I love to help people! I work as a therapist and have two degrees in psychology--but I'm still very young! I currently facilitate a program at work that enables a group to give advice to others on the internet. It was so joyful to be a part of, I decided to start a column of my own! I only offer advice on serious questions, but anyone will agree that the advice I give is incredibly insightful (especially considering the fact that its free!). Helping others makes me happy. Only my amazing fiance makes me happier. I love you Bachemah! Gulit.
Gender: Female
Occupation: Therapist
Member Since: April 27, 2007
Answers: 2
Last Update: May 5, 2007
Visitors: 639
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Background: I love her. I had to move last year for my work, but I made her the pledge that I would love her forever. As one of the things we did- I opened a joint back account with her- where part of my paycheck every 2 weeks would be deposited into that account. We "broke" up two months later. That account never closed. She started dating someone else. Now- she's using that account and now is spending like there's no tomorrow- 3300 dollars in 5 weeks.
But I still love her- and I can't close the account. What should I do? I don't know how to confront her if I should. I'm a fool. (link)
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As unfortunate and heartbreaking as this situation is, it is clear that she has already moved on, and at this point you are a distant memory. She is enjoying her life (without you, and I encourage you to do the same.
You must remove your name (and your money, if you can!) from that bank account IMMEDIATELY. Even if some miracle pulls you two together again someday, you can easily put it back, right? But until then, I suggest you be wise with your money and separate it from hers immediately.
Since you two have broken up, she is no longer obligated to divulge the details of her personal life. Confronting her solely about the money (and whatever arrangements you two need to make) is acceptable. If at all possible, I would try to get reimbursed for whatever of your own money was spent. If she opts not to do so, unfortunately, at that point there is little you can do. Its one of the risks (and pitfalls) of having a joint account. Take it as an expensive lesson learned and move on.
Personally, I would drain whatever remaining money there was left, remove my name from the account, and begin a new life, as she has clearly already done.
I'm awfully sorry that you were so deceived, what an awful thing for her to do! You deserve much better than what she's doing to you, and I hope my words have offered you some clarity.
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I am now living with a man I consider worthy. He is a divorced man of 18 years who discovered the internet when he had his heart attack 4 years ago. The internet provided "company" for him and he got involved with "cybering" with women. When I came into the picture a year and a half ago he was fighting with a women he was involved with ONLY thru the internet. He never met her in person but, fell in love with her on-line. Finally he realized how different a relationship was in person and he discontinued his on-line affair. He still cybered with women till I caught him one day. We had a discussion and I thought he quit. Now he says he just "chats" with women and swears there is no cybering, but I am leary because he sends his picture and receives pictures from women. I am going nuts! He says I accuse him and I do, but I am untrusting because he did this to me before and it upset me, so I question his love. The intimacy dwindled and he claims it's because of past issues that has nothing to do with me. I can't even bring it up because he clams up on me. He asked me to marry him and gave me a ring, but I said...I need ALOT more time as I fear of being controlled. I asked if that made a difference he said he understood and he still wants to be with me and for me to wear the ring. I need to find a way of talking to him gently, without malice, but each day I find pictures of women he talks to on AOL and I get more and more depressed.It just seems that I can't get him to make love to me. I told him to please be honest with me and tell me if I am unattractive to him, but he says he doesn't know what is wrong. I think he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings..but I would rather be told the truth than feel like he is cheating. (link)
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The controversy over "cybering", online dating, and seemingly innocent "chats" is an interesting one. If one is in a committed relationship, it is WRONG. Behavior such as what you're describing only works to drive a wedge into an otherwise healthy relationship. It makes you feel devalued, humiliated, and underappreciated. It needs to stop.
If indeed he is merely "chatting" insignificantly with women, then pictures and images should be irrelevant. What does one's appearance have to do with what they're trying to say?
The truth is, there is something to be said for female intuition. If he is telling you one thing (i.e. "I quit cybering") but you're sensing another (he's online trading pictures and getting off in the process), odds are, you're striking the right tangent somewhere.
Plain and simple: Old habits die hard. If he's been known to show this behavior, and has done so for quite some time, AND its in time become some sort of a "comfort" (you mentioned after his heart attack) it's pretty safe to say that him simply saying he quits doesn't exactly make it a reality. Think personally: have you ever dropped a favorite indulgence of yours in just one try (or, after just one "discussion")?
He conveniently creates an uncomfortable environment for discussion so that you feel uncomfortable enough not to bring it up. This is typical manipulative behavior to keep you at bay so that his behavior can continue.
I applaud you for being open, honest, and direct with your decision about marriage. You decided to postpone with good reason!
Remember that any healthy relationship must be able to have an open and honest dialogue. Continuing the relationship further before addressing this issue will undoubtedly set you up for failure at some future point.
The fact that you are writing and asking for advice is a testament to your good nature. You clearly love this man, and unfortunately he does not seem to share your mutual respect. At this point, I feel he has taken you for granted. He sees no true incentive to discontinue his behavior, because he assumes you will be there regardless.
At this point I would recommend re-evaluating your relationship and deciding if this is something worth compromising on. Whatever your decision, share it with him direclty. He will need to make a decision. It may help to begin the converstaion with what you love about him, followed by what can improve. Remember, you want to create a dialogue, so be sure to give him room to indicate his likes and dislikes too.
Ultimately it will be him that will have to make a decision on what acts (or stopping which acts) are worth your relationship. I truly hope things work out for you, you are clearly a very intelligent woman! I hope my words have offered some clarity =)
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