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desperate. mom probs.
WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG BUT I SERIOUSLY NEED ADVICE ON THIS. PLEASE DONT LEAVE BECAUSE ITS TOO LONG. YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER FOR ME. PLEASE READ.
ok. so me and my mom fight non-stop. screaming yelling crying. the usual. its weird because we used to be really close and would always go shopping and crap and i would tell her everything yatta yatta. well i really want to be her "friend" er w/e. i mean not like besties but id like to at least have a positive relationship. seriously. usually, like as of right now, i hate her guts. with a strong passion. she ruins my life.
does anyone know anything i can say to her that lets her know i need her? this sound really cheesey i know. but its like ruining my life not to have a positive relationship. i mean. i get grounded for the f-ing retaredest things (if thats even a word..) and because of her i wont be able to spend this coming weekend with my boyfirend. (its our anniversary) and im superrr pissed.
anything.. please. this is serious. i hate my life. and its all because of her. i honestly wish my parents would divorce just so i wouldnt see her as much. but the only thing is she says that if my parents were to divorce (for the like 3rd time) she wouldnt let me live with my dad. yeah right. i would refuse to live with my mom.
ughhhh. please help..
oh and by the way;
if it makes a difference, she has cronic depression and doesnt always take her medications (which pisses me off). so shes always bitchy. my dad agrees with me that sometimes she goes over the top.
I KNOW THIS WAS LONG BUT PLEASE HELP!
xoxo
14/f
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Yo.
Tell your mom (when you arent fighting) that your really sorry and you love her. Me n my mom fight alot, but she is there when i need her. In time, (hopefully) you'll learn that you really need your mom. :)
-YOLIV :)
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Well...
Just try going to her for little problems like mom I need help with this math problem or something. Or say this friends being really mean what should I do? Asking your mom for help with little stuff will show her you need her. And maybe is she see's your willing to set your differences aside maybe she can too and you can become better mother and daughter. Also ask her if maybe on night..doesn't have to be on the weekend...but just one night a week to go out eat dinner together and see a movie or go shopping together. Because that's what bff's do right? Just go shopping and hang out, and usually just being with someone spending time with them allows you to become better friends.
But then for the your hating her guts part. Try your hardest to set that aside and just almost act like you don't becaue maybe since she knows you mad at her that makes her mad. So she wants to get back at you for being mad at her. Which is why she's not letting you hang with your bf.
But just give the whole thing time. I if you realllly want to be friends with your mom it'll work out.
Good Luck and I hoped I helped
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make sure to pick a time thats right like when your not fighting tell her your sorry that you love her and that you really need her it might improve the relationship with your mom.
well if you need more advice e-mail me at duckieh20lol2hotmail.com
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Pick a time when you two are not fighting. That's when you tell her that you love her and need her. If that's too awkward, try just talking about a specific incident when she helped you and made you feel good, and give her a hug.
Its so sad that your mom has depression. It means you're going to have to be a lot of the adult in your relationship--you have to be forgiving and patient and kind.
And you say she is ruining your life: don't let that happen. Whenever you start to get upset about the fight you had last night (or whatever) just remember that that was then, and you don't have to carry it with you.
And smile. I mean it! Smiling really does cheer you up, so even when you feel terrible, smile, and you will feel better.
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If you know she dosn't take her meds sometimes and she dosnt have partner, why are you making it more difficult - you are at fault here
BUTTTT, she is at fault too, as far as I can tell, she needs you.Grounding you, knowing that you wanted to celebrate your anniversary which is about "love" is a cry for help, she wants you to love her care for her.
When you have an arguement , just leave it and apologize.I know you need her, but she needs you.
And you have to make the first move.
Buy her some choccies and a thankyou card ..you can write thanks for being the best mum ever or whatever.If she asks her why you did this..you tell her its because YOU LOVE HER.Make sure each night you say goodnight, and hug her and tell her that you love her.It'll make you closer and bring out the best in both of you.
If you're every angry , have a journal /diary/ or an online blog, just google it.
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While you might not control her - you can control yourself, it takes two to fight.
When you are arguing, don't yell. In fact, lower your voice to just above a whisper and she should match your tone.
Sit down with both parents, call a family meeting to verbally discuss the house rules and write them down. Also, follow with the repercussions (you missed curfew, then you get extra chores, etc)
Switch to say 'I' statements and not 'you' statements. Example, instead of saying 'you don't understand. Its not fair' say 'I don't understand. I feel that xx, so I should xx'
Also, bring up the opinion about her medications and how you are concerned that she doesn't take her meds and it affects her relationship.
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I am a mom on anti-depressants. If I go off my meds, I get violent. I yell a lot and I throw things. I don't go off my meds unless something stupid happens between my insurance and my doctor. But many people do go off their meds because they either forget, convince themselves they don't need it, or just plain don't want to take them.
Because I am familiar with depression and family problems, I can probably help. What I will tell you will not always be easy, but it will help. A lot of it will be about helping her, but that is because in the end it will make your life a whole lot easier.
First, find her when she is calm and feeling good. Talk to her about her. Depression causes us to see the worst in everything. You say you need her, and she will think "yeah, of course you do. But what about what I need? Does anyone ever think about that?" So, start with her. Ask her about her day, ask her if she would like to go to lunch with you and just hang out a bit. Then, when you are talking more, let her know what is going on in your life. Let her know how important it is that she just know what is going on, that she means a lot to you. Depressed persons often feel useless and unwanted. Then we take it out on those closest to us. Let her know you want her in your life, and not just for the difficult stuff, but the fun stuff too. It is apparent to me that you do care very much for her, or you wouldn't be quite so angry about her skipping her meds.
The next thing is to talk to your dad. Don't rant at him, don't let him rant. Just talk rationally about your concerns. It will take a lot to get her to stay on her meds, but it will make a world of difference. But they have to be taken consistantly to even come close to working. You and your dad may want to talk to her doctor to see if he has any recommendations on helping her.
Now, for coping, there are some things for you to do. First, avoid her triggers. Everyone has something(s) that set them off. A depressed person doesn't just get set off, they blow up entirely. Avoid the things that cause that whenever possible.
Get involved in after school activities. Lots of them, but not too many that you can't keep your grades up. Dropping grades is a major trigger for just about any parent. If you have plenty of activities after school that you are committed to, you just won't be home. But don't forget to always invite her to be involved with you. Let her know it would be so much fun if she could help you make costumes for the school play, or help you make cookies for a fundraiser, or whatever you decide to do (I was the theater kid, and avoided lots of parental problems when I was a teen).
Here is one my marriage therapist (told you I caused problems) gave us in order to deal with a difficult family member (in my case, my sister-in-law): Just let her rant. Do not say ANYTHING. Look at her the whole time. Don't make any faces. Stay blank and look at her. She will stop when she is done, or when it just doesn't phase you. Often, the person will hear themselves after a while and realize how ridiculous they are being.
Do NOT walk out on her when she is ranting. My husband did that a few too many times, which only heightened the feeling that I didn't matter. I ended up in the hospital. If you just can't listen anymore, say that. Say "mom, I can understand that you are upset. I am too. We need to talk later so I don't start yelling. I am going to my room for a little while to calm down. I love you and will talk to you soon." Then leave. Don't listen to her yelling after you. Go put on headphones and listen to your favorite music and read a good book. (headphones are important. Playing music loudly will just make it worse)
There is one more important thing you should know. Growing up, I saw my mom go into depressive fits a lot. She was never officially diagnosed, at least not until I was already out of the house. I later learned that depression caused by chemical imbalance (rather than an event like a death or something) is often hereditary. I look back at my life and realize that I showed plenty of signs of depression and never noticed. If you think you may be getting depressed, no matter what the reason, talk to a professional. It could just be the blues over something that happens to you, or it could be actual depression, but it doesn't matter. Talking to an impartial person can help. And if you do show signs of actual depression, you can get the care you need before it turns into a major problem. I hope you won't actually need that last bit of advice. But it is certainly something that people with depressed parents should be aware of.
Oh, also, with your age, if your parents do get a divorce you will be able to decide who you want to live with. Most states you need to only be 11. Some you have to be 13. Either way, you are past that.
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Can you please give more info? When did your relationship with your Mom change? Do you know why? Obviously, your attitude toward her has changed, but what was the thing that happened that made you feel differently?
Is she treating you the same way she always has, only you've grown in the last 5 years? Are your parents fighting or is your Mom going through a lot with her health right now? Job changes?
Please let me know and I'll try to figure out what to tell you.
Sabine
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me and my mom also fight a lot.. and i can relate to the depression medication issue because my moms on them as well. but honestly you need to walk away when your mom says stupid stuff. its hard, but dont mouth off. and try and go out to lunch with her and talk to her about how you feel about all the fighting.. and be honest but not mean..
message me if you need more help because trust me ive been dealing with the same problem for awhile.
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