I'm a woman in Texas. I'm married and have a school-aged child. I have a medical background. I'm quite liberal, socially. I love helping people with medical, parenting, and social questions. Don't ask me about tech stuff or finances, because I need advice on those things myself!
Gender: Female
Location: Texas
Age: 34
Member Since: December 17, 2006
Answers: 795
Last Update: September 2, 2007
Visitors: 50087
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Xenolan
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I have two younger brothers (10 and 14) and me (16) and today me and my mother were talking about how old we're all getting and how fast we're growing up and she said "well not fast enough" and i asked what she meant and she said, "as long as you guys are this young i cant leave your father" and she completely broke down and started crying and said "I cant take it any longer" and i said "just leave him now" but she refuses to do anything until we're all married and on our own, but i hate this because i havnt noticed until now how miserable she is, my dad keeps telling her she's worthless and treating her like crap and telling her we're bad children and its all her fault - she's a bad mother (when she's really not!!) And the thing is he's been treating her like this for about 6 years, (we call it "the daily burst out" everyday my dad has to use her as a verbal punchbag for atleast 1 hour before he can go out and pretend to be happy, its like his way of getting all the anger out so he can live a normal life... he had a pretty messed up childhood) I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. i cant mak myself grow up any quicker!! or my brothers.. and i feel bad telling my mom to leave him like this. and she wont anyways. WHAT DO I DO??? (link)
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The advice you already have is great, however, there's something else I would advise. Give your mother this phone number: 800-799-7233. It's a national hotline for abused women. Don't worry, they have ways of making sure your father doesn't find out she is calling. The counselors there can help her sort out how she feels about what's going on including her reasons for staying. Then, they can help her formulate a plan for the right time and way to leave and all of the things she will need to do first. If your mom is careful and does things she needs to do before she leaves (like getting copies of all of the financial papers, your birth certificates, etc.) she will have an easier time when she makes her break. You might benefit from speaking with a school counselor or another person who can help you alleviate your guilt about being your mother's stated reason for staying. I hope it gets better.
Sabine
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about how much is it to spay or neuter a bunny? (link)
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Call your local humane societies and vets. I don't know the amount (I think it's about $70 for a cat), but I do know that they sometimes offer low-cost clinics and events.
Sabine
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hi, well im 15, and male. im going to do work experience in may, which is organised by the school, and i might have to go for an interview. im probabaly going to get a resterant. So, what do i wear? should i remain casual, or smart? because im only 15, do i need to go there will a full blown suit, cufflinks and all? thanks in advance (link)
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In addition to what the others said, I'll give you another perspective. You want to look like you'll fit in. Really, you want to go to the interview dressed like your boss-to-be. Visit the restaurant beforehand if you can. Find out the menu and prices and how the servers are dressed. If you're interviewing for host, you may wish to be a little more dressy, meaning wearing hip/trendy shirts or nice shoes. If you're interviewing for a kitchen position, you should probably wear nice Dockers or slacks and a long-sleeved dress shirt. Make sure they fit conservatively. You don't want them hanging down around your hips. The key is to look polished and groomed. Don't wear sneakers. Wear your shirt tucked in and wear a belt. Wear an undershirt and button your shirt conservatively. Have your hair cut well (trendy or conservatively, depending on the restaurant) and make sure it's clean and styled. Make sure you smell fresh, but not overpoweringly perfumed. Make sure your hands are soft and clean and your fingernails are trimmed. No facial jewelry is acceptable if you want to make the very best impression possible. You may not be the guy from the Sears ad every day, but for most job interviews, you want to put out that sort of impression. Good luck.
Sabine
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Yesterday I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. I didn't bleed and it didn't really hurt (but then, I WAS drunk.) I ride horses a lot, I use tampons, and I DO masturbate. He asked me seriously if I was a virgin before that and I told him yes, but I don't think he believed me...Is there any way I can convince him? (link)
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Uh, why convince him of anything? If you trust him enough to sleep with him, he should trust you enough to tell the truth. Otherwise, you're not in a good relationship. You should tell him that you were a virgin, that it's the truth, and that any further questioning will lead you to believe that he doesn't trust you and will put a serious damper on your relationship. That should be the end of the discussion.
Sabine
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Okay allow me to demonstrate an opinion on this subject: Some cycopath retards keep asking me questions about sex and what to do and how they do it with other guys and as it is completely gross and wrong and perverted I haven't yet answered them i ignored them xcept my friend didn't. but so I think I know them they are people that hate me for no reason at skool and I need to know what to do
Thanxs in advance
:) (link)
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Tell them about Dr. Drew. They can call in on his show and ask him questions. They can read Dan Savage's column in the onion. They're obviously jerking you around, so tell them if they continue to ask you questions, you'll let the counselor know that they are confused so she can call them in and explain Sex Ed. 101 to them. If they have something interesting to talk about, that's great, but otherwise, let them know you're not comfortable telling them what their penises are for. They can look it up or ask someone else.
Sabine
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**I hit my boyfriend yesterday, i didnt mean to hit him that hard. I slapped him in the face really hard, left a mark, plus it was really loud.
**I did it out of anger and surprise, we've been going out forever, but it really was stupid of me to overreact that way.
**He called me fat- kinda, he used the word "plump" which i hate.
**So, I was really pissed for a while and after school I realized that he was too. Instead of stopping where we usually do to hang out, he sped up kinda walking in front of me and didnt hold my hand. Then he looked back and saw that i was hur and was all sweet and comforting, but somehow I was still mad him.
**On the phone, he said that he was only joking and that I took him too seriously. I said I was sorry today.
**I've been in a really bad abusive realtionship before and its nothing like the way I treat my boyfriend, sometimes he'll say "You're abusive" and it really makes me mad because Im weaker and hardly ever hit him. My ex used to punch, kick, cut, and rape me, so slapping my boyfriend a few times when he's being a jerk doesnt phase me as abuse.
Today: He was working and its my little bros 6th bday. I was really busy when he called on his break to talk to me, he could tell I was busy, it was loud and there was a lot of commotion so he was like "you sound busy." and I told him I was and had to go he said "OK" but sounded kinda mad about it. So iwas like bye, Ilove you, but all I heard was a click. I know he didnt hear me say Bye and I love you or he would have responded. But he didnt say bye or I love you to me like he ALWAYS does.
***So, finally, here's my question: How do I get out of this "abusive" cycle, and is it really abusive? Do you think he's still mad at me, he's the best thing ive ever had and i never want to lose or hurt him. (link)
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Hon. It's not the same as what you have been through, but it does sound to me as if you're being abusive. You need to learn to control your anger. Of course, your boyfriend may have been acting like a prick, but that's a reason to tell him off, not to slap him. Call a domestic abuse hotline or get anger management and counseling if you want your relationship (or any future ones) to work because the guy who beat you left a lasting mark on you. You now think it's okay to "hardly ever hit him." It's not. You need to work on getting out of the cycle of abuse that was started with you previous boyfriend. Although I admire you for having come this far, you have not yet escaped completely.
Sabine
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What the heck does circumsized mean? And are more guys circumsized or uncircumsized? And how do females get circumsized?
(link)
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Circumcision literally means 'cutting around.' It refers to the genitals. Please allow me to make this clear. Circumcision done to boys in this country is not the same and what is done to girls in other countries.
Male circumcision in America is done like this: the trained physician takes a days-old baby, uses a skin cream with numbing medicine, like lidocaine, wraps the baby's upper half tightly, and cuts off a few centimeters of foreskin from the head of the penis. The baby is then immediately comforted by the parents or a nurse and nursed or given a pacifier. I've witnessed it. It's fairly painless, leaves no scar if it's done right, and has social, religious, and health implications. Some people are against circumcision. They say it is against a physician's oath 'to do no harm' by cutting healthy tissue and that no social or religious issues override the fact that it's still cutting the healthy genitals of an infant. Sometimes uncircumcised men must have circumcision done later in life because of repeated infections of the foreskin. However, a couple of recent studies have shown that circumcised penises are less likely to spread HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.
Now, what is done to girls in other countries is totally different.
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/
and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_genital_cutting
will both show you the difference. In female genital cutting, female circumcision, or female genital mutilation, (the name changes depending on whether the speaker is for or against the practice)the girl, who is usually between 6 and 12 years of age, has a procedure performed by a midwife-like person with no formal training, by a barber, or occasionally in a clinic. It's often done either in a home or in a booth in a village just for that purpose. Adult female relatives will arrange for this to be done to the child, without her knowledge or consent. The adults hold down the child's upper body and pull her legs apart and hold them while the cutter, using scissors, knives, or sharpened glass, 'purifies' her. The cutter will cut out the clitoris, the clitoral hood, and usually the inner labia, or lips. There is a lot of blood and a high rate of infection. There are different ways of doing it, but sometimes, the outer lips are also cut, then sewn together so they heal together. There is only a pencil-sized opening left for urine or menstrual blood to get through. Then the woman's legs are tied together for several weeks so she can heal. Did I mention that this is all done under unclean conditions by people with no formal training and without anesthetic? It's horrible and many women bear the emotional scars as well as the physical ones.
Why do they do this, you might ask. In some countries, up to 95% of women are cut. It's believed that women are inherently dirty and that a woman who is intact will be promiscuous. In order to keep her virtuous and make her suitable for marriage, her genitals must be removed. Then, when she's married, in the case of the labia sewn together, the husband, using a knife or something, cuts her open again enough for his penis to fit. That's all that will fit. Remember that the clitoris is a nerve ending and is highly-sensitive? Well, between the pain around the vagina and the pain of the scarred nerves, sex is painful. It's done out of a belief that women are inherently inferior and filthy. That they should never enjoy sex and will not be unfaithful if sex is painful. The mothers, grandmothers, and aunts do this to their children out of religious convictions and because they are subservient to the demands of the males in society. What happens when the woman gets pregnant? Usually, either the doctor or midwife cuts her open again for the delivery and sews her shut after the child is born or they will give her an episiotomy (cut from the vagina to the anus) which often rips through to the rectum. As you can imagine, that's a painful and slow-healing injury. There is a high incidence of infection, still birth, women dying during birth, and bleeding to death either during the procedure or after. It's very dangerous in addition to being physially and mentally scarring to the child/woman. It's usually done either on the African continent or in the Middle East.
So you see, there's no comparison between male and female circumcision.
Sabine
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ok tell me if this is sluty:short shorts a grey cami with a black zip up sweatshirt and hoop earrings please help (and advice on changes are welcome) (link)
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It doesn't have to do with the pieces of clothing as much as how short and tight they are on you that determines whether you look slutty.
Sabine
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hi i read your thing to the woman who was circumcised. and you seem to know a lot about it. so i know what they do when they circumcise boys, but what do they do to the girls, and why's it so horrid (link)
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Hi. This is a mostly Islamic tradition performed in places like Egypt. What happens is that when a girl reaches a certain age (the questioner was 6 years old), the mother, (or in the questioner's case aunts), take the girl either into a room of her own house or into the city to a "booth" or rarely (3%) to a hospital. They do rituals, with prayers, and the adults hold the girl down while others pry her legs apart and hold her. Then either a barber, a midwife, or another untrained person uses knives, scissors, or sharpened glass to cut out the girl's clitoris, her labia majora, and sometimes her labia minora. She is given no choice in the matter and no anesthetic. You can imagine the pain of surgery without anesthetic, but the clitoris is a group of very sensitive nerve endings. Sometimes her vagina is sewn shut or her labia are cut and sewn so they heal together and barely allow for the drainage of urine or menstrual fluid. The idea is that when those women get married, their husbands will literally rip them open and they will be sure that they are getting virgins. That ripping open is also extremely painful. This is all done by people whose mindset is that women are property of men. They should not enjoy their sexuality and for a woman to enjoy sex is 'wrong.' It's a thought pattern that stems from the idea that women are stupid and can't take care of themselves. They are inherently dirty. They must be 'purified' so they can be worthy of a man who will take care of them.
Not only is the 'surgery' traumatic, but it's done under non-sterile conditions. Girls lose a lot of blood. A lot of them die. Those who don't go through a painful recovery. Then they're left with debilitating scars. They get more infections and have a higher risk of complications and death during childbirth. The area where they used to have the clitoris is often chronically painful when they sit down or during sex.
It's just a bad, bad thing. Here's a wikipedia article.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_genital_cutting
Please feel free to ask me more if there's something you don't understand.
Sabine
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this is veryy embaressing.
but, what does it mean when a guy is cirsumsized?! (link)
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Wikipedia. It even has pictures.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circumcision
Sabine
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I am 5'6 and about 105 lbs. I feel fat almost all the time. I'm so self conscious. Whenever someone tells me i'm thin, i still don't think so myself. For the past six years, i've gone through periods of not eating much of anything; starving myself. But then after a little while i'll go through a period of eating and feeling guilty and planning on not eating anymore. I've been in an out of those periods for six years. I also don't get a regular period, when i should. I skip months at a time. I'm not really sure what this means.
(link)
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That does sound like disordered eating behavior, most likely anorexia. Here's the wikipedia link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa
You didn't really give us information about your age or what makes you go through periods of starving yourself. You didn't say how all of this got started. I think you do likely have anorexia, though. You should ask for help. (Yes, an irregular or absent period is to be expected given your body fat level and it's commonly associated with anorexia).
Sabine
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is macoroni and cheese, and corn ,good(or atleast ok)to eat if your trying to lose weight?
thnx! (link)
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The problem with this meal is that the macaroni is a processed complex carbohydrate made from wheat and the corn is another grain. The cheese is probably a low quality with high fat and low protein. I count corn and pasta as breads in my diet. The cheese counts as fat, with dairy and protein. You still need a vegetable, like broccoli or leafy greens (carrots have a greater number of simple carbs or sugars, so they're not as good a choice). Eat all of the veggies you want, but don't put a lot of butter or salad dressing on them. Also, try to limit your salt intake as it temporarily makes you retain water and therefore inflates your weight. Use portion control, meaning read the box and measure out only one portion. Don't eat more than one serving if you want to lose weight. You need to limit those carbs to a manageable level.
Sabine
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Dear Sir:
I'm writing 2 u regarding the crises I see that the masterbution is a dirty activity that I've erver faced yet in my life as I'm 19 years old boy here residing in Pakistan that the problem is I can't avoid masterbution, if u can provide some advice regarding masterbution & how do I can avoid this heck activity that would make me thankfull of u.
Urs sincerely
Ahmad hAqIqAtJoE (link)
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Dear Sir,
If you think masturbation is a dirty activity and you want to avoid it, then just don't do it.
Some of us think it's healthy and normal. We encourage it as a healthy outlet for sexual energy. It doesn't hurt anyone.
So if you're against masturbation, keep your pants on and don't touch your penis. Good luck with that.
Sabine
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They've been doing it for nearly a year, saying crap about my favourite bands.
It used to be more about that it hurt, you know it's like they're striking your heart, because music is my soul. The air that I breathe.
But I just took a step back and said "Okay, i'm the one that gets to listen to music in my opinion which is the best, and they are missing out not me." which made me feel a little bit better.
Now it's more annoying how they basically stalk me and say comments about the music I listen to. And when I 'beat them' they just come back with stupid comebacks not worth fighting and then they scream they won.
Once as a comeback I said crap about their favourite music but then they ordered people to try and beat me up. I've told the teachers they say they'll "talk" but never do and I've told my parents who tell me to get over it, it's just a few comments about music and to ignore them. The principal said I bring it on myself (I don't know how I bring it on myself, before you ask) and yeah everyone I should tell I already have and they've done nothing. (link)
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Okay. What this is about is not really music. It's about a difficult situation. You see, they have found your 'button.' They could have said something about 'yo mama' and it wouldn't have upset you. They could have run down your clothes or your appearance and it wouldn't matter. But if they talk about how much your music sucks, then you give them the emotional response they want. They are deliberately provoking you because they know what's very important to you. You have given them this power by reacting to them every time they say something (in the beginning). The only way to stop the taunting is to not let it upset you visibly. Pretend that it simply doesn't upset you. Tell the guys so. After all, if some kids were following me around yelling that the sky was green and down was really up and calling me a moron for not knowing, that, I could easily ignore them and safely know that they're derranged. What difference does it make if they are too stupid to know the truth? Now, while you haven't brought it on yourself, you have permitted these guys to get under your skin and play with your emotions for their cruel amusement. If they continue to stalk you and harass you about music, you can very calmly and acting quite bored with the whole thing, say something like "Oh, guys, aren't you over that yet? What are you doing this summer?" It's simple Pavlovian psychology that once they stop getting their desired response, eventually, their behavior will become useless and they will stop. That's not to say that they won't still try to beat you at something or start talking about your crappy taste in girls or cars or art or wine. If they can find another button, they will push that until it stops working, as well.
Good luck.
Sabine
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my ex boyfriend adn i were really close. i lived with him wehn i got kicked out adn everything. it was great. we had fights but we got over them. now theres a restraining order and its all screwed up. he would go to jail if he was caught talking to me. and he does if i call him. but he complains the whole time. we argue but talk. i dont know. its hard to explain. i love him adn he says he loves me, but in the past he has hurt me very badly. i want to get over him. he has a new gf adn im trying to find someone. but they dont seem to compare to him. i miss him. he told me on the phone tonight that i need to prove he won't get into trouble, how do i do that. adn how will he know. then in 3 or 4 months we can see where it goes. what the hell. should i try to be with him or not
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I disagree with the first advisor. He has hurt you in the past and there's a restraining order. That leads us to believe that he hurt you physically. That's not something that a man does to a woman he loves. If he loves you, then he will leave you alone because unless he goes through some counseling and anger management courses, he will likely just get to a point where he gets mad and the cycle of abuse starts all over again. Why do YOU have to prove ANYTHING to him? He's the one with the restraining order. If he isn't trying through legitimate avenues to get you back, then he does not love you in the way you deserve. Move on, honey, and don't look back! This is not a healthy relationship for you. It's better to be alone than to be together and miserable. Think of the good feelings and the good times and keep them in your heart before your fighting (which you admit still goes on) ruins even the memories of him.
Sabine
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can anyone go to the website and tell me if they're products are good, actually work, is good to your skin and wont' damage it, and isn't a scam?
Like they have this thing that makes your pores looks smaller. Does it actualyl shrink your pores or do they just somehow make it look smaller?
http://www.biore.ca/en/index.asp?fp=1 (link)
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I actually asked a dermatologist about the biore products. He said that the face strips are very good. They do lift out oil, dirt, makeup, and bacteria, and once that stuff is all out, the swollen pore heals and is smaller. You have to do it every once in a while to maintain results. The facial scrubs and other things, he said, are good and they do minimize pores by keeping them clean and healthy. Some of the "ultra deep cleansing" products contain benzoyl peroxide, which can make skin dry and irritated, so I'd stick to the regular products if you have sensitive skin. On the website you gave, there's a quiz which can tell you which products are appropriate for you.
The dermatologist I saw really recommended those strips above all, but he said it's a great product line as well.
Hope it helps.
Sabine
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This is extremely embarassing for me to ask.
I am an 18 year old girl from Egypt, but I moved to the USA when I was seven. My parents got me circumcised when I was six. I am worried that no one will want to marry me because I am circumcised, and will think I am gross. I am very worried because when doctors look at me (just check ups, nothing is wrong with me) they gasp, and make a very big deal out of it.
Please any feedback is so appreciated. (link)
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I know that your parents were probably intending only to do what was best for you when they had you circumcised. They never meant to harm you or make you feel awkward. That being said, it is considered mutilation to circumcise a female in our society, and not arbitrarily so, even though we accept male circumcision so easily. When we circumcise males, we do it usually with anesthesia, and while they are infants. In addition, while female circumcision usually involves removal of the clitoris, the male sexual organ is usually left functionally intact in our society. Female genital mutilation cannot be compared to what Americans see as routine male circumcision. We are not used to seeing something that makes us feel so shocked and allows us to see something we view as torture. Even I, when I read this, thought you probably needed help in dealing with the pain, shame, embarassment, or whatever in the procedure itself. I'm surprised to hear that your issue is not with the pain or the fact that this has been done to you, but rather that you worry how others will react.
One good piece of advice is to let people know in advance what to expect. A trustworthy physician, if you have been completely candid with him or her about what will be visible before hand, will be able to check his or her emotions. We medical types still don't like it, but we won't react as strongly if you tell us before we see it. We still can't help but think of how much pain you must have endured, how betrayed you may have felt, and how horrible it may be for you to show those scars to anyone. To your parents, this was part of their religious duty. To us, this is torturing children and it quite upsets us.
Regarding a potential future husband or boyfriend, it's going to be up to you, again, to educate him and inform him about what he's going to see. You can start off by giving him literature about Egypt and your (presumably) Muslim faith. You can mention female circumcision and slowly ease him into it with a "that happened to me." A person who shares your background or faith may be more understanding than the rest of the population. But anyone who loves you should be mature enough to accept you for who you are.
One final thought: I'm 34 and have had multiple surgeries. I have had eight major abdominal surgeries and have nasty scars with so many lines I look like a map. I have one scar above each breast where chemotherapy ports have been implanted. Then I have a finger that's shorter than the others because it was cut off when I was a child. I have a burn mark on my arm near my wrist and two on my ankle from surgery. You know what I've noticed? It's the scars I can't hide that I'm most comfortable with. Those are the ones people could see every day but they rarely comment on them. The ones I'm most anxious about are the ones I never let anyone see. Maybe if they were visible, I'd see that no one cares. They'd still look me in the eye and see the whole me. My husband sees them and he certainly doesn't care. He still tells me I look sexy naked even though I feel damaged and deformed.
I hope that you can find someone who understands the whole context of your altered body. Know that when you find that person, he will love you for you, not for your appearance.
Sabine
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I was diagnosed with Endometriosis over 4 years ago. I've had 2 surgeries to treat it, been on Lupron for a year and I am STILL having tons of problems.
The most problematic issue right now is that when i have sex or masterbate, and if I have an orgasm I immediatly afterwards am boiled over in pain. It's a very intense pain and usually lasts about 5 minutes or more. Recently, I have noticed that I bleed right afterwards as well. It's not a lot of blood, but still it's pretty scary.
I've seen countless gynos and no one has any suggestions on how to help, or any idea of what could be wrong. I'm just so frustrated.
I'm lucky to be with a very loving boyfriend who understands and helps how he can. But i'm tired of not being able to enjoy sex for fear of the pain. I just have no idea what to do. (link)
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I don't know whether you're done with your family yet, but there's endometrial ablation (it leaves you pretty much sterile). The other things I can suggest are seeing a Pain Management Specialist or using alternative medicine techniques such as accupuncture. If you can, see a specialist in Endometriosis at a major university hospital or reputable clinic, such as Mayo or Johns Hopkins. The people still doing research know about more options. :( I'm sorry. I hope you can find a way for it to get better.
Sabine
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Im 16 and have been with my boyfriend for over a year now we have been having sex for about 8 months and have never had any problems. I have always know I had a septate Hymen and always worried that it could get in the way but it never seemed to as he is very careful. BUT...The other night he got it a bit wrong and snapped it at 1 end.It was VERY painful for a few seconds and i bled alot for a few hours and then a bit the next day and i was quite uncomfortable.I am fine now but as i have been able to analyse the 'damage' i know that it has left the rest of my hymen hanging there and it really is horrible. My boyfriend and I are very close so he knows about it and he says it doesnt bother him at all....but it really does look horrible,and has made me really worried about him going down there and having sex again.im worried its goin to get caught and i dont know what i should do as i have no one to talk to who can help. is this a common thing to happen and will my hymen wear away in time? (link)
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You should see a doctor, dear. S/He will most likely want to do a procedure to remove the remaining portion of your hymen. You don't have to tell him/her how it was broken, incidentally. It can get broken through use of tampons, sports, or other activities. I have known people who had to have their hymens surgically removed. It's not bad.
Sabine
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hm. what was the movie with the lab rats who had to get away because they didnt want to get tested on.its a book too. (link)
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The Secret of NIMH?
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