Is it ok for a 35 year old man to get a 19 year old girl pregnant?
Question Posted Wednesday February 24 2010, 6:33 am
My best friend is dating an older guy and has been for almost a year now. I know she is a little older than me so I thought she knew what she was doing but they had SEX and now she's PREGNANT at 19! She didn't even tell me that they actually did IT! Well, he's 35 though and now she's all about marrying him so that he can be the baby's daddy on paper too.
I keep telling her that this is a really bad idea because he's much too older for her. My mom is so shocked and thinks it's disgusting that he took advantage of my friend like that and I agree! I don't think there are any real laws against this (is there?!) so I don't think there is anything we can do except try to talk her out of this mess.
What can I do to help her get away from this creepy older guy? I have to convince her that he is NOT good for her. What 35 year old actually goes out with a 19 year old anyway and then has sex with her?! What is my friend thinking ruining her life like this and actually having this baby and thinking of marrying the man? Please help me help her
I think the age difference is really... weird. It is gross to imagine your friend who could be her dad. The only thing you can do as a consirned friend is talk to her. Get the answers to these questions. What does your freinds mom and dad think abou tthis?
Also, there is no law. It might depend on state but i'm pretty sure its usually 18. ANd if not then its 19 or younger. Either, way she is old enough. ANd if she thinks she is old enough to take care of a kid. And put her life on hold for this guy, who might leave her, then there is nothing you can do.
I know it sucks, but sometimes the people you love need to fall/fail before they realize that they are or are doing something wrong.
All you can do is tlak to her and support her. She is going to need friends threw this.
Sageadvisor answered Wednesday February 24 2010, 4:58 pm: There 's information you don't provide here: 1)Have you met this man? Does he seem like a nice guy who'd really into her? 2) Does he want to marry her also? 3) Does he know she's pregnant? 4) was it an accident on both their parts, or was it a deliberate decision - of hers or both?
I agree that's a big age difference, and there's a good chance that they won't be compatible for the long haul. But there's no guarantee of that. You should know the answers to all these questions before you form an opinion and express it to your friend. There's a child involved now, assuming she's not having an abortion. Your friend needs, at the very least, to form a solid foundation with this man on some basis so that he can be a supportive father for years to come, whether or not they get married. [ Sageadvisor's advice column | Ask Sageadvisor A Question ]
adviceman49 answered Wednesday February 24 2010, 10:54 am: In the eyes of the law your friend is above the age of consent. This means in the eyes of the law she is capable of giving consent to having sex and entering into adult situations such as signing certain contracts.
Don't be surprised when her thity-five year old boyfriend refuses to marry her but swears he will support her and their child. This is where you and her friends step in and get her to a lawyer who will see to it the legal paperwork is done and ordered by the courts to make sure the boyfriend lives up to his promises. [ adviceman49's advice column | Ask adviceman49 A Question ]
WittyUsernameHere answered Wednesday February 24 2010, 10:50 am: Honestly, my wife's mother is 15.5 years younger than her stepfather. They've never had kids together, but they got married when she was like 24...
Your friend is an idiot, but a 35 year old who is willing to marry a 19 year old is likely to be pretty loyal.
You know, truthfully, its not all that disgusting. Its fucking stupid as hell, but not all that disgusting. If he's attracted to 19 year old women in a serious dating capacity at 35, he's got maturity issues. Your friend, at 19, is showing evidence of similar maturity issues. Sadly, this makes them somewhat compatible.
Your friend is an adult. 19 is young, certainly immature, but still adult. She's more than old enough to make her own decisions, and deal with the consequences. Let her deal. Support her. You can't stop this, and if you try you'll lose your friend.
Because she's right. If they're serious enough about each other to be willing to get married, they owe the kid taking a shot at creating as normal a family as they can for him/her.
Also, you can't assume she's keeping the baby for him. Its been said by many people, that men don't really feel like fathers until they see their children. Women, on the other hand, feel like mothers pretty much from the moment they realize they're pregnant, whether they want to or not. Its somewhat biologically programmed in.
Your friend sees herself as a mother. Why do you think that abortions are so hard for so many women? Especially if the girl wants kids someday, they will from that point on see themselves as a mother who aborted her first child. You can't blame your friend if she doesn't want to live with that, and you can't blame her for reaching out towards a family with a guy she's in some form of love with instead of looking at adoption and having a strange 18 year old showing up on her doorstep with questions down the road.
Talk to her. Spend some time just listening. This is hard for her, whatever you think, and before you rush in trying to fix her problems for her you need to spend some time with her getting her to open up, because I think you'll see that trying to force her and this guy apart will at this point do far more harm than good.
Taking responsibility isn't pretty sometimes, but your friend is trying to grow up the best way she knows how. Don't treat her like a kid who needs to be saved from the immature slightly creepy 35 year old. Treat her like an adult woman who is living her life and making her own choices, and needs people she can trust to go to when things get shitty. [ WittyUsernameHere's advice column | Ask WittyUsernameHere A Question ]
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