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how to prove independence
Female age 18.
I'm working on winning over a man. It's a chase for love. He loves me, and I love him. He lives far away and is bad with committment, and says one of the only reasons we can't be together is because I look up to him too much and he needs someone independent. How do I prove or become more independent? Don't give me the "don't change for a guy" speech, I'm willing to fight for what I want. He's close to me, we've already had sex twice, and said I love you. But he keeps getting scared and giving excuses. Thanks.
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Hi there! Might be one where an outside and detached eye picks up something you might be overlooking. Self confessed committment-phobe? Probably the strong underlying cause of him 'getting scared and making excuses' rather than anything YOU are doing. It's no crime of course. A man might well hold back from going 'all in' as it were. For many a reason. Loss of freedom. A feeling that 'couples are boring and settled'. Uncertainty. Not really finding that strong sense of connection. Just a few ideas to think about. So, your heart's set on one of these 'difficult' guys? Let's have a think. Worries that you depend on him too much...suggesting it may be the 'loss of freedom' angle that's driving him. That you'll be a little too demanding? Right, you admire him. What you DON'T want to do is come across as 'clingy'. Proving your independence, and at the same time trying to form the partnership (the antithesis of being self-contained!) you desire is indeed a paradox. Being a little cooler towards him? Maybe not...you might just freeze each other out of the running. Too enthusiastic and you'll set his commitment alarms ringing. How about using a little empathy and 'mirrorring'? Fire up some conversations where YOU express YOUR (fake!) worries and anxieties about committing to another person. How scary it feels. And see what you can draw out of him. Have some well-rehearsed lines about the benefits of a loving relationship...and introduce them with a 'question' inflection. Like 'I suppose couples kind of........ ' say you bit and finish-off '...don't you think?' In short, start putting real positive committment vibes in his head, but in such a way that he'll think they were HIS IDEAS. Devious? You bet...but all's fair in love my dear! Keep at it. As for not being good enough for him. Nonsense! We don't fall in love with our partners status. Identify your strengths, your qualities. And whenever you get a chance to shine, don't just shine.... absolutely SPARKLE!
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