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Family, Youth and Mental Health CounsellorAge:
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July 13, 2006Answers:
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Hello All, I am counsellor with over 12 years experience specializing in parenting, families, youth and mental health. I answer questions in a blunt and straightforward way so if you are looking for coddling or really touchy feely type advice thats not me I provide real solutions for your problems and concrete suggestions in other words I tell you the plain truth I don't sugarcoat.
I am really worried these days with the easy access to the internet and all the false information that is out there and the fact that people believe it!! So please ask first. I don't claim to have all the answers but I can claim that NOTHING will shock me you can try though :)
I look forward to hearing you thoughts and questions.
advice
Ok so im trying to work things out with my bf. we have been together almost 2 years and i am now pregnant even though i was told i couldnt have kids. We have set a date for marriage but there is a problem. He will not save any money and we are stuck renting a basement apartment at a friends house and im not bringing a baby into a basement. So, i suggested that we move down south with family where we could afford the cost of living. He refuses because all of his friends are here. So since he doesnt want to come with me, should i just leave him and go by myself??? I have no family or friends here and both of our families are down south. I think he is being selfish to want me and our baby to stay in a basement just because of his friends.
Ok you are in a really tough spot, I think that honestly maybe he needs a wake-up call, you are going to need to be near family when you have your child. I would have been LOST without help from mine.
You are thinking not what is best for you but what is best for your child. I would talk to your family ask them if they are ok with you coming and go. I know it sounds harsh but your child needs to be your primary focus (which it is) so follow your gut and your heart.
Good luck.
I love my three girlfriends, they always try to make things happen for me that I'm too chicken to do myself. My birthday is in a week and they have organized a party. This is a special exclusive kind of party though, the only way you can be invited in and not be one of the four of us is if you're a hot guy.
Now they did this because they want me to get a move on with guys since I'm 18 and I haven't even kissed a guy yet.
I haven't because I've liked this guy for the longest time and I just didn't have any interest in any other guys so I didn't do anything with anyone.
Now my friends say I should hook up with this one really hot guy named Jase they're inviting and I know I should too because I'm getting so sick of not knowing what it's like. I don't want to have sex with him or anything but I want to at least make out or something.
My problem is that I just started getting closer to the other guy that I liked but I haven't seen him for a while and I don't know him well enough to invite him to my party (and I think he's away for the summer). And I don't think I'm going to have any romantic feelings for Jase. But I think if I want to get together with the guy I like (who is really experienced), I'm going to need some practice.
But at the same time Jase is really experienced too and I don't want to look like an idiot or have him not like me at all.
I don't know what I should do. Like if I hook up with Jase, we both know it's a fling but I've waited so long for this other guy, it feels like I'm throwing it all the way, even though I'm getting so sick of waiting for him.
It feels like I'm going in circles.
Ok first of all I have to say that I admire you for having the self respect to wait for this guy. I think that if you have been waiting all this time that a little longer won't hurt.
On the other hand, does this other guy know you like him? Has he shown any interest in you? I think that maybe when he gets back if he doesn't know tell him and if he does know ask him how he feels. I think that in the end you should follow your gut and do what is right for you.
Ask yourself would you have regrets if you kissed Jase? If the answer is yes then you probably shouldn't do it.
Hope this helped. Happy Birthday
well my name is rachel and there is this girl in my skewl who i thought was perfect.... i mean, she's pretty, smart, FUNNY, loves sports, and is BAD (GETS IN TRUBLE AND STUFF)TOO. and the best part is, she doesnt knw it.....she's so nice and she's a foreigner! now, i want to b just like her, i want to dress like her act like her the whole package but i knw that that is never ganna happen. i asked her wt i should do and she told me that she doesnt do all this on purpose, she just acts as herself! now my question is, since i cant b her, i want to have an email like her. she has lots of emails but her hotmail is sqwirt09@hotmail.com and i want to make my hotmail sqwirt_08@hotmail.com. would that b considered copying her, do you think she'll notice or get mad. i dont think she'd mind but i want to make sure first. wat do i do!?!?!?!
HELP PLZ
Well they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, but I wonder why don't you follow this girls advice and be yourself?
When you are truly yourself you are better then any imitation that you could think up. I don't know this girl so I can't tell you whether or not she will get mad but to answer your question yes it is copying her, and when you give out your email she will find out that you copied her.
Hope this helps.
P.s. Why exactly is getting in trouble cool? I mean not getting caught would be cooler wouldn't it??? Just a thought.
Dear Sassysara,
I am a fourteen year old gir (I am going to be a freshmen) and I have Cerebral Palsy (it greatly affects how I walk). I have never had a boyfriend. I always wonder weather it is because of my CP, or if I am just a person who does deserve a love life. You could say I am an easy person to get along with, and I have an okay sense of humor. But, its seems that guys are repulsed by me. I really want a boyfriend and someone to like me. I really don't know what to do.
Any comments you have would be really great!
Of course you deserve a love life! I have worked in highschools with kids who have had CP in varying degrees of disablity. I have seen varying degrees of relationships from none to me asking kids to please save the tonsil hockey for later! I personally did not have my first boyfriend until I was 16, it varies for every one. I think that you need to learn how to love yourself (yes I know that sounds corny) but truly learn to respect yourself and know that any guy who dates you is lucky to have you. At this stage in your life it is more important to surround yourself with good friends who will stand by you at all times.
Since I know you really want a boyfriend I will impart this to you, most of the guys who I have dated or who my friends have dated have liked them initially based not mostly on looks but on personality especially sense of humour! A good tool that alot of guys admire is sarcasm, if you can master being funny without insulting others you are 10 steps ahead of your peers.
If you need to talk some more, or have more questions please feel free to ask!
Hope I helped.
Sara
Okay I will try and keep this as short as I can, but there's a lot to tell. First of I am a 25/F and I have this ongoing issue with a guy at work. I am older than him and a bit higher than him on the heirarchy of positions but not technically his boss. Anyhow there has been some flirting back and forth, so I think anyway, we are both very discreet so it's really hard to figure out what the true intentions are. He is so confusing, I have never had this problem figuring out a guy's motives. Maybe I should just list of the things he has done and said I think that would be easier. Besides finding him staring at me and the long gazes between us, he has found ways of touching me, from the shoulder, forearm to the small of my back. He has ran his hand through my hair more than once and his sideways hugs have turned into full frontals and really tight bear hugs. If I have a new bracelet on he holds my hand with both of his and inspects it for what seems like forever. He has held my hand randomly at numerous times. He will walk by and say my name and then some comment about how I am his favorite or his best friend there or more recently that I was sexy. He also every once and awhile makes sexual jokes that come off as invitations, and my replies have started to be something like don't tempt me. However for all these signals he is sending he can act very aloof and somewhat ignore me. He drives me crazy but we are friends and I don't want to screw anything up or lose us our jobs. I also found out that he's seeing this girl that he's apparently all about but he keeps it very secret and when people say anything about him having a girlfriend he replies that he doesn't have one and that he's a pimp. So that makes me think he is a player and I shouldn't waste my time. But when he's not in front of other people and just with me he relaxes and seems totally different. Also if he's all about this girl then why does he mess with me? Does he really like me or am I just something to play with while he is at work? I don't see him act like he does with me with anyone else so I just don't know what to think. I really like him but I feel like maybe I shouldn't and I am just setting myself up to be hurt. I hope I made some sense here and any help would be appreciated.
First of all is there a rule at your company about dating co-workers? If there is then walk away now its not worth losing your job.
Secondly it sounds like he is flirting but if he acts differently infront of others then that is one of 2 things either a. he's just playing you or b. if there is a rule at work then he is playing it safe.
From personal experience it is never good to date someone you work with, yes for some people it has worked out but for the majority it doesn't and then you are stuck seeing this guy every day it can be really uncomfortable.
In the long run I think that if he truly does like you then he will make the first move by asking to see you outside of work. Just be careful.
Hope this helps.
Hi. I am going to be a freshman this year and I want to start wearing makeup. Do I just start wearing it one day, or do I have to ask for my mom's permission? I think I should tell my mom that I want to, but I don't know how to go about doing it. Thanks!
I really think that you should talk to your mom first about it, hiding it from her or doing it without asking will just create needless issues.
I would go to your mom and explain that since you are starting a new chapter in your life that you would like to start wearing make-up. Be prepared that she may say no but if you approach it in a mature way and you have a better chance.
Good Luck.
Dear Sassysara,
I am a fourteen year old boy with a problem. A few months ago I decided not to play water polo at my high school I attend. The reason why is that the coaches were asking me to tell jokes at the conditioning practices before the season. If I did not tell a joke, the other kids at the practice had to swim more laps. I refused to tell the jokes, and the kids turned on me. The coaches were doing this in a mean way and I felt humiliated.
I played water polo for many years and then made the decision I did not want to play. Then the coaches called my parents and acted innocent telling them that they could not understand my decision.
My family is a big water polo family and I still feel that they are angry at me for not playing. I cannot take it any longer. Can you offer me any advice?
Hey there, Well first of all your coaches acted in a very immature and un-professional these people are supposed to be your role models!
First of all you should tell your parents what happened with the coaches, explain that this is not the reason that you left the team but that despite your families love of the sport you need to find your own way. Tell them that they raised a young man who can make rational and positive choices.
I think that if you go to your parents as rational and mature young man they will respect your decsion. It may also help you to write out what you want to say first.
By the way your parents probably are not angry simply disappointed that you have not chosen to follow in their footsteps, they will get over it!
Hope this helps.
Hi! My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting engaged lately, and he's asked me about engagement rings so he can get a feel for what I like.
I really like the 3 stone engagement rings (such as this one http://www.tiffany.com/expertise/diamond/rings/engagement_three_ring.aspx?ring=round&) and I was wondering... are those actually considered to be engagement rings, or are they more for anniversaries and stuff? On some websites they are under the engagement category, and on others they are under anniversary. What is your opinion? Is a one stone ring more appropriate for getting engaged?
Also, I really like the rings at Tiffany's, but it seems that they are a LOT more expensive than other jewelry stores. For example, their CHEAPEST ring with a "one carat" diamond is 10,000 dollars. Around how much do they cost at other places?
Thanks so much... if you can't answer both of my question, just give one of them a shot! Anything is better than nothing! :) THANKS!
Hey you have great choice in jewelery! I based my engagement ring on that one as well. I think today that there is no "right" engagement ring, I think since you have to wear this ring for the next 40-50 years make sure its one that you love.
As for buying a cheaper ring you have tons of options, Tiffanys is out of most people's league. Usually if you shop around and look for the sales, yes there are diamond sales, you will find something ALOT cheaper. Also if you have your ring made and chose the diamonds yourself and the settings you not only will save money but have something truly unique. I had mine made to resemble the Tiffany ring and it was less then a 1/4 of the price.
Good luck on your shopping and future nuptials!
I am now living with a man I consider worthy. He is a divorced man of 18 years who discovered the internet when he had his heart attack 4 years ago. The internet provided "company" for him and he got involved with "cybering" with women. When I came into the picture a year and a half ago he was fighting with a women he was involved with ONLY thru the internet. He never met her in person but, fell in love with her on-line. Finally he realized how different a relationship was in person and he discontinued his on-line affair. He still cybered with women till I caught him one day. We had a discussion and I thought he quit. Now he says he just "chats" with women and swears there is no cybering, but I am leary because he sends his picture and receives pictures from women. I am going nuts! He says I accuse him and I do, but I am untrusting because he did this to me before and it upset me, so I question his love. The intimacy dwindled and he claims it's because of past issues that has nothing to do with me. I can't even bring it up because he clams up on me. He asked me to marry him and gave me a ring, but I said...I need ALOT more time as I fear of being controlled. I asked if that made a difference he said he understood and he still wants to be with me and for me to wear the ring. I need to find a way of talking to him gently, without malice, but each day I find pictures of women he talks to on AOL and I get more and more depressed.It just seems that I can't get him to make love to me. I told him to please be honest with me and tell me if I am unattractive to him, but he says he doesn't know what is wrong. I think he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings..but I would rather be told the truth than feel like he is cheating.
Hey this sounds to me like he may have an addiction, there are actually clinics opening up now in North America that treat these addictions. You may want to sit him down and explain this to him and ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned. If you started chatting with random men and exchanging pics how would he feel?
I would suggest maybe counselling for both of you as a couple before you get married, my parents 30 year marriage ended when my father decided to meet one of his online chat buddies and have an affair.
To start a marriage with this involved and without the 2 of being able to have open and honest communication is dooming a marriage to failure. As with any addiction it has to be his choice to stop and seek help. It has to be your choice whether or not to stay, maybe leaving him would be the wake up call he needs.
I don't think that this has anything to do with you as a person, he may just be stuck in a cycle of the grass is always greener elsewhere.
If you ever need to talk or vent please feel free to send me a message.
Hope this helped
I'm 13/f and i really want to gain weight before school starts in september. right now i'm like a 00/14 kids and i want to be a size 0. i'm an ectomorph, so it's hard to put fat on easily. What should i do to gain weight? (please dont say eat junk food, i want to be healthy too)
Hey ok well eat foods high in Protein, they also have protien shakes in the pharmacy that help add weight. Using weights works well too, not exercising as much as weight lifting.
I found this website hope it helps.
http://www.intense-workout.com/weight_gain.html
Where can you buy skinny jeans?
I saw some really awesome ones in GAP today.
hi... i am really nervous and confused about my parents, my friend says she is having a little get together for her birthday but she gave my parents no info on it and didnt give me much, just the time and where she lived, i think she is putting a fast one on her parents, i dont trust her, neither do my parents. so anyways my dad mentioned he thinks he is putting a fast on her parents and he also said kids think theyre parents are stupid but theyre not and he also told me there are a lot of things that i know about, that you dont know, that i know about... and that gave me the idea he knows about things, related to this topic ^^^ but, i am a virgin, so then i think you can guess what else it has related to this topic. i feel really bad, not sad, but more like nervous and weird that my parents might actually know, i mean this is so secret and the thought of them knowing would make me feel awkward like i do now. i know they arent mad at me, they told me they did it as kids and well mom said she did.. dad never mentioned it cause he wasnt really in those 'talks' about that stuff, i usually kept a quiet mouth...i think billie joe armstrong is cute, but if i didnt i would still have my posters on my wall cause he is cool, and dad and i were wondering if we should go to pirates of the caribbean and well i told both mom and dad, mom please go with us cause dad seems to get aggrivated when i get giddy when see a movie and dad says its ok girls have a right to get giddy when they see a cute guy on tv and this makes me feel weird cause maybe he knows i have a crush on billie joe, and possibly one guy in each movie i see...this is awkard and new for me and he might know that i .(hmmm) and have a crush on guys.. i was never able to tell my crush at school when i was younger and whenever i am watching a show or movie on tv, whenever two people kiss and i am watching it with my parents, i get nervous.. oh please help me get over this nervousness,, and is there a possible chance my dad might know about small stuff, but not the sex sutff? oh please help meeee!!!!!
Ok so the sex stuff with your dad will never get easier, I am 31, married and have a child and still at times hope my dad thinks I am a virgin...ha ha. Seriously though that is the nature sometimes of a father/daughter relationship. As for him saying he knows things, he could very well be on a fishing expedition saying he knows stuff in hopes you will confess all.
I would have talks with your mom if you feel comfortable enough, both your parents obviously love you and talking with your mom will create an open and honest relationship with her which will help you tons as you get older.
What is the Orient? Also, is it alright to call Indian (people from India) South Asian?
BTW what is being politcally correct? I hope I'm using the word right for this title.
Yes you are using the term political correctness right.
The Orient is Asia but mainly refers to Japan,and China. People from India are Indian at least here in Canada. I have never heard them called South Asian.
Hope this Helps.
What books changed your outlook on life?
I am not sure how old you are, but "A Boy called It" its a true story and it made me realize how strong the human spirit really is and how lucky the majority of us have it. Another really inspirational book for me was "The Power of One". As I am an avid reader (I read on average 10/week) there are probably tons more that I can't think of off the top of my head. If you tell me what type of book you enjoy I could probably tell you a few more.
Hope this helps, Enjoy!
ok..ive asked this question a few times but I still am upset! This might be long..ok, so my boyfriend of 2 years broke up w/ me 2 & a half months ago & im still upset about it. The reason he told me he wanted to break up was because I was possessive but then he said it was just because he wanted to be single. Two weeks after we broke up he started dating a girl who is 15 (he is 17) & she lives 3 hours away. Some days I hate him & other days I miss him. It just feels like I will always feel like this. School is going to start soon and I am nervous to go back because I dont want to see him because Im afraid if I do..my feelings might come back even stronger & I'll get upset @ school. What should I do?
Ok this is going to take time, first of all its only been 2 1/2 months after a 2 year relationship. Everyone grieves in different ways and take different amounts of time. The best thing you can do is accept that you are still hurting and allow yourself to grieve. As for seeing him at school this is unavoidable so try to avoid him but also allow yourself to see him as he really is, very selfish.
You will get over this it just takes time. Talk to your friends and explain that you are still "sensitive" and they will help you through this. Unfortunatly there is no magic pill or cure.
Hope this helped.
I have decided that I want to take a carrer with Physical Therapy.. My question is..
What is the TOTAL years in collage i will have to attend? ((the lowest and highest level))
What are some good choices of classes to take through highschool and some recomended extra courses.?
please any additional informataion I would be completly greatful about..
thanks evreyone for helpin with my future choices.
The total years in college would be 6 to get your masters, if you want to be an assitant physical therapist you could get only an associates degree which I is 2 years. In Highschool you want to take as many advanced classes as possible, this will do you well even if you change your mind about careers. For physical therapy you should be taking biology, science, math (the higher the better). Also I would recommend you talk to your school guidance counsellor they will be able to tell you exactly what you need and how your past classes and grades will either help or hinder you.
Hope this helps
my friend has a drinking problem and she is only 14.any advice to get her to stop.
I don't think that you can get her to stop, she has to want to stop (sucks I know) but there is alateen which is basically AA for teenagers. You can go on the web and maybe print out a pamplet, they tend to have questionaires for people to answer that have a problem with drinking. Also be her friend, sooner or later she will hit bottom and need your support.
Also there is a group called ala-non which is for friends and family of people who have a problem with alcohol they may be able to give you some tips.
Hope this helped
14/f
Ok, before I give you the actual question, I'm going ot give you the background.
Here it goes,
It started yesterday, it was my dad and I, watching Jeapordy, and he was making fun of all the contestants, so I hit him in the arm, but then he hit me back, I don't think he realized how hard he hits, but it's very hard. So I hit him back again, and so on, and so on. But at one point he slapped/hit my leg so hard that it left a huge hand print, and I got so mad. My mom wasn't home at the time, I tried contacting her, but she didn't answer. So I took a picture of the mark. It was ok, after that, seeing how I got out of the house for a couple of hours with my friends.Then he and my brother, came to pick me up, we decided to go rent a movie. After that was over, this is going to sound childish, but we were arguing over who got the front seat. And my dad always takes his side, so I was frustrated, so frustrated, that when I got in the back, I said "I hate you both". My dad went "Hate is an awfuly strong word." Then I went "Fine I loathe you, I despise both of you." And it was a quiet car ride after that. When we got home, I had a serious attitude, and my mom wanted to know why. That's when I showed her the picture of my leg[from earlier]. She got really mad, and started hitting my dad. Since I was just as mad, I went upstairs to cool off, and watch the movie I had chosen. When it was over, I wasn't quite as mad, and we[my brother, dad and I] watched the other movie. That was fine.
But, when I woke up this morning, I woke up an hour late, so I jumped in the shower, and while I was in there, my dad comes in and goes "Your too late, Your too late." I have no idea why, but it irritated me. So I snapped back at him; "I can still take a shower!". After I got out, my mom came in and started telling me, that she was going to leave my dad, that we don't get along, and she's leaving us both behind. She asked if I deserved the hit on the leg. Then she goes that stunt you pulled, really screwwed things up.[Refering to showing her the picture, to get my dad in trouble.] And I wasn't allowed to go, where I had planned on going. So I slept. When I woke up, my dad was leaving for work, and he said "Bye." I said "Bye." And he goes, "I hope your happy." And as I sit here now, I can't help, but believe that I was responsible for my family falling apart. My parents have been otgether since they were 14, and I feel as though I ruined it all. That I was some sort of mistake. And I don't know what to do. Does anyone know how I can fix things? I'm feeling very depressed right now,and I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Thanks for anyone who tries.
First of all I am sorry about your parents divorce is a hard thing to deal with at any age.
Looking at this from the perspective of an adult your parents are dead wrong to accuse you or blame you for this. They obviously had problems before and to blame you they are obviously both trying to avoid responsibility.
You need to tell them that its unfair to blame you and that maybe they should try being the parents and letting you be the kid.
Hope this helps
I absoloutley love parties and everything about them. I'm constantly throwing them for everyone and every holiday. I plan everything, from the invites, the decoration, the food/drinks, even music compilations. I love it. So, I thought, this is something I love to do, so why couldn't I do it for a living? Plenty of people are self-taught in things like this, right? Start their own businesses and what not. If I wanted to move forward with this, how could I get the word out about me? How could I get started? I have experience, but you know, its family and friends. Should I make some sort of portfolio? Videos? What? Are there any classes I should take as far as the business side goes?
Thanks!
You should put together a portfolio of examples of the types of things you can do and have done. Also you should start making contacts with wholesalers who deal in party supplies so that you know who you can get you deals call a bunch and start finding out rates etc. so you can gage how much to charge clients.
For classes you would probably do really well to take some in business, accounting etc. so you know how to run a company. Also take a class where they teach you how to set up a buiness plan.
Hope this helps.
This might be kind of long...
Okay so I'm a fifteen year old girl and I work at a family owned art supply store in my hometown. The store also makes school supply kits during the summer for the area schools to use in the fall. So this summer I'm helping make these kits. It's easy, fast paced and it basically just requires a good memory and quick math skills. I really like it except for one thing...this girl I work with is such a bitch. If I mess like one little thing up she like announces it to the whole world to embarass me and acts like it's the end of the world and it's going to take forever to fix. Even if I apologize and fix it myself!! WHICH I ALWAYS DO!!! Then she'll like get these other two people that work with us involved in it by telling them that I'm really stupid and like make fun of me with them like practically right in front of me! And she's always poking fun at me for being young (because I'm 15 and everyone else who works there is 17+...and I'm going to college next fall so she calls me a weirdo) and sometimes when I say things like joking around with someone else she'll butt into the conversation and say something like "that's an immature answer" or "what a dumb thing to say" or "how juvenille". Then this new girl accidentally got out too much of something and she like flipped out but she's new so she should totally give her a break about it!!! I can't like talk with her privately about it because she'd just shut me down like she always does. What can I do to like stick up for myself and make her realize she's being a bitch to me and the new girl? HELP!!!!!!!
Ok first of all she is probably jealous that she has to go back to high school in the fall where you are getting a jump start on being an adult. Also she is jealous because to skip grades you are obviously very intelligent.
So here is what I would do, number one you can make a point next time she calls you immature or stupid point out just as loudly that if you are soooo stupid and immature why is it that you have finished high school its because you have more brains in your little finger then she has in her whole empty head. Keep in mind though that this is the un-professional way to handle it.
The professional way would be to discreetly go to your boss and point out what she is doing (keep a list for a couple of days prior) and tell your boss that she is making the workplace very un-comfortable for you and the new co-worker, then ask your boss to either speak with this dumbass alone or to set up a meeting where all 3/4 of you sit down and hash this out.
By the way this bullying in the workplace is illegal and is grounds for the other girl to be fired.
Hope this helps. Good Luck