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Troubled over 19 year long friendship
I am 24 years old and am currently at a point in my life where I don't think I can be friends with my life-long friend of 19 years.
I have stood by him, even though it was hard, despite all the terrible decisions he's made with his life. He has 2 DWI's, lost his car, lost his band because of his drinking, lost many friends, slept with a friends girlfriend whom he is currently still with. He faces jail time, and could quite possibly lose his job. Needless to say, he's almost lost everything.
The other night my girlfriend and I went out with them, trying to put things behind us. Well, he decided to just disappear and abandon his girlfriend there. She was understandably upset and we took her to his house, where her car was. In the end, he was extremely angry that we helped her, and accused me of telling her lies and badmouthing him. Also saying I'm trying to "get between them."
In a nutshell, 3 people have one account of the evening, and he has his. It's completely wrong. He's desperate, possessive, and not fun to be around anymore. He doesn't want help, and gets defensive claiming people should mind their own business, etc, despite being his best friend.
It only got worse... He actually blindsided me for helping her, punching me in the nose from behind me. It became a physical confrontation and was obviously a act of complete desperation since he claimed we were making the situation worse and were trying to "make him look bad."
I've tried helping but he isn't receptive. I'm not perfect either, and make plenty of mistakes, but every time we hang out it feels like a gamble. I'm tired of it. Is it selfish of me to move on with my life?
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When I was younger, I moved around a good bit. Different house in pre school, different house for 1st and 2nd, different schools 2nd to 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th, and then high school.
Needless to say, maintaining friendships when you're not a teen, have no car, have little phone access or freedom at home, was impossible. I had a new set of friends every time I changed schools, but was never around long enough to have anything but school friends who got left behind.
High school hit, and I didn't know hardly anyone. Two people I went to middle school with and actually talked to went to my high school. They were best friends and I was an aquaintance with both of them.
I ended up joining football to be social, and met D. Dwas kinda like me. Had moved around alot, didnt know anyone, same sick sense of humor and cynicism. We got along famously. By the end of the first month of high school, I would have called him my best friend. We had an intrinsic trust of each other, and he is to this day the only guy I have ever bonded with on that "Best friend who you think you'll be calling about issues with your wife when you're 40" level.
Over 4 years of high school, little changed. Whenever something bad happened to one of us the other was there to help recover. When I went out of the city for the first year of college, I came back at least two weekends a month specifically to visit him.
But during that time, he began to change. He became friends with one of the biggest assholes I've ever met, and got serious with a girl who I still think pretty much ruined him. The kind of white trash bitch who tried to get pregnant so he wouldn't leave her when they were having issues in the relationship.
His friend got him into drugs. When I say into drugs, I mean further in. We both smoked, we both played around with other stuff, but this friend wanted to turn D into a dealer, and wanted to supply him. D liked the idea of easy money, and he was planning on dealing hard drugs.
Its at this point I'll note, that D was not the greatest on common sense. He would have gotten himself busted very, very quickly.
I had already been advising him to break up with his girlfriend. Any girl who will TRY to get pregnant to keep you is not a girl you want to be with. Now I was trying to talk him out of trying to deal, but he would have none of it, it started conflicts between us.
The last straw, was when he withdrew his college money. He had been in a very serious accident about a year before, and had gotten over 150k after everything for it. One day, he went and closed the account. Almost 75 grand he planned to use to "start his business"
I couldn't let him ruin whatever semblance of a life he had left. I had a large number of contacts in the city. I went around and collected favors I was owed. D could not find anyone in the entire county who would sell him more than a personal use amount of anything, neither could his friend Mike. I shut both of them down completely in less than 24 hours.
This led to harassment at work, threats by Mike against my life, and my parents moving me to get me away from it all.
I knew the step I was taking was going to lose me my best friend forever. I have not since found a guy who I could relax around enough to be friends with like that. I spent my childhood watching movies about "kids and the friends they grew up with" and always wanted a best friend who would stick with me no matter what.
I gave it up for his benefit. I lost the best friend I have ever had in the process. It still hurts. I still miss him. I would still make the same decision.
You face a similar decision, only you are having to save yourself. Just because it feels selfish doenst mean its any less of a laudable goal, and it doesnt mean YOU are any less important than HE is. There is a point when the bonds have to be severed, and it sounds like you've reached it.
Give him contact information. Tell him that he's fucking up, and you can't keep being friends with him when things are like this.
Tell him to call you in a few years.
Its whats best for you, you know it. Now you just have to work yourself up to it. Hard, yes, but also necessary.
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Is it selfish? Sure, in a way it is. But so it not giving your entire life's saving to starving children in Africa... A bit selfish but also sensible and self-perserving.
When a relationship disolves to the point you find yourself being a person you don't want to be when you are near them, it's just time to call it quits. When a relationship disolves to violence, it's definately time to call it quits.
You aren't obligated to call him and say 'Yo, I'm never speaking to you agian because of this, this and this.' but you also not obligated to be avaliable to hang out, or to be his 'best friend'. Try being just an aquaintance for a while. If he has an explination or apology to offer, accept it gracefully and with as little personal involvement as possible. No more advice, no more assitance, no more arguments. Take what he offers, if he ever offers anything at all, and let the rest of it go.
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Change is sometimes for the better or even for the worse. It happens to all of us and there's nothing selfish about moving on with your own life especially if you believe that you can't handle the rough situation your friend got himself involved in. And if he wants to deal with his own problems without any helping hand then let him be and just focus on your life. Since he's behaving in such a manner that's apparently harming you and your other friends, it's time to let him go because his stubbornness could lead to something more dangerous for you.
Don't worry about your decision. It's yours to decide though. There are limits to what each person can handle and there's no one to blame for if we decide to move on. Don't feel guilty or selfish of what your decisions are, think what would be best for you...and maybe even your friend.
Hope this helped a little! =3
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As you probably know, People change all the time. His stubborness has cost him almost everything. You have tried to help him, but he keeps turning you away and putting all his problems on you. A person can only take so much before they just give up. Honestly, I don't think it's selfish at all too move on. Why should you be put in the middle of his problems? Why waist your time too help someone who won't let you help them yet alone won't help themselves? I know you probably care very much about your friend but I think maybe it is time to focus on yourself.
Best Wishes
BahaiMa22
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In most friendships that are rocky, I suggest to do what you can to help it. However..
He may be your very close friend but if he's physically and mentally hurting you, then you have to put yourself before him. You've put up with enough of him and you shouldn't let him drag you down. Give him the number of a clinic and walk away.
Hope this helps, it really all depends on what you chose yourself.
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