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October 19, 2004Answers:
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out of the kindness of our hearts my husband and I opened the door of our home to my son and his wife. (Just til they get back on their feet) its been 2 years and they are still here!!! My son won't keep a job and is lazy!! He will cook every now and then. Both my husband and I work. my problem is HOW DO I GET THEM OUT OF MY HOUSE?? they have nowhere to go. ITs been 2 years and the daughter-in-law has her first time to wash a dish or sweep a floor. She does not cook or clean.Does only their laundry(I usually have to put it in the dryer-so I can use machine) they pay no rent, nothing on electric(they use a personal electric heater in winter and air conditioner in summer) or water (I pay for city water by the gallon)they eat out a lot and go to the movies all the time...I can't because I can't afford it. so what do I do? how can I tackfully get them to leave? any advise will be appreciated.
Dear mother,
Yes you are kind and generous, but you need to set limits. You also need to be vocal about these limits.
You are getting old and I'm sure you want to have some alone time with your husband after spending years and years of taking care of your son and now his wife.
He is married. It is no longer your responsibility to aid him financially. A few times is okay, but he has been taking advantage of your generous nature and you are letting him walk all over you.
I'm sorry, Mom, but there is no way you can do this tactfully.
I'm going to tell you what to do now, but it will be for your own good: You tell him that him and his wife have ONE [or TWO if you want to be that generous] month(s) to get a job and move out, or else they will have to pay rent for the room they are staying in, as well as their share of the bills, and groceries. Not to mention doing chores around the house.
If they don't comply with these wishes, then they will have to leave any way after ONE [or TWO] month(s) with or without a job. (You would be surprised at how motivated someone can get once they realize they'll be homeless.)
If you really want to make them understand, point out the fact that you and your husband deserve a rest and are not responsible for anyone but themselves anymore and that you are not a mat.
My apologies kind and generous mom, but if you try to do it 'tactfully', you'll just be feeding his laziness and his stomach. It will be a never-ending lesson.
He needs to learn to be responsible and tactful himself, so you have nothing to worry about.
It's life. We all learn such lessons at some point. He has a wife he needs to learn to take care of and vice-versa. You're no one's maid.
I know it may sound cruel, but it's for the better. (I emphasize on the 'It's for the better'.)
If he doesn't learn now, when will he ever learn? I'd certainly hope he isn't planning to stay with you and his dad until you both pass away. That's not such a great goal.
But really, when will he learn? Never, unless you take the proper action. Don't let your son and his wife take advantage of your kindness just because his your son and that's his wife. You've done a splendid job raising him and now it's his turn to raise himself.
Any one know anything about dogs My sheltie has a sore under is neck it doesn't seem to brother him but it sure is ugly. any ideas ?
You need to go to a professional in order to determine the problem. [ie Vet.]
I just found out my daughter is going to be asked by her boy friend to marry him. But before he does, he wants to talk with me and ask my permission. I respect his wanting to ask my permission before he "pops the question"
He is ten years older than my daughter, [30] and I have met him once. He is not from our community and I do not know that much about him.
Here is my question, What questions should I be prepared to ask of him when we do have the "talk?"
Well what questions have you been scratching your head about? Don't be afraid and ask!
Ask him why he chose your daughter and then quietly laugh in your head at how much he will be so nervous on the inside, that he will treat it like a job interview.
I'm just joking.
Be prepared to ask about financial preparations of the wedding as well as simple questions like why he wants to marry your daughter.
Since there is a huge age gap, ask him if he is willing to face the troubles that such a relationship/marriage will face?
Ask him about his background. (Religion, country of birth, etc..)
What really matters is what your daughter thinks of him.
Ok! Well I have to go to the doctor tuesday with my mom to get birth control. Im just really stressing out about the papsmear. I shave down there and Im not sure whether or not I want my mom in the room when they do that. They also have to ask you if your sexually active and I really dont want my mom knowing all that either! Any info, advice, etc.?
Your mom won't be in the room. Just ask her politely to leave and say you don't feel comfortable.
I'm sure your mom knows you are sexually active since you are getting a Pap Smear done.
Why do you think Pap Smears are done after women become sexually active? Don't underestimate your mom.
Even if she is in the room, chances are she won't see a thing. They have curtains in most offices and your doctor will give you the option to either have your mom in the room or not.
Ok, I am 44 yrs. old and my husband is 47, we have been married about 6 months, and are professonal decent people. My problem is my husband is not interested in making love to me, when we first married, we had a decent sex life,. then no more for the past several months. If I bring it up he gets mad. Says hes just tired,or could be his antidepressants he takes, etc.. But he has time to be internet addicted, and reads a lot, anything to keep from being with me. I had caught him on the net several times talking to men, over a year ago, but he had a excuse for that, he was "just messing" with the gay guys for a laugh. Now I wonder. Ive tried talking to him but about this, but he dosent want to discuss it. So what do I do? I love my husband dearly but what do I do, Lonely
The lack of sex can be a product of anti-depressants.
Don't let this get you down. I'm sure your husband cares about you. You don't need to question that, but perhaps he is trying to escape from what really is bothering him by distracting himself with things such as the internet.
Since you are not specific, I have a few theories in mind I would like to share with you.
It's possible he is questioning his sexuality or WAS and now he is making an effort to escape that. Having you around might be a constant reminder of his possible conquest.
If anything has changed in his life recently, either than your marriage to him, it may have a lot to do with the stress levels. Has anything changed in his life lately? A new job? A disagreement ?
Depression and anxiety can leave people feeling insecure and unwanted. It's MORE possible that he is fearful you might leave him and has such irrational thoughts in his head. Some people react as unusual as ignoring their partner or escaping to different areas of the house or anywhere and anything else in order to contain this fear within the walls.
Just be understanding. Don't pressure him. Give him lots of hugs and give him a reason to open up to you, even though you are husband and wife.
Still try to discuss it with him. When he gets mad, just try to talk to him calmly and show physical affection. Such intimacy allows people to open up more.
If more trouble occurs, then I would definitely recommend a couples therapist. No they're not just for troubled couples, but for healthy ones as well. Sometimes, the best solution is to get help from a professional who can improve your marriage through actual human-to-human contact.
should I be proud of what i am?
Hell yes. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
I've been trying to loose some weight. I know i'm not fat, but i'd just like to loose a few pounds. I started last week, and it went pretty well, but i've decided that this week i'm just not going to diet but start up again next week. I know i shouldn't but i have my reasons. But ever since i've been on this diet, all my friends ever do is hound me about it and make fun of me! they always steal my food and count the calories in it, and everytime i tell them to just stop getting involved with this, they tell me to just listen... they laugh at me and count my calories and tell me how fat i'm gunna get, and it's really really annoying and being on a diet is difficult enough since i have a terrible sweet tooth, but they make it worse. I've tried many times to tell them that it's not their place to hound me about what i'm eating, but they don't listen to me and make a big deal out of everything. I have no idea what to do and they're making this really difficult for me. any ideas what to do? sorry it's so long.
Although your friends are being insensitive jerks, you probably voice your insecurity a little too much.
Before you go on a diet for no reason, I suggest you better yourself on the inside. You're young. You can eat what you want. When you're older, you're going to miss that.
You can still watch what you eat. Learn to cook or bake. That way, you can have control of what you consume. There are many amazing desert recipes on the net that are easy to make and are low in fat.
In regards to your reply, your reason was that you wanted to lose a few pounds and it was purely out of choice. I gave you some good advice.
About your friends, you need to address them directly and if they continue being insensitive about it, you can either find new friends who are considerate and understanding or you can have a 'special' spot for the foods you eat, so no one can get their grubby hands on it. Perhaps not eating when they are around, but going to a different room might make them get the point that it bothers you.
well my mom was tellin me we would have to go to the gyno really soon.whats an normal age to go to the gyno.sry i dont know much about this
There is no 'normal' age. When you become sexually active, is when you should make trips to the gynocologist or when you get your period.
ok i got this bacterial infection in my throat adn i was prescribed pills but i dont care much for them. i took them how i was suposed to for a week and i have like a bunch left but i feel fine, should i continue taking them even tho i feel fine?
Actually, you should most certainly continue taking them.
Doctors advise you take medication even after you are better, to prevent the same problem from re-occurring soon again. Just because you feel better doesn't mean it is fully healed.
Ok i need help! i havent really gotten over any guy i have ever went out with. crazy i know but once i really like someone and went out and what not i havent really gotten over them just moved forward in a way. and like i want to not have feelings for this guy cuz he is not good for me or so everyone tells me and i am having a hard time with this.any ideas or ways you do this... any kinda of advise or openions is greatly appreciated.
Lisa :)
You haven't really moved forward. You've just made up a routine to make you think you moved forward.
Perhaps a personal reflection is long over-due.
If your friends are giving you such advice, I suggest you proceed with caution. They can't always be right.
I think you need some alone time to yourself in order to gain a sense of emotional independence.
By the way, just because you think of them doesn't mean you have not gotten over them. Keep that in mind.
i need help my parents stariotype me like if i don't want to study they automaticly think i just want to watch t.v. i don't i have told them that they do that they say the same thing every time they won't litsen to me and i am in major need of help because they blame everything on me even if its not true
Don't bother arguing with them. Just listen to what they have to say and then calmly tell them WHY you don't want to study.
If they don't listen to you, just calmly walk out of the room. They're just being parents. You know you're telling the truth so they'll come around eventually.
Okay so today i went jogging for the first time in awhile. I was planning to jog for 2 minutes and alternate between that and walking. But when it came to jogging, after 3O minutes i felt like I was dying. My throat started to really hurt and i could taste blood but there wasn't blood in my mouth. This ALWAYS happens when i run or jog and i have a friend that it happens to her also. It took a good 15 minutes for my heart rate to go down and about 3O minutes for my throat to stop hurting. Does this happen to you and how can i stop it?
You probably get dehydrated during your jogs and walk. Pack a bottle water or Gatorade with you.
Once you get used to the routine of jogging and walking, your body will be more persistent. You're just not used to this exercise routine yet.
I NEED to learn how to swallow pills... i just cant do it, i have a huge gag reflex but i'm in so much pain and the only med. i can get is swallowable. Anyone know any tricks??
Lift your head up, throw the pill in, then down some water. Your throat will open more and you won't have a problem swallowing it.
okay my [guy] best friends girl friend, who is also my friend since 8th grade, is talking HELLA shit about me...shes always thought that hes liked me more than friends but he doesnt at all..me and him have been best friends for a really long time and me and her have hung out in the same group of friends since 8th grade but weve never been close..ive talked to her many times about if she has a problem with me and why and it always gets resolved but then shell start talking about me after a few weeks after that..im gunna talk to her tomorrow i think because this time shes really over done it..to my face she kisses my ass and acts all fake n stuff and even comes to me for advice on her and her bf/my best friend and im sick of it..whut shold i do without causing drama, etc??
Look.
She is obviously jealous of your closeness with your best friend and is venting by stirring up trouble. She is also weak-minded and intimidated. Take this to your advantage.
Don't bother being nice or sweet to her. Go up to her, make straight eye-contact and tell her 'Look, if you have a problem, I suggest you come to me instead of embarrassing yourself any further with your feeble-minded gossip. If you want to be mature about this, you quit talking behind my back and we can either resolve this conflict right now and you can stop talking about me or you can deal with the fact that I am close friends with your boyfriend, who happens to be my best friend and suck it up. Just because you're threatened by MY presence and existence, doesn't mean you have the right to blab about me. Grow some fucking balls and have the decency and maturity to tell me what the hell it is you want from me to my face."
There. It's that simple. She'll probably tell some people you're a bitch and then your life will seem a little simpler because people won't cross your path. At least you can say you had the courage to be upfront, unlike her. You'll embarrass her like no tomorrow!
There is no other way. You can't ignore her since she is dating your best friend and if you are nice to her, she'll assume that it is her right to walk all over you.
Or, you can just ignore the fact that she blabs about you and go by your day. At least you will look more civil than her.
umm theres this guy that likes me alot and he is def. not my type...... but my friends tell him i lik him bc they feel bad for him... But i dont like him... Im going icekating on my birthday and soo is he.... he is giving me this real diamond ring and asking me out... what should i do?
Your friends are doing a very bad job at being a friend.
If you don't want to go out with him, then let him down. Gently.
Say "Look. I'm really sorry, but I am not interested in you in that way." Then sugar-coat it with a generic comment like "I think you're great and I want to be friends.."
Just don't lead him on. He got you a diamond ring. He means business. Don't hurt yourself or him. Just be gentle about it. You don't want to create unnecessary conflict.
I am a 23 year old female who has been friends with another 23 year old female for 10 years. We have always been very close and we have also been intimate in the past WITH my boyfriends consent. Now she has been going out with my boyfriends brother for a year and a half and now lives with him. I really miss being able to get drunk with her and kiss her and being intimate without any worries and now we can't. My boyfriend could care less if we were like that again because he understands my sexuality, but his brother is completely jealous of us even being in the same room together. It sucks. I wish I could get over it but I can't and I can't get her out of my head, I miss having that close friendship, I could never have that again because no one knows me like she does. Sometimes I think she sends me signs that she misses me like that too, but I am so confused about this! I don't really know what my question is except dizzy wonder on how she is feeling (I don't want to ask her and confuse her too if she ISN'T confused). Maybe I am wondering if I should force these thoughts away and tear them from myself like a limb from my body, keep this as a haunting secert that burdens me every day, or keep hoping something will change. Thank You to anyone who is able to answer this confusing question.
There are two answers to your question:
First, you obviously have feelings for her. Did you ever think about pursuing a relationship with her?
The second answer is that when you do want to commit, you run into her arms as a way of nurturing your insecurity and necessity for reassurance. You've made a routine out of it and this pattern will more than likely destroy your future relationships.
If you want my advice, talk to her. Be open. Don't keep secrets. Explain to her your situation, but I only suggest doing this if you know EXACTLY what you want. Don't string her along for a meaningless ride, unless that is what you want. If so, be up-front about that as well.
I'm not sure how to explain this. But my eyes hurt very badly. It feels like, you use the eye muscles to keep your eyes open, right? When I close my eyes, it feels like the muscles aren't relaxed, and it feels like my eyes are still open and it hurts. I can't even sleep at night because of this feeling. A few things, I spend A LOT of time on the computer. I have glasses that I am supposed to use for reading, but I can read perfectly and I don't use them. My eyes aren't red and they don't itch. Should I go to the eye doctor, or the doctor, or what? Anything I should try?
The answer is brilliantly simple.
Rest your eyes. Limit your use on the computer. You're only hurting yourself. According to research, people blink much less, if at all, when they are on their computers.
Take up a new hobby.
I'm in love with a guy that has girls practically begging for him. He says he likes me too and I write him love notes EvErYdAy..but of course the typical flirty african american popular boy never writes back..and he always flirts with me and we act like a couple. i really like him and he says he really likes me too, i always ask him-"why aren`t we a couple" but its always the same answer...that "he`z been in love before and the girl cheated on him and now he can`t really trust" or "he got too many things on his mind" yet..we hang out and act like we're married or somethinq. I mean-i just wanna wake up every morninq knowing that he`z mine...what should i say to him? i`ve already told him how i feel
There is nothing more you can say. You were mature and open about your feelings. It is time for him to mature and I can't guarantee he will come around.
Just let him know he can trust you. After such a bad experience like his, it can be difficult to earn someone's trust.
If he doesn't come around, then you just move on to someone who is willing to mature and be open .
Me & my cousin used to be like sisters when we were younger. Ever since she was verbally abused by her ex-boyfriend, though, she hasn't spoken to me much. I've tried to talk to her, but she never really opens up to me. I feel really bad because she just got dumped by her "friends" & boyfriend.. But I don't know what to do. I have a feeling that we're never gonna be close again & it hurts :( Is there anything I can do?
Things change and people change. It's a matter of life and fact.
There is very little you can do, but it WILL do so much. Let your cousin know you are there. Even if she doesn't get in contact with you
If you used to be the one who was her crutch and went to her for advice, perhaps she is ashamed she can't do that now. Perhaps she is fearful that your perception of her has changed.
Let her know you're there. Email her, call her, or whatever. Spend time with her when you can.
Even emailing her a cartoon from a humorous website will do the trick. She'll open up in due time. You can't force these things. You can only let her know you are there and will always be there.
Me & my friend "Carrie" are really close. Thing is, she's really close to her soon to be step sister (me & her step. are friends, too) I always feel really jealous around them, because they get to hang out every day of the week & they have so many inside jokes & stuff that it makes me really depressed. Like we were shopping the other day & they saw a Barbie at Toys-r-us (don't ask y we were in there.... lol) & they were like "oh this one's me & that one's u!" It was like I wasn't even there! I mean, don't get me wrong, I love both of them, they're my best friends, but my stomach turns whenever they say or do something that I don't get, cuz I'm not close to anyone but them for the most part. I'm so confused
You're being slightly over-analytical. Your friend "Carrie" is probably ecstatic at the fact that she will have a real 'sister'. Especially if she is an only child, she is appreciating the bond she has formed with her new chum.
Yes you are jealous and yes it is very normal, but remember that you are also their friend and it's not their intention to make you the third wheel.
When you are around them, speak up a little. Talk to both of them. Don't walk behind them and sigh everytime you hear an inside joke.
It's tough having to share your bestest buddy of all, but you have to remember that Carrie is probably finding this new experience with her soon-to-be step sis an easier transition to her reaction to her parent re-marrying. You have to accept and respect that.