Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
Visitors: 29782
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17F
So let's just start out by saying I'm a lesbian. Well at least I think I am. When I first came out, I came out as bisexual only later to feel no strong connection towards guys at all. I am physically and emotionally attracted to females. I am also demisexual, meaning I can't pursue sex in a relationship until the romantic/connection aspect is there.
So here is my problem. I am attracted to guys as well. Physically, and depending on the guy, emotionally/mentally as well. The only reason why I wouldn't pursue a relationship with a guy is because I don't think I could have sex with one. I mean people have said when you're actually having sex it doesn't matter, but if I could only deal with male genitalia during sex, that would create a bad sexual connection.
The reason why I bring this up is because lately there is one guy who has caught my eye. A bit older, artist, cute and has a great personality. I've gotten the hint that he's into me and as much as I want to pursue it, I don't know if I can.
Do you think I'd be more comfortable with sexual aspects of a relationship with a guy if a romantic connection were to happen? Or do you think I'd be better off just dating girls?
So confused. (link)
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Completely agree with you reply so far, re. soak up experiences with an open mind. Try not to pre-define your sexuality and thus let the assumption determine your experiences. Instead, let your experiences define and determine your sexuality. You're putting the cart in front of the horse a bit I think?? You've identified the fact that you will only find a physical relationship (with either a guy or a girl) really satisfying and enjoyable when there is already a strong emotional connection in place. A pre-determined 'mind-set' will act as a significant barrier if you let it. Reinforcing the belief 'I am a lesbian' for instance, will not give the chap you're feeling attracted to much of a chance. It won't help the emotional connection you need arise and develop, will it? Try not to think of your sexuality as 'absolute' (something you must determine and fix for all-time). And remember that being bisexual does not necessarily entail pursuing relationships with both sexes simultaneously. The 'male partner who does (or alternatively does not) mind you having emotional/sexual liaisons with girl-friends' is not the only scenario. In fact, if you were committed strongly to say, a particular female friend the relationship may be entirely exclusive. Leaving no need or desire for 'another romantic connection' be it male or female. So, in essence, don't try to 'label yourself' at all.
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I can't tell you how many times I read questions about people who are asking about their self harming. I don't get why people would this. And the worst part is they ask it in a very matter of fact way. Honestly, it makes me really upset when I read these things. I almost tear up (link)
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It is indeed a psychological 'coping mechanism'. An act which reinforces a sense of control, the ability to 'feel' and there is often a strong link with a deisre for some kind of 'self-punishment'. A physical realisation of 'beating yourself up' mentally. The act becomes compulsive, addictive. Why do some people do it? When apparently it is so 'easy' to explain? And you would assume, equally 'easy' to talk them out of. Let's take a lateral thought. Ever looked ahead on a long straight, road...on a hot sunny day? And the road in the distance looks wet, or even as though it ends in a lake? Common enough, it's called a 'mirage'. OK. Go online, or get a book from a library and learn EXACTLY how the laws of physics create this phenomonon. Alright, you understand it completely now....but despite all your undertanding YOU WILL STILL SEE MIRAGES! Where am I going with this, you may well ask? In short, certain mental (often behavioural) mechanisms do not 'work' on a level which is controlled by or can be 'spoken to' as it were, by the higher intellectual powers of our brain. They are more fundamental, deeper. Beyond the probing of a simple 'question-answer' or 'problem-solution' approach. Which is what behavioural psychology is all about. If this stuff interests you strongly (you say it upsets you...you'd like to 'help' people in this predicament, maybe?) then you may be looking at your future career. Why not??
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So me and my boyfriend are going through a difficult time. I just found out that he had kissed and had oral sex with another girl. I found this out from his best friend who I'm also close with. His excuse was that he didn't remember because he was so drunk. I decided to give him a second chance, although I am starting to wonder if it was the right choice or not. He hasn't made any effort with our relationship, but still insists to say that I am all he wants. He has no time to come and see me, he'll say he's coming to see me but then go out for a drink with his friends instead. A lot of the time he would not reply to my text messages. He tells me he would never hurt me again and I'm the only person he wants to be in a relationship with although I don't know if I still have the feelings I once had for him, what should I do? (link)
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Hi there. Forgive a rather frank opening, but really there must be quite a few guys who would find a girl who doesn't mind him having oral sex with another girl is indeed 'everything he wants'!!! And your face is rather in the frame, is it not? Really, it sounds like he 'talks a good relationship' but when it somes down to actions he's nowhere. Talk is cheap, always has been, always will be. I'd suggest you look closely at the 'relationship' (which appears to involve him doing much as he pleases while you forgive him, to my eye)and decide what you really want. Maybe you feel he's 'worth it'...? What I really would NOT suggest you do is EVER let it get to a Third Chance, unless you want to kiss goodbye to your self-esteem completely. Sorry if this sounds a little judgmental, harsh even. But really, don't you think you deserve and have aright to a little better than this? Best wishes, and choose wisely, as they say.
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for some reason recently I have been feeling somewhat miserable and empty. I also keep longing for the past, keep thinking about is "I wish I had did this or I had done that" or "I wish I had talked to that person or that person" or "I wish I had participated in this or that activity". And missing people that I no longer see. I think hanging out with friends would be a good way to get rid of this feeling but they have been busy recently. I just feel empty and down. I don't know how to feel better. And I am only a 22 year old guy (link)
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They do reckon that we often regret more the opportunities we missed than the things we did do. But man, at your age it's not a lost cause...believe me you can't have wasted or lost the thread your life at 22. There's MILES of it ahead of you! How about taking stock, maybe? New Year's resolution? As long as it's not illegal, immoral, unethical or downright dangerous you'll have a little nibble at anything promising that comes your way in 2014? Jan & Feb are the months when we're notoriously at a bit of a low, mental and even physical. As for old friends. Look them up...but if you find you're struggling to find something to say to any of them, maybe give those particular contacts a miss. The game's not over my man, it's only just begun for you. You can make of it what you please, within reason of course. And if you're not making a few mistakes, then you're not making ANYTHING AT ALL!!
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I forgot to mention an important detail. He is my ex. We dated for seven months. Broke up when he left for college in August.
I was the 18 female, with the paradoxical love situation, if you recall (link)
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Yes I certainly do recall. It is of importance, since I believed you were still 'together' but finding it hard to reconcile the independence vs freedom issues. I assume one of his 'excuses' was that leaving for college meant that the relationship could not continue? Firstly, do you feel that if he had not taken this path then the relationship would have continued, albeit a with the issues we've talked about still unresolved? Or not? In effect, was the move to college a convenient excuse or a real barrier? OK, August was a while ago, but not neccesarily long enough for this all to be 'ancient history'. There's no reason why a couple could not maintain a relationship under these circumstances, providing both want to, and are committed to it. That 'C' word again! I am assuming you are still in contact with this guy? Daily contact would be a better situation to weave a little of that magic we discussed, drawing out (by hook or crook!) exactly what he's trying to escape from. It is virtually impossible to 'change' another person, but we are infinitely capable of change if we ourselves truly wish to. If we are given sufficient motive, means, opportunity...and a little encouragement in the right direction! I am still hoping that you can talk him round, change his perspective. This question is about you, not me...but I have fought with a strong reluctancy to commit myself all my life. Do you know, you spend your time doing EXACTLY what you thought you wanted...and end up missing the one thing you need, the real treasure that life is capable of holding. So perhaps I am more than a little biased in your favour! Was there a sudden 'sea change' in your relationship? Or was he always a little distant, a bit reluctant to throw in all his chips, as it were. To back you and you alone, come what may? Do you feel there was a strong connection beneath his uncertainties? Equally important, do you think HE felt there was? Or, bottom line...now, with the benefit of hindsight do you feel (please don't hate me!) that he never really saw you as a long-term commitment? You'll need to search yourself, I think. To face some uncomfortable questions and possibly some painful answers. If you can find enough positives from the past, and still generate a spark with him in the present then I think you should pull out all the stops, as it were. Be strong and determined...and he's a lucky guy that you care enough to try. If, hand-on-heart you draw mostly negatives then try to move on. If this man knows of the thought and effort you are putting into him, he damn well ought to look up to YOU, by the way. So no more talk of feeling somehow 'inferior' to him, OK? You know where we are if you need a little moral support or advice. Follow your heart. X CJB
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Female age 18.
I'm working on winning over a man. It's a chase for love. He loves me, and I love him. He lives far away and is bad with committment, and says one of the only reasons we can't be together is because I look up to him too much and he needs someone independent. How do I prove or become more independent? Don't give me the "don't change for a guy" speech, I'm willing to fight for what I want. He's close to me, we've already had sex twice, and said I love you. But he keeps getting scared and giving excuses. Thanks. (link)
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Hi there! Might be one where an outside and detached eye picks up something you might be overlooking. Self confessed committment-phobe? Probably the strong underlying cause of him 'getting scared and making excuses' rather than anything YOU are doing. It's no crime of course. A man might well hold back from going 'all in' as it were. For many a reason. Loss of freedom. A feeling that 'couples are boring and settled'. Uncertainty. Not really finding that strong sense of connection. Just a few ideas to think about. So, your heart's set on one of these 'difficult' guys? Let's have a think. Worries that you depend on him too much...suggesting it may be the 'loss of freedom' angle that's driving him. That you'll be a little too demanding? Right, you admire him. What you DON'T want to do is come across as 'clingy'. Proving your independence, and at the same time trying to form the partnership (the antithesis of being self-contained!) you desire is indeed a paradox. Being a little cooler towards him? Maybe not...you might just freeze each other out of the running. Too enthusiastic and you'll set his commitment alarms ringing. How about using a little empathy and 'mirrorring'? Fire up some conversations where YOU express YOUR (fake!) worries and anxieties about committing to another person. How scary it feels. And see what you can draw out of him. Have some well-rehearsed lines about the benefits of a loving relationship...and introduce them with a 'question' inflection. Like 'I suppose couples kind of........ ' say you bit and finish-off '...don't you think?' In short, start putting real positive committment vibes in his head, but in such a way that he'll think they were HIS IDEAS. Devious? You bet...but all's fair in love my dear! Keep at it. As for not being good enough for him. Nonsense! We don't fall in love with our partners status. Identify your strengths, your qualities. And whenever you get a chance to shine, don't just shine.... absolutely SPARKLE!
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Ive had a bad personality for a while.. I cry and look at negatives a lot. Ill cry over the smallest things bc im so hurt inside. How can I stop and learn how to take stuff better? Not cry and not look at things bad.. Everyone says I need to "Glo Up" meaning grow up and stop doing what im doing. I think way to much and idk how to stop (link)
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Hi. You seem to be going through a low patch and seeing negatives everywhere. We're human. We cannot really maintain a perpetually 'up' and happy state of mind, although we can often make the effort to 'put on a brave face' as it were, to the world. And people saying 'don't worry' and 'cheer up' is no answer. There are times when worrying is the correct response to a situation, there are times when 'cheerful' is not the frame of mind demanded. However, a lot of the time there's a lot of truth in the line "There's nothing good or bad, that thinking doesn't make it so". Are you with me? I see what your friends mean. That is, don't cry and look for all the negative aspects, but make the effort to find any possible positives and put a more hopeful 'spin' on things. Those that really do lack anything you can truthfully call a 'plus', try a little 'damage limitation'. Isolate it. Does it really have any great power to hurt or harm you? Or is it something that with a little distance and perspective won't be quite such the disaster as it might seem right at the moment? I'm not sure the 'grow up' advice is really that valid. Young children do seem to live in a little 'world of their own' as you might say. They can be happy to almost hysterical levels, and their tantrums when foiled can seem equally passionate. But to a more adult eye, these nursery and school playground dramas are in most cases...well..pretty trivial to put it bluntly! Don't you think? Adults usually come to accept that yeah, some things are very signifcant. Some things work out great, and some things are just 'OK', could be a little better or could be a lot worse. Some things we can strive to imporove, some we just have to accept as they stand. I get the feeling that you ARE growing up here, and taking onboard a more mature outlook. Don't assume you are childish or sinking into a clinical depression that needs therapy or medication of some sort. It might well just be that 'transitional' period, a shift of perspective. Make the New Year a new start? Analyse each experience as it comes. Prioritise. Judge it on it's merits. React appropriately. No gloomy introspection or sulks mate! Seek the positive and build on that. You're OK!!
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Okay so I've never really given a hand job before and I want to know how so that I can give my boyfriend one. I've looked up how to do it, but the information doesn't really make sense to me. Most say I have to do a hand job AND a blow job, but I'm not comfortable doing a blow job. How do I make the hand job something that we both would enjoy and how do I make it a good one? (link)
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Hi there. There's absolutely no need for your love-play to include oral if you're not comfortable about doing it yet. So set the rules first. For us guys, it's really about an action that kind of simulates what would happen during sex (which isn't always what a girl might find most pleasurable when she is bleing pleasured or pleasuring herself. We're a bit less complex!) You cannot really give a guy a handjob until he's fully erect, but that generally occurs quite quickly when we're being intimate with our girlfriends. You'll no doubt find a technique that is especially pleasing for him through experience. As a sort of rough outline, you move his foreskin, and your hand back and forth over dome/head of his penis by holding him between your thumb and fingers, with your thumb on top, fingers beneath. Begin quite slowly, say stroking every couple of seconds. As he gets more excited you increase the speed. Hold him firmly, but not too firmly. A good tip is about how firmly you could squeeze a banana without crushing or squashing it (seriously, this isn't a joke!). It isn't at all easy to accidentally squeeze an erect penis 'too hard' (ie. to the point where it would cause him damage) so don't worry too much about being too exact. After a period of stroking quite rapidly he'll feel the need to ejaculate ('come' or 'spurt' or whatever term you want to use). Most guys prefer their girlfriend to stop stroking and hold them quite firmly and steadily as they begin to ejaculate, until they're 'finished' but see what he enjoys. There's not a 'standard' time for how long your handjob goes on. He might want to finish quite quickly sometimes, or maybe go on for quite a while. And it will be different on different occasions. Of course, you'll find lots of personal ways to increase your enjoyment and his. We have lots of sensitive areas as well as just the head of our penises. Just like you ladies have lots of sensitive areas! I hope you've got a clearer idea of the 'mechanics' of the thing now? And relax, there's nothing that can actually 'go wrong' when giving a handjob, unlike full sex. A case of 'practice makes perfect', and I'm sure you'll find that the practice is an enjoyable, loving & relationship-bonding experience for both of you. Your best chance of making it mutually enjoyable is of course, communication. So talk to each other, ask him what's nice for him and listen to his replies. Notice that I said 'mutual' enjoyment, so don't feel pressured or let him pressure you into giving him oral unless or until you're happy to do so and want to. You're being very intimate with each other and you should always keep repect for each other and yourselves. Have fun, and best wishes.
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Can you please give me tips on gardening??Because the roses i planted didn't grow and i was very dissapointed in them!! I wanted to give some to my mother too!! PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! (link)
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Roses are gorgeous aren't they? They're not as difficult as all that. They will grow in pots but they're absolute water and feed hogs and never get to be the glorious things they get to be growing in the soil. You buy a small potted one. You can plant them mostly all year as long as the soil is 'open', meaning it's not got frost in it. Dig a BIG hole, twice the diameter and depth of the pot. Cut the pot off the rose you bought and gently 'tease out' the fine roots you seen with a dining fork. Easy! Dont pull all the soil off! Get some horse manure (rotted, NOT fresh) or if that's harder to get a general compost you can get from a garden centre is fine. Mix it up, about 2 parts compost to one part the soil you dug out and chuck some in, pop the new rose in and keep filling it with the nice rich mixture. Press it down firmly, but there's no need to stamp on it and go mad! You want to have about as much, but NO MORE above ground as was sticking out of the pot you bought it in. A case of nicely deep, but don't bury the thing! Water it in well. By summer it should have many nice new shoots and will flower the first summer. As each flower dies away, cut it off (called 'dead-heading'). That keeps it flowering for a nice long period. They'll stop flowering with the first frosts whatever, and begin to look pretty sorry for themselves, but relax. They ain't dying or dead! As winter starts to look like easing off (don't wait until spring properly starts) just go over it and cut back EVERY stem to a half to at most two thirds it's length. OK...after this it will look DRASTIC. You'll have a bunch of short, leafless 'sicks' poking up out of the ground and it looks pretty sad. That's EXACTLY how it's meant to look! Buy a top quality rose-food, they're like grains. Read the 'dose', measure it out and do what it says on the box. I put about an inch or two depth of well rotted horse manure around the base in a circle about 18 inches round at the same time. This is an old trick called 'mulching' and it really does work, even though you might think that it won't, as the roots are well underground. Then forget about the rose. It'll do it's thing come summer, and you do the same thing every year. They support themselves, unless it's a 'climber' or 'rambler' breed of rose. Then you need to give it a nice trellis to ramble or climb all over, naturally! I'm not a keen gardener by any means, but I wouldn't be without roses. I've got plenty that are 25 years old or more. Beautiful, and they really are much tougher and harder to kill than you think. ps. Don't pile on liquied feed and fertilisers or spary it with stuff that first spring/summer. Let it get what's called 'established' for a year. Good luck! pps. The same applies if you're growing them in pots. Make sure it's a MASSIVE pot, about twoo feet in diameter and about as deep. The like plenty of space! And you need to water and usually give them a liquid feed mixed in with the water while they're flowering, as often as it says on the bottle. In the ground, they really take care of themselves and do a lot better.
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I am in 9th grade and we are doing the swim unit and boys and girls do it together. At first I was thinking of asking to sit out since girls seem to be vicious monsters who enjoy humiliating anyone that is not perfect but now I read that while swimming you can easily get an erection when you are a teenager? Is this true? I cannot risk that happening. If it is true I am definitely sitting out
(link)
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Hi there. First off, I love your description of girls as 'vicious monsters who enjoy humiliating anyone that is not perfect'! Does seem that way a lot the time mate, doesn't it?? Don't be too cynical though. Is it the thought that swimming/water can cause you to become erect? Or that you'll find yourself getting horny because you're surrounded by undressed young ladies? Guys can have erections, that is we 'get hard' due to purely physical responses. Simply a flow of blood to the tissue of our penis makes it enlarge. But mostly we (of course) become aroused due to mental/sensual stimulus, that is one or more of our senses 'push the button' as it were. It's about impossible to predict if or when it might occur. Often anxiety, or fear, ('nerves' if you like) can act as a very strong 'brake' on the male sexual response. The brake is partly physical, partly psychological and it's difficult to precisely divide. I'd suggest you don't sit out, but FRONT IT OUT. Try to get over the idea that if you DO get a hard-on (full, or just semi), and that someone of either sex does notice, that it's a humiliating or embarrassing event. It's perfectly natural. Grit your teeth, man-up and follow the 'Well, I'm a bloke, it's a perfectly natural response...what's your problem??' approach. That should disarm most attacks, if you carry it off with confidence! It's unlikely that a teacher or supervisor will draw attention to it, or ever mention it. Unless they are very bad at their job, or have a lousy attitude. Generally, they'll understand the situation perfectly. And you won't be the first, last or the only one by any means.
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16/F
For as long as I can remember, which would be from about age five until present day, I've always easily developed crushes/romantic attraction towards book or television characters. I didn't think much of it then and from what I heard from friends, I definitely wasn't alone. What I'm wondering now is, as a teenage girl who has never had a boyfriend nor any real romantic contact with anyone, is it normal of me to still entertain thoughts like this or is this perhaps the cause of my lack of contact with others? (link)
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You do seem to have analysed and identified this one yourself perfectly. You're far from alone, it's normal and harmless and it does act as a stand-in for a real romantic connection in many cases. The tv celebrity is inherently 'safe' and of course, 'perfect'. And as your previous reply states, yes many a woman married and reasonably (or even entirely) satisfied with her 'real life' partner can and will often look with a wishful eye at a glamorous and handsome (or in some way attractive to her) celebrity and have little daydream! And yes, keep things real. You want to try and avoid obsessive thoughts and behaviour of course. After all, choosing a random celebrity...it's unlikely you'll ever actually meet them. Not because they're famous and you're not, they are real people too and have the normal friends and romantic associations. But simply because it's a rather large world! You're doing fine, no need to worry about this in the slightest. But don't let it mentally/emotinally stand in the way of real human relationships. Us guys do it too of course. Noticed you said 'THE cause of my lack of contact'? Again, you've reasoned this one out nicely yourself. Try thinking 'BE-cause of my lack of contact', if you're re with me? Think about the relationship between 'cause & effect'. Then you'll stay on the right track I reckon. Best wishes.
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I was wondering what I could possibly do to make my mom like me again. It seems like after the "child" stage, she stops liking her children. My mother isn't horrible. I don't think of her as the devil or anything but she is very very mean sometimes. Ever since I was about 12 she started talking about me. Not like a mother should talk about a daughter either. She used to make fun of my weight (I had thyroid problems we found out..) She would say that I would turn out like my aunt (she's overweight but not like she needs to be in a hospital sort of way) or that I would be 500 pounds by the time i'm 16. I'm currently 17 right now and my weight still isn't the best but I do try. She's stopped saying all that kind of stuff now. Occasionally, she'll say I need to watch what i'm eating but that's it. My father and mother actually separated last year so it's been extremely tough. She used to fight with my dad but now it seems that i'm her new target. Everything I do is wrong apparently. I'm fine in school, I don't drink/smoke and i'm ALWAYS home (which is a problem to her..?) I always get around to what she wants me to do and i'm literally always there for her. She's recently got a new boyfriend who's an "inspiring artist". He has no job other than painting here and there and he's super super shady (no pda other than inside, no facebook postings, no nothing). He doesn't try to talk to me at all because apparently i'm intimidating to him. I mean if you're dating a mother you should at least try? He's not the problem but he is a huge distraction to her. Ever since he came "back" into her life, my mom seems to want nothing to do with us. She rides with him on his motorcycle literally HOURS away from where we live, doesn't come home until late and always ALWAYS says that she "doesn't want to be a mother anymore" and "go ask your father if you can live with him because i'm done." I mean what could we have possibly done to make her hate us this much? (I have two brothers too.) I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I've been her punching bag for long enough and I would try and give her the world if I could but I just can't. I don't know how to. I'm just a high school student that doesn't even know where she wants to go anymore. I feel like my hope is completely drained and I can't help but feel lost and sad all the time now. Another problem is that I don't have a job. It's not that I don't want one, it's just that I live maybe 20+ minutes walking time away. I wouldn't mind it but I have terrible OCD when walking highways because i've almost been kidnapped about seven times now. It seems like the world just wants me to give up. Every time I feel like i'm a few steps ahead something just comes in and brings me back to the beginning. I don't want to go back to how I used to be but I feel like that's where i'm headed again. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would really help.
(Therapy is a NO; i've already been through 3 therapists. Court therapy is also a NO; I've already done that and gotten in trouble for it. My mother does not want to go out of her way to fix this/talking to her is like talking to the wall, I must have cried to her a million times by now/living with my dad is a NO too) (link)
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Hi there. You're at an age where parental relationships are notoriously 'difficult' anyway. Even the most previously harmonious relationships will tend to break-down. Perhaps not so much breakdown as change, and they must of course change. You are no longer a child, not a little girl any more. Having said that, your relationship sounds as though it's going through a particulalrly rough and upsetting phase. Upsetting for both of you, we'll come back to that? Meanwhile, it doesn't sound as if you are really putting a foot wrong. You're not rebelling in the more common ways, such as substance abuse, prolonged absences from home, poor academic career etc. I think you're going to have to acknowledge the fact that the relationship breakdown between your mother and father is the key issue here. No doubt it hurt you in many ways. But how much do you think it hurt her? So she's got a new boyfriend...so she must be over him and OK, right? Wrong! There will be many, many unresolved issues in her mind. Regrets and remorse, searching for blame, feelings of guilt, rejection. The list is endless and we cannot simply 'start a clean sheet' as it were, and remove those years from our minds and memories. It sounds to me like her particular reaction is very much one of a kickback. Drawn to a rather avant garde, 'free and easy' (though in reality few of us are really free) partner. (ps I hope not doing Facebook doesn't make you shady, or I'm shady!!). Maybe the very opposite in character to your father? And perhaps being a 'mother' with all it's entailments doesn't quite 'fit in' with her new, re-invented self? Hence the rejection of family, establishment... basically 'ties' in a word. She will I'm afraid, tend to turn on you to some extent, find fault in everything you do or attempt to do. Partly, you're there and we tend to kick the person closest when there's nobody else to kick. And partly, she (perhaps not conciously, which makes it even harder to address) may well see you as the 'focus' of her own problems? We're looking at some pretty complex relationship dynamics here, are you staying with me? There's maybe a tendency to think 'Yeah..right...psycho-babble' at 17 and move on to another reply? But I really do feel that, in effect the problem is basically HERS here and not yours at all. There's no alternative living arrangement that's workable. And maybe, wouldn't that be a bit of a cop-out, running away from it? From the way you write you are analytic, reasonable and I think of higher than average intelligence? You sound rational and mature. You acknowledge that you're past the 'child-stage'. So it might be time to really make the effort to move your relationship up a phase. Perhaps, forcing it a bit, rather than simply 'letting it happen naturally'. It's not going to all just drop in your lap straight away. You share, at the core, the same hurt. So empathy and understanding should be a good basis to start from. I do hope that her new relationship is one that will ultimately bring them both, and you a lot of happiness. I wasn't suggesting HE is just a part of her reaction. Thought I should clear that one up. First thing to overcome is the 'stone-walling', don't let a hint of condemnation or any 'selfish' vibes show. Even if you feel they are quite justifiable, that's not the way to build empathy. Hope I might have lent you a few ideas, maybe a bit of insight? YOU are in fact going to have to be the therapist and psychologist. Are you up for the challenge? You'll probably learn a lot about yourself in the process. Bit of a long answer. Hope again it might have shed a little light?
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Ive been going thru depression and I used to tell my best friend every thing and lately I've been so distant with her and it's been hard for me to explain how I feel.. How can I start being able to open up again? And how do I start it? And how can I say sorry for being so distant? (link)
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Definitely with nnaattalie, depression does make us intoverted, and look only within ourselves. It can shut us off to the world around us, almost completely in the darkest periods. It's partly a 'protection mechanism' that tries to help, by closing us down to any more negative influences. A sort of de-sensitisation. But of course it shuts out the good vibes too, if I might describe them as such. The difficulty explaining how you feel, or even understanding it yourself is sadly all part of depression too. Distant, detached, confused, protecting yourself from any more hurt...all part of the kit. This best friend is one of your 'get out of jail cards'. And isn't depression just like being 'locked in' too? So make the effort, whatever it takes. Say sorry by all means, but qualified with a 'please let me try and explain' dialogue. She won't be a magic 'instant-fix' of course. It might be a long hard road back. But you WILL get back. And It'll be that little bit easier with a friend, and your best friend at that, beside you. And who knows, one day you might find the roles reversed, and need to be there for her? Your clever, inbuilt human nature is directing you towards her right now, isn't it? That's why you posted the question. And it's directed you right here for a little guidance as well! Listen to that inner self, and go with it. Best wishes for a brighter new year mate.
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So i will sum this up for all of you out there. I got a computer and have had it for not to long, maybe half a year or so, and it just stopped working. It turned off one day and now when ever I try and turn it on it makes a kind of buzzing/beeping sound and its in bursts so it could be code of some sort but anyways when it is turned on before the buzzing you can hear the fan boost on really loud. It is a dell desktop if that helps. So thanks for your help and have a nice day. (link)
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It is a code, yes. Beeping and failing to start or 'boot-up' as it's known can often mean there is a corruption or error in the program that starts the computer itself up and then launches the Operating System (Windows, usually). The good news is that there is always a connection on the motherboard that can be made by moving the connector from one pair of 'pins' to another, and sometimes temporarily removing a little back-up battery as well. This resets this manufacturers 'program' to the standard, 'as it came out of the box' setting. If you've got an IT savvy friend, it's a job that takes just minutes and needs no replacement parts or anything. It's about the very best place to start. Ask him or her about 'doing a bios reset' for you and if they know what you mean, you're in luck! It may be something much more involved, as your other reply mentions, such as a fatal hardware failiure. But with a complete 'no-show' when you switch it on and a string of beeps, the bios is a likely candidate. Good luck. (You can change bios settings and I have occasionally, in a failed attempt to 'improve' things when putting more RAM or a slicker graphics card in...and yep! I cocked-it up and got the 'beeps'. And had to get someone to show me how to reset the bios. It's a handy bit of knowledge to have, but won the hard way!)
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I'm 15 and there is this boy that I like at school, we're not together or anything though.
Anyway, I bought Christmas presents for a few of the boys in my english class (including him), spending just over £2 on each of them (they all got the same thing). The next day he gave me a present back (even though I'd said he didn't have to) and it was a £10 box of chocolates. I feel bad that he's spent so much more than I did and also treated me differently to other people (he didn't buy anyone else a present..).
I'm not really sure what to do now or whether I should suggest that we maybe meet up at some point in the Christmas holidays? We're both quite shy people so I don't want to make anything awkward.
(link)
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Indeed, let's forget all about cash value here. This guy who bought you the £10 chocs, and didn't buy gifts for any other girls? Do you like him, and I mean specially like him? Or is he just a mate, like the others you bought gifts for? I reckon what you do hinges totally on this question. If he's special...thank him for a lovely gift. And definitley arrange a little time together. Anything. A look at the January sales and a drink and a bite to eat in town? Watch a movie with him, at home or the cinema? Anything. My reaction is that he's maybe shy, but likes you a lot and he'll be wishing like crazy that his gift will get a response. So respond!! Are you worried that he's looking at your gift and thinking "Huh...she didn't spend much on me...I can't mean much to her." Forget it. If he likes you (like I reckon he likes you) he won't give a damn...he'll treasure it. Thoughts like that will only creep if if you let the momentum of his gift-giving run down and go cold. Seize the moment, my friend...if you like him. Happy Xmas!
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"i'm not at hiv infected person" i just tested my self because i had oral sex with girl friend 11 months back so tested to know whether i have infections or not.
you mentioned
"given the possible consequences of a false result. And 6 false results is seriously stretching credibility."???????
what does that above sentence stands? (link)
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Hi. In response. My comment about consequences was because I thought you were in some doubt that you might be positive and the tests were wrong, mistakes or not reliable. I was reassuring you that the tests are very reliable. A mistake might for example lead to a pos guy or girl having unprotected sex with a partner believing there was no risk. I understood (perhaps wrongly?) that you meant it was 11 months since a suspected exposure and you had taken six tests in that period. A few misunderstandings perhaps? On a very welcome note, I do happen to know for a fact that there is NOT one single documented case of the virus being passed either way from having only oral sex. Symtoms are of course physical effects which occur from your immune system being attacked and compromised by the virus. No virus means no symptoms. Hope your mind is completely at ease now? Have a good xmas mate!
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i have tested for hiv after 11 months it came negative, i have done around 6 tests (rapid elisa (Negative),elica (non reactive), WB (Negative, DNA qualitative PCR(Not Detected), my concern is that you have mention that some people take 5-10 yrs to develop symptoms, is this after testing or without testing??? (link)
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Possibly some confusion here, as I am not an authority on all aspects of hiv and testing. I am certain that the virus entering the body, and the period between this and it progressing to full blown aids may be entirely WITHOUT any symptoms whatsoever? Which is why testing is absolutely essential for anyone who has a good belief that they have been exposed to the virus. They test for the virus, not for symptoms. I think I can see where you're going. It's quite possible that one could contract the virus, unknowingly, and after 5 to 10 years without any medication to control it, they could then show the (severe) symptoms of aids? I am not aware of any evidence that the virus can lay dormant, evading 6 tests, certainly not over 11 months. But I am not a doctor or engaged in any sort of research, private or professional. I'd tend to think you are negative. The testing procedures are well-established and have to be reliable, given the possible consequences of a false result. And 6 false results is seriously stretching credibility.
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I find myself always locked up in my room, and at first I felt suffocated I craved what I didn't have "love" Physical love, nothing sexual but, someone to lean on. I hardened my heart because of the loss of un-gained love and lived off of watching Romance dramas and movies, I feel happy and sad and every emotion you could imagine, I suppose I enjoy the controlling of my own emotions, but for some reason when I cried or when I cry I love the feeling, I found myself wanting to cry, does that make me over emotional, I honestly don,t know if it does but, if it does then why do I hide my tears from others, is it that I am afraid to be judged, not really, but I suppose crying makes me feel more humane, because my one hardened heart wouldn't allow me to feel, is it wrong to love to cry? (link)
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By some coincidence, if coincidence exists, you've struck a chord. Pour you coffee black, stick with me for a bit and we'll talk if you like? My reply would possibly have been a little different a year ago. I'm male, and English and decidedly NOT known for emotional outbursts. 'Positively detached' would be a fairer description! It's generally accepted now even in western culture that 'it's good to cry'. That we should 'let it out'. Certainly, it's a cornerstone of modern (although it's not that 'new' anymore) psychology that constantly suppressing strong emotions will always have significant, and generally negative and/or self-destructive consequences. Though the precise nature of these consequences is difficult to predict, and will depend on myriad other influences which have gone into forming an individual's character. I notice that you, like me value the ability to control emotions? I have certainly found that those who lack self-control always lack self-respect. I see also here a maturity of outlook, in that you draw a clear distinction between physical/sexual 'love' and the need and desire for an emotional connection? I can vouch personally that it is possible to enjoy the former without any particular desire to form an emotional connection. So long as it is either tacitly, or even explicitly agreed. That is, neither really want or expect anything else from the relationship. You may or may not approve of this behaviour? But I seek to speak openly and honestly. The emotional connection can, likewise exist when there is no physical realisation. But in most cases a couple who 'click' on this level will want to be physically intimate, and rightly so. This 'ungained love' is likely to indeed 'harden your heart'. As we discussed, in another person this may lead to a complete rejection of the idea of 'true love' and he or she may well embark on a series of deliberately casual and possibly unsuitable encounters. If you follow my line? We talked about suppressing strong emotion. This does not necessarily mean hysterical outbursts. Some may handle it with a quiet despair, which is OK. They are still dealing with it. I guess by the style of your writing that you are not generally given to hysterics? In those who are, the constant and predictable over-reaction loses much of it's significance to both themselves and those around them. We simply accept that they are of the personality type that tends to fly off the handle at the proverbial 'drop of a hat'. Again, there is no right or wrong here. No definitive 'normal'...just 'normal for them'. The arts (and I firmly include motion-pictures as an art) have long been a 'vehicle' as it were to 'play out' strong emotions in a way which is inherently 'safe'. That is, we are not personally hurt...we do not feel the massive gut-wrenching emotions of the characters ourselves. This is certainly not 'wrong'. The director and author/screenplay writer, and actors would be delighted that he or she can touch-off an emotional response in their 'audience'. I feel though, that their artistry is hitting on an emotion in you which is far from fictional or make-believe? There is something real here, and it's burning you? Then we must take a positive if we can. I would guess from what you have written that you want, need even, to be loved with honour, and dignity and respect. Not simply 'fancied'? This is a bit of a punt, and I may be well off-target. My apologies if so, I have only what you have written, and what it has implied to me. If the crying helps, then go with it. It is perhaps of little significance whether you cry privately, or are seen to cry when we are dealing with intensely personal emotions. The age old 'crocodile tears' are so often merely an outward display. "I'll show everyone how upset I am by letting them see me cry. I'll grab myself some attention...." Cynical? I think not. You posted a personal question, and it deserves a personal response. Quite recently I wept sorely, in a way I never have before. I will not bore you with details, but had it not been for a chance meeting I would still be able to say with complete honesty and conviction, that "I really never break down and cry." It was with (but not over) the most intuitive, understanding and serene woman I have ever known. I would like to say it was cathartic, liberating and healing. That by some bright magic it resolved something closer to my heart than anything has ever been. But I cannot. It was not an experience I can say I enjoyed, but it was deeply affecting. As I spoke to her, and held her and cried I felt strangely more 'alive' than perhaps I ever have. And I believed somehow that this precious thing could somehow work out against overwhelming odds. Maybe just a bit of her magic rubbed off on me for a minute...she's like that! You are not wrong to cry. You are not wrong to feel deeply. I hope that your feelings are returned in full when you give them. With a happy ending...just like the best movies, eh? And don't fight to harden your heart. It's a hollow victory. I'll wish you a restorative Christmas and may the New Year be your best yet. X. CJB
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Hey everyone :)
I'm sorry if I offend you in any way in this question.
I started to think it would be amazingly problem solving if the world did end on December 21.
Now there's something you all need to know before you answer this, angrily.
I'm a very happy person, I love my family, I love everyone. I just see my life, & everyone's life, as pointless. Everything I care about, everyone I love, is not permanent. Everything dies, nothing lasts forever. So I don't see the point in caring so much about a life that is so unimportant as the ones we lead. This is something that really worries me at times. I feel like my thoughts are very negative, me being the happy, very grateful & thankful person that I am. My own thoughts confuse me sometimes, though.
I think that with all of these people I see on Facebook with completely naked pictures & people saying they hate their parents, bath salts, babies with iPhones, people who don't say I love you to their parents because its "embarrassing", crimes committed every day that involve deaths, people with no confidence, peer pressure, jealousy, addiction, teen pregnancy, rape, shooting in a theatre, shooting of children that could be the next president one day, & just
negativity in general.
I'll tell you one thing. When people commit suicide, I don't feel bad at all. In fact, I don't respect the idea of it at all. It's kind of even funny to me. The only people I would cry over taking their own life is a schizophrenic. They all have a good reason to want to die. They're trapped in their own brain. The brain is such an important thing to have control over. It literally summons up everything that ever happens for you (if you're confused, watch the movie "The Secret") and to not have control over it, you're basically as good as dead, anyway
People take things for granted. I would never take my family or my friends, or anyone who wants to be around me in general, AT ALL for granted. My life is too important to me for me to be spending it with hate.
Keep in mind, I want to live my life. I want to be happy as much as possible. But I can't just sit back & not say anything about the very sad & careless things that happen every day, & the crimes committed toward innocent people every day. This is my first attempt at saying something. Feel free to call me names, speak your mind. I want to know what people think.
Is it bad that I feel this way? Am I the only one? Am I wrong?
Any comments/opinions are appreciated.
If in any way, this upsets you, please let me know why.
Thank you for reading :) & have a nice day :D (link)
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Hi. You've got a lot of stuff going on in your mind at the moment. All bubbling away and possibly putting it down in a fairly structured way like this and posting the question was a very smart move. There seems to be a theme running through it, the one you more or less open with. The feeling that life, and the people and things you love are not permanent, fleeting almost. It will all pass, and what purpose will it have served? I think that maybe mankind has argued this many times. On a personal level (via the philosophers and great thinkers) and collectively (through religions and belief systems in general). At his (her!) core, I believe that man is probably not equipped to deal with the concepts of eternity and infinity. (Let me use 'man' to mean mankind, icluding women from here on...it's easier!) I would argue that as much as the greatest thinkers (formal, not hocus-pocus!)can explain and even quantify the infinite, even they cannot truly have an intuitive understanding of these concepts. They are beyond the probing of our minds. We are temporal creatures. We live out the span of our time on earth, and eternity rumbles on largely untroubled by us. We surround ourselves with other people, our own projects, ambitions, loves and hates. Most share the same span. A Newton might leave his laws of physics, an architect may leave a St. Pauls Cathedral, a Tolstoy or a Shakespeare may leave his body of work. But in the light of eternity, even the Great Pyramid is a fleeting, short-term structure. I can see also that you seem to be dwelling on the deplorable acts of man. The majority of them involve the conscious acts of individual people...murder, rape, mass-shootings are not random acts of 'evil'. Each is a deliberate act. The unwanted pregnancies and addictions likewise do not just spontaneously 'happen'. Each is a specific act of self-determination. We ponder here the 'dark acts' of individual men. Yet man is not, I believe collectively 'dark'. And YOU are not 'dark' for gazing into these waters. You have conscience, care and feel deeply about the world around you, the world you are a part of. You have 'humanity'....and it's a good thing. I believe tha all men do have to a lesser or greater extent, a shade of this 'darkness' in them. It exists as the counterpoint of 'light' (the happy, grateful and thankful 'you'). Bad things are of course 'not good'. But that doesn't mean that bad things aren't anything at all. The evil is as real as the good, the ugly is as real as the beautiful...and so on. It was Confucius I think who said 'A man is better employed lighting a single candle than he is in raging about the darkness'. Journey on....seeker. There's light in you!
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Hi, I am a writer, and I am looking for inspiration based on other personal experience.
Please help me by telling me your story.
It can be about:
-First love
-Family loss
-Friendship gone wrong
-Dream became your reality
-Found Happiness
-Blessed
-Unexpected situation
-Change
-Loneliness
ETC....
Thank you, and I hope to hear from people soon! (link)
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How about some inspiration? Loneliness: Is loneliness being alone? Not always. We can spend time with many people, engaged in many projects and feel lonely. Perhaps loneliness is missing one particular person, even when we are not alone. Perhaps it's thinking of all the things we want to show and share with them...but cannot. Maybe sharing them with others just makes us feel more alone? Found Happiness: Is happiness a place, maybe not or we'd all live there. Is happiness a goal, something we work towards and achieve? Then keep? I believe happines is not the destination, but the journey itself. Something that just happens at times, along the way. We can no more sustain continual happiness than we can keep continual misery. A transient, fleeting thing maybe?
Change: The only constant thing in life is constant change. All things, all situations develop, evolve, are modified. A fixed law of nature. That which is beyond change is dead. The past of course, is beyond change, but we are not defined by our past. Unless we allow ourselves to be. First Love: It's sometimes said that the first time we truly love, we love the other person. Each time after that, we only love the feeling of being in love. Friendship Gone Wrong: Any relationship which has the power to bring us happiness entails the power to bring us hurt. Only apathy, or 'not much caring' can't go 'wrong'. Maybe because it is never actually 'right'? Blessed, Dream Becomes Reality: Maybe they can. With one important caveat. Dreams are easy, reality needs work. Are we blessed when they do? Perhaps an unexpected 'break' might be called a blessing. But part of 'the breaks' is recognising a 'break' when it comes along and grasping it. We cannot rely entirely on something being predestined, or 'meant to be'...work again. Family Loss: Death and separation are strong, intrinsic fears of human nature. Death bears the distinction of being beyond all possibility of change. Separation carries always the hope of a reunion or a second chance. Which type of loss is 'easier' I wouldn't care to say. Any good? Told you more about MYSELF than I intended here....whoops!!
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