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23 and confused
23/F
Hello, I want to start by saying that I grew up in a house hold that everything got discussed and everything had a solution. Two parents that loved each other and did everything together. Even after 25+ years of marriage they would still grab the car and go places almost every Sunday. Unfortunately it all came to an end when she passed away recently.
But that's not why I'm here. I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years with a guy I've known for over 8 years. Started dating after talking for a good 6-7 months. Everything was great. We could talk for hours, hangout all day, we both love to dance even though I'm more of a dancer than he is. I could literally see him everyday and at the end of the day when he went home I already missed him.
Lately, a couple things have been happening. From me finding out that he has hungout with other girls with telling me to constant arguments about petty things. I hate arguing I think its such waste of time and energy.
Hes always going out of state with his boys for the weekend but the moment I decide to go out with a girl friend or even my older sister its suddenly an issue. And I honestly stopped going out because I didn't want to make him upset. Up until recently. I started going out again and I'm not much of a drinker so I am always conscious of what I'm doing and who I'm around. I go, have a couple drinks, see people I haven't seen in a while and that's it I come home. I feel like he thinks I go out and dance on all these guys and get sloppy drunk and flirt. But I don't.
I started to notice little things that in the past wouldn't have annoyed me but now I do. He always needs someone asking if he needs help 50 times before he finally accepts. Or if he's upset at me I have to ask 3 days in a row before I get an answer. Or the way he ignores me when hes around his boys for hours. I think its safe to say my feelings aren't what they used to be.
Thing is mom has gotten sick and even though I want to call things off and venture out I feel like I cant because of that. I love his mom and I think me leaving him it would probably drive him insane. I feel like this is such a sick relationship and I want to get out but idk if I should stay for the time being. Please help
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You sound like a truly kind and sweet person. I admire that. A lot of people do not take into consideration what someone is going through before they break up with them so I'm truly impressed by the compassion and caring you're showing for this guy.
That being said, I think you need to do the right thing and break up with him. Staying with someone because they're going through a tough time doesn't do them or you any good. You can be there for him, AS A FRIEND, but being in a toxic relationship (which is what it sounds like) is not good for either of you.
Two things to keep in mind - 1. There is never a "good time" in someone's life to be broken up with. What if after his mother gets better (and I sincerely hope she does) something goes wrong with someone or something else he cares about? Are you going to stay with him another year? Another 5 years? Will you marry him just so that you can help him through his tough times? Of course not. So why now? And 2. In reality it's not fair to him for someone who is not "All In" to be with him just to be 'nice' during this time. You can be there for him without being WITH him. Make sure he knows that and mean it when you say it. He needs a friend during this time, he needs someone who cares as you do, but doesn't NEED to be in a relationship with you to get through it. And you surely don't need such toxicity in your life either. It can embitter you in the long run and from the sounds of it - as kind and caring as you seem - you don't deserve that. Hope this helps! Good luck.
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The relationship your parents enjoyed sounds great, and enviable indeed. This is the touch-stone by which you evaluate other relationships? It's a fact of life that all pennies just don't fit the slot. All that lives grows and is subject to change. We do not always grow and change together. Sometimes we grow apart. Liking the same sort of amusements isn't sufficient to make a 'soul mate'. You've seen how the true connection can really work in your parents and it defies even time. I'm afraid it sounds rather like this relationship has just run out of fuel to me. The things you found cute and desirable in him, you suddenly find annoying, eh?
Can see that you're reluctant to upset him further when he's already facing other problems. But you can't really sustain a relationship on sympathy alone. Not at 23 anyway, and with no substantial investment/committments in it yet. It's almost certainly going to lead to you feeling very frustrated and 'trapped' and only a matter of time before you snap anyway. If you're using terms like 'for the time being' to describe the relationship I can't see it has any real prospects, can you? I appreciate it won't be easy to break it off because of a fondness for him and his mother, and a natural sense of compassion. But the option doesn't seem sustainable to me.
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I totally agree with dragonfly here, this is CLASSIC insecurity and it needs to stop. you need to make clear RIGHT OFF THE TOP that not HIM or anyone else will be telling you who you can and cannot have contact with, YOU and you alone will make that decision. He is totally allowed to let you know that someone has made him uncomfortable and you are hearing what he has to say about a SPECIFIC PERSON and that you will consider his opinion but that you make the final decision.
If this does not make him happy and he decides to "get back at you" by purposely going out and being seen with other women based on the assumption that thats what YOU do when you go out with your friends then that is ABSOLUTELY the breaking point. In no world is it ok for someone else to tell you who you can and cannot hang out with. they can tell you that they make them feel uncomfortable or that they are doing something that isnt appropriate but he is not a family member, and certainly NOT a husband. He never will be with that kind of attitude, and you need to make that clear.
If he makes a last ditch effort to try to take back what he has said, and say that he will change well then you can stick around a watch while he pretends because he WILL go back to being the same way.
Sweetie, the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship is over and your seeing each other for the flaws humans you really are and not some sort of a god, or diamond in the rough.
Its time to look at this realistically and ask yourself how long you can put up with this kinda shit.
you have a heart clearly and you deserve better.....so make it happen....
good luck
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Get out.
You shouldn't stay for the time being. Once you know that you truly want out, you wont be able to stay.
End the relationship, and then, when the dust had settled a bit you can decide if you think it's a good idea to reach out to his mom, and offer her any of your support or love in a letter or a message.
But you can't stay with him to try and save him or protect him. Once the feelings are gone, you can't fake them, not for very long at all. You know what the score is, you have to tell him.
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You said everything was great, been together as a couple 3 years and of that 3 6-7 months of just talking, surface level getting to know each other. You say all was fine then. However, as time went on, you both likely got serious about getting to know each other and its when we dig deeper into getting to know a person that we dscover whether there are any things about them that have remained hidden to this point, things which we know we can't live with, aren't healthy in a relationship, and won't put up with, and therefore...become a deal breaker. It means that is the point at which to break up.
Most people who first fall in love are in an immediate stage of putting ones best foot forward, to catch that interest, and so we're more careful, perhaps hiding behind a false facade or personality, and we may easily be viewing the relationship thru Rose colored glasses, unable to see the problems. It would have taken me only 2 3 months to see what you've gotten to the point of now. I should know...it happened to me and I was already married to the guy. You are not married, you can walk away. And who cares if it took 3 mos or 3 years to finally see his true colors, or at least stop making excuses for him or denying the issues and trying to overlook them. The important thing is that you finally see it all for what it is, not normal and certainly not something that makes for a healthy relationship.
At the end you mention Mom has gotten sick. I hope you're talking about his Mom cus at the beginning you mentioned yours died. If you got your story a bit messed up and we're talking of your Mom...and lets say she's still alive but terminal and dying, whatever time she has left is all you're going to have with her, I would say, spend as much time as you can, within reason (attending to school, job and such) and it may not include any time for a relationship with a guy who is insecure...thats his issue dear. My ex had that issue too. Its easy for me to recognize in a guy these days.
If you are talking about his Mom, her being sick has no bearing on whether he makes good relationship material or not. If trying to explain away that he acts this way out of stress of Mom dying, I need to set you straight.
Stressful situations don't 'make' a person change their true behavior and go against their character to act different. Stress only bring to the surface, that which already resided deep down at a persons core. In todays tech terms, its like the hard drive of a person. It contains everything that make a person who they really are as they operate in their life. a Computer with Hard drive issues is not going to work well if at all. With a computer, you can easily change a hard drive. In a person, their true nature at core is something only they can change and switch out replacing with better behaviour by first recognizing they are lacking and need to get better, and then being willing to make the changes necessary to become a better human. Problem is, most humans fear or resist change and over an entire lifetime make very little progress on the major change needs and only accomplish a few very minor ones, ones that really would not help making them someone easier to relate to.
In fact, in your case dear, this is a good thing, that you get to see how he acts under stress. When my 2nd husband and i are stressed, we dont let it out on each other, we don't yell, we dont get jealous, we are understanding, easy going, all the good stuff that makes a relationship work. When I am sick, stressed, tired, I dont lash out or act any differently toward others than when I am happy and healthy and stress free, and thats because of who I am at core.
So if you believe he is the type who could be driven insane by his mom sick or dying with you leaving him at the same time, its only more proof that he is a weak troubled character in need of professional help and you are not a licensed mental health counselor. You can not help him by staying with him until mom recovers or dies. What if she lingers in illness for 10+ years? My husbands mom had cancer that came and went into remission over a long period of time like that. Would you seriously considering staying in a terrible sick relationship with him just because his mom isn't getting better but keeps hanging on to life year after year.
It almost sounds like looking for an excuse to stay with him. Yes, your heart may feel the tie well and hurt when you break up, you can't avoid that. But your subconscious mind know this is a sick relationship. So don't let the fear of the natural period of time you may need to get over the hurt and disappointment of failed relationship hold you back from making the break away. Don't make excuses dear.
If you wish to go by and visit his mom once in a while, do it just for her, not to see him or converse with him or spend time with him. I am still good friends with my ex's parents. they are dear to me and I don't let his failure at being a good husband hold me back from keeping in touch with them. That means you have a heart. So visit her, but not so often that he see's you on a daily basis so he doesn't feel like you've really left him. His behavior is controlling, born out of many insecurities and that is something I learned in my twenties that my love and devotion to him just couldn't fix. I was trying so hard. But it takes 2, I learned, putting in equal amount of effort to make a relationship work. If on his end, he can't cus he needs counseling, then either he does that or he'll never have a normal relationship with a gal.
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You should leave him! Your boyfriend sounds like he wants to be dominant over you and tries to act like he doesn't need you. Not only that but, he feeds off of all the attention he gets. He wants people to need him.
One thing that bothers me is that when you are around other people besides him, he tends to get jealous. Relationships are not a one way street! It doesn't make any sense that it is acceptable for him to hang out with his buddies, but it isn't acceptable for you to do the same. If you really want out of the relationship, get out of it! Be selfish and think about your self! Think, what's going to make me happy! It's sad that his mother is sick, but life is tough sometimes! You have to do what is the best for you and then worry about others!
I hope you make the right decision and that you put yourself first! :)
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