Question Posted Wednesday October 13 2010, 2:04 am
I've been married to my beautiful wife for 3 years now. I told her I'd do anything in the world to make her happy and to please her. About a week ago she confessed to me that she wants to experiment with other men. She wants to actually have sex with another man to see what it's like since she has only been with one other man before our marriage. I can't really overcome this and it makes me feel like a bad husband. I told her I'd have to think about a lot of things first. She said that it's the only way she'll be completely happy in this marriage. What do I do? I feel like if I say yes then I am degrading myself and this marriage, but if I say no then I'm holding her back from what will truly make her happiest in this world.
Id like to propose a different solution. Take a look at "polyamory" . There are many people living a lifestyle with multiple partners. They believe that if you are attracted to someone, it doesnt HAVE to mean you no longer love your spouse, or your 1st partner.
It seems to me she is honest, and she approached you with this request, because SHE LOVES YOU AND STILL WANTS THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU!
Society and Western culture seem to dictate that you should get all your needs met by one person. Thats impractical, and its not working out for many couples.
Kintama answered Wednesday October 20 2010, 12:05 am: If she wanted to marry you then she should only be with you it doesnt matter if she wants to if my wife did that and she acually did without asking me be4 then i would devorse right away!! [ Kintama's advice column | Ask Kintama A Question ]
Bethanywren answered Wednesday October 13 2010, 1:53 pm: In marrying you she vowed to be faithful to you. It is selfish of your wife to ask to sleep with another man because she wants to know what it is like. If she wanted to know what it is like to be with someone else she should have done that before she got married. If you allow this to happen, it will ruin your marriage. You will never be able to get over the fact that she needs to be with someone else to know she was happy with you. If you told her that it was okay with you that she sleep with another man, in fact you understand her desire and you would like to sleep with another woman, she would probably pitch a fit. She has you thinking that you are being selfish, and that she loves you, and if you love her you would let her do whatever she needed to be happy, but if she really loved you then she would only want you, and she wouldn't be attepting to do things that are damaging not only to the relationship, but to you personally. [ Bethanywren's advice column | Ask Bethanywren A Question ]
adviceman49 answered Wednesday October 13 2010, 10:32 am: The other three advisers seem to be of one mind and I agree with them. I myself will be married 40 years come next July and while it is nice to have fantasies that is all they should be fantasies.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest there is something else going on here. Just what that problem is I can only guess at. What I feel is that the problem is not her lack of experience with sex partners prior to marriage.
It could be an infatuation with someone who is chatting her up, as our British cousins would say, and wants your permission to sleep with him rather than cheat on you. It could be her girlfriends have convinced her something is missing in your sex life; but I really don't feel as I have said it is a lack of experience on her part.
I would suggest that you two seek marriage counseling to resolve this issue and find out what the real problem is. You could ask your family doctor to recommend a counselor but I would for this purpose stay away from a member of the clergy as your counselor.
I'm not sure if your wife is trying to spare your feelings here; as in my first reason for your wife wanting to have an extramarital experience, or if she is just being naive and selfish.
Just remember the old adage; "What is good for the goose is good for the gander". You can ask your wife how she would feel if you were to ask her if it is okay for you to sleep with another women. Whatever her answer is, if you want to save your marriage you need to find a good marriage counselor and start getting counseling ASAP.
Just a side note here: My view on sex and sex in marriage is that as long as both parties are comfortable with something then go ahead. But if one party is resistant they should not be forced to do it. This applies to just about everything in a relationship especially sex. If you want to be swingers and have an open marriage and you and your wife are both in agreement, then fine. It is no ones business but yours. But, if either one is reluctant, that party should not be forced or coerced into doing something they are not comfortable with. [ adviceman49's advice column | Ask adviceman49 A Question ]
snarky answered Wednesday October 13 2010, 5:16 am: "I told her I'd have to think about a lot of things first. She said that it's the only way she'll be completely happy in this marriage."
And this sits well with you? If it's the only way she'll be "completely happy", by disregarding your feelings and disrespecting you, then she doesn't deserve you, period.
There's no correlation between the amount of men she's slept with before you and extra-marital sex. The fact is, she wants to sleep with other men because she's unhappy with you. Do you really want to be entangled in this web?
You might love her and she might truly mean the world to you, but she doesn't care enough about you to give you the proper respect you deserve. You are her husband, not a fling, not a doormat, and there's a time and a place to put your foot down. I'd say it's high time to do so. [ snarky's advice column | Ask snarky A Question ]
blackluna7111 answered Wednesday October 13 2010, 3:16 am: What makes her happiest in this world should be you. So honestly I don't think you should let your women experiment with other men. Its not safe for your marriage. What if she ends up liking the sex with the other man more than yours? You'll feel guilty for letting her do whatever she wants. Don't degrade yourself so low. She's your wife. She should be having sex with only you. Honestly, if she is asking you this you should start to question her love for you. This doesn't make you happy at all. So maybe talk to her and tell her how you feel. And if she doesn't care and still wants to have sex with other men then I think its best to get a divorce. The whole point of getting married is to live your whole life with "the one" I doubt you want to share your women. Maybe try new tricks and techniques in bed so she won't get bored. But definitely talk to her about this. Let her know how you're feeling. Maybe you guys can work it out. I really hope so. You guys still have your whole life to live together. Don't let this ruin your relationship. Best of luck. -anny. (Sorry I was so blunt. Just don't want you to make the wrong decision! Marriage is a 2 way street!) [ blackluna7111's advice column | Ask blackluna7111 A Question ]
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