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I'm 18 and engaged, but I like someone else
I've been with this guy for three years. If his heart stopped beating right now I would give him mine. When he asked me to marry him all I could think of was yes. We're both young, but I love him so much and I just couldn't picture myself with anyone else. I started college a couple months ago and I met this other guy. I've noticed signs that he likes me. He's said that he wishes I was single. He helps me with my homework. He walks me to my car when it's dark. I appreciate this especially because my fiance isn't there to do these things. He goes to a different college. There are so many days that I wonder what it would be like to be with this other guy. I know that I can't because (1) I'm engaged! (2)This other guy is a temporary research student and next week he will go back to his college... which is across the country! Still so many nights I have bad dreams and fantasies. I can't get good sleep. My fiance used to be the first man I thought of when I woke up and I feel horrible because he isn't now. I've talked with him about this and he is trying to do everything he can to make me happy and it does help. But, these wandering thoughts are still inside my head. And, I don't wanna marry someone if I'm not 100 percent sure anymore. What should I do???
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If youre not 100 percent sure anymore, hold off on the marriage. Im not sure when or if you were even planning that at the moment, but thats all you can do for now cause i'm sure you don't want to break it off with your fiance for good for something so minor.
its a good thing you talked to your fiance about this. youre not hiding anything and it shows you do truly love him, clueing him in on something you know if hurting him but it's the truth.
this boy is very temporary, from what it looks like. i know it's stupid to compare, but if you've ever heard of the show Hannah Montana, there was one episode where she was caught between her long-term boyfriend & a boy she'd met on her own time that just seemed perfect and new to her. she didn't know which one to choose, but in the end, chose the long-term boy.
i know that's not the BEST comparison, but it is ONE, haha.
remember... you love your fiance. this boy, although the feelings are there, doesnt know you like your fiance does. it's very normal to be attracted to another guy. i know i was while i was with my boyfriend of a year. i started to think of other guys.
are you bored in your current relationship? whether you are or not, some things that may help change your mind and keep your mind on your fiance, is going out and doing something new together or something that is very special. i'm not talking pizza then movies. something new, something sincere, something sweet. you can ask your parents or friends for any suggestions. i'm hoping that from this it will help you realize how positive you can be again about your fiance that you once were.
this other guy, however, must know that youre engaged, right? in a way, its almost disrespectful that he tells you he wishes you were single & spends this time with you, probably in hopes of something happening. i know, it's a taste of something new. but he is temporary & like you said, hes leaving to go to his college across the country. i know youll miss him, because he was practically there for you during the days your fiance couldn't be! it's absolutely normal. maybe you miss your fiance and anyone who treats you the way he does when hes not around makes you feel a lot better inside.
im sorry that was so long, but i hope it helped somewhat. good luck!
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Finding another person attractive is normal.
(It's human nature to find features of others attractive, pleasant, or admirable. Having a desire for someone else is completely different though.)
Wanting to actually be with another person is not normal or healthy though.
Having fantasies of another person is not normal or healthy. It wrong on so many levels and will lead to the absolute destruction of your relationship and your partner's self-esteem.
Having the question of, "I wonder what it would be like to be with this person...he seems really great..." or secretly wishing you were single so that you could go out with the other man...NOT NORMAL at all.
If you're not 100% sure you can be devoted to this particular man for the rest of your life then it's really time to move on and give the guy a break while there's still time. Marriage means devotion forever. You know that deep down inside this is not right or you wouldn't be questioning it like you are. You know it isn't normal to wake up with another man in your mind. You know that this is not the way a healthy relationship works out.
Your fiance is doing everything he can to fix this situation but it isn't going to be fixed. It's just time to move on. He isn't "the one" after all. Having him do things to make you happy--to create happiness that should already be there--is unhealthy, wrong, and almost like taking advantage of someone in many ways. If you're not happy just being with him then the love is really not there. I know, it can be pretty heartbreaking or devastating to realize that but it's the truth.
Sit down with your fiance and let him know that the sparks are gone. He doesn't light up your life any more. Your heart does not beat solely for him. You've realized that the relationship you two are in is incredibly unhealthy for both of you. Let him know that you've realized that you cannot be devoted to loving him until death.
Reassure him that it isn't anything he did. You two are just not long-term compatible. You long for someone else and something else. You think he's a great, wonderful human being but it just isn't meant to be.
Then step away.
He will not and can not change this no matter how hard he tries. Your subconscious is screaming at you that this is not right. Step away now to avoid crushing the guy completely. Every moment you waste making him regret being who he is will taking precious time away from you both finding your true loves.
You are young. It's time to listen to your heart and do what you know is right. You can move on, date around for awhile, and you will run into the man of your dreams. Your fiance will likely be very hurt by the situation but sometimes the truth just hurts. I assume he's fairly young too--and that's great because he can stop wasting time trying to please you and find a woman who is already happy with him just being him.
Your not a bad person for not realizing what you should have done sooner but it's time to make your next move. Break it off with the guy now and move forward with your lives as separate people.
You want everlasting love.
Love that doesn't fade.
Someone you can just LOVE being with, being near, and being close to on all levels (emotionally, mentally, physically).
Love that doesn't cause you to seek others for comfort.
Love that is real, strong, and honest.
It exists.
This just isn't that sort of thing. It's wrong to continue from here.
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you're right your young you know what you should do you need to tell your boyfriend that maybe you guys should hold off on having a relationship to clear your head of the feeling of having this what would happen if i dated this guy phase. doesnt have to mean that your going to go wild you just maybe need to get something out of your system maybe dating somone else that you like will make you realise that you love your boyfriend all you do is compare details with other guys to the guy you love. you need to be sure of this that you want to marry this dude.
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Love isn't magic. It doesn't place a blindfold over your eyes. You will see other people who attract you and you'll met other people who inspire romantic thoughts.
Getting married is about choosing one person - it's not about pretending no one else exists.
Give yourself a break and recognize this is normal and will happen all your life, even if you stay happily married to your fiance till your death. When you are 90 years old you might develop a crush on college student who does the gardening at the rest home. That doesn't mean you love your husband any less, or are any less devoted to him.
If you aren't 100% sure about getting married, that's an important thing to talk about. You are very young to make that commitment and statically speaking, it tends not to work out when people commit that young to marriage.
However - please don't think because you developed a crush or a fantasy about someone else means anything. It doesn't necessarily mean you aren't sure. There might be other reasons you aren't sure, but a crush is natural and right. They'll never go away entirely. Don't pretend they will. That puts too much pressure on a relationship when you start to deny that yeah, other people will be attractive sometimes.
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You are in love it seems to me, don't give up on him. You say that you would give him your heart, so do it. Not physically, but emotionally. don't worry about this other guy, sure he is here for now but i'm sure he can't compare to your fiance and plus he is leaving soon. I don't think that it is worth giving up on something that you love for something you just like. You are thinking about this guy more than your fiance now because you get to hang out with him a whole lot more, just because you think of him so much doesn't meant that you aren't still in love with your fiance.
Right now you are young, not too young for anything that you want to do, i'm just saying that you don't have to rush anything. There is nothing wrong with a long term engagement, plus this will give you time to get back to the basics with your fiance with you really seem to love.
Just don't worry about this other guy, he will be leaving soon and then he'll be no more. You might have a few calls or texts but i don't think that it would add up to how you feel about your fiance.
Don't give up on love for like
I hope this helps you.
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It's totally normal to fantasize about other people when you're with someone-it actually can make a relationship healthier. You may be attracted to this guy because it's someone new. I would advise you not to do anything with him and mess up the relationship you have now, especially if you're in love with your fiance-just think how horrible it would be to lose him. Talk to your fiance on the phone more, visit more, etc. It's okay to think about the other guy as long as you don't put your thoughts into actions. Wait until this "other guy" leaves and if you still doubt if you want to marry your fiance, reevaluate your feelings and needs. Don't do something you'll regret in the future. Sometimes we just get too used to that person we love being there for us so think how you would feel if you lost him-it may make you appreciate what you have more.
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