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I love when I cry?
I find myself always locked up in my room, and at first I felt suffocated I craved what I didn't have "love" Physical love, nothing sexual but, someone to lean on. I hardened my heart because of the loss of un-gained love and lived off of watching Romance dramas and movies, I feel happy and sad and every emotion you could imagine, I suppose I enjoy the controlling of my own emotions, but for some reason when I cried or when I cry I love the feeling, I found myself wanting to cry, does that make me over emotional, I honestly don,t know if it does but, if it does then why do I hide my tears from others, is it that I am afraid to be judged, not really, but I suppose crying makes me feel more humane, because my one hardened heart wouldn't allow me to feel, is it wrong to love to cry?
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By some coincidence, if coincidence exists, you've struck a chord. Pour you coffee black, stick with me for a bit and we'll talk if you like? My reply would possibly have been a little different a year ago. I'm male, and English and decidedly NOT known for emotional outbursts. 'Positively detached' would be a fairer description! It's generally accepted now even in western culture that 'it's good to cry'. That we should 'let it out'. Certainly, it's a cornerstone of modern (although it's not that 'new' anymore) psychology that constantly suppressing strong emotions will always have significant, and generally negative and/or self-destructive consequences. Though the precise nature of these consequences is difficult to predict, and will depend on myriad other influences which have gone into forming an individual's character. I notice that you, like me value the ability to control emotions? I have certainly found that those who lack self-control always lack self-respect. I see also here a maturity of outlook, in that you draw a clear distinction between physical/sexual 'love' and the need and desire for an emotional connection? I can vouch personally that it is possible to enjoy the former without any particular desire to form an emotional connection. So long as it is either tacitly, or even explicitly agreed. That is, neither really want or expect anything else from the relationship. You may or may not approve of this behaviour? But I seek to speak openly and honestly. The emotional connection can, likewise exist when there is no physical realisation. But in most cases a couple who 'click' on this level will want to be physically intimate, and rightly so. This 'ungained love' is likely to indeed 'harden your heart'. As we discussed, in another person this may lead to a complete rejection of the idea of 'true love' and he or she may well embark on a series of deliberately casual and possibly unsuitable encounters. If you follow my line? We talked about suppressing strong emotion. This does not necessarily mean hysterical outbursts. Some may handle it with a quiet despair, which is OK. They are still dealing with it. I guess by the style of your writing that you are not generally given to hysterics? In those who are, the constant and predictable over-reaction loses much of it's significance to both themselves and those around them. We simply accept that they are of the personality type that tends to fly off the handle at the proverbial 'drop of a hat'. Again, there is no right or wrong here. No definitive 'normal'...just 'normal for them'. The arts (and I firmly include motion-pictures as an art) have long been a 'vehicle' as it were to 'play out' strong emotions in a way which is inherently 'safe'. That is, we are not personally hurt...we do not feel the massive gut-wrenching emotions of the characters ourselves. This is certainly not 'wrong'. The director and author/screenplay writer, and actors would be delighted that he or she can touch-off an emotional response in their 'audience'. I feel though, that their artistry is hitting on an emotion in you which is far from fictional or make-believe? There is something real here, and it's burning you? Then we must take a positive if we can. I would guess from what you have written that you want, need even, to be loved with honour, and dignity and respect. Not simply 'fancied'? This is a bit of a punt, and I may be well off-target. My apologies if so, I have only what you have written, and what it has implied to me. If the crying helps, then go with it. It is perhaps of little significance whether you cry privately, or are seen to cry when we are dealing with intensely personal emotions. The age old 'crocodile tears' are so often merely an outward display. "I'll show everyone how upset I am by letting them see me cry. I'll grab myself some attention...." Cynical? I think not. You posted a personal question, and it deserves a personal response. Quite recently I wept sorely, in a way I never have before. I will not bore you with details, but had it not been for a chance meeting I would still be able to say with complete honesty and conviction, that "I really never break down and cry." It was with (but not over) the most intuitive, understanding and serene woman I have ever known. I would like to say it was cathartic, liberating and healing. That by some bright magic it resolved something closer to my heart than anything has ever been. But I cannot. It was not an experience I can say I enjoyed, but it was deeply affecting. As I spoke to her, and held her and cried I felt strangely more 'alive' than perhaps I ever have. And I believed somehow that this precious thing could somehow work out against overwhelming odds. Maybe just a bit of her magic rubbed off on me for a minute...she's like that! You are not wrong to cry. You are not wrong to feel deeply. I hope that your feelings are returned in full when you give them. With a happy ending...just like the best movies, eh? And don't fight to harden your heart. It's a hollow victory. I'll wish you a restorative Christmas and may the New Year be your best yet. X. CJB
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