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Is chatting, sending and receiving pictures "cheating?"
I am now living with a man I consider worthy. He is a divorced man of 18 years who discovered the internet when he had his heart attack 4 years ago. The internet provided "company" for him and he got involved with "cybering" with women. When I came into the picture a year and a half ago he was fighting with a women he was involved with ONLY thru the internet. He never met her in person but, fell in love with her on-line. Finally he realized how different a relationship was in person and he discontinued his on-line affair. He still cybered with women till I caught him one day. We had a discussion and I thought he quit. Now he says he just "chats" with women and swears there is no cybering, but I am leary because he sends his picture and receives pictures from women. I am going nuts! He says I accuse him and I do, but I am untrusting because he did this to me before and it upset me, so I question his love. The intimacy dwindled and he claims it's because of past issues that has nothing to do with me. I can't even bring it up because he clams up on me. He asked me to marry him and gave me a ring, but I said...I need ALOT more time as I fear of being controlled. I asked if that made a difference he said he understood and he still wants to be with me and for me to wear the ring. I need to find a way of talking to him gently, without malice, but each day I find pictures of women he talks to on AOL and I get more and more depressed.It just seems that I can't get him to make love to me. I told him to please be honest with me and tell me if I am unattractive to him, but he says he doesn't know what is wrong. I think he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings..but I would rather be told the truth than feel like he is cheating.
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The controversy over "cybering", online dating, and seemingly innocent "chats" is an interesting one. If one is in a committed relationship, it is WRONG. Behavior such as what you're describing only works to drive a wedge into an otherwise healthy relationship. It makes you feel devalued, humiliated, and underappreciated. It needs to stop.
If indeed he is merely "chatting" insignificantly with women, then pictures and images should be irrelevant. What does one's appearance have to do with what they're trying to say?
The truth is, there is something to be said for female intuition. If he is telling you one thing (i.e. "I quit cybering") but you're sensing another (he's online trading pictures and getting off in the process), odds are, you're striking the right tangent somewhere.
Plain and simple: Old habits die hard. If he's been known to show this behavior, and has done so for quite some time, AND its in time become some sort of a "comfort" (you mentioned after his heart attack) it's pretty safe to say that him simply saying he quits doesn't exactly make it a reality. Think personally: have you ever dropped a favorite indulgence of yours in just one try (or, after just one "discussion")?
He conveniently creates an uncomfortable environment for discussion so that you feel uncomfortable enough not to bring it up. This is typical manipulative behavior to keep you at bay so that his behavior can continue.
I applaud you for being open, honest, and direct with your decision about marriage. You decided to postpone with good reason!
Remember that any healthy relationship must be able to have an open and honest dialogue. Continuing the relationship further before addressing this issue will undoubtedly set you up for failure at some future point.
The fact that you are writing and asking for advice is a testament to your good nature. You clearly love this man, and unfortunately he does not seem to share your mutual respect. At this point, I feel he has taken you for granted. He sees no true incentive to discontinue his behavior, because he assumes you will be there regardless.
At this point I would recommend re-evaluating your relationship and deciding if this is something worth compromising on. Whatever your decision, share it with him direclty. He will need to make a decision. It may help to begin the converstaion with what you love about him, followed by what can improve. Remember, you want to create a dialogue, so be sure to give him room to indicate his likes and dislikes too.
Ultimately it will be him that will have to make a decision on what acts (or stopping which acts) are worth your relationship. I truly hope things work out for you, you are clearly a very intelligent woman! I hope my words have offered some clarity =)
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You have the truth in front of you, but you just won't look at it. This man is NOT devoted to you, nor is he a safe bet for marriage. He is a train wreck. I wouldn't bother trying to get a reason or excuse out of him as to why he can't give you WHAT ANY WOMAN WOULD WANT....picture yourself with someone wonderful, that you can be proud of how he treats you. Don't try and rehab this loser......be selfish with your precious time on this earth, and don't let anyone get in your way of a wonderful, fulfilling life. You are not a hostage in this, so you're choosing this if you stay...........think about it.......m
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Hey this sounds to me like he may have an addiction, there are actually clinics opening up now in North America that treat these addictions. You may want to sit him down and explain this to him and ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned. If you started chatting with random men and exchanging pics how would he feel?
I would suggest maybe counselling for both of you as a couple before you get married, my parents 30 year marriage ended when my father decided to meet one of his online chat buddies and have an affair.
To start a marriage with this involved and without the 2 of being able to have open and honest communication is dooming a marriage to failure. As with any addiction it has to be his choice to stop and seek help. It has to be your choice whether or not to stay, maybe leaving him would be the wake up call he needs.
I don't think that this has anything to do with you as a person, he may just be stuck in a cycle of the grass is always greener elsewhere.
If you ever need to talk or vent please feel free to send me a message.
Hope this helped
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Having an online relationship wouldn't neccessarily be considered cheating, but it definitely wouldn't come under the catagory of being faithful. If you're in a serious relationship and your guy really loved you, he wouldn't have other girlfriends online. If I were you, I'd sit him down one day and have a long discussion about your feelings about these women online and ask him to be truthful. If he can't do that, he isn't worthy of your love anyway.
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If you can't get him to make love to you then don"t marry him. It isn't everything in a relationship but it is very important. Maybe he is afraid to since having his heart attack, but whatever it is he needs to seek some medical attention and get to the bottom of it.
The cybering may just be a habit. He should mention it to a doctor too and get it under control. You should be the number one lady in his life. It takes more than him just telling you
that you are. If you don't feel its true then you aren't.
Until he seeks some help I wouldn't marry him. You are already miserable and it wouldn't get better. Sounds like he needs to get out of the house and find something more to do than just sit in front of the computer. If he can't then you need to stop wasting your time on this one. :)
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