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humorist-workshop
HUGE Family issue, need some advice...
Ok, so normally I'm the one giving the advice, but right now I really need some advice, so here's my story...
It's been going on all of my life..My Aunt is a Cocaine addict. She has a son who is 2 years older that I am. So, about 4 years ago, when he was 12 and i was 10, my mom and stepfather finally decided to take him away from my Aunt, and he came to live with us. But, during the year after we took him in, my stepfather came down with lung cancer. He went through everything, like chemo, and radiation and it finally went away. Now, by this time which is about 2 years ago, my aunt starts doing a little better. My cousin, John, by now is 14 and we let him visit his mother more. But then his mother goes in jail, and my stepfathers cancer comes back. So, now about 1 month ago, my cousin is now 16, and a junior in high school. He is acting out in any way possible, smoking pot, having sex, and just not listening to anyone. Also, my stepfather is in very bad condition with his cancer. He can barely walk himself and he probably only has a few months, if that, to live. So we have had it, and we let John go back with his mother. But, we can't help from feeling guilty and feeling like we failed.
So, what I'm asking is if you think ther is anything else we can or should do to help? And if we should feel all of this guilt, and feeling of failure?
Thanks..
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Well, first, you're fourteen. So none of this was really your choice. It was your parents' choice. And they are old enough to understand that loving someone involves risk - risk that you will lose that person (like you and your mother are losing your stepfather) or that that person will not be able to accept your love (like your cousin). It's heartbreaking. But you said your parents "let" John go back with his mother, implying that it was a choice. The truth is that John wasn't happy in your household because of something inside of John, not because of you. He went back with his mother and he probably thinks he can heal what's wrong, but I bet he won't find it so easy. He may realize that being in your family, with its love and protection as well as its rules and restrictions, is the place he needs to be. But until then, there's not much you can do.
I hope you left it open for John to be welcomed back. If you did, then you have not failed. John will come back if and when he discovers it's best for him. Just don't make him feel ashamed of leaving and trying to work things out with his mother.
I hope he finds what he needs and that your stepfather has a good transition to the next phase of life. I hope you're able to cope well with his passing when it comes. Focus on making your stepfather's life as good as you can right now rather than worrying about John because there's nothing you can do about him.
Sabine
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It's not your fault, you did everything you could. When things like this happen some people don't know how to react or even act, they don't know what to do and they don't want to look weak. He's putting up a front. You don't know what he thinks or feels, he could blame himself for the whole thing. Just let him know you and your family are there for him, that's all you can do. He's going to have to learn the hard way and from experiance that what he's doing won't solve anything. It won't make anything better, but until he realizes that there is nothing you can do. Try not to feel so guilty.
::Jasmine::
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I'm glad that you let him go back to his mother for a little while. Everyone needs their mom. It's some kind of mentality thing. But I would not let him stay there. It seems like his mother has been a bad influence on him. Maybe visits now and then would be enough. As for your cousin, I would say you guys should definitely try talking to him and finding out why he wants to smoke pot and have sex. What is it doing for him mentally? (so he thinks). Because doing those things in reality will not make problems go away and everything will be the same as it was after he isn't high anymore. If he is being unreasonable or refuses to talk, I'd say you should seek professional help. He shouldn't be doing those things, period, let alone the fact that he's 16. Smoking pot is illegal, and having underage sex is also illegal in some states, to a certain age. He could also be depressed- that's another possibility. Just try to figure him out, bottom line. I do not think that you/your family failed. How would you know he was going to turn out this way? Different people deal with problems in different ways. Best of luck.
Sincerely, SlushPuppy
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I wouldnt feel guilty. Sure, if i were in your position i would feel guilty too. you tried, and that is all that you can do. he is his own person, and you cannot control what he does. it is his choice, and even though you and your family have tried to guide him, he is hopeless. he will learn one of these days that he was wrong in doing what he did. he will come crawling back to you, but you have to refuse him so he learns the hard way.
hope i helped, and sorry about your family=[
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I'm sorry that these things are happening to you. However, I do not support your family's decision in sending your cousin back to his mother. Although she was doing better, she still got sent to jail & you're putting him in a potentionally dangerous situation by sticking him back with his mom. I mean, she does cocaine for peep's sake! You guys need to take him back until she's fully clean.
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I can understand his acting out as well. I mean, he's 16 years old. His mother does cocaine, his step-uncle [father, as well I guess] has lung cancer, and he's living in a new place. Of course he's going to act out. That's his way of coping & it's totally normal. Because of his doing wrong though, it's best that he stays with you guys so he can learn to deal. Maybe get him a counselor so he's got someone to talk to. I mean, he's going through a tough situation & he finds that as a way of coping, so maybe send him somewhere so he can find a new, healthy way of coping. However, you cannot stop him from doing drugs & having sex. Almost every teen does it, and how can you not when it's put right there in front of you & everyone's doing it. You know enough to say no, but peer pressure is there pushing you to do it so you choke on your words & your morals & do it anyways. Not all kids are like this, but most are & most of them let the pressure get to them.
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As for your step-dad, I'm sorry about his position. And I'm sorry about how this must be to you. The best thing to do is to spend as much time with him as possible & make his last days here special. Other than that, you can hope that he goes through treatment again & makes it out okay. And if he doesn't, then know that he's going to die happy. Besides, it's better for him to die anyways. Why keep him here with the pain & suffering. He deserves to go to a better place.
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I hope things work out for your family. I hope your step-dad pulls through, and I hope your aunt gets off of her drug addiction so her son can lead a healthy, positive life. Good luck.
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Feeling bad in this situation is completely unavoidable. There is just so much dissapointment and pain comming from all directions, no one is going to expect you to feel happy or pleased.
But no, you shouldn't feel guilty. You should do all you can, invite him over often, keep him as close as you can, offer him what support you can, but imagine he really needed a trillion dollars? Would you feel guilty that you didn't have a trillion dollars to give him? Probably not.
We give the people we care about all we can, but when we simply have nothing more to give, we have to stop giving. It's just a sad truth, not something to feel guilty over.
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It doesnt help that he is 16.Right now, you just need to let him go. You need to worry about your stepfather. We are our parents. Him acting out is his way of coping with his past. Not to mention he is taking after his mother. You cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped. The best you can do is be there for him when/if he decides he wants to change his act. At 16 he is still a minor. Go to social services and turn him in if you are worried about him getting hurt. Maybe some time behind bars will snap him into shape. I know a lot of kids that sound like him that changed their ways after seeing what life behind bars is like.
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