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I can't get over being raped
20/f last year I was raped by my ex boyfriend, long story short we drank (he led me to believe he was drinking but in actuality I was the drunk one,) when we went to bed I remember waking up to him doing the act. To this day I have not told anyone except a good friend, and my new current boyfriend (of almost 9 months) at the very beginning of our relationship, but I toned town the story a bit. Nobody actually knows everything that happened, and I can't seem to get over it. I have brought it up once to my boyfriend, and he consoled me (as well as wants to kill my ex) but I feel badly about the topic if it is to come up again, I don't want him to think I still think about my ex. Should I be over it by now? It makes me feel dirty and sick to think about it, I could cry.
Thank you
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Aw sweetie, i'm so sorry that you had to go through something like that. My best advice for you is to get some counseling so that you can move on from this horrible thing that happened to you. That is how you're going to heal and be able to move on with your life through therapy. I have also had to deal with a lot over the past year and I am currently in therapy and I can't tell you how much that has helped me. I wish you the best of luck and remember that life goes on and one day, you will have moved past all this.
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There is no certain time limit in which you have to get over rape. But you should have went to the police after he did it.
~PJC
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I am speaking from a personal experience i got raped and i was a virgin in one of the worst ways and today i am very angry but i have found Christ even before this occurred. and its easier for someone to not be in your shoes to try to understand but they really dont. Right now i dont feel compelled to tell anyone but what happened to you encouraged me to reply to you...i still think about it daily like what have i done but in your case look at the positive side, you have a new partner that is consoling you and he is that angry...its a daily process take each day as it comes yes it makes you think what your ex did to you was vile and is vile.
take care
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With personal experience I no that that is a very sensitive topic. It will always be with you. But you have to fight it. You have to cry. As Jesus once said "Sometimes weaping is the best way to solve a problem." You really need to talk to your boyfriend more about this, espically if you have a good relationship with him. :)
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I am terribly sorry for what you have gone through. No one should have to deal with being raped.
First the facts: Your ex cannot contend you consented;you were drunk. In the eyes of the law someone who is drunk or under the influence of any mind altering substance is not able to give consent. This is the law and you can charge him with rape, even today however long ago it may be as long as the statue of limitation has not run out. In most states this is 5 years.
Now as for rape itself. Rape is not something you get over. You have been violated in the worst possible way a women can be. What can be done is through proper counseling with a rape counselor, a psychologist, we can help you deal with this is away that you can learn to put this behind you and move on with your life. To live a normal life even though you have been raped.
What you feel right now is appropriate for what has happened to you. You need a sense of closure to feel better. That closure could be to bring formal charges of rape against your EX.
There is a group called RAINN I would like you to contact. RAINN stands for; Rape, Abuse,Incest, National Network. They operate a 24/7 hot line you can call for help. The number is 1-800-656-HOPE. When you dial that number their computer notes your area code and first 3 digits of your phone number to route your call to a crises center near you.
Nothing about the call or the routing is retained by the crisis center unless you request them to retain the information you give them or talk to them about. Their purpose is to help you through what has happened by helping you find the proper professionals to help you. TO offer you the support you need right now and that shoulder you need to cry on as well.
They can answer any questions you may have about charging your ex with rape. What the process is and what you can expect after you file the charges. They can recommend the therapists in your area that are trained to help you. They can offer you far more support than any of us can.
One thing I would like you to remember up front about what has happened. You are a victim. Nothing you did or said caused you to be raped. Your ex is now a criminal and should be dealt with accordingly. He can scream for now to Saint Swizzles day that you consented. Under the law you legally could not consent. Any boy/man old enough to have sex knows this.
You have a good boyfriend now who I believe loves and respects you. Don't chase him away over this. Call RAINN and get the help you need to properly deal with this so you can get on with your life.
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You've told him, he knows and the reaction was a good one. I doubt he needs to know every detail of the act. Dragging it all into the open is a good way of facing it, but I'd say he's not the one to do it with. As far as this relationship, draw a line under the event and move only forwards. From your own point of view it is essential that you come fully to terms with it of course. A horrible and traumatic experience, but one which you did not invite and share no reponsibilty of course. I can imagine you feel sick, it's a sickening violation...but by him. Dirty? Not you...not in the slightest. You were the victim, but it's essential now that you get yourself clear of a 'victim mentality' which is no good for anything. It holds you back. You're forever his victim until you let go...he wins. He spoils the new relationship. You're not going to let this happen are you? Saying that you have to acknowledge and accept it sounds awful. Why should you HAVE to accept it? Because it's happened and you can't make it un-happen. By acceptance you take away every scrap of his power over you. It will liberate you. Counselling, therapy...call it what you will, can help. But ultimately it's up to you to 'get over it'. What happened was in every sense, a crime against you. And ALL crime has the same psychological effect. The citizen who finds their home has been broken into, or who is attacked and robbed on the street. All find that the unspoken 'contract' we have with civilised and decent society has been broken, and it shakes us to our very core. It takes a while to rebuild the former confidence, some never rebuild it. They rage against it, dwell on it...stay victims. Your current partner has proven with nine months of his life already that your confession hasn't lowered him one jot in his estimation. Hasn't he? What a big positive THAT is to take with you on your path to recovery. He loves you just the same as if it had never happened. I think you know where you're going with this already...good luck...keep going forwards...stop looking back.
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Whilst it's important your boyfriend knows, don't keep reminding him. If he knows once, that should be enough-as then he'll be aware you were in quite a controlling relationship before.
I suggest seeking help from other sources. Have you tried counselling? Remember, rape is a very serious crime, and it takes different people different amounts of time to deal with it.
I mean, if he was your partner, this was domestic abuse. Talk to your doctor, and they may be able to refer you to a support group.
Of course, you could talk to your family about it, but if it's still in your mind today I think it's time to get professional help. Many of this help is free, so you should make enquiries asap.
You wont be judged, and you'll be able to move on in your life.
I wouldn't suggest this is an issue to be bought up with your current boyfriend, unless of course its so prominent you feel you can't do certain things with him. By getting the help you need from OTHER people, you can move forward.
Of course its hard to not speak about such a serious issue with your boyfriend, and I'm sure he'll be there to comfort you if you need it, but as long as you give off the impression that you're a strong woman and despite everything can move on, then you'll be fine.
Take your time, you've been through a tough time and with the right help you'll recover fine.
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Talk to more people, your close friends, family and maybe a psychiatrist about this issue if it still bothers you. It seems like it has affected you emotionally and physically so I do suggest you talk to a psychiatrist.
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thinking about it has nothing to do with any sort of romantic feelings about your ex, and hopefully your current boyfriend will understand that. What happened to you was an extremely traumatic thing, and it's extremely common for rape/sexual assault survivors, as well as survivors of pretty much any traumatic event, to have memories of the event. Everyone has their own healing process, and if talking about it is what will help you get through it, then I can't imagine your boyfriend having a problem with it. I would like to recommend a site that helped me tremendously when I was going through a similar experience. It has various articles and resources, as well as a forum and chat room, both full of supportive people who have gone through similar experiences. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I'm not saying you have to visit the site, that's completely up to you, but if you ever need to just get things off your chest and talk to people who can relate, that's an amazing site to check out.
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First of all, you bringing it up doesn't mean you're thinking about your ex. It means you're thinking about yourself and how you feel. You've gone through a traumatic experience that no one should have to go through and so naturally you happen to think about it. Honestly, i feel like your current bf is being supportive and wants to help you so if you tell him how you feel then it doesn't look bad on you. Let him know that you are having trouble getting over feeling dirty and sick. It's good to talk about it. Now, you have to know that it wasn't your fault. The last thing you want to do is blame yourself. Let those close to you help you out...you'd do the same if you were in their shoes wouldn't you? Terrible experiences such as this sometimes can't be forgotten...but you have to take consolation in the fact that you have people that love you and care for you and that will help you through it. I'm sorry you feel this way and I hope this helped.
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