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I've lost my best friend because of his jealous girlfriend!
I had a Friend who was one of my best friends. In fact he was more like the little brother I never had.
About a month or so ago, he got back with his ex, who had cheated on him in the past. He said at the time, he felt like he was making a huge mistake, but he loved and missed her and she felt the same. I said as long as he was happy, I was happy.
Anyway, she recently kicked off at him about us being friends and he explained to her we are only mates and we have a brother/sister relationship. Bearing in mind He's 19, I'm 24 and I am actually engaged to my partner of 6 years and I love him.
There has never been anything more than that between us and never will be, we were just very close. Anyway she was fine with it after he'd explained.
She then kicked off about a week ago again, and sent me a message on facebook pretending to be him, saying don't ever speak to me again.
When I questioned him about it, he said he was sorry, but he couldn't speak to me ever again as he needed to save his relationship. I was absolutely devastated.
I then got a message off his girlfriend, saying she didn't appreciate our relationship as we "flirt" too much. Her interpretation of flirting is a few messages from me saying "hiya sweetheart are you having a good day?" or "have a good day babe"
We've always spoke to eac hother like that by the way.
She went on to explain that she dosen't like the manner in which we speak in and feels it's not acceptable for us to speak that way. I said to her she is obviously insecure because I have a partner of 6 years and I love him. There is absolutely no reason for her to think otherwise.
Anyway my friend said they had argued about it and now as a result he's cut all contact with me. She's told me never to speak to him again and she says that he says the same. She said she feels better now nobody is going to call "HER boyfriend" sweetheart.
I think it's absolutely ridicilous and I haven't stopped crying for days. Not only have I lost one of my best friends, I've also lost someone who was like my brother.
I'm so angry, hurt and upset because I know she's made him choose between us, and while I wouldn't have wanted him to choose her over me, I wish he would have valued me as a friend and told her straight that she is being ridicilous. It shouldn't have even come to this, there's never been anything more between us. I'm absolutely heartbroke, but I've respected what he's said and not contacted him, but I did message him saying that I'll always be here.
His girlfriend is obviously very jealous and insecure.
I just don't know how to deal with this. I know I can't do anything but she is controlling him and it breaks my heart.
When I apologised to her during our conversation for her being upset, she said fair enough, I know there's nothing going on between you. So why was there still an issue here?
He's blocked me on everything by the way.
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Hey there,
I am so sorry I didn't reply sooner, I haven't been on here for a while... but I hope I can help now.
Your friend's ex is definitely jealous, insecure and as I see it: very much controlling. I have to say though, that your friend was not completely sorry about cutting you off as a friend. He made that concious decision when he told you and you need to know, that is not because he doesn't want to be friends - that is because it was his plain, simple choice to choose his cheating ex over a person that would never treat him the way she does - you. Why would he do that? I don't know for sure. Perhaps, he had fallen into the trap that many of us have; of being in love with someone only because they told you they loved you, or that they cared, or maybe because they made you feel like you were complete in some way. Then, to take that all away from you like rain from the clouds.. when truly, all he really liked about her was, the 'feeling' of happiness that she gave him in the past.
Telling him he can't speak to you or have any contact with you is like telling a dog he can't have water after he walked all day.. it is going to happen eventually. He will talk to you. I see how your friendship has made you two prone to calling eachother sweet names, which is actually cute.. but with that said: with him 'seeing' his ex again, that did make things a bit rough. If you know she's jealous, you shouldn't call him sweetheart. But, with that said: she should also be able to trust that you two are just friends as well and get on with life.
I am so sorry she took one of your best friends away from you.. you are right in that he should of valued the friendship you two had and said to his ex 'hey, we are just friends. If you cannot accept that then we can't be together', straight up and to the point. Unfortunately, not everyone is as understanding as we wish them to be.. You shouldn't have been left in the dark and he shouldn't have put you there because of what someone else (his ex) said. It was the right thing though, to not message him and dig yourself deeper than she has already put you. Also, by saying you'll be there for him shows you have a lot of respect.
I am sorry to say, she will be controlling your friend for awhile... If she can make him cut contact with you, then who knows what she can make him do. The point of saying "oh i know there's nothing going on between the two of you" was to show that she has all the control. She basically proved that she is a master manipulator and that he needs to find his own way out. All I can say is that eventually he will come around. No really, he will. One day your friend is going to realize he broke off an amazing friendship for a girl that took all of his originality and dignity away. He will wake up one day and she will probly treat him the same way she did in the past, then he'll come running back to you hoping everyting will be okay. When that time comes, you tell him everything will be okay. Tell him he made a mistake, you forgive him, but you want him to know that you would of never done that to him. Until then, let him figure out his own mistakes. And you cannot dwell on this situation, because eventually he will regret what he has chosen to do.
You need to be strong, so he can be too. You need to be someone he can come to when he feels down. Be the person you want him to be, so he can understand what he chose.
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Maybe you should message her or try to contact her in some way. Explain to her how you feel, and that you don't think its right that she made him pick between you and her. If she really loved him than she would never make him pick between ANYONE. But I will admit, I wouldn't want ANYONE, I don't care who it is- calling my boyfriend babe, or sweetheart either. That can be misunderstood as flirting, and it doesn't matter what you say about that- she won't believe it. All you can do is promise her that if she would have told you straight up that you calling him babe and sweetheart was what bothered her, than oyu would have gladly stopped to keep the friendship you cherish so much. She is insecure- only because you are in a committed relationship of 6 years, and she isn't allowing a friendship with someone of the opposite sex.
What is really messed up, is the reason why she is insecure, isn't because of her pyshical appearance, or trust issues- its because she is known to cheat, therefore, she believes he will cheat to 'get back at her'.
I can promise you, these two won't last long. HOpefully he won't stay too blinded by her and her controlling ways, but there is always a possiblity.
Now, she isn't the only bad person in this situation. He is as well. If he was a true friend, he wouldn't let ANYONE come between a friendship HE really CARES about. Trust me on this, when a guy has a friendship, and he puts 100% into it, and actually allows himself to trust someone with all his heart, he will not let NOTHING come between it. Therefore, he wasn't a real friend to begin with.
He will realize the mistake he made, when this low down cheats on him again and he is left wiht NO ONE because SHE let it be that way.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know what it's like, I've been in your exact situation. It feels almost as bad as it does when you are actually in love with someone and they leave you for NO REASON. You're left with a million questions, heartbreak, and unwiped tears. You are left with no one to talk to, because whenever you felt similar to how you feel now, that person who you always went to, isn't there anymore.
It sucks. But it'll get better. He'll come back; maybe not ASAP- because he will feel too bad, and won't know what to say; but he'll come back.
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You're right theres nothing you can do sadly. His girlfriend just seems really insecure within the relationship and its really unhealthy. If something needs to change its really your friend who would need to stand up to her and it doesn't look like he is. I know how you feel I've lost some friends when they've been in relationships before and it stinks. I remember I made a friend in college and he would secretly hang out with me and my friends. We would take pictures and post them on facebook but he wasn't allowed to be tagged in them for fear his girlfriend who freak out. Unfortunately there are some girls who just can't take it when there is a friend that happens to be a girl its like its a threat. In a weird sort of way I guess you could take it as a compliment...you have something that she lacks. I know it may be hard but I think you should just keep doing what you're doing and try not to let it bother you. Easier said then done I know. I have a friend who is like a brother to me and we are going through something similar and it kills me that he's not talking to me. I realize though that I can make him my main focus and that I need to keep going. I'm sorry that this is happening to you and I wish there was more I could say but unfortunately there is nothing else that can be done. Take care of yourself and good luck!
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First, I'd like to say I'm so sorry to hear this situation has happened to you and your best friend. My response is not going to be short, I’m sorry.
In my personal opinion and experience, it can be EXTREMELY difficult to have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex and have romantic relationships outside of them. To be honest it has been a struggle for me in the past so I feel I can see both sides of this.
I was homeschooled for a while I was very, very sheltered and really didn't have a lot of interaction with kids my own age until the middle of high school and then college and a job. Whenever I first started becoming more sociable in high school I thought everyone was my friend, but of course high school is high school and it always ended up being either the guy liked me and i didn't feel the same way or i liked the guy and he didn't feel the same. I struggled with it.
To make matters worse every relationship I've been in (except for my last one) I was cheated on. Therefore, I can understand the very insecure part that your best friend’s girlfriend may be going through. It's heart wrenching when you don't like yourself at all and you feel like you don't deserve the guy you are with because you are constantly comparing yourself to other girls that maybe getting his attention. Someone in her shoes feels so little about themselves, sometimes so little that it can be dangerous to her own well-being.
HOWEVER, I had to learn that just because I was in an abusive relationship in the past and been in relationships where I have been cheated on DOES NOT mean that EVERY guy is just like them. I also had to learn that it is possible to have guys who are seriously just like brothers to you, which I now have a few of and don't know what I'd do without them. They are awesome and we all know where we stand. It's truly just pals being there for each other when needed and hanging out. I unfortunately had to learn the hard way, and by that, I mean I lost my last boyfriend who did not cheat on me to MY jealousy and insecurities. Surprisingly enough because of that break up was how I found my first best guy friend.
With all of that said, now that I know better and realize I am an adult and the people I have relationships with are adults as well, I don't have to always be afraid that my high school years will come back to haunt me.
What I'm trying to say is, you are right, and in my opinion, this girl is in the wrong, but I see where she's coming from and I feel incredibly sorry for her. It's something she is obviously struggling with and I wouldn't wish that struggle on anyone. Eventually if she can't cut this out and stop trying to control every single person that your best friend and her boyfriend talks to, eventually she WILL lose him. He will realize he has had enough and won't be able to stand not being himself or being with people who really care about him. No matter how much he may care for her if she can't allow him to be himself and has this "tight leash" if you will on who he can see and talk to, eventually it will get tiring. She can't stop him from talking to people (including the opposite sex) forever.
That's why they have those silly clichés about how important trust and communication is in a relationship. As well as why it's SO important to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you.
With all of this in mind, the best thing I feel I can suggest to you is to try to wait it out. You have completely put yourself out there. You have apologize to both of them (even though you didn't do anything wrong, but you were being the bigger person which is fantastic), you tried to talk to both of them about the situations and to reassure them both about how innocent your friendship is, and you let your little brother/best friend know you will always be there for him.
I truly don't feel you could have handled that any better than you already did, Hun. You said he has blocked you in every way, which is so unfortunate, but at this point the best thing I feel I can tell you is to, again, wait it out.
He will realize that it is going to get strenuous to be under so much pressure from someone. I'm so embarrassed to say I've made a guy feel like that too (the difference was the guy I was with admitted to having a crush on this girl but said it was platonic which is the worst thing you can say to your girlfriend who has self-esteem problems.) Again, he probably will just get sick of her flipping out and getting so angry and upset by every person he talks to.
I've seen it many, many times. Not just me personally but from friends and friends of friends.
You have done everything right that you can. IF you do ever get the opportunity again to talk to him, I'd try to find a way to talk where his girlfriend is not going to see everything. Just simply say, "I know that you feel you are doing what is best for your relationship. I get that, and I completely respect you and how you feel you need to handle this. I would just like to let you know you have felt like family to me, I miss you like a brother, and I truly care about your well-being. If you feel you get to a place in your relationship where we can be friends again just know I will be here with open arms."
Once you've said your peace hopefully, he will realize how great of a friend and person you are even more than he already knew before, and will come around. If not, hopefully when things do fall apart, and believe me if his girlfriend keeps this up it will, then hopefully he'll know that you will be there to catch him when he falls and can learn from this situation. Also, pray that his girlfriend can learn from this too. I know what she is doing is so aggravating, trust me, but this poor girl must be going through an awful lot and feel so low about herself to be causing this much turmoil to keep him away from you. Try to forgive and not be angry, feel sorry for her and wish her that best that she will learn to love herself and to trust so she can have happy and healthy relationships.
I hope you and your friend reunite soon. It really is a tough situation. I hope I could help give some sort of different perspective in a way that is somewhat comforting.
Try to hang in there, continue to do the best you can to be patient. Know you are a good person and great friend, and he will come around and you will be the one to help him get back on his feet. Good luck!
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This is a terrible situation. You simply have to talk to him somehow.
He is 19. He thinks that this girl is the love of his life. Has he had many relationships? If he thought he was making a mistake, but STILL went for it, then it sounds like he had one, and was desperate not to let it go.
She is obviously jealous, and not a very nice person at all. But you musn't criticize her to him. He will not be willing to listen.
You just have to find a way of contacting him, and arranging a meet up. Let him know, that trust is fundamental in a relationship. If she can't trust him, then it will never work. You also need to say that you both cant let someone come between your friendship. But don't make it sound like you are trying to break them up.
But if he is unwilling to listen, or you are unable to contact him, the unfortunately you will just have to accept it. Just call it quits, and wait until they break up. It's going to be inevitable. And when he does, he will need an old friend to speak to. This is where you come in. Be there for him. Listen, and be a shoulder to cry on.
You just have to hope that he comes to his senses as soon as possible.
Good luck!
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