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What's wrong with me???
What's wrong with me?
I've been trying to establish a long lasting relationship for the last 3 years with 3 different women and each one has fallen apart..........and I can't see why? I need help to figure out what I’m doing wrong and need suggestions. I’ve tried to be myself and that’s just not good enough. I mean I have the right ingredients: I'm male, in my 30's, have a secure job in medicine, live in NYC, am well paid, think I'm a nice guy, do things for others without any expectations........and despite all this, things never work out.
I put my all into these relationships……I don’t hold back. I’m willing to do anything for these girls to make them happy………I’ll sacrifice sleep, time, energy, effort, money…. Things always start out well but then things turn and the relationship sours. I always feel I’m not doing enough and when I pull back , they pull completely away…….I mean what is it………….Am I too ugly? Too short? Too needy?
I’ve put in so much effort. Every time things end, I become more bitter and upset and depressed. It takes a hell of a lot out of you………and each time I pick myself back up, I get knocked down. Is gets difficult to remain optimistic.
I don’t need reassurances that things will get better….I need advice as to how to improve them.
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It seems like you might be the type of guy who attracts takers. The right woman for you is going to put a little effort into keeping you happy, too. Don't get your eye on the most beautiful chick with the hottest body because no guy is going to be able to keep her happy. why don't you give a little on the looks department (not much) and hook up with a woman who is still hittable, but more attainable. Let her put a little work in, too.
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Have you considered maybe it's because you are in love with the idea of a long lasting relationship and not the woman (I say this because that's 3 in 3 years)
You got the base (job and personality) but that shouldn't define you, it should be an accent to you.
I do think you might be trying too hard. Women are way more complicated than us guys. They analyze everything about us and their situation. Most girls are not used to someone being so involved in their lives, they analyze that too, and sometimes it scares them away.
You need to be the one dimensional guy you are expected to be, sure... breaking up takes a lot out of you. That's why it's called a break up, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, remember to get the REAL reason they left and chalk that up.
Don't get depressed, repeat all the good points you just wrote to yourself, that's your mantra, that's what sets you apart. Sell yourself like a classified ad, and remember that chicks dig confidence but are turned away by self doubt.
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Hmm.
At first guess I'd say you're far too needy and probably something of a doormat. You try way, way too hard.
All the right ingredients you mentioned form a stable platform for a relationship to develop on. But none of them are by any means necessary.
I'll read something back to you.
"I'll sacrifice sleep, time, energy, effort, money... I always feel I'm not doing enough"
Then you ask "Am I too ugly? Too short?"
If you were too ugly or too short, you wouldn't start out well to begin with. Too needy? Probably close to the mark.
When you are with a woman and you are constantly trying to fix something, both sides get the impression that something is broken. That something is wrong. Relationships are give and take, and you sound like you're trying so hard not to take that you give, and give, and give, and give. Way too much.
Something you might want to try. Call an ex. Ask her if she would mind talking to you for a minute. Make it clear you aren't trying to get back with her or at her or anything, you just need to know where you screwed up. What did she NOT like about the relationship.
I'd be willing to put money on a response that goes something like "You were suffocating me, I don't need to be taken care of I need to just be cared for, and paid attention to"
Women want to be paid attention to. They want to feel like you listen, and at least somewhat understand them. I honestly don't think you do (understand them).
Its also possible that you freak out. Are you constantly asking them how they feel, if everything is OK? Go rent Waiting if you want to know what I mean. Look at the guy who can't pee in public. Seem in any way familiar?
For someone as successful as you seem to be, you don't seem to be very confident in yourself. You're giving us factoids about your life but you don't seem to draw confidence from them. Rather, they are just logical justifications of why someone SHOULD be interested in you from your perspective. I mean, the entire tone of your question is plaintive.
You need to chill out. Get a hobby, blow off some stress, hell have a drink if you can do it without being an alcoholic. Women don't want a guy who is as wound tight as you seem to be.
Lastly, yeah it takes a hell of alot out of you. Getting dumped sucks. But you do need to get over it and get over yourself just a little. Moping around in misery isn't going to add to the attractive factor.
If you post some specifics, maybe some information on any feedback, anything the girls have said to you, etc I can help more. Private questions welcome. Maybe give me a play by play of your last relationship and especially detail the moment it seemed to be going down hill.
Also, details like how often you call, what YOU say, examples of the attention you pay them, etc would help.
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have you ever thought maybe you're trying too hard? and you've gone for the wrong women?? maybe you need to find someone wanting to settle down with you, ready to give up all other men for you.
i know what you mean by getting back up and getting knocked down again. ive gotten knocked down repeatedly by the same guy. and we're going out again for the third time. already im feeling things arent going to last.
you know, sometimes you just have to wonder if all this time and energy is worth putting into the girl. like i said, maybe its the right girl, and you're trying too hard. take it slow. dont be so quick to commit and open up. keep her guessing. romance her. a guy who tries too hard and calls me 88 times a day just to see what im up to is kind of annoying.
what you might wanna try is always keeping her on her toes. after the first date, dont call her for a couple of days. and dont ask her out till the second or third time you call. sometimes, act like you're too busy. but be SUBTLE. dont make it seem neglectful. that'll just hurt her. just sometimes maybe call 1 or 2 times a day. and then just when she has her doubts down, or seems to, get her something nice. or take her somewhere special.
i really hope you find that special someone. you seem like a nice enough guy. but some girls in their 20s and 30s, it seems like, they only wanna have a good time. not a commitment to keep. so be careful, and have fun :)
take care.
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