Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84193
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Well, to be blunt here, I have extreme perfection issues. I know the road to perfection is one with no true destination, but I still strive to reach it. I just wish I had the perfect body, perfect grades (they're A's and B's, nothing below that, but I still wish they were better), and the perfect boyfriend. Whenever I see someone in the spotlight, I imagine that I am her and I am the one who's impressing everyone watching.
Is there any way I can get rid of this desire for total perfection? Thanks in advance! (link)
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Thanks for leaving a question in my mail box. I took time to respond, because I wanted to give my response a lot of thought. I understand what you are saying and how you feel. As you said, the road to perfection has NO destination. YOu say that, but you have not internalized it. And perhaps the advice I give you can help you achieve that. First of all, I am sure that you have probably told yourself that there is no such thing as perfection. Also pefection, like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am sure that people, men and women have told you that you are beautiful, talented, smart, etc, etc. And you hear their words, but the first thoughts you have are of your faults, your detractions and your imperfections. This is what therapist call "stinkin' thinkin'". You say worse things to yourself, than most peopole would ever say to you. You never give yourself a break, and you over compensate for what you believe are your flaws. You won't entertain another persons opinion of yourself even when it is complementary and glowing. This is very sad. Because some day way in the future, you will look back and say to yourself, "why didn't I love myself the way I was." (I know because I do that.) Why didn't I "believe" that I was smart, when all the evidence was there? Why didn't I beleive that I was beautiful when all the evidence was there?
What will you be missing out on? You'll be missing out on loving yourself the way you are. You'll be missing out on intimacy and true friendship with people who are going to love you, even when the beauty starts to fade. Or who don't require you to be a genius to be your friend. I know that todays culture tells to admire beauty and perfection for beauty and perfections sake. But we know little about the real person that is behind that perfection. Like you, many of them do not feel "perfect". Many people have self doubt. Many famous pop stars, athletes and beauties say to themselves "IF THEY KNEW THE REAL ME, THEY WOULDN'T LIKE ME." So many people settle for "friends" that they pay for, or who care for them for all the wrong reasons, as friends. And they have no true friends. It is a very lonley place to be. There are so many examples, and I am sure you know some of them.
For an example to young girls, I use Princess Diana. A true princess in every sense of the word. Beautiful, elegant, kind, intelligent, generous. THE MOST photographed woman in the world EVER. She really could go on $40,000 dollar shoppping sprees. And she did. She could jet set all over the world and be treated like royalty every where she went. He company was sought after by the rich and famous and powerful. Yet she was very unahappy. She didn't think she was good enough, she didn't think she measured up. She didn't think she deserved to be happy. If only she could have taken some of the adoration that was bestowed upon her, and took it to heart. Believed it. Oh not enough to become conceited. Because that is not becoming at all. (And I don't think that is your problem.) Just internalize enough of the adoration to love herself, and give herself a break, and say, gee if all of these people think I am so wonderful, (and many wonderful people did think that, no just fans) then maybe I am. She could have been happy in her skin. With her life. Is is so sad that she died before achiveing that.
And you know, since you are asking this question, I think you are also looking to be happy.
Here is another thought. Trying to be perfect yourself, is one thing. You'll never achieve it, but you'll only drive yourself crazy. But expecting perfection from your boyfriend, lover, children, friends, etc. Puts a REALLY big burden on people that you are supposed to love. Since no one can achieve perfection, why put that pressure on your children, they will grow to hate themselves. BEcause they will hear little words from you saying things like, (and I know because this is how my mother talked to me.)
"Go comb your hair." Tuck in your shirt. What a mess you are. You look like something the cat dragged in." "Can't you do anything right." "here give me that, I'll do it, you can't do anything right." This was my mom, wanting me to be perfect, but she set me up to never be able to achieve it. She never praised my accomplishments, only noticed my faults and mistakes. I soon became afraid to try anything. It is a miracle that I got where I am.
I never thought I was perfect, far from it. But when I run into old friends from high school, and now that I have found my voice, I have learned that many people thought I was perfect, and beautiful and talented, etc.etc. What a waste. To not know. I wanted to be anyone but me. To find out that people (girls) actually envied me, well it floored me actually.
Anyway. This does not mean that you should not make an effort to be the best you can be. IT does not mean that there is always ways to better yourself. Inside and outside. IT is OK to work to stay at a healthy weight. It is ok to take care of your skin, to make sure you look nice when you leave the house. Take care of your hair, your health, etc. I am 54 and I still do that. I refuse to "let myself go". Like so many women my age have done. And I have two children. Boys who are young adults. There is nothing wrong with being classy, and having good taste. But trying to be 16, when you are 40 or 50, well that is just pathetic. If you continue to hold on to trying to achieve perfection, then you may go down that road some day. And it won't work.
So I guess what I am trying to say is, do yourself a favor, and your boyfriend and/or your future husband, and your future children and give up trying to achieve perfection, and work on trying to achieve self love. Loving yourself just the way you are, (and that includes your desire to better yourself)will prepare you to love and be loved by the people who will become most important to you. Believe me, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with a man who loves you because he believes that you are perfect. Because that man is shallow, and that opinion of his (your being perfect) won't last, and he will leave you for another woman who fills his desire for perfection. This would be a man who thinks because he has a perfect woman on his arm, then that somehow makes him more perfect. You know what I mean. Also, it is ok to be proud of your achievements. If you earn good grades, good, then you deserve them, and you should reap the benefits that good grades will bring you. YOu know, better jobs and stuff like that. If you ant to act or perform, then do so, but you won't achieve that by being perfect, you'll achieve that by working at it. It is OK to want to perform and act and receive applause and admiration from people. That is normal. Just don't think you have to be perfect to do it. You have to work at it, and have talent. Many famous people today will tell you that it was a long hard struggle to get where they are.
Here is another secret I will let you in on. What is more sexy and attractive to the opposite sex is not just beauty or perfection....it's CONFIDENCE. You won't be confident if you are always trying to achieve perfection, which you know is impossible. Confidence is what makes men want you. They love women who ARE sure of themselves. Whe you are sure of yourself, have confidence and self-love, perfection won't matter. And you know what, you'll be truly happy.
And you you know that the reason people want perfection is because they think THAT will make them happy! You can achieve happiness anyway. Without driving yourself crazy trying to be perfect.
When you have achieved self love and confidence, what you will find is that most people will still think you are PERFECT. More people will envy you, than you could possible imagine. The best part is that you didn't have to drive yourself crazy trying to achieve perfection.
Hope this helps. I suggest you read this more than once to really understand it. I wish you all the best. Write again if you like.
Michele
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I'm 15, turning 16 soon. I weigh 115 and im 5'5". When ever my dad sees me he always makes a suggestion like, you shouldn't eat that, you're just getting fatter and fatter. And if i ask for money for new jeans, he says, we'll stop gaining weight so you can fit back into them. I wear a size 0, and i'm growing, what does he expect? How am i suppose to cope with this? It's been bothering me so much lately. My sister, whose 20, is like anorexic skinny. She's my height but doesn't even reach 100 pounds. And my dad always compares me to her. What am i suppose to do?! (link)
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I think your father doesn't want you to become a young lady. And if not, it is because HE has some weird problem with it.(Usually it means that he doesn't want you to be seen as a sex object, but to who) Anyway, At your age and height and weight, the only "weight" you are putting on is because you are turning into a woman: breasts and hips, butt. YOu can't stop it, neither can he. But he can annoy the hell out of you for it by calling you fat. He has some serious problems. You need to be a healthy weight. And if you don't eat enough to develop hips and breasts, or if you don't have enough fat on your body. YOu will stop getting your period. Women have a layer of fat on their bodies that men don't have. It makes them womenly and helps them when they bear children. It is a subcuteanous layer of fat cells.
Honey no way you are fat, and I don't think you ever will be.
Your dad's advice is going to stunt your growth and compromise your health. There are so many articles in magazines and on the internet about being TOO skinny. Can;t you find one and print it out and give it to him to read. If he won't entertain the opinions of medical experts, and still thinks you're too fat. Well then he needs some serious therapy. But probably he won't go. Look at what he had done to your sister. I hope you just stay in school, get smart, get some employable skills, and get out of there as soon as you can. That is if you can't find a way to stand up to him and tell him to leave you alone.
Maybe you should show some of those articles to your sister too, and maybe together you can stand up to him and insist on eating normally.
PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP THEIR KIDS FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES. (My son used to be very overweigth, but not he has lost all of it, but during that time I never ever called him fat)
Good luck to you both.
Michele
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what are the chances of pregnancy when a tampon is intact, and some of the males bodily fluids MAY [im unsure if any] have come in contact with that region? (link)
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I think what you are saying is that you had a tampon in at the time, and the two of you were naked, and his penis may have touched the outside vaginal area, and he may or may not have had "precum" leaking. (Mostly likely he did) If you keep the tampon in, and removed it much later. I think you are OK. No way semen or fluid would have been able to get in. Especially if he didn't actually ejaculate.
Michele
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What can I do if my ex employer deducted IRS taxes however; did not pay the money to the IRS and now I am being bill for amount not paid? (link)
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I'm an accountant and am familiar with taxes and the laws that govern them. Your employer is required by law to take taxes (Social Security, Medicare & Income tax) out of your weekly pay checks. IF you are an EMPLOYEE and NOT a subcontractor. Your employer is required by law to send that money to the US Treasury. If you actually received a paycheck each week WITH A STUB that shows taxes were being taken out of your paycheck, and you have reason to believe that your employer did not pay in those taxes to the US Treasury on your behalf. You can report them for fraud. You must have the proof, which would be your check stubs. You should have also received a W-2 form at the end of 2006, or 2005, whatever year we are talking about here. That would be more proof.
You can go to www.irs.gov and search for form
3939-A and fill it out on=line. or write to the irs at INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE FRESNO CA. 93888
For me to give you more info.... I need to know how exactly YOU are being billed for these taxes. Are you getting letters from the IRS? DId you file a tax return based on the info on your W-2, and now the IRS is saying that your taxreturn was wrong, and they are looking for you to pay them the tax you owe? I need more info. If you want you can respond in my in-box, or email me at
cobweb2@comcast.net. use "advice on tax problem" as subject.
Michele
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I have this bump up near one of the folds.. right above my tragus. It feels really huge. It hurt the first day I got it. I checked my other ear, and I have a smaller bump near the antihelical fold.
What can I do to make it go away? I kinda don't want to leave it alone, especially the big one because my ear feels slightly swollen.
What do I clean it with?
I've had these before but not this big. I can't pop it because it's at a weird angle. I don't think it's a good idea either. I know if I go to a doctor they will tell me it's a pimple and to let it alone.. but from your experience.. did you clean it with anything to help it go away? (link)
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Most cyst or pimples are caused by bacteria. It if is red and inflammed it most likely contains bacteria. The best all natural product that I would use it Tea Tree Oil. It smells, but it works great. You won't have to break the skin to get it to work. It is absorbed. It does not hurt. It just smells very strong. Apply some on the cysts up to three times per day until it is gone. You can get Tea Tree Oil at a health food store or a vitamin store. As a last resort, you could be neosporin on it. It does kill bacteria, but it will take longer because the skin isn't broken.
Michele
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what does it mean when they say find yourself? and how do i do that? because i want to find myself this summer! (link)
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Well it means knowing who you are and what you want. It means that you have thought long and hard about what kind of person you want to be, (example: kind, caring, loving, hard working, go-getter, risk taker, risk avoider, world traveler, ) and you won't let anyone change your mind. for example, lets say that you think that all humans deserve respect and should be treated that way, even the ones who don't respect themselves....and someone wants you to join in and make fun of a person who is mentally challenged, and you REFUSE. That means that you are a person of your convictions. No one can make you stray from your beleifs. You don't follow the crowd. You don't get caught up in fads and the "latest thing". You make goals and you work to achieve them. You know that things worth having are worth working for.
When a person is sure of who they are inside, and don't change their personalities to please their friends or their boyfriend, and even some times their parents. Then that person can say that they have found themsevles. Of course you can change your mind about how you feel about things, or your beliefs, but when you do it is because you studied the situation, or you have more information about something and you made a conscious decision to feel differently about something than you did before.
Most of all, you are good to yourself, you insist that other people treat you with respect and if they don't, you don't bother with those people, and you love yourself. I firmly believe that you cannot love anyone else, unless you love yourself. OF course you can be needy and think that you can't live without a person. And make a fool of yourself trying to make someone feel something that they do not. So a person who has found themselves, also knows that they cannot control other people, and they do not allow other people to control them.
I hope this helps
Michele
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How to get rid of hickeys in an hour? (link)
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ICE, ICE, ICE.
Won't completely ged rid of them, but it will help. then use the coverup
Michele
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my dad came home drunk 2 nights ago and it got out of control. he packed his bags and left, and scared the shit out of me and my brother and my mom. hes done this like 6 times over the last 15 years when hes been married to my mom, and he cheated on her once when my brother was 7 and i was 6. my mom hid it from us, but had him arressted for a night. most ppl are funny and let go when their drunk, but he's a mean drunk. hes an alcoholic and he cant stop it, so my parents are getting a divorce, my dads gonna live by himself and me and my mom and my brother are moving to a smaller house sometime before december. its by our house now, but i've never lived in a small house and i'm going to miss my dad so much, i don't even know if they are going to give him visitation rights to see us unless he is sober for a certain amount of time. if you can say anything to make me feel better or if you've been through the same thing, i appreciate some advice.thanks (link)
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WEll your mom is doing the right thing because your dad is dangerous or at least threatening to her, and no person should have to live that way. They will go to court, and first off, the court won't WANT TO take away his rights to see you guys. They will give him a chance. He WILL be expected to show up for visits with you kids SOBER. He KNOWS that this will be required of him. If he choses not to, well your mom is going to tell the courts and then they may not let him see you guys at all, unless he goes through a rehabitilation program to stop drinking.
But it may just be the wake up call that he needs to stop drinking. Because I am sure the he is going to miss you guys too, and he is not going to like living alone. Hopefully he will change and stop drinking all together and then maybe your mom will take him back. This has happened before. So be hopeful. The the things that are about to happen, you guys moving into a smaller house and stuff, that all needs to happen so your dad can learn his lessons.
Hope this helps. Good luck to you. And hey you don't ever have to stop loving your dad, but you do need to understand that when he is drinking he is not being good to himself, and it is not good for him to be around his family.
Michele
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[14/f] my parents are divorced my dad is a great man, works 5 days a week and has been doing the same job for 13 yrs. My mother on the other hand has never been able to keep the same job for at least 2 weeks, and im not lying on that one. she has been going to College for 6 yrs. and hasnt even gotten her bachelors degree yet! Because she keeps changing her mind on "what she wants to be when she gets older" Well when she told me that she would be transferring AGAIN but this time to get her masters degree. I flipped! she was like whats wrong and i told her, YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! and you need to DECIDE WHAT YOU WANNA MAYJOR IN!!! im sick of it. Soo a day later she tells me i thought about what you said and im gonna start my own buisness selling pottery,(pottery is her hobby) and in my head i was thinking all i wanted her to do was get a little part time job maybe at like borders or something. Soo im like whatever i give up. Then i go away on vacation for 10 days come back and she throws on me, by the way i filled out a job application for Urbana Library (a library in my dad's neighborhood!!!!!) AHHHH i dont know what to do, someone please HELP ME! I want my mom to have a job BUT not one in my dad's neighborhood!, i mean one of the reason's why i like to come to my dad's house is to get AWAY from her, if you can't tell we dont get a long at all...i dont know what to do, please ANYTHING would help at this point, even just support. Thank you =] (link)
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Well with her poor work history maybe they won't hire her. It is funny, you seem to be the parent in this relationship. That is sad for you. I hope you survive this. Is there any reason why you just can't avoid the library in your dad's neighborhood? I mean you don't have to go there do you. There is a chance that your mom will find that she likes working in a library, because the pace is sort of slow, and it's pretty hard to do something wrong. She needs to grow up and this may be her chance and that along will make things easier for you. Listen it is not your job to keep your parents separated or out of each other's hair. They made the decision to marry and have a child, and maybe they hoped for the best, but it didn't work out. I am sure that they are used to dealing with each other, and if they continue to annoy each other, well it's not your fault, and I hope that no one is putting pressure on you to make the other behave in a certain way. Because it won't work and it just makes you crazy. I'd say ignore both of them. Although you are certainly right, your mom does need to get a job. she is not the first adult person though, who becomes a perpetual student. Allways going to school, and never putting their education to good use. She probably has no confidence in her abilities.
Good luck to you honey. I hope that you are working to excell in your life so that some day you can say good bye to each of them, and live your own life on your terms.
Michele
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need advice on the relationship that i have at the moment i am inlove with someone who has a kid with another man & the relationship between the is not working & my girlfriend still have feeling for the father of her son. iam 26 years old & i am from Botswana (link)
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WEll I think you should consider these issues.
She may in this relationship with you because she does not want to be alone. She still has feelings for the father of her son, and that is also a good reason for her to continue to see him, in one capacity or another. How will you feel about that. There is no way this can be avoided. The child has a right to contact with both of his parents, no matter how each adult involved feels. So you will have to be dealing with her having contact with the father of the boy. Also, depending on her ethnic background, and the customs of her up-bringing. They may put a GREAT emphasis on "family". Even if the father is not a good, someday he may want them to be a family again, will she leave you so that they can make a family for their son?
There is no guarantee. She could grow to love you and realize that you are the better choice and a good influence on her son, and someone that she wants him to grow up to be like.
But is could easily go the other way. There is no way to tell for sure. But since you are asking, you have to ask yourself (in fact you can ONLY ask yourself and decide for yourself) if you are prepared to deal with the outcome, no matter what it is. Because you do have an alternative, and that is to find someone who does not have any children and start your own family.
Michele
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My best friend and me are babysitting partners so we always babsit together.but there is a family i want to babsit by myself but im sure would trust just 1 of us.So should i just put flyer in their mailbox anyway? (link)
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I think it depends on what kind of agreement do you have with your best friend. Do you and her have an agreement to always babysit together. I mean sure some day you will grow out of this, and it is silly to think that you two will always babysit together. But first, you don't want to ger her mad at you. I mean if you two had an agreement. And if you did, then it may be time to have that discussion that it is time that the two of you took on some babysitting jobs by yourselves.
So if that is not an issue, then it is time to try it on your own.
Michele
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how do you give yourself an orgasm?!
thankss (link)
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We need to know if you are a male or female.
Michele
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I work as a service clerk in a drugstore, usually in 8-hour shifts. During this time I am either running around stocking things, helping people find things, or ringing people up, so I'm obviously on my feet the entire time. I am not allowed to wear sneakers or open-toed shoes, but by the end of the day my feet are killing me. I've tried wearing flats, vans, heels, kitten heels, and boots but they all were painful. Anyone have (a) any suggestions for close-toed, comfy shoes, or (b) any ideas to stop the pain? (link)
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She's right, Crocs are very comfortable, and they are actually popular. And they come in lots of colors. It is nurses who made them popular because they are on their feet all day.
They sell real crocs on EBay for $15.00. I don't know if the copy cats are just as comfortable. But give them a try
Michele
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What happened: Me and three of my girl friends were going to go hand out with some boyysss. Me and "A" went to their houses early, because the "B" & "C" wanted dinner. ALso, "B" lent us her phone, since we both had ours taken away :/
So they started calling the phone, however we were in the guys's basement, so we didn't have service. Anyways, they think we just weren't picking up because there were a few outgoing calls, but that was on the walk over. Like when we left their house, we actually had like 10 new texts from B & C, being super mad. Anyways, they think that we just didn't write back to them because of the other calls, but it's really because we didn't have service.
I don't really get in fights with my friends a lot, so like how are we supposed to get over a fight. Like if I go to hang out with them, it'll be just awkward... (link)
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Why do girls, who have been friends for a long time....fight over boys? And keep grudges. That'll help. Make up your minds now, you are either going to trust each other and believe what each other says, and agree not to lie to each other, and then when something goes wrong, you can all beleive that it was nobody's fault. But if all best are off just because there are boys involved, then don't expect your friendships with girls to be very strong, or very satifying or last a long time.
Michele
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15/f
omggg. ok me and my one friend pranked phone called, her friend, and shes kinda my friend too, and it was only twice. and all we said was hey its these two boys, who she used to like. and so she got like all mad and went and told this big bitch everyone hates. and i was like sheeesh. who cares. we've never done it to you before, it was just twice. like yeah ok, i can see if we did it like 20 times. but shheesh, twice?
what should i do? i mean obviously im not gonna call her anymore, but like they keep annoying us about how we prank phone called her. what should we say?
oh and by the way, the big bitch she got to yell at us, has like no life, and all she does is yell at people, because no one lieks her. so yea (link)
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So the bitch has no life, but you want us to believe that prank calling someone you once called a friend, means that you do HAVE a life. And you life is more important than hers, so you should get the right to prank call her AT LEAST TWICE before she should complain about it!
Girl, you need to apologize. That is what you should do, and stop being so mean, because real people do have a life, and mean people just suck!THen you and your girlfriend should GET A LIFE and stop prank calling people, because as you can see, it just shows how immature you really are.
Rate me low for this answer and I'll put in an abuse report.
Michele
RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK. Oh I read your question alright, I read it twice because I couldn't believe that a friend would do such a thing. So OK, next time you like a kid, I hope one of your "friends" call you up and pretend to be him, then hang up, and see how you like it.
Michele
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Ok, I'm sure that people have heard this one before, but this is serious and we need help:
When my girlfriend and I have sex, I can't keep my erection long enough to orgasm. This results in hurt feelings and disappointment. I don't know what's wrong with me... I know I can orgasm, but I just can't keep the erection long enough to be able to. My girlfriend is very upset by this as well... It's frustrating to me and I feel like I'm failing her, or as if I'm broken or something. If it helps to know and it's not TMI, I've masturbated frequently for years.
If there's anyone out there who has some information on what can be done we would very much appreciate that. Oh... And anyone who says something like "You're probably gay" or "You don't really love your girlfriend" is getting a 1 for a rating because that's complete crap.
Thanks for your time! (link)
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It could be medical. Let's explore that. Blood circulation is very important to getting and keeping an erection, because the penis fills with blood to get hard. Medications can interfer with that. But you are so young, I would assume that you are NOT on any medication. If you are this needs to be reviewed by a physician.
How is your blood pressure and how is your circulation. To you have cold hands and feet often. If so this is a sign of poor circulation.
Do you have any other symptoms, which to you may not be related, but could be....like headaches, dizzyness, blurred vision. All signs of poor circulation. Do you have a heart condition? If not, maybe this needs to be looked at, since it is the heart that pumps the blood. A complete physical and a one on one dicsussion with a physician is what I would recommend here. I hope that you follow through on this, because IT IS unusual for a young man to be having these symptoms.
Good luck to you
Michele
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i`m a 16/f.. almost 17. i have sex with my boyfriend, and we use condoms, and he even pulls out. my parents have no idea we're having sex & would completely flip out if they knew. i want to go on birth control - because i have really long periods & because i get very very bad cramps. will birth control help with those? & also, if i tell my mom i want birth control for just cramps, and the doctor asks if i`m having sex - what should i say? if my mom is in the room, i don't want to say yes.
so, what should i do? also, does birth control make you gain weight? (link)
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Hi honey, yes the pill will help regulate your periods and will help with the cramps. I don't know what state you live in, but here in CT, paretns are not allowed in the room with kids who are 16. Here, the doctors DO ask the girls if they are having sex, and then will make recommendations and give advice about birth control pills and sexually transmitted diseases.
I really don't think the doctor will ask you that, many times birth control pills ARe prescribed for acne, regulating periods, and stuff like that. It is not unusual. I think you should tell your mom that you know girls in school who are on the pill for the periods, and their life is so much easier, because they KNOW when their period is going to come, and when it will be over. An irregular period is nothing to laugh at, especially when it can be so easily controled by being on the pill. I applaud you that you want to go on the pill. It shows that you are responsible, and you want to avoid getting pregnant.
Although, if the doctor does not ask you about having sex, and thinks he is only prescribing it to regulate your periods, you MAY NOT put you on a dose strong enough to pevent pregnancies. (You can tell this by.......if you have break through bleeding or spotting during the month when you are on the pill, it means that the dose you are on is not strong enough) You don't have to tell the doctor that you are having sex. He may assume that once you are on it to regulate your periods, that you may be more likely to have sex. And believe me, doctors are used to handling delicate situations like this. They would rather you disobey and go on the pill, than bring an unwanted child into the world, or have an abortion.
So since you are having sex, then urge your mom to get you on the pill, no matter what it takes, and be responsible. And yes, some women do gain weight on the pill. If that happens, it may be that the dose you are on it too high, and the doctor can but back on your prescription.
Here is something else to consider. I don't know if you family doctor can prescribe birth control pills. You may have to go to an OB/GYN doctor, they he/she is going to perform an internal exam before they prescribe birth control pills to you.
But it is something that all of us women have to go through, and it is for our good health. It is necessary. Good luck to you
Michele
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ok so lately i have been feeling really weird during foreplay and stuff. with my ex boyfriend we did everything, the sex was great. but like before sex i would get really turned on and when i do i just dont know what to do with myself. like my favorite thing to do with my boyfriend was to straddle him, hold his hands down, start kissing him on the lips...then work my way down.
but the other day i did that to my new guy and he was like...wow your crazy, almost like it was a bad thing. so now i dont know what to do. (link)
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Well you are only 15, and you seem to have a lot of sexual experience, and you seem to really enjoy sex and want to be an active partner. Problem is that at your age, you are going to meet a lot of guys who are 'inexperienced'. And well, they are the ones who don't know what to think. Don't get me wrong, I think they like it, BUT, they also hear their mother's words telling them that "experienced girls" are BAD girls. As much as we women would like to think that we have as much right to our sexual freedom as a man does.....we still don't. Women are still judged by men as being good girls or bad girls. Ok, and the "good girls" are the ones that some day they want to marry and be the mother of their children. the bad girls are the ones they want to have fun with.
Honey, it is your choice, but it is also your reputation. If this boy talks to his friends about how "experienced" you are, they are going to gossip about you. They are going to JUDGE you for it, and it won't be positive. You'll have more dates than you know what to do with. And probably you will soon figure out that the boys just want to go out with you because you are great in bed. But of course, you want to be known for all the wonderful things that you are, not just good in bed.
My advice....don't give up on your sexual pleasure, don't go backwards...BUT be choosey. Wait until the right guy comes along who will enjoy your inhibitions and keep it all to himself. And not "kiss and tell". You ARE entitled to a healthy sex life, and a healthy attitude towards sex, but you can't control other people. They may judge you over it, and it will be harsh. So save it for the one(s )who can appreciate it. And here's a clue.....Mostly likely, you won't meet guys who appreciate you for ALL that you are until you are much older, say in your 20's. I"m not saying that your current boyfriend is NOT this guy. You know the answer to that, better than I do.
GOod luck to you honey.
BECAUSE THE INFORMATION LIST FOR THE PERSON WHO ASKED THIS QUESTION SAYS YOU ARE 15. SO YOU'RE GIVING ME A BAD RATING BECAUSE YOU LIED?
Michele
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if your raped its against your will obviously. but when the girls being raped does she like orgasm and have pleasure too? or no becuase shes trying to fight it off? (link)
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NO, I have never heard of an instance where a girl had an orgasm while being raped. I mean truly being raped! It's scary as hell. MOstly a rape can't occure unless you are knocked out, or drugged up, in which case you wouldn't have an orgasm. Or you are being threatened with death or bodily harm. I mean you're afraid for your life, or you wouldn't give in. Never mind give in, most men are stronger and will fight you and win.
Bottom line, RAPE is not about sex, or even about an orgasm (sometimes even the rapist doesn't have an orgasm) It is about POWER. Having control over another individual. A person who has been powerless in his (or her, I guess) life, has been abused verbally, physically, and even sexually, will sometimes become a rapist, because during the ACT of rape, they have power over a person who is weaker than they are. And all the victims pleading and crying and begging make no difference, because that just feeds their need for power. OFten the aftermath of rape, is that the girl, if she survives, finds it very difficult to have a 'normal' sex life for many many years.
Michele
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When I was little, my parents never spent time with me, never talked to me unless it was about something i did wrong, and really brought me down.
Now I'm 16, and I'm used to living without my parents basically. They're there, but not there for me.
I think my childhood led up to the reason why I don't have any esteem at all.
I'm trying to make up for those years by hanging out with my friends- and they're calling me "clingy".
I need to try and make up for those little positive moments i never had as a kid, I need to get my esteem past the level of zero.
Any advice on how I can do this? (link)
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Well I can easily answer this question, because I have been there. Though I am in my 50's now, I still remember my childhood and young adult life. It was awful. Not abusive, you see, but neglectful, and yeah, I couldn't do anything right either. My friends were no help, and like ysg said, they ARE too young and it's not their problem, and if they have great parents, they really can't relate. I spent many years being rebellious and getting in trouble. Problem is, I was the one who suffered from my mistakes. They hurt me, when what I was trying to do was hurt them. I went through many lousy relationships where I never put myself first. Eventually I married, for all the wrong reasons, had two children and then divorced (for the right reasons) All this time my self esteem was suffering, but I didn't realize it. On the other hand though, I was accomplishing many things, working hard, raising two boys by myself, and getting by. But my parents words about being a failure were always in my head. When I was in my 30's I started to do some volunteer work. What a difference it made in my life. Now here I was working with people who thought I was wonderful. They couldn't say enough great things about me. I didn't think I was doing that much, but they did and that is what counted. Their words started to take the place of my parents words in my head. I became much happier. I became a better parent. I became a better worker, because I was no longer afraid. I gladly took new tasks and jobs that I was not familliar with. And I was succeeding in everything I tried. People thought well of me, and sought me out for advice, help, support and friendship. When I look back, I see how much of my life was wasted....being shy and hanging with the wrong people. I am back in college now, but I always wonder how much better off I would have been had I finished college when I was young.
Also, I did not want to be a parent like mine were, and it was hard to not repeat their methods of child rearing, since that was the only experience I had.
What I believe you need to do is find the support you need from adults, not from your friends. You have to find time for both. If you can find some volunteer work that you can be happy with, (working with kids, animals or the elderly) you will be working with adults who will appreciate your help and they will tell you that. You will begin to repeat their words in your head instead of your parents. YOu will get a chance to grow inside and become more accomplished. You'll find the strenght in you to venture out into the world. (I always thought the world was a scary place and that I didn't fit in anywhere)
There will always be a hole in your heart for the lack of unconditional love that your folks should have given you. Each child should be cherished. When you grow up cherished, you make much better decisions in your life, because you love yourself and you don't want to settle for someone who just uses you. (A boyfriend, husband, boss or best friend) People with low self esteem tend to be the ones who get used by the people in the world who are good at using people.
There is a good book that I can recommend. I believe it is called. Good Life, Bad Childhood. or maybe it's Bad Childhood, good life. By Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She has written many many books, and she is great. And much cheaper than therapy. She is tough!
I think it is great that you are asking these questions at your age. I wish I knew enough then to know that I was on the wrong path. I could have saved myself so much heartache. I have very little to do with my family of origin now, and that is fine with me. WE've had our moments, but they will never change. I know this, I am much happier than they are, and I have accomplished very much in my life. They can't be proud of me because they don't know how, and I know now that they suffer from low self esteem. I had to help myself, so if they want to be happy, then they need to do the hard work that I did not change.
YOu have received some good advice on this website. I hope that you do follow it. If you just follow half of it, you will be much better off, and maybe well on your way to a more normal adulthood. There is no reason why you cannot realize all of your dreams. they won't come knocking on your door. You just have to believe that you deserve to be happy, then go for it.
GOod luck to you dear
Michele
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