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feeling jealous.
I have been feeling super jealous lately. I don't know why, I'm not usually like this. It all started when my boyfriend said he was going to get drinks with co-workers after work last friday. Most of them women. And I just didn't like that he was going without me. (I work late and couldn't go) What's more is that he didn't even tell me he was going until I asked him to do something after work. Also he carpools with this girl, who almost never pays him gas money, and I find out that she went to the bar after work two Fridays ago, and he bought her nearly $30 in drinks.
Anyways, I told him that I really dont like what's happening and I would prefer he doesn't go for drinks after work. Carpooling is one thing but alcohol doesn't need to be involved. And he said in a nutshell, too bad you need to trust me. Like, I do trust him but what he's doing makes me so uncomfortable, and he just thinks I'm overreacting.
Btw, I'm 21 my bf is 24. Together 5 years.
I need some advice here. Should I be feeling like this? Am I overreacting? Or am I right to feel this way? I just don't know.
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You have a right to feel like this :) Jealously is not necessarily a bad thing, it means that you love your boyfriend so much :) I mean he can totally have friends that are girls, because I am guessing you probably have guy friends :) Also, yes I agree that carpooling is fine, but alcohol is weird and does not to be included in this situation. It can totally make matters worse. You really need to set boundaries and ask him how he would feel if you were always going out with your guys friends? :)
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You should be feeling like this. It does not sound as though you are overreacting. He should not be buying another woman drinks, and it sucks to have your boyfriend go for drinks without you.
Tell him you would prefer that he doesn't go out unless you are there. If he says you are overreacting and that you should trust him, tell him that you do not have to trust him in every individual situation. Even if you trust that he loves you and wouldn't want anyone else, people make mistakes in certain situations. This is especially true when there is alcohol around. Explain to him that you trust that he loves you, but that you are worried because mistakes do happen. Tell him it would give you some peace of mind if he didn't go out without you.
If he does not agree to this, you could also tell him to text you every 15 minutes while he is out without you. That way, you will be on his mind the whole time and you will also be able to see if he is getting too drunk. Then tell him to come over to your place as soon as you get off work/at the end of his night out. This way you have something to look forward to after your shift, rather than worrying about what he is up to all night.
Be firm in your position and he will probably respect your feelings. Believe moi. Moi has a charm that is lethal to men.
Miss Piggy
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I agree with GiddyGeezer and Rahzie.
Even though you would prefer him not to go out drinking, it's isn't your choice to make and if you can't deal with that, then he's probably not the right guy for you.
BUT, how he handled it was wrong. "Too bad, you need to trust me" isn't how you talk to your girlfriend when you disagree with her.
I also agree with Rahzie that he shouldn't be buying her drinks. It definitely could mean nothing, but it sends out the wrong message and out of respect for you, he shouldn't do that.
You need to sit down and talk to him. I'm sure you realize that he makes his own choices and he wouldn't cheat on you. Tell him that you understand that, but sometimes you need reassurance and not to be told that your feelings are wrong. If he goes out, out of respect for you, not to buy other girls drinks even if it's completely innocent.
If he blows this conversation off, then it doesn't seem like he has much respect for you.
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The problem is not so much WHAT he is doing but how he is handling your reaction to it! You have told him how badly this situation is upsetting you and he isn't taking your feelings into consideration. The response he gave you seems very self centered and immature if you ask me. Personally, I think he should have tried to reassure you and comfort you. This lack of empathy for your feelings does not bode well for this relationship. Everything he is doing may be perfectly innocent and there may be no reason in the world not to trust him but that isn't what this issue is about. Once you tell a man who loves you that you are upset, he should be concerned for you and not just blow it off or put the blame back on you for "overreacting". (Personally, I hate that word). No one should ever make you ashamed for having an honest emotion or belittle you because you don't react to a situation in the same way someone else might. I think maybe you have some deeper issues going on in your relationship that need to be addressed. I hope he realizes the pain he is causing you and has enough maturity to do what it takes to make things right again. Good luck to you both!
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It sounds like you are mis-reacting, and over-reacting, but that doesn't mean what he is doing is perfect.
He should be free to go out with co-workers after work, without seeking your permission first. He knew you were busy, so he made plans. There is nothing at all wrong with that.
You may prefer he not go for drinks after work, but frankly, that's a pretty controlling position to take. That's something he gets to choose for himself. If you don't like the way he spends his time, maybe he's not a great match for you, but you don't get to lay down rules on that.
He's also free to give a ride to a coworker, even if she doesn't pony up gas money as much as you might like her too.
What you can, and perhaps should, point out to him, is that going to a bar and buying a girl a bunch of drinks send a certain message, to that girl, and to his other coworkers. If I were a coworker, or his boss, I'd think less of an employee who I know had a girlfriend, clearly and obviously giving that sort of attention to another girl - even if it was totally innocent, it looks bad. He shouldn't do things like that, out of respect to you, and to her. If he owes her money or wants to treat her - hand her the cash. Don't buy her drinks or pay her tab. That just looks bad.
By all means trust him not to cheat, but also ask him to avoid the appearance of dishonesty. Buying one girl a bunch of drinks APPEARS dishonest, and that's as bad for him professionally, as it is for your relationship. He needs a better sense of boundaries.
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Its good that you let him know, i understand completly both of you should sit down and you begin about explaining if he was in your situation how would he react. Maybe make plans whenever he wants to go out for a drink he waits for you or to be more spontaneous which ever of you get out of work late buys the drink/dinner but with the condition that whom comes out first heads straight home. (Buy/Rent movies always make the planes afterworks Dosent have to be home could be outdoor, talk walks) That way he holds himself more of going out with his coworkers and when he dose make sure that either your their or you know who are going.
Its good that you let him know what makes you unconfonterable and demostrate that you trust him but hold on a little its good to trust but dont let your guard down just cause he says so but dont go stalker crazy.
- Hope it helps
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"Too bad you don't trust me" invalidates your feelings and sounds like he'll do whatever he wants regardless of how it makes you feel. Go to a bar with dudes, let them buy you enough drinks to get sloppy and see if it bothers him. If it doesn't make him correct how he acts, he's not at all jealous--either because he's that free spirited and trusting or because he's more interested in this other chick.
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