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Best Friend and Friend Lied to me simultaneously
there is a huge back story so I'll just bullet point in the chronological sequence of events however before that, I am M and was 16 when this happened.
1. I found out the person(lets name her X) I liked got an anonymous card for valentines day
2. I told my best friend that I liked X
3. Next day, best friend said He liked X and then told me he was the one who sent the card to X when I queried if he knew who sent the card.
4. I talked to X, if she knew who was the person who sent the card (since I know), she said no, she said she could 'wait'
5. I asked X a week later, about the card issue, turns out my best friend and X have already started going out secretly and privately for like a week after I found out best friend liked her. and they said they didnt want anyone to know and it was my best friend's Idea. (So B.P 4 was an act)
6. They both lied to me for a week, and thought their acting skills could last their whole relationship.
7. X actually already told heaps of people before I knew, so why am I left out, and i believe that B.F told X I also liked her.
8. BF has lied to me occasionally on important events before
9. I wasn't actually into her as much since the highschool courses are important for tertiary courses, and i knew being in a relationship would distract me. However my main issue is TRUST.
My question is "Should I trust the two of them again?"
My current stance is: No, B.F lied many times. X Followed B.F mindlessly, but even still, told her whole year level, apart from her close friends. So X followed like a sheep against me but also betrayed B.F by spreading it to the year level. But my way of knowing is simply reason and logic, not emotion, authority or morals
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Honestly, you aren't being much more mature about this than they are.
This was their romantic relationship. If they weren't ready to talk with you about it, after one short week, that is hardly a monstrous offence. They might not have handled this in the best possible way, but you're degree of judgment is only a little bit about trust (if it were only about trust, there would be no need to ask this question, and no reason to include so much editorializing in it either) the rest of it is about being pissed off because a girl you liked preferred the company of someone else, and you believe your friend betrayed your confidence about the fact you liked her, and you feel left out.
You probably feel embarrassed, and its okay to be embarrassed and pissed off.
But your taking your judgements of them much to far when you start to call them names like 'sheep' or decide that X was so wrong to tell other people she wanted to tell about the relationship.
It's not reasonable to refuse to forgive friends because they fumble their first young relationships, make mistakes and get confused. You are going to alienate yourself from people who might be otherwise good friends and human beings.
I don't know if you should trust them, or if they are otherwise good friends. What I do know is that when you make a decision you need to take way more into account than the last few weeks, and you need to put whatever negativity you are feeling aside, and actually consider what answers you actually had a right too.
Pure reason and logic will not always lead you to the best path, or the best friendships. Your judgments need to be tempered with compassion and respect, even when others make mistakes,
Not even psychopaths make choices simply on reason and logic. If you continue to tell yourself that those are the ONLY factors that influence you, you'll be lying to yourself, and are going to cause yourself unnecessary misery.
So, instead of deciding if you 'should' trust them or not, ask yourself what kind of friendship (if any) you want with them both in light of all your experiences with them, not just the last few weeks.
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If your best friend lied MANY times before, then I wouldn't trust him. This seems important to you, so what if he does something like this again?
Now for X... If she also lied many times before, then I wouldn't trust her either. But if this is the first time, then I'd still trust her. It seems like she wanted to spare your feelings.
Good luck and take care,
Christina
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It seems like they were trying to spare your feelings. Did you ask them why they lied to you about this?
The reason why you were probably left out was because your friend could have told her you liked her, so she didn't want to tell you.
So honestly, the trusting thing is up to you. If you feel like you can trust them again, then go ahead, be friends with them.
If you do decide to be friends with them, you have to forgive them. You can't hold what they did against them.
If you feel like you can't trust them, then just let it all go.
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You can't really "trust" most teenagers. I've been there, I know how it is. Unfortunately, the brain isn't fully developed until you're 25 or so, which is probably why your friends are making silly choices and doing "untrustworthy" things. My guess is that they did this in an attempt to try not to hurt your feelings. Obviously their logic was flawed and it blew up in their faces. There probably wasn't any ill will though, and while you can't ever really fully trust your fellow teenagers, that doesn't mean that you can't be friends with them.
This is a fantastic article explaining what I was talking about with the brain: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Don't be too hard on your friends. They seem like good people. Good luck!
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