice guy, and he is very thoughtful and emotional. I just don't think there's much of a connection between us. I've had a few other boyfriends before, and whenever I am with him, I don't feel the way I think I should...I don't feel attracted to him, I guess is what I'm saying. But I feel guilty dumping him because he is an amazing boyfriend. He buys the best presents and says the sweetest things to me. So, I'm wondering, is it worth it to dump him and hope someone that makes me feel the way I think I should comes along? Or should I just be happy with what I have?

This reminds me of a 90's teen movie. All the girls go to the theater to swoon over the lovesick boy, but if that happened in real life, he wouldn't have a chance.

You should hang out with single girls on Valentine's Day.
Or go for a girl's night out and listen to them talk about their dudes.

Then when all the other girls complain about their boyfriends, the ones that dont call, the ones that lie and show no respect or attention, you can think about the guy at home waiting for you to call.
You will hear them just "wish they could find a nice guy who is sweet and does things for them."

If that doesn't change your opinion, then just hit the road. Life is too short to be unhappy, but rare people come along once in a blue moon

Q: Male, 26.

I'm of Arab descent. Earlier this evening, my girlfriend's sister asked me if when I marry my girl, will the dowery will be in goats.

I got pissed, and stormed out. And then my girl chases me down, and starts telling me that I should develop thicker skin if I'm to deal with her family, because they will make comments like that all the time, regardless.

The thing is, my girlfriend didn't use to condone comments like that, but then she went overseas for a year, and when she came back, it's like somehow I'm always wrong, and that I have to let her family disrespect me like that.

I'm not crazy because I got angry about that, right?

You're not wrong. They are.
If you feel you're always wrong, and she lets them talk to you like that, it may be time to reevaluate that relationship. Do you really want to be in a situation where that will come up and you HAVE to have a thicker skin?
I know you love her and not her family, but if it goes farther, her family will be your family.

I would have told her sister that a dowery is a symbol of respect, and at this rate they wouldnt even rate an invitation from you. If you storm out, make it badass.

Q: my boyfriend always calls me beautiful and gorgeous and i never know what to say back except "aw" or smile... what do guys like being called by girls? i asked him and he said he didn't know...but theres gotta be something.

were both 16

it depends on him, try different ones out. All of mine have been from inside jokes me and the girl of the moment would share.

The safest bet would be not to call him "Fiance". Hardy har har

Q: Iam a 19 year old female and around thanksgiving of 2008 I weighed about 168 pounds and now I weigh about 158 pounds so i've lost about 10 pounds. How can I lose 30 more pounds?

I lost over 62 poundsweight in the span of 3 months.

Two things:
1st: A diet and excercise doesnt mean jack without the desire to do anything about it.
For me, I just had a breakup, and would rather have felt the burn of a work out than the burn of heartbreak. (I dont suggest that for everyone) But you have to have a reason to make you not cheat on your diet everyday and keep working out.

2nd:
Black mail yourself. Post a picture of yourself every week on your myspace in an album just for your progress and make it public. You will have tons of people rooting for you, and it's hard to fail when people are rooting for you. (Ive done this... it worked wonders the pictures are still up)

Q: People always say to me on myspace or your gorgeous your beautiful and your so pretty . I dont really feel that people see me that same way in person . I feel that im getting more complements on a website then i do in real life . In person some people say oh you wear too much makeup oh your nose is wierd and youve got acne and all of that i sometimes find myself that im never pretty anymore .... That im only pretty in picture then i am otherwise . Is there any real reason why i feel this way ? Help please ? .

-torii babiiee *

Online personalities and real life personalaties differ.
It's easier to tell a girl she is hot on the web with no danger of getting shot down or a slap in the face.
So take that to heart. People probably feel the same in real life, but dont have the guts to say it in person.

Myspace is a playground anyway, so for every hour you spend on it, spend two hours going out with friends

Q: Hey im 17/f. There is this guy at my work who is 20/m. he is really cute and very nice. Can always make me smile. He has been flirting with me alot lately people have been realizing. I know this may sound stupid but i dont know like how to flirt back and let him know im interested. I dont even know if he has a girlfriend or not or if he likes me. How do i find all these things out myself? Please and thank you for your time!

Ask him out casually after the end of one of your conversations. "Hey what are you doing later?" sort of things... Every girl who has ever asked me out has gotten a yes from me. (Except one, but you probably have both your eyeballs)

A confident girl is kinda cool. If he says no, dont sweat it, just say "Ah well, just thought you'd want to hang out outside of here..."

The good news is, asking people out is like killing a person in the movies, the first one is always the hardest, it gets easier after that.

Q: [i didn't know whether to put this under love life or sex]

so last night me and my boyfriend were making out and somehow i ended up straddling him. he took off my shirt then my bra so then i took off his shirt. he started going down on me (still had pants on) and started taking off my pants...there i drew the line and said "not yet"..then he looked at me and said that he wasn't gonna do anything bad, so i said well what were you gonna do? and he said "idk i didnt really plan it i was just gonna wing it" ...what do you think that means? im almost positive he was planning on having sex because we didn't have a condom and he said he wasnt gonna do anything "bad"

my second question is, we were kind of like dry humping...like sex with pants on...i wouldnt be able to get pregnant from this right?

thank youuu for answering any of my questions

and were 17/f and 17/m if that has anything to do with it.

I've winged it before too... it always ended where you thought it would.

Even if you didnt mean to, that stuff can get outta hand.

You cant get pregnant from dry humping, but remember... Spooning leads to forking

Q: i'd say i'm a pretty girl. i dress very put together each day and wear nice outfits from great stores. i get tons of compliments all the time..but i have no confidence at all. everyone at my school goes to parties every weekend & is just so outgoing and thats just not me. i've always been shy .. i'm nice to everyone and try to make small talk with a bunch of people .. but it really doesnt go further than that. i have a number of close friends but really only 3 best friends. . but none that are boys. i make small talk with them (boys) but really we are completly opposite. i drink sometimes but i dont go to parties every weekend. we just dont mix. were from completely different groups (pretty much all of them) & its just impossible to even start a friendship. im a junior and all im known as at school is "the quiet girl with the nice clothes whos cute & funny." .. thats it. nothing else. i just feel like a loser. i'm a quiet girl at school but when im with my friends i break out of my shell. no one knows that me though. i'm nice to everyone and give people compliments all the time but no one even gives me a chance. were just all in different groups and its way too late in the game to become "popular" and hang out with those poeple .. or even hang out with other people .. including loners and weirdos in my classes. everyone is just so shallow and only cares about partying and hooking up with peopleand thats not me. ive never had a boyfriend. boys say im cute but thats it. they dont even attempt to ask me to hang out. and if i asked to hang out it would be so weird because im just so quiet. i would not even know what to do or say if we hung out .. im so shy until you really get to know me. i just dont have confidence at all. and i dont know how to change. being quiet has always been me. i dont feel like i should change for other people, but i feel like i have to to actually have fun and not mope around every weekend miserably thinking what it could be like to have a bunch of friends to just hang out with and be crazy .. and even have a boyfriend. can someone advise me what to do?

The truth is, you will never even be happy trying to fit in unless you are happy with yourself.
Cliche' right?
It is.

So if you like music, hang out at open mic nights, or go see some local bands play who have people your age in them.
Go to bookstores, or join a club at school. It may sound lame, but clubs have people and people are who you are trying to meet.
Fitting in is overated. You need to let people see the real you, so instead of being the quiet girl with the cute clothes, you can be the hot girl who is unlike any other girl there.

Trust me, guys notice, they are more afraid of you than you of them.
When you talk to one, remember that it's you who must be impressed with them.