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Perfection?
Well, to be blunt here, I have extreme perfection issues. I know the road to perfection is one with no true destination, but I still strive to reach it. I just wish I had the perfect body, perfect grades (they're A's and B's, nothing below that, but I still wish they were better), and the perfect boyfriend. Whenever I see someone in the spotlight, I imagine that I am her and I am the one who's impressing everyone watching.
Is there any way I can get rid of this desire for total perfection? Thanks in advance!
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Thanks for leaving a question in my mail box. I took time to respond, because I wanted to give my response a lot of thought. I understand what you are saying and how you feel. As you said, the road to perfection has NO destination. YOu say that, but you have not internalized it. And perhaps the advice I give you can help you achieve that. First of all, I am sure that you have probably told yourself that there is no such thing as perfection. Also pefection, like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am sure that people, men and women have told you that you are beautiful, talented, smart, etc, etc. And you hear their words, but the first thoughts you have are of your faults, your detractions and your imperfections. This is what therapist call "stinkin' thinkin'". You say worse things to yourself, than most peopole would ever say to you. You never give yourself a break, and you over compensate for what you believe are your flaws. You won't entertain another persons opinion of yourself even when it is complementary and glowing. This is very sad. Because some day way in the future, you will look back and say to yourself, "why didn't I love myself the way I was." (I know because I do that.) Why didn't I "believe" that I was smart, when all the evidence was there? Why didn't I beleive that I was beautiful when all the evidence was there?
What will you be missing out on? You'll be missing out on loving yourself the way you are. You'll be missing out on intimacy and true friendship with people who are going to love you, even when the beauty starts to fade. Or who don't require you to be a genius to be your friend. I know that todays culture tells to admire beauty and perfection for beauty and perfections sake. But we know little about the real person that is behind that perfection. Like you, many of them do not feel "perfect". Many people have self doubt. Many famous pop stars, athletes and beauties say to themselves "IF THEY KNEW THE REAL ME, THEY WOULDN'T LIKE ME." So many people settle for "friends" that they pay for, or who care for them for all the wrong reasons, as friends. And they have no true friends. It is a very lonley place to be. There are so many examples, and I am sure you know some of them.
For an example to young girls, I use Princess Diana. A true princess in every sense of the word. Beautiful, elegant, kind, intelligent, generous. THE MOST photographed woman in the world EVER. She really could go on $40,000 dollar shoppping sprees. And she did. She could jet set all over the world and be treated like royalty every where she went. He company was sought after by the rich and famous and powerful. Yet she was very unahappy. She didn't think she was good enough, she didn't think she measured up. She didn't think she deserved to be happy. If only she could have taken some of the adoration that was bestowed upon her, and took it to heart. Believed it. Oh not enough to become conceited. Because that is not becoming at all. (And I don't think that is your problem.) Just internalize enough of the adoration to love herself, and give herself a break, and say, gee if all of these people think I am so wonderful, (and many wonderful people did think that, no just fans) then maybe I am. She could have been happy in her skin. With her life. Is is so sad that she died before achiveing that.
And you know, since you are asking this question, I think you are also looking to be happy.
Here is another thought. Trying to be perfect yourself, is one thing. You'll never achieve it, but you'll only drive yourself crazy. But expecting perfection from your boyfriend, lover, children, friends, etc. Puts a REALLY big burden on people that you are supposed to love. Since no one can achieve perfection, why put that pressure on your children, they will grow to hate themselves. BEcause they will hear little words from you saying things like, (and I know because this is how my mother talked to me.)
"Go comb your hair." Tuck in your shirt. What a mess you are. You look like something the cat dragged in." "Can't you do anything right." "here give me that, I'll do it, you can't do anything right." This was my mom, wanting me to be perfect, but she set me up to never be able to achieve it. She never praised my accomplishments, only noticed my faults and mistakes. I soon became afraid to try anything. It is a miracle that I got where I am.
I never thought I was perfect, far from it. But when I run into old friends from high school, and now that I have found my voice, I have learned that many people thought I was perfect, and beautiful and talented, etc.etc. What a waste. To not know. I wanted to be anyone but me. To find out that people (girls) actually envied me, well it floored me actually.
Anyway. This does not mean that you should not make an effort to be the best you can be. IT does not mean that there is always ways to better yourself. Inside and outside. IT is OK to work to stay at a healthy weight. It is ok to take care of your skin, to make sure you look nice when you leave the house. Take care of your hair, your health, etc. I am 54 and I still do that. I refuse to "let myself go". Like so many women my age have done. And I have two children. Boys who are young adults. There is nothing wrong with being classy, and having good taste. But trying to be 16, when you are 40 or 50, well that is just pathetic. If you continue to hold on to trying to achieve perfection, then you may go down that road some day. And it won't work.
So I guess what I am trying to say is, do yourself a favor, and your boyfriend and/or your future husband, and your future children and give up trying to achieve perfection, and work on trying to achieve self love. Loving yourself just the way you are, (and that includes your desire to better yourself)will prepare you to love and be loved by the people who will become most important to you. Believe me, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with a man who loves you because he believes that you are perfect. Because that man is shallow, and that opinion of his (your being perfect) won't last, and he will leave you for another woman who fills his desire for perfection. This would be a man who thinks because he has a perfect woman on his arm, then that somehow makes him more perfect. You know what I mean. Also, it is ok to be proud of your achievements. If you earn good grades, good, then you deserve them, and you should reap the benefits that good grades will bring you. YOu know, better jobs and stuff like that. If you ant to act or perform, then do so, but you won't achieve that by being perfect, you'll achieve that by working at it. It is OK to want to perform and act and receive applause and admiration from people. That is normal. Just don't think you have to be perfect to do it. You have to work at it, and have talent. Many famous people today will tell you that it was a long hard struggle to get where they are.
Here is another secret I will let you in on. What is more sexy and attractive to the opposite sex is not just beauty or perfection....it's CONFIDENCE. You won't be confident if you are always trying to achieve perfection, which you know is impossible. Confidence is what makes men want you. They love women who ARE sure of themselves. Whe you are sure of yourself, have confidence and self-love, perfection won't matter. And you know what, you'll be truly happy.
And you you know that the reason people want perfection is because they think THAT will make them happy! You can achieve happiness anyway. Without driving yourself crazy trying to be perfect.
When you have achieved self love and confidence, what you will find is that most people will still think you are PERFECT. More people will envy you, than you could possible imagine. The best part is that you didn't have to drive yourself crazy trying to achieve perfection.
Hope this helps. I suggest you read this more than once to really understand it. I wish you all the best. Write again if you like.
Michele
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