|
I'm suspicious of my boyfriend's relationship with a female friend?
My boyfriend's best friend of several years is a female. She lives several states away and he rarely sees her anymore, but constantly "likes" her photos on Facebook and comments on her posts, etc. I know they talk and text a lot, too. I asked him once if they had ever dated, and he replied that they were like brother and sister.
I found some old photos of them on Facebook where they appear to be somewhat physically intimate. In fact, until I knew who she was, I assumed she was an ex girlfriend. He's giving her hugs, picking her up, giving her piggyback rides, etc.
I know that men and women can be platonic friends, but I don't go beyond hugging my close male friends (not as a rule, it just doesn't happen). She's an attractive girl, and I'm sure he sees that. I simply don't believe that he has no desire to be physically intimate with her given the photographs that I've seen. I've never met her but she's expressed desire to meet me soon. I have absolutely nothing against her, but I just want to know if my beliefs about their relationship are justified; and if so, what should I do about it?
Thank you :)
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I understand how you feel. I'm like you that I feel there are natural boundaries in non-romantic relationships. I don't cuddle male buddies or do anything that might give them the wrong impression, and my husband is very much the same way, if not more so. I also made a point of knowing all his female friends just to make sure we were all on the same page.
Here is the reality: jealousy isn't a bad word. If your guy could do anything with anyone and you weren't ever jealous, you wouldn't be in a relationship. There are some things that have to be special with just the two of you. You have to decide what level of jealousy you think is appropriate. If you don't match up in what behaviors you think should be exclusive for each of you, you should try to negotiate a balancing point.
One point in your guy's favor is that she's far away. Also, they've known each other a long time and nothing's happened yet. That's all evidence he can be trusted. Now that he's with you, though, there's no reason to give piggy back rides again. If she's over 10, she is too old for a "lil sis" piggy back ride IMO
]
I have to agree with the previous posters here, your basically putting cheating and him having a pretty female friend on the same shelf, and thats not where they belong at all.
ive been with my husband for 13 years, and i told him in the beginning that he was allowed to have female friends, and i would keep my male friends, as long as boundaries were kept to make others aware of the fact that we were in relationships.
I have several guy friends that i grew up with who i consider brother like and thats why the bond thats there would allow for "touchy feely" but still innocent and playful type behavior. On that same note though, now that we are all getting older (26, 27 and up years of age) more of us are in relationships and understand that our partners feelings are important so we need to consider their feelings and not offend people or "rock the boat" any if we can help it.
Texting, chatting, whatever are still very much allowed although we al have lives and jobs so thats still become a rare thing.
I also have to agree that just because you saw pictures of her or them together years ago, doesnt mean you get to unfairly judge her and jump to any conclusions. It sounds to me like if she is open to meeting you then she trusts your mans judgement and thinks you are a similar caliber of a person that her and him both are, and is already assuming that your awesome, and sweet, and cool just like he is, and WANTS to know you. Now why would you go and shut someone like that out of your life?
This girl doesnt even know you yet and WANTS to be friends. Give her a chance, and dont prejudge. She may just turn out to be a really awesome friend, and one you could come to love and have a close bond with for years to come.
please try to put aside your hang up's and be open . ive lost many guy friends simply because their girlfriends just saw my pictures and MADE them cut off contact. Imagine how painful thats got to be when youve known that person since you were wo years old and they felt like a brother to you?
trust me from the other side it hurts, and its happened to me so many times over the years, i cannot even keep track anymore. They know i was in a long term relationship too, but it didnt matter, they just couldnt get past their hang ups....i still miss some of them today and think of them often. = (
just give her a chance ok??
good luck sweetie.
]
He probably has thought about being physically intimate with her. I'm positive he's thought about that about just random girls he's met. It's just natural for guys.
Your beliefs about their relationship aren't exactly justified. It's just your insecurities. This kind of thinking can ruin a relationship.
As for him hugging her and all that. Some people might just be more touchy than you are. Not every is the same way when it comes to their friends.
So even if you wanted to talk to him about it, you'd probably just come off as being jealous. So you should meet her. She might be someone you might actually like and want to talk to more. If after you meet her and you're noticing anything else that might be a red flag, then you have reason to be concerned. But just Faccebook photos and texting often isn't something to over think.
]
Razhie gave you some good advice, let me tell you something's from the male perspective.
IF a male ever stops looking at a female check his pulse for he is probably dead. I'm serious here for the female of our species has been put here to be admired as they are all beautiful. It is very possible to admire or even desire more than one women but we are monogamous by nature which means we can only love one.
I have several women friends that like your bf are women I admire for different reasons. The one I admire the most and sounds a lot like the girl your speaking of also happens to be my closest friend. I won't lie and say I have never desired her though at the same time I know neither one of us would ruin a good friendship by taking our relationship to that level.
My wife is not jalousie of her for she knows her and they two are good friends have been since the day I introduced them. We now live on opposite ends of the country but we stay in touch, the three of us in different ways, social media, texting, and the occasional phone call. I grew up next door to this women she is a sister to me, that doesn't mean I can't desire her. Yes we did try dating and it really wasn't for us.
My advice is meet this woman, size her up for yourself before you decide if she is a threat to you or not. One other thing whether you marry this guy or someone else you might consider telling your future husband what my wife told me.
My wife told me; "I can look at the menu all I want, if I reorder she will cut a very important appendage from me." We will be married 43 years come June.
]
It's pretty unkind to make these sorts of decisions about your boyfriend and this person who is very important to him, who you have never actually met.
If all that is bothering you is pictures on Facebook, I think you might be giving into insecurity and jealously.
Has he probably thought about having sex with her at some point in his life? Sure, but the same can probably be said for most reasonably attractive women he meets in a given day, including cashiers and teachers. Being a in a relationship is not about never being attracted to other people - even friends - it's about trust and respect.
If you trust and respect your boyfriend, and he respects you, there is no danger in him being good friends with a pretty girl.
Besides that, what would you say to your boyfriend about your opinions?
Would you tell him he is now forbidden from anything more than a hug with her? Or that he's a dummy who doesn't know how to manage his own friendship with his best friend? Would you tell him this friendship he values so much is abnormal and wrong?
I'm not sure what you could do to express your opinion to him, and not have him very fairly take offence. You don't have the evidence to start saying these sort of things, that will sound very much like accusations or insults.
Meet her. It''s good that she wants to meet you.
Meet her and spend time with them together. If something bothers you about what you see when they are actually together, that might be worth asking your boyfriend to change his boundaries with her, out of respect for the fact he in a relationship. But if you go on the offensive without even meeting her, based only on Facebook photos, you run the risk of treating a good guy, very badly, without justification and loosing out on someone who simply has an attractive female friend.
It's good to keep your eyes open in a new relationship, but stop assuming the worst of your boyfriend. That would kill a relationship just as surely as cheating would.
]
I have female friends and my girlfriend is fine with that because she trusts me, you should trust him and if you don't then your always going to think bad thoughts. The fact that she wants to meet you says to me that they are just good friends and she wants to involve you in their friendship. trust him!!!!
]
Your immaturity is showing! Please do not let your insecurities ruin what sounds like an otherwise good relationship! My daughter's were best friends with our neighbor boys but they never dated. As your boyfriend described they grew up more like brothers and sisters. You are looking for trouble where there isn't any. The real problem here is that you don't trust your boyfriend. You simply can NOT have a relationship without trust. Now please understand these are YOUR issues, not his. He has explained the situation and that is all he should have to do. Frankly, you are being jealous and petty. More than one girl has lost a great boyfriend that way. My advice is to meet the girl and make her a best friend of yours as well. You can handle this situation like a girl or like a woman, it's up to you. I think your guy would be a lot more impressed by a confident secure woman than a jealous, insecure little girl! Please take the high road!
]
More Questions: |