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Intervening in childs relationships
Hello, I'm hoping you can give me some advice in regard to my almost 9 year old daughter and her "best friends" tumultuous relationship that has me concerned. . Just recently my daughter came to me crying and very upset because her best friend was mean to her via instant messaging (I went and read the messages to make sure my daughter wasn't lying about what happened and verified that what she said was the truth). The best friend was absent from school so my daughter messaged and her said "Hi, why weren't you in school today" and her best friend replied with "none of your business". My daughter quickly left a reply saying "I hope you aren't mad at me. I'm sorry and please don't be mad at me". I asked my daughter about this situation and she told me she just doesn't want her friend to be mad at her ever so she always apologizes to make things better, So after my daughter apologized, the best friend then called her and neither one of them brought up the fact the best friend was rude for no reason and they talked as normal until the best friend soddenly said to her "I don't want to talk to you anymore" and hung up on her. This situation is one of MANY of very similar situations that I overhear when their together, read over messaging or see happen via email. I try to always teach my daughter to stand up for herself and to make her see that she is allowing her friend to treat her badly and she shouldn't let anyone walk over her. I also tell her that this girl isn't being a real friend if she's doing this to her all the time but saying these things just makes my daughter more upset because then she thinks I think she's being a wimp. I told my daughter she should have asked her friend why she replied in the rude response of "None of your business" and hung up on her or at the very least she could have told the friend her feelings were hurt. My daughter responded "it will make her more mad and meaner to me". Seeing my daughter be walked all over and treated badly is BREAKING my heart and making me STRONGLY dislike this girl she is friends with. Being friends with this girl is making my daughter's feelings very hurt and it's breaking down her self esteem too because since she has been friends with this girl, her confidence has dropped and she isn't near as outgoing as she once was because she's afraid of the best friend always being mad at her. Do I say something to this girls mom, do I stay out of this and let my daughter deal with it or do I keep trying to teach my daughter to handle it in the way I think best so she isn't being treated badly? Please help - I really don't know what is best.
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"None of your business" is likely not an attempt to be rude, but to hide something embarrassing--she could be home because of lice or diarrhea! Even, "I don't want to talk to you anymore" could be her inelegant way of just asserting what she wants. Do not give your daughter the message that she's the victim based on these interactions. Your daughter seems very gentle and unusually perceptive of others' feelings and you should be proud of what a kind person you're raising. The most important lesson that needs to come through is that she can't let other people make her feel bad about herself. What other people say and do says everything about how they feel about themselves and nothing about your value. Encourage her to make new friends and set up other play dates, too, but I wouldn't even call what the friend does "mean" because that portrays it as powerful and directed against your daughter, I'd call it graceless or tacky, something that makes it clear that what's going on is entirely the other girl's issue and not related in any way to how your daughter is/should be esteemed.
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Razhie made lots of good points. You can talk to the teacher, but unless you have had this girl over and know her welland have observed a change in her behavior and are on somewhat of a friend basis with her parents to know how well they would handle your saying something, it's best not to.
I understand wanting to protect your daughter from the hurts and disappointment we find in friendships. This one girl won't be the only one. Best to teach her that it's something that will happen again with others and how to deal with it emotionally within herself. Teach her to not assume always that she did something wrong and to stop apologizing just to change someones mood, all that does is cause kids to see her as wimpy and they'll walk over her emotions all the more. Help her build her self image and see that sometimes, the issue lies entirely with the other kid.
Also teach her that there is nothing a person can do to change another person. That desire to change must come from within her friend, if the friends in question is making a choice to behave that way.
It may be family issues at home that have her acting up. If the girl has always been this way, thats one thing, but if her personality has begun to change slowly over the last year, it could be something else. There's a slight possibility its medically related as in hormonal changes with puberty. There are girls who experience puberty earlier than others. My daughters told me they had friends who confessed to having grown in their pubic hair by age 9/10 and were out of training bras by then when mine didn't wear any yet. We all have experienced the emotional highs and lows with hormonal change of puberty. Its worse these days for a great majority of teens. All humans, male and female are bombarded with estrogen released by plastics. We absorb it through daily life, it touches our food, bottled drinks, etc... and builds up in our bodies until we have as much estrogen as would be realeased by puberty before we reach puberty. I have come across this on the internet, not making this up. Read an article where moms shared their experiences. Daughters were out of control, not just the regular touchy and anger streaks but like that all the time, a total personality change and many girls ended up with experiencining depression too. Once Drs treated the hormonal imbalance, the girls went back to their normal lovely outlook. Your daughter is soon going to run into other girls over the next handful of years who have similar problems and lash out at a select few or everyone. She needs to know its not her fault and that this is a part of life. Once these kids are through puberty, they will go back to normal.
If it's a matter of bad home life causing the kids to behave this way, its an unfortunate thing we have no control over.
Your daughter needs to learn how to choose good friends. Write it out for her to keep going over until she memorizes it. If she can learn how to look for important qualities in a 'best friend' now, then she will be ahead of others when it comes time to date in later years and seek the person she eventually marries, because that guy should be as good as or better than a best friend to her and more. She needs to be taught what qualities are good and healthy in a friend and which are destructive and then let her choose as Razhie has said.
She won't learn unless you allowing her to make her choices and there will be mistakes. Never criticize her for her choices, just use them to illustrate points you've made earlier on what makes a good or poor friend choice. She'll figure it out eventually.
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The best thing you can do is make sure that you and everyone in the family treats your daughter with respect. It often happens that parents who disrespect their children get their back up when other people disrespect their child. Don't be that parent! Make sure you are treating your daughter right before you complain about others. If she is respected at home, she will likely seek respectful relationships elsewhere.
But, assuming that you are a loving and respectful family, it is possible that she is simply unsure how to stand up for herself because she is young. At eight or nine years old, it can be hard to know what to do in difficult social situations. Keep doing your best to teach your daughter to stand up for herself. She will eventually start listening to what you have to say as she grows up.
As for you not liking her friend, it might help to remember that her friend is only a child as well. Maybe this friend lives in a household where talking like that is the norm and she doesn't know any better. Have compassion for this.
This is also an opportunity to explain what is and is not polite to your daughter. Tell your daughter that some people speak this way, but that it is not right and it is not nice. Teach your daughter to be a nice person who has compassion for others.
Some mother daughter time might also be beneficial. Bake cookies together and make your daughter feel special. At her age, you are a bigger influence on her than her friends are anyhow.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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I don't think there is too much to do besides what you are doing.
I understand why you might want to talk to the girls mother, but frankly, this sort of mean behaviour is likely rooted what is going on home. If there is an underlying problem (beyond this little girl going through a stage of being very rude) then talking the mother is unlikely to help much.
You are giving your daughter the right messages, but you might reconsider phrasing them as questions, rather than statements. Ask her why she feels this person is a good friend if they act like this. Ask what sort of things she thinks good friends should do.
At nine she is probably ready for a bit more dialogue, and a bit less instruction from you. Asking her the right questions might be the best way to help her come to conclusions you both know are correct.
You might also ask her teacher's what they have observed, and if they have any concerns, or any insight into what is going on when you aren't there.
You might also find some organized activities for her where this friend isn't present: A club like the Girl Guides, or sports team or an after school class catered to her interests. If she feels she has only one friend, and can't find more, that will make it more difficult for her to stand up for herself. Sometimes we get unlucky as children, and there is just no one in our class or grade we really click with. If that is the case for your daughter, helping her to met more people her age may help her see her options outside of school.
I firmly believe that children should be given a hell of a lot of leeway to choose their own friends - and parents should really only end a friendship if it's dangerous - but as a parent you still have enough control to introduce her to new people and choose activities for her where she can make better ones.
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