|
Initiating Sex-As the guy why must I always intitiate the ac
I am an attractive guy (35) and she's an attractive lady (28) but I'm forced to initiate sex 9 of 10 encounters and when she attempts to initiate lately I don't take her seriously to the point where I'll brush her off saying, "you're joking, right", then go about my business. She likes sex early in the evening whereas I like late nite romps, I enjoy sex to music, she likes to play the television while I try to sleep, she insists that I go places with her when I'm tired from working 2 jobs about 4 days per week while she works one job maybe one time per week, etc. We're polar opposites in many ways but my main question has to do with how I can explain to her that even as a guy I would like to be treated as an attractive man and have her initiate on an equitable basis.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: General Sex Questions?
I initiate sex all the time with my bf...mainly because he doesn't. If it was up to me...I would have sex everyday...even better, twice a day. I don't understand why she doesn't initiate...maybe cause she doesn't want it? Idk. Have you asked her?
]
Insecurity is the mother of neediness. Act less interested. Criticize other women that look like her. Mention or let her find out other women are after you. Was her ex better looking than you? If not, bring him up. Let her find a picture of a hotter ex. Women love to compete against other women. Maybe she doesnt remember how hard it is to find an attractive man at her age. Yes, even 28 gets slim pickins. I cant find an attractive man if I hot glued Jessica Biel and Giselle Bundshen to my sides. The last attractive man I dated was 3 years ago when I turned 30. Remind her that her attractive man clock is ticking.
]
Wow....just wow.
You have a few things to learn my friend.
She is not initiating because she does not feel as attractive as you find her. She has self conciousness issues. Unfortunately, your brush offs are only making it worse.
She tries, you dont take it seriously, and it makes it harder for her to initiate later.
First, have presence of mind. If you have even the slightest notion that she is trying to be seductive, encourage her. Tell her how sexy she is, how hot she is.
Second, dont expect everything on your terms. Alot of guys make that mistake. We think everything we want is reasonable and when we dont want what she wants there shouldnt be a problem with that. Relationships are give and take.
From this point out, what you are going to have to do is reinforce her self image. Make a show of checking her out and telling her how attractive she is. When you see her naked, walk up to her and kiss her on the neck and rub her gently telling her how much it turns you on just to be in her presence when she isnt wearing clothes. Compliment her, encourage her, show her that she is sexy in your eyes.
Once you have established a reasonable baseline of encouragement (basically, once she isnt surprised by your compliments, which might take a few days or a week)talk to her. Tell her that you would like her to feel comfortable initiating sex, that when she is sexually aggressive it is a turn on for you. Tell her that she is a beautiful woman, but more than that when you can see that she is confident in the fact that she is attractive she relaxes and sex becomes alot more fun.
I did all of this with my girlfriend who frankly had some very, very strong body image issues when we started dating. I told her how sexy she was on a constant basis, and I encouraged her when she made even the smallest efforts towards seducing me.
Now, I have a girlfriend who is absolutely confident that she can seduce me when she wants to. And you know what? She can.
]
My advice would be not to take it personally or feel she doesn't find you attractive, etc. just because she's not initiating. Some women have just grown up with it ingrained in them that the guys make the moves- and this is reinforced by movies, family, whatever. And some may not just be they type to initiate, ya know? Just like some people are leaders and some are followers.
So please, don't take it to mean anything more than that- because chances are that that's what is going on. But you can talk to her honestly and positively encourage her by saying how much it means to you when she initiates and that you'd like her to do it more often.
PS- also keep in mind that many women have much lower libidos than men and this could be a cause too. She may not have a problem if you start and get her going, but may need someone to rev her up, so to speak.
]
The first way you could encourage her to initiate would be to not blow her off. DUH!
I've been in her position, with a guy who normally initiated, complained that I didn't, and then every time I did informed me that he didn't believe me, wasn't interested, or I was doing it wrong.
Do you have ANY idea how much that kind of rejection hurts? How bitter and resentful a person becomes when the feel they are receiving mixed messages?
Each time you blow her off as joking you are making it even less likely she will every initiate again. Oh, and if she is only allowed to initiate late at night, with some music on, you better tell her that she might just keep on (*gasp*) initiating sex when she is interested in it.
And for goodness sake get over yourself. Seriously.
Of this 154 word question, you devoted only 36 words to your actual problem. The rest of it was simply a meaningless laundry list of her faults!
Frankly, after reading this question I wouldn’t want to fuck you. I’d be afraid to approach you! This question does not paint a picture of a genuine nice guy who is frustrated (which I hope you are) but sounds more like a hyper-critical and uncompromising jerk (which I hope you aren’t.)
You have fallen into a sexual funk. Sometimes when something gets comfortable and safe, it’s hard to break the routine. It’s scary to do something out of the normal, especially if you are telling her she has to do this un-normal thing all by herself AND she has to be willing to do it over and over again even in the face of your rejection.
Talk to her about her desires, and about yours. Talk about different ways sex could be initiated. Watch porn, read stories, share experiences. Hold her damn hand through it if that is what it takes. Write down a step by step plan to get her started.
Your request that she initiate sex, and your desire to feel attractive and wanted it entirely fair and justified! You should be able to feel that way in your relationship! But the way you are going about it is ALL wrong. You can’t just say “Initiate sex!” to a girl and expect her too anymore then you can throw an infant into a pool and say “Swim!” Changing sexual patterns and her comfort zone will take work and support from you as well.
Oh, and buy her a pair of headphones she can wear as she watches TV. And have a coffee once or twice a month so you can hang out with her.
Relationships take work, from both parties. Do your fair share. If you don’t want to do the work, or feel you’ve done all you can, end the relationship.
]
Well, if you want to have a straight forward conversation with her, then so be it. It might result in a arguement though if not worded correctly, so try something more subtle. Pick her up an issue of Cosmo- there always talking about how guys love girls who take an active role in sex and have loads of tips. Or you could lead her into iniating sex, make hints, suggestive comments, and let her take the lead. Take any moment when she is leading and let her know how much you love it. I'm sure she'll catch on.
]
More Questions: |