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humorist-workshop
Same girl with independence question
I forgot to mention an important detail. He is my ex. We dated for seven months. Broke up when he left for college in August.
I was the 18 female, with the paradoxical love situation, if you recall
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Yes I certainly do recall. It is of importance, since I believed you were still 'together' but finding it hard to reconcile the independence vs freedom issues. I assume one of his 'excuses' was that leaving for college meant that the relationship could not continue? Firstly, do you feel that if he had not taken this path then the relationship would have continued, albeit a with the issues we've talked about still unresolved? Or not? In effect, was the move to college a convenient excuse or a real barrier? OK, August was a while ago, but not neccesarily long enough for this all to be 'ancient history'. There's no reason why a couple could not maintain a relationship under these circumstances, providing both want to, and are committed to it. That 'C' word again! I am assuming you are still in contact with this guy? Daily contact would be a better situation to weave a little of that magic we discussed, drawing out (by hook or crook!) exactly what he's trying to escape from. It is virtually impossible to 'change' another person, but we are infinitely capable of change if we ourselves truly wish to. If we are given sufficient motive, means, opportunity...and a little encouragement in the right direction! I am still hoping that you can talk him round, change his perspective. This question is about you, not me...but I have fought with a strong reluctancy to commit myself all my life. Do you know, you spend your time doing EXACTLY what you thought you wanted...and end up missing the one thing you need, the real treasure that life is capable of holding. So perhaps I am more than a little biased in your favour! Was there a sudden 'sea change' in your relationship? Or was he always a little distant, a bit reluctant to throw in all his chips, as it were. To back you and you alone, come what may? Do you feel there was a strong connection beneath his uncertainties? Equally important, do you think HE felt there was? Or, bottom line...now, with the benefit of hindsight do you feel (please don't hate me!) that he never really saw you as a long-term commitment? You'll need to search yourself, I think. To face some uncomfortable questions and possibly some painful answers. If you can find enough positives from the past, and still generate a spark with him in the present then I think you should pull out all the stops, as it were. Be strong and determined...and he's a lucky guy that you care enough to try. If, hand-on-heart you draw mostly negatives then try to move on. If this man knows of the thought and effort you are putting into him, he damn well ought to look up to YOU, by the way. So no more talk of feeling somehow 'inferior' to him, OK? You know where we are if you need a little moral support or advice. Follow your heart. X CJB
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